


Missions

by Zaney_hacknslash



Series: Saiyuki Missions [1]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Adventure/Action, Angst, Drama, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 05:54:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 103,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7832896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaney_hacknslash/pseuds/Zaney_hacknslash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before the boys set out on their journey west, Sanzo employs Hakkai and Gojyo in an often-brutal firm, hiring them to do everything from take back priceless relics to fight off undesirables. Through these so-called Missions, the two of them learn more about each other and develop and unbreakable bond.</p>
<p>Often violent and heartwarming (violently heartwarming), Missions is the ultimate 58 Bromance, and it's my pride and joy; written in a one-shot style, I utilize both Gojyo and Hakkai pov, but I consider the fic Gojyo centric.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mission One -- Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hakkai's down as the boys investigate an abandoned temple and discover a monster.

**Hakkai**

“Shit, this sucks,” he huffed.

I looked over at him. He had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and I saw beads of sweat forming on his forehead and cheeks. The wind was blowing his hair back in peaceful streams of bright red, and his red eyes were sparks of intensity. His mouth was drawn back, scars shimmering when he spoke. I was getting used to his coarse manner of speaking and his crude behavior.

“Mm. It is rather inconvenient,” I said quietly, and I could just barely muster what might be mistaken for a typical smile.

“Inconvenient? Really, Hakkai? That’s how you wanna’ describe this?” Gojyo mounted a chunky boulder jutting out of the mountain slop, long legs pulling him over it easily.

I jaunted up the boulder myself, but I felt anything but energetic.

“It’s cold up here,” he complained, pulling his brown jacket a little tighter about himself and taking a sharp drag off his cigarette. “The wind is freezing.”

“We’re in the mountains—it tends to be colder at this high altitude. Also, generally, one tends to wear warmer clothes when they know they’re going to be hiking up into the mountains. Thicker coats are helpful.” I smiled politely at him, slipping my hands into my padded, down coat.

Gojyo glared at me. That glare, I was learning, was almost as commonplace as that mischievous grin. I saw it often; mostly when I lectured him or teased him or made a joke at his expense or won playing cards against him…

Come to think of it, I saw that glare when I did most anything. At first, I had thought I was truly annoying him, that he might even be angry with me, but it hadn’t taken long to realize Gojyo was fairly laidback. I believe I’d learned that before I was even well enough to move from his bed on my own, and it hadn’t changed since. I couldn’t begin to imagine what atrocity I’d have to commit in order to honestly upset him.

I was a fairly laidback man myself. Oh, I had my bouts of impatience, certainly, but they were rare, and I was good at saying the right thing at the right time. We could likely go years without me ever actually angering him.

“Even if it were a mild, summer day I wouldn’t wanna’ do this,” he told me brusquely. “Running errands for Sanzo sucks; why did we agree to do another one?”

“Is it really so bad?” I asked absently.

Gojyo was all too willing to explain to me exactly why it really was that bad, but mostly he just complained about Sanzo. They never did get along, since the day they first came face to face, though I couldn’t quite understand what it was about each other that disgusted them so much.

Then again, I hadn’t known either of them very long. Gojyo and I had known each other approximately five months, and I’d known Sanzo just a little over half that time. I didn’t know either of them that well.

Yet here I was, climbing the mountain with one of them, running a potentially hazardous errand for the other. How had my life come to be this way?

_It seems like just yesterday I was drinking tea and laughing with Kanan._

It had probably been almost six months since they’d taken her from me. I could hardly stand to think about that blurry stretch of time, and considering the last moment I’d seen her in our home was undeniably painful

To get my mind off it, I focused on the present, even if that meant listening intently to what Gojyo was telling me. “This is only our third mission for Sanzo. The last two set us up pretty well, don’t you think?”

“I guess so.”

“But the money is dwindling quickly, thanks to your…er…hobbies.” I reflected on that a moment. I’d never known anyone with so many irresponsible habits. Gojyo was in an inherent state of drinking, smoking and partying. He made his very living off playing card games, and he went through women like so much toilet paper. If I didn’t save away a good portion of my half of the money Sanzo paid us, we’d likely be impoverished more often than not. It wasn’t as if Sanzo underpaid us.

“I have very refined tastes,” Gojyo answered mildly.

“No one would dare to question that, I assure you.”

He frowned at my sarcastic tone.

“At any rate, the money from the last job is running out, and now that there’s two of us, it would be unreasonable to think we don’t need to come up with some stable form of income. Besides, we don’t know when there will be more work to do, and it would be foolish to pass up this opportunity.”

Gojyo sighed.

“Doing an odd job for Sanzo won’t kill us,” I added.

It was strange what sort of things _could_ kill a person. Human life was so fragile: everything could be beautiful and simple one moment, and easily be dashed to hell in the next. Someone you loved could be wrenched from your unsuspecting hands in a matter of one lazy, sunny afternoon.

I shook the thought away. Be that as it may, we were not in any danger of dying whilst running an errand for a monk, I had no doubt about that. The last two jobs hadn’t been especially complicated. The first was breaking up a gang of thieves which had been robbing temples in the surrounding area, and we’d more or less stumbled into it by mistake. The second had been as easy as walking a few miles to meet an acolyte of a neighboring temple who had a scroll he needed to give to Sanzo. That was something I could have done on my own.

“Yeah, yeah, I guess not,” Gojyo relented. “Tell me again though, what exactly is our objective?”

“Were you not paying attention when Sanzo briefed us?” I couldn’t help exhaling with some slight exasperation. Gojyo was not an unintelligent person. Granted, he was simpler than a lot of people, but he was cunning in his own way. However, either his attention span was unnaturally short, or he was simply too apathetic to retain information that didn’t have anything to do with him personally. Or, I’d thought to myself in the past, he’d just done a lot of heavy drugs in his life.

Who could say? I knew very little about the way Gojyo had lived before we met.

Out of the corner of my eye, I appraised him. He was a somewhat lawless individual. He lived his life, not at all concerned with what society considered acceptable, as best I could tell he either refused to be conscientious, or had no idea how to be, and he was careless, oblivious to daily responsibilities, and almost completely self-absorbed. I even found the way he dressed to be flashy.

At times, I had to admit, it was difficult to be patient with him—he was always trashing the house when I’d just cleaned it, or coming home drunk at some ungodly hour. In fact, even though Gojyo was virtually never annoyed or frustrated with me, it was distressingly easy for him to get under my skin. It was something I had to work on if our relationship as housemates was going to continue smoothly.

“I paid attention. Just tell me again.”

“Sanzo wants us to pay a visit to the house on the top of this ridge and investigate-“

“Investigate what? Why the hell’d someone build their house up here anyway?”

“I suppose I shouldn’t have used the word house… It’s more of a sanctuary—a branch of Chang’an—where acolytes and young monks go to practice and meditate in solitude. Supposedly there are over fifty monks living there now; however, according to Sanzo, they haven’t been heard from in several weeks, and the group that normally comes down to gather supplies from the main temple didn’t come the other day as scheduled.”

“Leme’ guess—he wants us to investigate _why_ they haven’t be heard from.”

“You shouldn’t have to guess, you should have paid attention while Sanzo was briefing us.”

Gojyo ignored me, as he normally did when I scolded him. “Sounds pretty easy, I guess.”

“Yes, depending on why it is that they haven’t contacted Chang’an in almost a month.”

There was that danger factor again, and climbing this mountain reminded me a lot of what it had been like to infiltrate Hyakugan Maoh’s castle. I could almost feel the rain on my skin and taste the blood in the air, the slam of my heart inside my chest. And inside… Inside, so many horrible things awaited.

It took me a moment to realize Gojyo had asked me something else.

“I’m sorry.” I looked up at him, only to see he’d gotten several yards ahead of me, “I didn’t hear what you said.”

“I asked what you think the reason for that is.”

“Ah. Well, I suppose it could be a number of things. Sickness, perhaps? It would be a shame to learn that the entire household’s been killed by a sudden onslaught of disease, or from bad water.”

Fragile human beings, dying from sickness. It really was a wonder how frail we could be. I remembered being severely ill myself, not all that long ago. Before I met Gojyo, of course. Before they took Kanan from me. It had been a fever of some kind, and I hadn’t been able to go to the village school to teach. I suppose the students had those few days off as well, seeing how there wasn’t anyone to substitute me. I suppose they’d run outside and played in the meadows surrounding our town. In the meanwhile, I’d lain in bed, doing my best to sleep and drinking copious amounts of tea.

Kanan had sat beside me, brow wrinkled with concern, face flushed with love; she’d laid her cool, gentle hand on my forehead and spoken soothingly to me. She’d looked so beautiful then: she’d been healthy and safe and fully in love.

_Of course, there are other, more violent manners to die in than sickness._

I closed my eyes a moment and saw a pool of blood stretching around the shapely body of my lover.

“Hakkai?”

I opened them again, looked at Gojyo, but the image of Kanan lying dead at my feet didn’t dissolve into reality like I wanted it to.

“Forgive me, I was distracted.” I stepped past him, climbing the mountain trail a little more quickly, and suddenly I truly hoped that all the monks at the sanctuary on top of the ridge were all right.

“Man, you sure been bummin’ lately,” he said, walking closely behind me.

I was so startled by his bluntness, I couldn’t help stammering, “I-I don’t understand what you mean.”

“”Bullshit you don’t. You’ve been way too quiet these last four days, and your smile’s not as creepy as usual.”

It seemed out of character for Gojyo to notice an anomaly in my behavior; was it so severe even he had recognized it? Or was I not giving him enough credit, just assuming he was too wrapped up in his fast-paced life to take notice of mine?

More importantly, it wasn’t like him to bring it up. Gojyo was very closed-mouthed when it came to his emotions, and he generally didn’t make it a habit to ask about mine. If there was ever anything wrong with him, he didn’t go out of his way to make it known to me, and I certainly hadn’t expected him to confront me when I was a bit out of sorts.

I knew he was right though. These past four days had been strange. I’d been struck by a stint of serious depression, and as a result, I couldn’t function with the same level of feigned pleasantness and serenity that I normally had. This morning I’d even slammed a cupboard door out of pure frustration.

I suppose it would be silly of me to expect him to miss it though.

“I just have a lot on my mind lately. It’s nothing serious.” I added slowly, “Thank you though, for your concern.”

“I’m more curious than concerned.”

Forcibly, I laughed, doing my best to hide how that agitated me. “Yes, I see.”

“It’s interesting though.” He flicked the last stub of his cigarette to the ground and looked at me intently. “You depressed. You get so…weird.”

I accepted that without comment. He was probably right about that too. It was almost impossible to be myself when I was feeling this down.

Come to think of it, Kanan had something about it as well, though she was a bit more well-spoken than Gojyo.

_I can always tell when you’re sad, Gonou…your face gets the most peculiar expression, and you always seem to run out of things to say._

I remembered sitting outside our humble, quiet home. It had been an evening in the spring, the sky in the west was dusky orange with splashes of canary yellow, the air was cool and relaxing, and Kanan had held my hand in hers, spoken with a warm, angelic smile on her *lips. _Whatever it is that troubles you, Gonou, I urge you to forget it—you’re with me now. Let me make you happy._

It was hard to remember now what had troubled me before I’d met Kanan. I suppose…I’d been forced to remember my lonely youth from time to time. Of course, that became less and less frequent as I’d fallen more and more in love with Kanan.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Eh? What for?” Gojyo demanded, drawing me back to the present.

“Oh, it’s nothing.”

Frowning at me again, he placed a new cigarette in his mouth. In the distance beyond him, I could see the wide, sweeping roof of a simple, wooden pagoda.

“You sure it’s nothing?”

I did a double take of him. I don’t believe I’d ever heard him use that tone before; it was firm and probing, not a mindless question he’d asked to pass time. It came as such a surprise to me, I couldn’t even answer.

“If it’s nothing, Hakkai, you’re seriously over-reacting. You’ve been a huge bummer lately, and if I know anything, it’s that people don’t act like that over nothing.”

I snapped, “I apologize if my being a bummer in any way interferes with your reckless partying.”

He didn’t answer for a second, simply continued hiking steadily toward the wooden pagoda that was emerging from the trees ahead of us. I wondered vaguely if I’d upset him this time. I’d never snapped at him that way before; perhaps it was crossing a line.

After all, it was only a matter of time. Living together, we saw one another every day, without fail, and even if I could go for a time without upsetting him, there was no telling how long we were going to be living side by side this way, and therefore, no predicting how long it would take for us to get on one another’s nerves.

He did annoy me at times, though not very severely. I suppose his carelessness and inconsiderate actions occasionally bothered me, but it wasn’t so hard really, smiling at him, as though unperturbed, and reminding myself that it was nothing to lose my temper over.

Gojyo might not have that restraint mechanism. He acted so much on impulse and emotion.

To my surprise, he grinned at me suddenly, “Hey, sunshine, take it easy. I didn’t mean it like that. You wanna’ be depressed, that’s your business, but don’t waste your time pretending it’s not actually a big deal.” Unexpectedly, he looped his arm over my shoulders. It was twice as hard to walk with him leaning on me, and I had to stagger over several fist-sized rocks, but it was comforting somehow, and I felt myself relaxing to the touch instinctively.

“You know,” he added softly, “You kinda’ got a lot to be depressed about.”

I wanted to close my eyes and shut out those words. I wanted to block out the memories, forget the murders I’d committed in Hyakugan Maoh’s castle. Wipe the image of Kanan killing herself completely from my mind. Still, I knew I never could, and I knew that it was plenty of reason for me to fall into an intermittent crevice of self-pity.

I answered him before I could even take into account what I was doing, “Truthfully, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my past. Not just what happened in Hyakugan Maoh’s castle…but life before that.”

“Y’mean, life with Kanan?”

I marked the delicate tone he used, though I likely shouldn’t have been startled by it. I’d told him the very barest details about Kanan, but I hadn’t been able to hide how much she had meant to me. He knew she was dead, and he knew how that ate at me.

“I think of how it used to be—I’m only torturing myself, but I can’t help it—I think of how we lived, in our little house, with our simple lives, with so little to sustain ourselves on. And then, when I think of the way she was, and I recall the way she smiled at me, or the sound of her voice, I’m forced to realize just how deep the wound runs.”

Gojyo didn’t answer or look at me, and I wondered if he was even listening now.

It didn’t matter. I needed to say this out loud, I needed to sort through the thoughts outside of my own head.

“Sometimes, when I wake up, late at night, or early in the morning, I can’t help but think I’ll turn over and she’ll be lying right beside me. Sometimes, I even wonder if maybe this isn’t all a dream. I tell myself that I might wake up some day, and none of this will be real, and Kanan will be there, waiting for me, just the way she used to.”

“I get what you mean,” he said quietly.

“It’s foolish, and I know that. I know now, better than ever, that I can’t go back to the way things were. I know it isn’t a dream or an illusion: she really is dead, and the things I had before are gone forever. No matter what I do, I cannot get that old life back.”

So much as saying those words was terrible. She was gone. Dead. Just another fragile human; and now I didn’t have so much as my own humanity to comfort me. I was a shape-shifting monster, a dark force that could snuff any feeble, human life at any given second, the very enemy I had sworn to destroy. What sort of horrible joke was that? The life I’d loved when I was human was out of reach to me now, and it was more than I could bear.

Rather than waking up from this nightmare and finding Kanan smiling into my face, I had to face the fact that she was dead, every single day. I might never overcome that. I might slip deeper and deeper into the well of my own depression and sadness, and perhaps some day, I’d be incapable of coming back. Maybe it had already begun. I’d relinquished my anger now, told myself it was over, reminded myself that my revenge had done nothing but made things even worse, and now I had to shoulder that guilt for the rest of my life. But without the anger there to guard me, nothing remained by my sorrow, and for the rest of my lonely existence, I’d likely have my sadness and regrets constantly weighing me down.

_Nothing in life seems quite worth while now, Kanan. I don’t have you to rush home to every day. I don’t have you depending on me. No one is._

It struck me that I had no purpose whatsoever.

As if to remind me that he was still there, Gojyo punched my shoulder lightly, a lingering, affectionate gesture that slid off my arm, seeming to say so many things I couldn’t even begin to wonder what they all were, and when I looked at him, mouth threatening to fall open from bewilderment, he was smiling at me in a way that was utterly lacking in travesty or mischief, and there was a rare sort of empathy in his eyes. Not pity or charity, just unadulterated commiseration. He didn’t say a word, and I felt a warming light of gratitude welling up within me.

“Anyway.” I looked straight ahead again as we approached the sanctuary, “It’s no use wallowing in it now. We have something rather important to address before hand.”

“No worries, man. Nobody around here’s judging you. Hell, let’s grab a couple beers on the way home and talk about it.”

I laughed. It seemed like the first time I’d laughed in days. “That’s quite a generous offer, Gojyo. I never realized you were so sensitive.”

“Yeah. On second thought, let’s skip the talk and just get the drinks. You can drown your sorrows in some sake if you want.”

That made me laugh too, and then we were in front of the sanctuary, and I had to stop.

It wasn’t very large. Just three stories high, and probably only barely big enough to house fifty people. Still, it was clean: the walkway was scrubbed spotless, the stone steps swept, windows sparkling, grass and surrounding vegetation trimmed and well-kept. It was quiet too. I listened closely for voices, but the only thing to be heard was the relaxed jingle of the wind chimes hung above the front door, and the birds twittering in the background. Somewhere around the corner of the building, I heard running water. Probably a fountain or a small stream.

My breath hitched. What was that foreboding sense in the air I felt?

“This place is quiet,” Gojyo murmured. “Way, way too quiet.”

“I think you’re right. You’d think we’d see or hear some sort of activity, considering how many people allegedly live here.” I stared hard at one of the windows, half-expecting some figure to appear on the other side of the glass, but nothing moved, and the windows were darkened by shadows.

Gojyo finished his cigarette and started another. “This’s supposed to be easy though, right?”

“The other two certainly were.” The second errand had been so simple I could have done it all by myself. Why didn’t I? After all, Gojyo seemed to hate doing favors for Sanzo, and I suspected that walking all day just to meet a monk and receive a scroll was little more than a waste of his time.

Then again, he hadn’t decided to stay home. He’d complained the whole time, but he had not said he wished he’d stayed home. And in truth, I was glad he’d come with me. I guess I had wanted him too.

Even now, it was good to have him standing beside me, facing the same conundrum and asking the same questions. When I was alone, it was all too easy for the painful memories and the dreadful feelings to sneak in and take hold. Somehow, having Gojyo with me eased my loneliness and my misery.

I wondered if he even knew that.

“Whatever.” He shrugged and exhaled a stream of white smoke from his nose, “Let’s check it out so we can go home and report to Sanzo.”

“By all means…”

We approached the sanctuary, walking nearly in sync, and climbed the steps to the broad, wooden terrace. There were a few mats laid out there and a modest jar of flowers, but I still didn’t see any sign of life. When I leaned forward to peer through the window, I saw nothing but an empty corridor beyond the immaculate glass.

Gojyo thumped loudly on the flimsy door. “Hell-lo? Anybody in there? Open up, baldies.”

“Gojyo, be respectful.”

“Hmph. Nobody’s answering anyway. Oy! Didn’t’cha’ hear me? I said let us in!”

Slowly, the door crept open, as if controlled by some unseen hand, welcoming us into the darkness beyond.

We stood shoulder to shoulder in the doorway, my hair standing on end, Gojyo still frozen in mid-knock, but no one appeared to speak to us, and an unearthly silence filled the air.

“Did…the door open on its own?” Gojyo asked finally.

“That would be a bit fantastical, don’t you think? Not to mention unnerving.”

He took a cautious step ahead of me into the sanctuary, and I followed.

Inside was a simple, tidy hallway running in three directions. The right and left hallways looked as if they ran the perimeter of the building, but the one in front of us led deeper into the sanctuary, deeper into the dark, where not so much as a candle was lit. The silence prevailed, even with our shoes making empty, heavy sounds against the bamboo floor.

We proceeded with the slightest of glances over our shoulders, marched straight down the hall and into the shadows.

“Hello?” I called. “Is anyone home?”

Somewhere far ahead of us, I thought I heard a faint cough.

“Hey!” Gojyo fairly shouted, “Somebody better answer!”

I nudged him with my elbow, “We don’t mean to intrude—Genjyo Sanzo from Keiun sent us…”

Still nothing. The hallway widened gradually, and we were standing in what seemed to be a main lobby where the floors were tiled with crisp, pale stones and red tapestries were hung from all four corners of the room. In the center, a golden Buddha twice my size sat with open palms, but the torches were unlit, and I didn’t detect so much as a waft of incense.

“The place looks utterly abandoned.” I whispered, and by this time I was feeling nervous.

Gojyo was stark still beside me.

“I wonder where on earth everyone would have gone.”

Above us, I could see all the way up to the third story, but the higher floors were equally quiet. No torches, no candles, no monks.

“’Kai.” Gojyo bumped me with his shoulder. “What’s that over there?”

I looked at where he was pointing to, a corner of the room that was almost black from shadow, and I could just barely make out something…. Streaks. Thick, ragged streaks of some liquid.

My heart caught in my throat. _Blood._ I knew it all too well—the uneven smears of blood on the floor, as if someone had dragged a body there. I’d seen it far too much.

I thought I saw a glimmer of something there, moved a step or two closer until I could see a shapeless lump huddled there in the corner as well, and then I began to feel a little afraid.

Gojyo lit his lighter, holding it out in front of him to illuminate the space.

I gasped and took a sudden step backwards into him.

A crowd of bodies had been piled there, just out of the sunlight, perhaps to slow down the decomposing process. Torn and mutilated, some with limbs ripped off, others torn completely in two, frozen as if still running, faces gaping and staring and fixed in horror, eyes wide, mouths stiff. Their robes and their bald heads were speckled and stained with blood.

“Holy shit,” Gojyo breathed.

I clenched my fists, remembering vividly the warm stickiness of blood on my hands, the horrors of my memories flooding in, showing me murder after senseless murder. Outside I thought I heard the violent sound of rain battering against the roof, and far away, a terrified, feminine voice screamed my old name.

I almost fell into Gojyo, and he barely managed to catch me. “Woah. You okay, man?”

“I…there are so many of them…”

“Yeah…but not fifty. Wonder where the rest of ‘em are.”

It looked to me that there was a mere fifteen to twenty monks heaped up there. Fifteen to twenty monks who’s been alive and well just a few, short weeks ago. Fifteen to twenty monks who’d had their lives suddenly and brutally taken away from them, likely without provocation.

“What happened to them?” I choked.

Behind us, a thick, ugly voice crooned, “Humans. So little. So fragile.”

We both turned, Gojyo holding his lighter up like a beacon.

A man was there. He was approximately the same size as the Buddha statue to our right, built like a tank with a thick, hairy chest, squat legs, bulky arms and a lumpy head. His ears were long and sharp—one was any way, the other looked like it had been chewed off—his eyes a dull yellow, and his face was heavily bearded with the same black, matted hair that covered his arms and chest. A soiled, brown loincloth was his only article of clothing, but he was wearing a hideously stupid, sadistic grin, long, cruel fangs protruding from behind his fat, brown lips. There was gore in his beard, crimson caked around his mouth, and his arms, from fingertip to elbow, were saturated in partially dried blood. To my horror, I saw that he was holding a human arm in one hand, and it looked as if he’d already taken several bites out of the bicep. He was just a few feet from us, and I hadn’t even heard him approaching.

“Shit!” It was Gojyo’s turn to leap back, slamming into me harshly. “Who in the hell?”

“It appears to be some sort of…ogre,” I said grimly.

“What is it doing _here_?”

“Fragile. Little. Humans,” the ogre chanted deeply. His yellow eyes were glimmering with brutality and hunger. “Fragile. Little. Humans. Tasty. So Tasty.”

I couldn’t quite hold back a disgusted smile of my own. “It seems to have come here to feast.”

“Tasty humans.” The ogre laughed repulsively, advancing on us.

“So does that means all the monks are dead?”

“It stands to reason that if they were still alive they would have gone to Chang’an to report what happened here. So yes. That seems very likely.” I drew away from the ogre, watching it warily as it took another cumbersome step in our direction.

“What’dya’ wanna’ do about it?”

“Well—”

The ogre lunged suddenly, howling with laughter.

I leapt out of the way, dodging him just in time.

One filthy, giant hand found a fistful of Gojyo’s long hair, even as he was jumping back

“Son of a—”

and flung him across the room with a jerky twist of his barrel-like torso.

“Biiiitch!”

Gojyo crashed through the wall on the other side of the room in an explosion of bamboo and disappeared.

“Gojyo!” I started to run after him, but the ogre was quick to interfere. He made a grab at me as well, but I was fast enough to jump up, evade the gnarled, bloody hand, spring off his shoulder and keep right on running. Fortunately the beast wasn’t smart enough to figure out what had happened and took a moment to understand that he hadn’t caught me.

I jumped through the ragged hole in the wall and arrived beside Gojyo, just as he was sitting up, coughing and sputtering. “Are you all right?”  
            “Shit. That thing’s…faster than it looks.”

“Ogre’s are never very intelligent, but they tend to be incredibly powerful.” I turned to watch as the ogre, having realized that we were behind him, dropped the human arm and began to march toward us steadily.

Suddenly, I felt nervous. I hadn’t been counting on coming up here to fight; at the very most, I’d thought I might have to sip tea and make polite conversation with monks—the most strenuous part of my day was supposed to be convincing Gojyo to be civilized—and now I was in danger of being eaten by an ogre.

Well, I wasn’t really, if I thought about it. Chances were, I was strong enough and fast enough to either kill the ogre, or at the very least race back down the mountain. Instinct said try to kill it; after all, it had slaughtered and eaten a slough of human beings, and for some reason, I simply couldn’t turn a blind eye to that.

_I’m not human anymore. My life doesn’t bear that same fragility._

However, being a monster meant being stronger than most people, and that seemed to indicate that I should be defending those less capable than I was.

Gojyo got to his feet. I was impressed by his tenacity, but I wondered if he was up to this. Being fully youkai naturally meant I was stronger than he was—by how much, I wasn’t sure—and I’d never seen him in a full-blown fight, so I had no way to gage what his skill level was. He might just get himself killed.

There wasn’t any time to tell him to go home though; the ogre charged us abruptly, barreling straight toward us like an oncoming elephant, hands reaching out greedily.

I readied myself.

Gojyo shoved past me.

“Wait!” I clawed at his coat sleeve and missed.

Regardless, he ran straight at the ogre, fearlessly as far as I could tell, and when he was only just out of arm’s reach, he jumped up and kicked the ogre in the face with a skull-cracking snap. The ogre flew backward, hit the floor hard, and slid a ways, knocking over a cluster of tall, ornate vases lined up on either side of the Buddha statue.

Gojyo landed lithely, raking hair out of his eyes and saluting with his middle finger, “Don’t fuckin’ touch my hair.”

I stepped up next to him. “Then, I take it you’re prepared to fight it?”

“We came to find out what’s going on up here, didn’t we?” Gojyo gave me a look that I thought was semi-surprised, like he wasn’t expecting me to be reluctant. Then again, for a man who’d charged into the fight head first, reluctance was probably odd in most situations. “Dunno about you, but I could definitely use the exercise—I’m gonna’ get fat eating your damn home cooked meals, if I don’t watch it.”

I laughed, wondering how he always managed to relate everything back to his concern with physical appearance. “Nonsense. I believe putting on a little weight would do you some good.”

Gojyo cocked his head to look at me, as if the thought had never even crossed his mind. “Really? You think so?”

“You are tragically skinny, my friend. It’s lucky I showed up when I did.”

The ogre was standing again, swaying a little and holding his head. I heard him roaring painfully, “Kill! Kill! Kill you, filthy humans! Eat your hearts! Crunch your bones!”

He came at me first, swinging one sledge hammer-sized fist at my head. I ducked under him, popped up and elbowed him in the stomach, doubling him over.

Angrier than ever, the ogre made another grab at Gojyo.

This time he was ready for it though, and he slipped out of the way, smooth as water, “Speaking of weight, this guy sure is a fat ass. Guess that comes from eating about thirty people, huh?” He hauled off and punched the ogre in the jaw.

The ogre tilted severely to the side, almost falling on his face, managed to catch himself just in time, and came back, roaring even angrier than before.

“Now, now. It’s rude to make personal comments, you know.” I felt long, jagged fingernails whistle past me as the ogre attacked again, gave him a swift uppercut to the chin that had him lifting off the ground a couple of feet a second or two.

“Ha! And saying ‘you’re tragically skinny’ isn’t a personal comment?” Gojyo jumped forward; it looked like has going to  heel stomp the ogre’s skull, hopefully crushing it like a melon, but the ogre rolled out of the way just in time, and Gojyo landed right where his head had been mere seconds ago, staggered, stumbled and fell right into me.

We collided with a mix of startled cries and landed in a disorganized jumble on the recently-waxed floor.

The ogre was laughing hysterically at us.

Frantically, I scrambled to disentangle myself from Gojyo and tried to get up, but I wasn’t fast enough, and the ogre grabbed my arm harshly, lifting me into the air, high above his head.

He threw me as if I were some sort of rag doll, and I found myself flying across the room at an astounding speed, smashed hard against the railing on the second floor. The balusters splintered, and the fine, red wood scattered across the floor, raining down on the ground level. Pain lashed through my head and down my spine in quick, sharp spikes.

Rubbing my head, I struggled to get up, had to hold on to a nearby column for support. That landing really hurt.

Below me, I heard the ogre laughing wildly, looked down just in time to see him dig his claws into the wooden column below me and begin climbing, ripping out chunks of wood with his long, dirty nails as he went. Before I knew it, he had reached the top and was towering over me monstrously, grinning and laughing with that strange mixture of brutality and stupidity. His shadow was cast over me as he stood there, hands reaching out, aching to break my bones, and he seemed the perfect image of an absolute beast, ruled by hunger and instinct.

I prepared to defend myself regardless, clenching my fists and getting into stance.

He swung a punch and it whistled by, dangerously close to my face. I ducked under the next one and had to back away from the one after that. The Ogre was roaring with anger, came at me with both hands, as if he wanted to rip me limb from limb. I darted to the side, found myself pressed up against a wooden column, and for a frightening moment, as the ogre stood over me, laughing in triumph, I almost thought I might not make it.

“Watch it!” Gojyo came out of nowhere, slamming as hard as he could against the ogre with his shoulder.

The ogre, being caught off guard, let out a startled yelp, then, arms flailing helplessly, fell backwards over the railing, ripping even more of it down. I heard him land harshly on the smooth, tiled floor below us.

Gojyo and I flung ourselves against the banister to look down to where the ogre was sprawled on the stone, scattered pieces of the railing shivering around him. A second passed, and then he twitched and roared again, getting painfully and slowly to his feet.

“Shit,” Gojyo panted. “He ain’t dead? I almost killed myself running up those goddamn stairs.”

“I think it will take a bit more than a thirty foot fall to kill him,” I mused.

“Well then let’s start taking this seriously, okay?”

“Oh? Forgive me, I was trying to restrain myself so you could keep up.”

“Ha ha, very funny, Hakkai.”

Below us, I heard another outraged roar, followed by a crunch that sounded a lot like someone stomping dried bones under their heel.

I looked down again to see the orge digging his claws into another column. With a ferocious, yellow grin, he tore away a piece of red-painted wood the size of my skull.

“Son of a bitch. What’s he doin’?”

“I’m a little reluctant to find out.”

This time, the ogre wrapped his giant, hairy arms all away around the beam and began to pull. He pulled and pulled, and after a few moments, I heard the wood began to crack, and then the floor under my feet started shifting. With one tremendous wrench, the ogre tore the column away, along with a chunk of the floor we were standing on, and the railing we were holding on to.

“Holy shit!”

Gojyo and I both sprang back just in the nick of time to avoid falling that same thirty feet to the ground floor. I slammed hard against the wall, Gojyo slipping beside me.

Laughing and howling, the ogre began to swing the column he was holding around and around like it was little more than a normal bo staff. “Humans. Stupid humans. Little humans. Tasty humans.”

There was a gut-wrenching impact as he smashed his new weapon against another one of the columns, and then a second snap, like someone’s femur breaking. The floor shuddered again and more wood exploded, falling back to the first story.

“We’d better get back down there.” I tugged Gojyo’s coat sleeve as I began to run. “Or else he’ll tear this whole place down.”

The stairs were a mere hundred feet away. A simple dash. We could make it, and when we got down there again, we could kill this creature and go report what we’d learned to Sanzo.

I was almost to the stairs when the ground in front of me crumbled in a violent spray of chunks of wood and splinters.

Screaming, I stopped as quickly as I could, shoes sliding on the finely polished floor, nearly lost my balance and tumbled through the hole the ogre had made.

“Fuck!” Gojyo as well skittered to a halt, fighting to stay upright on the edge of the drop.

I managed to snag his jacket seconds before he fell head first to the stone floor beneath us.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

We backed away. I analyzed the hole now between us and the stairs. It wasn’t very large. In fact, both of us could probably jump it.

“Gojyo—”

Under my feet, the floor tipped and slanted, forcing us close to the edge.

“Goddammit!” Gojyo sprang back, landing on the part of the floor that was still stable.

I started to follow. The floor collapsed under me, and I found myself free falling quite suddenly, clawing at the air in all futility.

A thirty foot drop didn’t sound like much. Looking down at it didn’t feel so bad either. Never the less, I knew that when I hit that solid, stone floor, it was going to hurt. I might even break one of my legs, and that would make fighting off an ogre next to impossible.

Gojyo snatched me out of mid air, his hand closing around my wrist.

A ragged scream tore from my lungs, but then I was swinging there, drifting back and forth like a stretch of thread, heart beating so quickly I thought it might burst.

Beneath me, the ogre roared in frustration, took a swing at me, and, shockingly, missed.

Frantically, I looked up into Gojyo’s face. “Pull me up!”

“Workin’ on it,” he snapped.

It took all I had to stay calm. There was nothing to grab onto. No hand holds, no foot holds, just empty air and the jagged, splintered edge of the floor Gojyo was leaning over. I couldn’t even help him pull me up.

It felt like it took forever. My heart kept pounding, and the ogre kept roaring and shouting and cursing and taking swings at me. He busted up more of the floor, and I began to fear that we’d both fall before Gojyo could pull me up.

Somehow he did it though. He heaved me up far enough that I could get a grip on the floor with my free hand, and then he fisted his own hand in the back of my coat, pulling me up onto the floor until my knees were the only things still dangling over the edge.

“C’mon!” Gojyo jerked me to my feet, and we began to run, in spite of my shakiness. I struggled to focus, doing my best not to let the noodly feeling in my legs get the best of me.

All around us now the floor was breaking and crumbling and falling in a rain of thick splinters. The ogre was ripping down column after column, the floor collapsing just inches behind our heels as we ran.

“Hakkai!” Gojyo leapt easily over an overturned vase the size of his torso as it fell into his path. “What should we do?”

“Going down is no longer an option, unless we want to do it the hard way.”

“So up?”

“I’m afraid we have no choice.”  
            We were quickly approaching the next staircase. Beyond that, I saw that the floor had already fallen in from the added strain. In another couple of moments, the stairs were going to collapse as well.

“We’d better hurry,” I mumbled, catching the edge of the railing and swinging myself up onto the steps.

Side by side, we raced up the stairs, and I didn’t have to look back to know that they too were crumbling right behind us.

When we just a few steps from the top, the ogre suddenly leapt down from above us, holding what little was left of his column. He was grinning like he’d just swallowed a huge chocolate cake. Or someone’s intestines.

“Shit!”

Gojyo and I both lurched to a halt.

“How in the world did he—”

No time. The staircase was falling right behind us.

The ogre was reaching out with his greasy, greedy fingers. “Nowhere to go. Nowhere to go. Humans.” He laughed again.

The step I was standing on buckled.

 _Nowhere to go_.

We were looking at a sixty foot drop now. It still wouldn’t kill us, I didn’t think, but it would certainly cause some damage.

Gritting my teeth, I shoved Gojyo forward, “Go!”

“Where?” he demanded, but he scrambled up the last few steps just the same.

The ogre saw him coming and opened his arms to catch him.

Gojyo feinted left, dodged suddenly to the right and managed to slip around him.

I took advantage of the ogre’s confusion and ducked under him as well.

We sprinted down the hall, racing toward the next flight of stairs.

Now it felt like the whole building was falling in around us. There was a deep rumbling that filled the air, and everything was shaking.

“How’re we gonna’ get out of here?”  
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that—this place likely won’t be standing in another ten minutes.”  
The orge was right behind us. I heard his giant feet slapping on the polished wood, and his guttural, fiendish voice was screaming loudly.

We were almost to the next flight of stairs. Perhaps on the third floor we’d find an exit of some sort. At least a balcony. I’d even settle for a window.

As we were starting up the steps however, the ogre slammed against two of the support beams the kept the stairs up, and they collapsed right in front of us before I could so much as set one foot on the first step.

We backed away, watching as the ogre advanced toward us again.

“Shit. I ain’t dyin’ here,” Gojyo snarled.

“Hush. No one’s dying here.”

Except maybe that _thing_.

“Come on.” I started running again, past the staircase this time leaping over holes in the floor and dodging debris that was raining down from above. I tore through the first door I came to, looking around quickly for any means of escape.

It appeared to be some sort of wash room. There was a large, stone pool in the middle of the room that had already been filled with water, as if someone had been planning to take a bath. The walls were drenched in blood, and I choked on the horrible scent of a decomposing corpse. A young acolyte was halfway in the pool, lying face down, and the water had a dusky red hue.

“Gross,” Gojyo coughed.

I slammed the door behind us, shutting out the ogre seconds before he followed us into the room.

“That won’t hold him for more than a second,” I said, skirting the edge of the pool and turning down corner where there was another, smaller room. There was a humble, bamboo table there, an overturned basin of water, and, much to my relief, a small window.

“Shit, Hakkai. The floor’s fallin’.”

I could feel it too. That rumbling and shuddering. I could hear it, cracking and splintering. It was only a matter of minutes now before the roof caved in on us, and then we would certainly die.

“We have to get out of here,” I said, mostly to myself. “Once we’re out, we can deal with the ogre.”

As if on cue, I heard the beast burst through the door, howling with outrage, and then there was a slosh of water as he, no doubt, stormed right through the bloody pool.

“Right.” Gojyo pressed in a little closer to me, “So we’re going on that window, right?”

I appraised the window again, quickly. It was very small. My shoulders might not fit through it. But it was the only hope we had.

Gojyo didn’t wait for my answer. He lifted the basin and threw it through the window; shards of thick glass flew everywhere, landing on the floor like hard rain.

He shoved me toward it. “You go first. If I get stuck we’re both fucked.”

I felt that strange warmth well up inside me again, but I didn’t have time to dwell on it.

The ogre stuck his hideous face around the corner and then he barreled down the hallway toward us.

“Hakkai!” Gojyo pushed me again.

“Yes. Of course.” I mounted the window sill, twisting so my shoulders were more vertical than horizontal, and shoved my way through. I felt a piece of glass slash my upper arm as I did so, but ignored it.

Around me, the mountains were beautiful, the ground a long ways down, and I could feel the whole sanctuary trembling, as if on the very verge of collapse. But where to go?

Beneath me was a second window. It was a long shot, but perhaps I could jump down onto that ledge. But then, where would Gojyo go?

I turned to have a word with him. “Gojyo, I—”

The ogre hit him full force, knocking him back against the wall and grabbing at his throat, teeth gnashing inches from his face, and Gojyo did his best to hold him back, shoving his hand against the ogre’s neck and kicking him hard a couple times. “Just go!” he choked.

The ogre tightened his grip. I saw his claws sinking into Gojyo’s flesh.

Barely thinking about it, I slid back down from the window sill and picked up the humble, wooden table. It was a bit heavier than it looked, fortunately for us. With all my might, I lifted it above my head and brought it down on the ogre’s skull. The table blew apart into a million pieces.

The ogre screamed and stumbled back, holding his monstrous head.

Gojyo stumbled back too, nearly falling, scrabbling to keep on his feet. He rubbed his neck. “I told ya’…to get outta’ here…”

“There’s nowhere to go,” I told him severely.

“Bull…shit. Fine.” He shouldered past me. “I’ll go first.”

 He climbed lithely onto the window sill, “Hold that thing off.”

 The ogre was still staggering a bit, blood streaming from its ear, but it looked like it was getting its head together, coming toward me.

“You’d better hurry,” I told Gojyo.

 He’d already slipped through the window and was standing tediously on the ledge outside, clinging to the wall.

I took a step back, groping around for a weapon. My hand found a shard of glass as thick as my palm and as long as my middle finger. I watched and waited.

The ogre was stomping toward me.

I waited.

He was just a few feet away.

But he wasn’t close enough.

Finally, he lunged.

He slammed against me; I smelled his putrid breath pouring over my face.

I jammed the shard of glass into his eye. Hot blood showered over me, getting in my hair and spraying across my nose.

The ogre howled, clawing at his eye.

I kicked him back, and then hoisted myself up and out the window to stand beside Gojyo. “Haven’t you figured it out yet?”

“I was waiting for you!” he snapped. His hair was flying back in the wind and he looked very warrior-like in that moment.

I felt somewhat warrior like myself.

But the building was crumbling around us. Even as we stood there, a piece of the roof fell, nearly hitting me in the head, and somewhere far away I heard the ring of even more glass and stone breaking. We only had a couple minutes left by now.

“That cart down there.” He pointed.

There was a small cart, likely used for transporting food. I couldn’t tell if it were meant to be hooked to an animal or if it were something you pushed, but either way, it wasn’t very big. Also, it was several feet away, and there was a chance that if we jumped we’d miss it. In fact, the only thing even remotely promising about the cart was that the back was loaded up with a pile of hay.

“Gojyo, if we miss we’re going to snap both our legs and be killed for sure.”

“Yeah. And?”

“If we don’t jump,” I mused, “We’re going to fall anyway, I suppose…”

The wall buckled. I felt it falling in, the terrifying feeling of my whole body swaying backward.

Inside, the ogre roared, and then there was a sickening crunch as he put his fist through the wall and tore a huge chunk out of it.

Gojyo screamed. Afraid or just startled, I couldn’t tell. I felt like screaming too though.

The ogre punched another hole through the wall.

The wind blew my hair.

I felt the ledge we were standing on starting to give.

“Let’s jump,” I said. “We have no choice.”

“Right. You first.”

“No. On three.”

“Fine.”

“One. Two.”

The ogre burst through the wall, leaping onto the ledge with us, clearly oblivious to the fact that it was too tiny to even begin to support his weight. He was screaming something I couldn’t make out.

The ledge gave out and began to fall.

“Three!” I shouted.

I sprang just in time, jumped just as far as I could, and then I was falling for the second time, tumbling through the air, arms flailing, legs kicking wildly. I thought for sure I was going to hit the ground.

I landed hard in the pile of hay. It wasn’t as soft as it had looked from the window ledge, but it was much better than slamming against the stone-hard ground. I hit with an oomph and got the wind knocked out of me. Gojyo landed on top of me just a split second later, his elbow hitting me in the eye.

And the ogre landed on the ground just behind us, rolled a bit, and slammed into the back of the cart.

I felt the wheels jerk loose. The cart began to roll. Slowly at first, but we were on a steep hill after all, and the force of gravity was pulling us down, causing us to roll faster and faster over the side of the ridge.

We both scrambled to sit up, hay flying everywhere. I looked over my shoulder, saw the ogre jump to his feet and come racing after us. Just behind him, the sanctuary was sagging, falling apart in one dramatic moment. I watched with wide eyes as it fell in like a house of cards.

“Fuck!” Gojyo screamed.

We were jolting along down the ridge now, flying over rocks and bouncing off boulders, barely missing trees. I ducked under a branch, barely avoiding getting struck in the face. I clutched the edges of the cart.

“Hakkai! What now?”  
            “Why don’t you come up with something for a change?”

“I was the one who said we should jump into the cart!”

“This was a horrible idea!” Another branch zipped past me, and I felt it scrape my cheek. “It doesn’t count!”

“That thing is gaining on us!”

That was true, I saw. The ogre was just a few yards from the cart, getting closer and closer.

We slammed against a tree and caught some air going over a boulder. For a moment, we were suspended in the sky, cart and all, hay whipping away behind us.

“Uh, Hakkai.”

Gojyo shook my shoulder.

Up ahead there was the sudden, sheer drop off of a cliff.

“How do we make this thing stop?”

“I-I’m not sure we can…” I stuttered.

“Shit. Shit! There’s no telling how far a fall that is!”

“Just hold on—”

The cart lurched one last time, flying up over a smooth boulder that was rather like a ramp, and we were launched out into space, both our bodies ejected out of the cart and hanging in the air, falling so slowly, it almost felt as if I wasn’t falling at all.

How perfectly blue the sky was. And the scenery. All around me I saw vivid, forest green and colored splashes of flowers. Below us though….

I was afraid to look down.

Screaming and clawing at one another, we fell and fell and fell and

Sploosh.

My body hit water, hard, but it too was better than hitting the ground. For a second, my head was submerged and I was sucking in a lungful of water. I touched the bottom of the river and propelled myself back up, slung my head back as I surfaced again, throwing my wet hair back and forth.

It was a river we’d landed in. Fairly wide, but not all that deep. The current was quick, carrying me down stream steadily.

A few feet away, Gojyo came up for air, crimson hair slung across his face, sputtering and cursing.

I didn’t see the ogre anywhere. It would have to be incredibly stupid to leap over the edge of a cliff just to follow us into the river. Good riddance.

Now, of course, we had a different problem.

“Swim for the shore!” I was already churning my arms and kicking my legs, doing my best to get to shallow water.

However, the current was a little stronger than I’d first assessed it to be, and getting to shore proved to be a daunting task. At one point, I managed to grab hold of a log that was jutting out over the river, but when Gojyo drifted by and grabbed onto my coat, the log snapped and the three of us continued down river, bobbing in the rapids and being pulled under occasionally. Before long, I began to feel tired. I draped my arms over the log, and so did he, and we got carried along like that for a while.

The further we went, the wilder the river became, slinging us back and forth, slamming us against rocks, dragging us down and spinning us around. I got mouthful after mouthful of dirty river water, and I was freezing cold.

“Dammit.” Gojyo groaned, “I can’t believe what a shitty day this is.”

Ahead of us, I recognized the thunderous sound of a waterfall, and a deep one at that. “It’s about to get worse.” I warned him.

“What? Oh, shit!” He held onto the log with one arm and did his best to swim back up against the stream. “Oh shit!”

It was no use. In another ten seconds, we were going to go over that water fall and possibly get dashed against the rocks at the bottom.

For some reason, I felt the inexplicable urge to laugh. “My, this certainly turned out to be much more interesting than I expected.”

“Screw. You. Hakkai.”

“Well, I suppose there’s no sense in fighting it. Just close your eyes and hope for the best.”

“Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shiiiiiiiiit!”

The river flung us out over the edge of the waterfall, and then we were plummeting yet again. I lost my grip on the log and it hovered beside me. Gojyo was screaming. I couldn’t even find the voice to scream. I just wanted to laugh and laugh and laugh.

When we hit the bottom, I was shocked to have survived, and as I surfaced once more, swam for the shore, and dragged myself up out of the pool, I felt unbelievably relieved.

 _Wouldn’t that be something…_ I thought as I trudged up onto the shore, dripping wet and shivering. My coat had been ripped right along the shoulder and now the right arm of it was falling off. Just as well. It wasn’t a coat I had liked very much to begin with.

_Wouldn’t that be something to tell Kanan?_

I wondered if she would have been afraid to hear such a story, or if she would have laughed, like me.

_I suppose I’ll never get the opportunity to find out now._

Behind me, Gojyo came up, gasping and choking. “H-Hakkai! Hey! Help!”

I turned to smile at him, “Are you tired of swimming?” Then offered him my hand.

I dragged him out of the water, and we both made our way up away from the river, collapsed on a patch of grass a safe distance from the water’s edge, and fell onto our backs, breathing hard.

Gojyo spread his arms open wide. “Holy fuckin’ shit.”

I laughed.

“That was insanity. What’re you laughin’ for?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. Nothing.”

“It ain’t _nothing_.” He scowled at me.

“You. You were just so funny.”

“Me? How the hell was I funny?”

All I could do was laugh even more.

“We almost died!” he reminded me.

I chuckled. “Yes, yes, I know.”

“Shit.” He sat up straight. “What do you think happened to the troll?”

“The ogre. And I’m not sure. I don’t believe it fell in the river with us, so I suspect it’s miles behind us now.”

“Great. Good. I don’t wanna’ deal with that thing anymore.” He stood up, legs almost giving out.

“Hm. You likely could have killed it, you know. You’re stronger than I thought you were.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. I just wasn’t sure you were going to make it back there.” I stood up, grinning all the more. My legs felt weak as well, but more than anything, I was just glad to be alive.

“Yeah, well keep that in mind. Gojyo’s a lean, mean sonnova bitch.”

We began to walk, and I was still laughing.

“How’re we gonna’ explain tearing that sanctuary down to Sanzo?”  
            “Well, we didn’t necessarily tear it down…”

“He’s gonna’ be pissed anyway.”

“Are you afraid of Sanzo?”

“Hell no! I ain’t scared of that bastard! But he might not pay us.”

“Oh, I think he will. After all, we did find out what he wanted us to find out.”

Gojyo ran his fingers through his hair and lit a cigarette. “Guess so.”

“I believe I can talk him into giving us at least _some_ of our due money.”

“Some…?”

“My half at least,” I teased.

“Goddamn. I think I liked it better when you were bummin’.”

“Ah, yes. That. In all the excitement, I seem to have forgotten what I was depressed about.”

Gojyo snorted, “Somethin’ about your old life, I think.”

“Hm.” I looked up at the sky and pondered that a moment. Kanan was dead, my old village destroyed by my own two hands, and I had no friends, no family, and nothing to live for. My old life was more than gone. It had been destroyed.

In my old life, I never would have been climbing a god forsaken mountain on the whim of a Sanzo priest. I likely never would have had to fight a ogre either; nor would I have almost died in a collapsing building. I certainly wouldn’t have sped down a hill in a hand cart or drifted for miles down a raging river with a chain-smoking child of taboo. Instead, I would have been home with Kanan, or else playing with my students this afternoon.

It wasn’t that the old life was really so much better, I supposed. I mean, of course, I would always miss Kanan, and I would grieve her death for years to come. But that didn’t mean I should stop living. Right?

I laughed again, and Gojyo looked at me, startled. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Well, it looks as if I have quite a strange, _new_ life.”

“Man, I never realized what an optimist you are.”

“Let’s go home,” I suggested. “I think I want that drink you promised me.”


	2. Mission Two--Abandonment Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without understanding why, Hakkai learns how much Gojyo hates to be alone and makes a promise that will transcend time, distance, and hardship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse all format errors, as I am a lazy piece of shit.

**Gojyo**

            I flipped the lid of my lighter open thoughtfully. “Maybe I shoulda’ refilled this before we left.”

            Hakkai, who had paused off to the side of the trail, answered mildly, “I don’t think this will take very long.”

            “You don’t think what will take long? Fighting off a gang?”

            “We don’t have to fight them; we simply have to convince them to vacate the area.”

            “Damn, since when are we the police?”

            He crouched down, feeling around the base of the plant he’d been inspecting. “We do whatever Sanzo doesn’t have time to squeeze into his undoubtedly busy schedule, as you well know. I’m sure he’s much too busy to deal with something so trifling.”  
            I snorted at his sarcasm. In these last six months of living with the guy, if there was one thing I’d learned, it was that Hakkai’s sarcasm was seamless, and it had taken this whole half year just to get a decent idea of when he was joking and when he meant what he said. This time, I knew he couldn’t possibly be serious. “Yeah, well what the hell does Sanzo care if there’s a gang living in these woods or not? And what the hell are you doing?”

            He pulled the plant up suddenly, stood up again and walked to me, holding out the lush, green stem so I could see the brown, clotted bulb on the end. “You said you were hungry, didn’t you?”

            “Yeah, but I ain’t about to eat dirt.”

            Hakkai shook his head sadly. “Didn’t anyone ever teach you anything? It’s an onion.”

            I took the plant slowly. “Really? An onion?”

            “A sweet onion, in fact. Just peel it.”

            We began walking again, and I scraped absently at the dirt encasing the bulb for a few *minutes before I saw that it really _was_ an onion. “People have taught me plenty of things,” I told him. “Just not _this_ kind of shit.”

            “Yes, I know. You’re all street smarts and no book smarts. And to answer your other question, I think Sanzo is a little leery of having gangs in the area because there’s no telling when they might try to rob Keiun. It’s not as if it’s never happened before.”

            Yeah, I guess that made sense. After Banri’s gang of temple thieves had been in town, I guess I couldn’t blame Sanzo for being nervous. “Either way, doin’ that guy’s dirty work for a living sure does suck.” I finished peeling the onion and took a bite. It actually wasn’t too bad. I don’t know if I’d call it sweet, but it definitely wasn’t like a normal, sour, eye-watering onion. It had a nice crunch too.

            Hakkai didn’t answer. I had no idea what he was thinking—I could never even begin to guess what Hakkai was thinking—he was a complicated guy, and I knew there was a lot going on in his head. He wasn’t a bad dude though. He kept my apartment clean, and he was a damn good cook. I’d gained almost ten pounds in the last six months, and I was looking pretty slim and sexy just the same, if I did say so myself. Amazing what three square meals a day could do for a guy.

            Normally, he was pretty fun to be around too. For the most part, he stayed in a good mood, and he was polite to a fault. A nice guy if I’d ever met one. Never mind that dark past of his. All the ladies in town were smitten with him, and I’d been straining to control my rampant jealousy for months now. It was just ‘cause he was new and so nice, and besides, I told myself, Hakkai’s not interested in any chicks. Not right now.

            I finished off the onion and rested my elbow on Hakkai’s shoulder, lighting up a cigarette. “Hey, you finished off that last gang all by yourself, didn’t you?” It was a stupid question. I knew damn well he had. I’d been there, tied to the chair, watching in disbelief as he took on twenty guys alone.

            “Yes, you were no help whatsoever.” Hakkai was also pretty good at dishing it right back whenever I decided to bust on him a little. Sometimes it still honestly surprised me. “What’s your point?”

            I grinned. “You got this then.”

            Hakkai smiled back at me so brightly I felt a chill begin at the top of my spine. “Oh, I see what you’re saying. You want me to bring home the proverbial bacon. You expect me to go out and be the breadwinner while you stay behind and keep the house tidy. That’s very noble of you, Gojyo, volunteering for the woman’s position. I hope you realize that means no more late night partying—I’ll expect warm dinner on the table when I get home, of course. Not to mention a foot massage.”

            I let my arm slide off his shoulder and took a puff off my cigarette. “On second thought, I probably shouldn’t let a little guy like you go off and handle this kinda’ shit on your own.”

            Hakkai laughed, “Well, I’m not too fond of your cooking in the first place.”

            “What can I say? I don’t do very well with the girly stuff.”

            “All the better for attracting a female, I suppose.”

            “How’d I wind up living with another dude anyway?”

            “Oh, don’t mind me. I promise not to be jealous when you finally manage to find Miss Perfect. Assuming it ever happens.”

            “Hey now. That was uncalled for—”

            He stopped right in front of me, and I nearly ran into him. “We’re here.”

            I looked up. We were at some kind of…I don’t know, barracks, I guess. There was a handful of old, sort of ragged-looking buildings, some with boarded up windows or sagging roofs. There wasn’t any grass, just a dusty, dirty compound, and off to the right I saw an old, stone well. A few guys were patrolling the perimeter, but we were still hidden in the trees for the most part, so they hadn’t noticed us yet. _I_ noticed they were all carrying heavy artillery: big machetes, daggers, battle axes, staffs and even crossbows.

            “What is this place?”

            “According to Sanzo, there was a town here, long ago. Most of it was burned to the ground, but a few buildings are still functional.” He turned to look at me, frowning slightly. “Do you _ever_ listen to what Sanzo tells us during the briefing?”

            “First of all, it ain’t really a briefing. It’s not like we’re a damn military. Secondly. No. I try not to—but, it’s okay, right, ‘cause you listen, and that’s all that matters.”

            Hakkai scoffed, “I’m going to start requiring you to take notes.”

          “Fuck _that_.”

            “Regardless of whether you paid attention or not, the job isn’t going to complete itself, so shall we get started?”

            “Why not?” I stepped around him and started moving out of the woods.

            Hakkai tried to call me back, “Gojyo, wait a minute. We haven’t discussed our planned course of action yet.”

            “What, we’re just gonna go up and tell ‘em to get lost, aren’t we?”

            Hakkai sighed, and a second later I heard him coming after me.

            He was always sort of reluctant like that. I didn’t think it was that he was scared or anything, but I got the sense that he didn’t like going in, guns blazing. He’d rather try to find a non-violent solution to the problem. I wondered vaguely if that had to do with his past. After all, he’d said he didn’t want to hurt people anymore.

            To me, running in head first was the only way to ever get anything done. Especially if I was in a hurry, and right now, I had a whole night planned out that I couldn’t wait to get to, and the sooner I finished up here, the better.

            It didn’t take long for the guards to see me coming. The first one had a long tanto knife. He paused and pointed it at me, probably wishing he had something a little more long range. “Stop right there! Who the hell are you?”

            “Just the neighbor. Came to borrow a cup of sugar.” I pulled the cigarette from my mouth and smiled at him.

            “Do pardon our intrusion,” Hakkai added, stepping up beside me, “We’ve come to speak with the man in charge, whoever he may be.”

          “Who _are_ you?” the guy asked firmly. He had a long scar over his right arm and he looked like he might be a youkai. I wondered if they all were.

            A ways behind him, a few other guards had noticed us and were running in our direction, shouting. People started coming out of the buildings too, but it looked like they were just looking to see what was happening.

            The three new guards arrived on the scene. One had an axe, the other two were carrying crossbows. They looked like they meant business. The guy with the axe was definitely a youkai, with the ears and the fangs and shit, the crossbow dudes looked human. I guess that answered my question about whether it was a mixed gang or not. Damn, I didn’t like having those arrows aimed at my face though.

            “Hey, why don’t you put those damn things down?” I snapped. “Imagine how shitty my love life’s gonna’ be if one of you dumbasses puts an arrow through my eye.”

            They didn’t move.

            “I believe what my friend is trying to say, in his extremely rude and self-absorbed manner, is that we didn’t come here to fight with you. We have a message for your leader, and then we’ll be on our way.”

            The first guy had a pretty bad case of one-track mind, because all he said was, “I’ll ask you one more time; who the fuck are you people?”

            Hakkai sighed again and exchanged a half-irritate, half-regretful look with me. “My name is Cho Hakkai, and this is Sha Gojyo. We’re local messenger boys, and we’ve come to have a word with your leader.”

            “Messenger boys my ass,” I grumbled.

            Hakkai kept smiling pleasantly. “If you don’t mind, we’d like to deliver our message and be on our way home.”

            “That’s right. Some of us have gotta’ night life to get here.”

            “Who is the leader here, may I ask?” he demanded, sounding a bit impatient when they still didn’t make a move to call out their head hancho. “Is there one? Or are you simply a band of mindless rabble?”

            “I’m the leader here,” a deep, smooth voice announced, and I looked around, saw a guy coming down out of the nearest building. He was a lot taller than either of us, which was impressive to me, being an even six feet tall myself, and he was buff. Not like disgustingly buff, but he was definitely all muscle, shirtless, with a sword strapped on his back, wearing big, black combat boots and military fatigues. Something about his shaggy, blonde hair and his frowning face and the cigarette in his mouth made me think of Sanzo. He was a youkai, with claws that could turn me into jerky in a matter of a couple of strikes, but he was holding a helluva piece. I’m talking 44 revolver, black, shiny and dangerous. It made me remember just how utterly unarmed me and Hakkai were.

            Dr. Danger threw his cigarette down and stomped on it viciously. “Messengers, huh? You’re nothin’ but a coupla’ kids.”

            “Kids?” I demanded. “We’re both goin’ on twenty here, asshole.”

            He made a sound. I think it was supposed to be a laugh, but his mouth wasn’t smiling, and there was murder in his eyes. It made me want to take a step back. “I was wrong then. You’re a coupla’ _babies._ ”

            I started to toss an insult his way, but Hakkai suddenly grabbed my wrist and squeezed really, really tight, and while I was wriggling and struggling to wrench away, he said coolly, “Excuse me, sir. We’re not trying to intrude—but we have a message for you; if you care to hear it now we can be on our way forthwith.”

            The guy gave Hakkai a really strange look. I think he got that a lot, talking all proper and shit. “Then why are there two of you? It should only take one ballsy kid to relay a message, shouldn’t it?”

            “Just a matter of precaution, I assure you.”

            “I get you, son.” The guy grinned, a gnashing display of sharp skeleton teeth. “There’s safety in numbers.”

            I was starting to get a bad feeling about all of this.

            He was right in front of us now, looking us over like we were a couple scraps of meat, and I could smell sweat and sex and booze all over him. Suddenly, he reached out and caught a handful of my hair, running it through his fingers like it was a ribbon.

            It startled me so bad, I jumped back, jerking my hair.

            The creep laughed at me, then turned back to Hakkai. “So you brought your mutt with you, son? Somethin’ tells me his bark’s worse than his bite.”

            I shoved him off, growling, “Don’t fuckin’ touch my hair, asshole.”

            He only laughed more and patted my cheek. “See what I mean?”

            “About our message,” Hakkai said coldly, shouldering up next to me.

            “Stow your message, green eyes. It don’t matter now.” He grabbed my chin next, jerking my head back and forth like he was trying to get a good angle on my jaw, musing as he did so. “Nasty scars.” I did my best to keep calm, but when he pried my lips back to get a look my teeth, I lost it. “Get your filthy hands offa’ me, ya’ sick fuckin’ son of a—”

            In the blink of an eye, that shiny, black, dangerous as hell 44 was level with my forehead.

            “Don’t make me blow the top of your head off, kiddo. That’d be such a waste.”

            I stood perfectly still, not even breathing, and beside me, Hakkai did the same thing. I couldn’t figure out what was happening here. Weren’t we just supposed to tell them to scram and see how that went and then go home? Maybe fight. Maybe not. Maybe have to come back later and beat them up. I wasn’t supposed to have a big-ass gun in my face, yet again.

            Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at Hakkai. Last time something like this happened, he’d just dealt with it. He’d snapped his limiters off, one, two, three, and then we went home. Any second now, he was going to go crazy on this guy’s ass, and we’d be out of here, and screw delivering the message. This asshole didn’t even deserve to have a warning. He deserved to be taken apart, for pulling my hair and touching my face and calling me mutt.

            Hakkai wasn’t moving. His eyes were fixed on the big youkai’s face, and I realized that more of them were closing in on us, and they had guns too. I don’t know how I’d missed the guns before, if they’d had them all along or if they’d had to go get them, but either way, they had them now, drawn and ready to fire at any slight indication of movement.

            My mind was a blur of thoughts. There had to be some way out of this. There had to be something I could do to escape. Fight. Run. Something. My heart was beating so hard it hurt. If I so much as twitched, this guy was going to shoot me. I saw the cold, careless expression in his eyes, and I knew he wasn’t kidding—I was nothing to him. Just another worthless punk-ass and I had to face the facts: even in his youkai form, I didn’t think there was anything Hakkai could do to get us out of this either. If he reached for his limiters he might get them off in time to save himself, but I’d be a bloody shell on the ground, and I knew Hakkai wasn’t selfish enough to do that to me.

            I guess I should be relieved, but I just felt angry.

            “Now.” The leader drawled softly, “Why don’t you boys put your hands in the air, and don’t try anything. You’re pretty well surrounded.”

            Hakkai tried one last time to negotiate, “That seems excessive. Why don’t you just hear me out and let us go home?”

            “I don’t think you wanna’ hear all the grim, dirty details, son. Just put your hands up.”

            Slowly, Hakkai lifted his hands. For a heart-pounding second, I thought he’d go for it—he’d at least try taking his limiter off—but he just raised them above his head and stood there, so perfectly docile you’d think he really was human.

            “Well?” The man glared at me.

            I felt the icy steel of the barrel tap my forehead innocently.

            “You too, kiddo.”

            Resignedly, I put my hands up.

            Did the sicko lower his gun though? Hell no. He kept the muzzle hovering just millimeters from the bridge of my nose. One tick of the finger and I’d have a hole through my face. “March,” he ordered.

            We marched, hands clasped behind our necks, guns jamming against our backs, they walked us side by side through the middle of the barracks; everyone was standing around watching, whispering to each other and laughing. That really pissed me off.

            Actually, the whole thing pissed me off. What were they going to do with us? Lock us up somewhere? For what? Maybe they’d just take us behind the shed and shoot us. But why? We didn’t do anything to them. God damn that fucking Sanzo for making us do this. I had plans for tonight, plans I shouldn’t have to miss for anything. Especially not this.

            Just once, I tried to catch Hakkai’s eye, but he was very careful not to look back at me, and I got the sense he was doing it on purpose. That only made me angrier.

            They marched us around to the tallest building in the compound. It was about twice the size of any of the other buildings, and it looked really rundown and crappy. The walls were scraped up and painted on, and there was some sort of makeshift barbed wire fence encircling it. They marched us up the concrete steps and through a pair of heavy, double doors. The inside of the place was extra fucking bleak. It was dark and stuffy and completely bare. It didn’t even look like it had electricity. It was such a shit hole, the boss didn’t even want to go in. He stood just outside the door as a few guys marched us inside, calling, “Don’t rough ‘em up too much: we need them in good shape.”

          That was the last weird straw for me. “Good shape for _what_?” I demanded, trying to twist around and get a look at him.

            The guy escorting me bumped me with the barrel of his gun and shoved me forward. “Keep walking.”

            We went down a long hallway that was almost totally black. I could just barely see Hakkai walking in front of me. I brushed against the wall. It felt like rock.

            When we finally stopped, we were standing in front of a small, featureless door with a number painted on it. It was too dark to even make out what that number was.

            “Here we are.” One of the guards laughed, swinging the door open, “Make yourselves at home.”

            “I ain’t goin’ in there,” I snapped.

            “Oh you’ll go in. All together or in pieces, it don’t make no difference to me.”

            “Gojyo.” Hakkai nudged me. “Please don’t cause any trouble.”

            Trouble? What the hell was he thinking? We were being kidnapped here! God only knew what kind of sick shit they wanted to do with us.

            I was starting to feel dazed. This just felt so familiar. I was pretty sure something like this had happened to me before…maybe when I was a kid… If only I could remember those days a little better.

            I bit my tongue and finally allowed the guards to shove me into the room.

            One of them sneered, “Try to relax. You ain’t goin’ anywhere, kiddies.”

            Then the door slammed shut behind us. It sounded a lot heavier than it looked.

            Immediately, I turned to shove against it, feeling once and for all just how solid it was. I tried the doorknob next, but it was locked. “Leme’ outta’ here, you asshole! What do you think you’re doing? Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I said—”

            Hakkai gripped my arm. “I don’t think that’s going to do us any good.”

            I turned to him, angrier than ever. “What do you think we should do then?”

            “I can think of half a dozen things that are twice as productive as screaming at the door, right off the top of my head.”

            “What the hell, Hakkai? Are you crazy?”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “Back there, you just stood there and let this happen.”

            “I didn’t realize it was my responsibility to prevent this.”

            “You could have though.”

            “Me? I don’t see how—”

            “Stop it! You know what I’m talking about.”

            “No,” he said coolly, “I’m afraid I don’t.”

            “What, you’re supposed to have killed a bunch of people or something, right? You’re like a mass murderer, aren’t you?”

            I saw the outrage on his face, and for the first time I realized there was a window in *the room, letting in some pale sunlight. “ _I_ should have done something because _I’m_ a mass murderer? Just what did you expect me to do? They have _guns_ , Gojyo.”

            Right, the guns. Right.

            I started pacing angrily. “You didn’t even try. I saw you wipe out fifty guys all by *yourself once.”

            “There weren’t fifty.”

            “Well there were more than there are here.”

          “I highly doubt that. And in any case, I don’t like having to resort to _that_. I only did it before because I had no choice.”

            I remembered much too clearly what he was like without his limiter on, and when I thought about it, I understood why he didn’t like walking around without it, like most youkai did. It could be the scariest thing I’d ever seen in my life. That smile was so…

            “So what now?” I slumped to sit against the wall, just beneath the window. It was a pretty small window, and it was about five feet above my head anyway. I doubted I could jump that high. Could he?

            “I refuse to believe we’re entirely out of options. It’s true that they have guns, but they seem to be a somewhat average band of slave traders.”

            “Slave traders?!” I squawked. “Since when are they slave traders?”

            Hakkai looked at me mildly. “Since always. Sanzo told us that in the briefing.”

            “They’re gonna’ sell us?”

            “Hm. I highly doubt that. Of course, I’m sure they’d like to, but for the time being they’re completely under the impression that we are a pair of human children. Well, they assume I am, at least. You’re clearly…” he trailed off, started walking back and forth himself, thinking.

            I’m glad he cut off there. I didn’t want to hear the rest.

            _You’re clearly just a mutt._

“Regardless of what they want, they’re wrong. As I was saying, they appear to be an average group of slave traders—not especially smart, not particularly powerful, and not all that large in number—it should be simple to outsmart as well as overpower them.”

            “So why didn’t you do it out there?”

            “Because I didn’t want to get shot. But now, here, we have a much broader palette of options.”

            “Oh really?” I looked around, as if there was something I’d missed. “Because all I see are four walls and a locked door.”

            “There is, of course, the window.” He pointed up at it.

            “Yep. Saw that too. Saw that it’s up about twice the height of me and gave up on it.”

            “In that case, you’re giving up much too easily.”

            I just looked at him. I didn’t know what he thought we could do with a window that was way too high for either of us to get to.

            For the first time, I realized I’d dropped my cigarette out there somewhere, began to dig through my pockets for a new one.

            “What do you think we should do?”

            Hakkai grabbed me under the arm and pulled me to my feet. “The first step to getting anywhere is to stand up.”

            “So, you got a plan?” That was good. As long as he had a plan to get us out of here, I was happy. I just might get to go through with my arrangements for tonight after all.

            “Of course I do. Do you honestly think I would have told you not to cause trouble at the door if I didn’t have some idea of how we could get out of here?”

            “Uh. Well. Yeah. I dunno’.”

            Hakkai shook his head. “I take back what I said about you being street smart. Fortunately, you are good for something. Here. Kneel down under the window. I think if I stand on your shoulders I can reach it.”

            “I thought you wanted me to stand,” I growled; the room was hot, and I felt itchy and irritable.

            “Now I want you to kneel. Please keep in mind that we don’t have a lot of time. And if anyone should want to escape from this place, it should be you. After all, that leader of theirs seemed very interested in you in particular.”

            Grumbling, I knelt down beneath the window, allowing him to step up on my shoulders, stood carefully. It looked like he could actually reach the window, and I felt stupid for not having thought of it, but still…

            “Hey, ‘Kai. What am I gonna do when you get out there? I mean, how’m I supposed to get out?”

            He pulled himself up onto the window easily. “Ah, that’s the tricky part, I’m afraid. I could try to pull you up, but I don’t think that would be very fruitful.”

            “But.” My heart was starting to race a little bit again. “You do have a plan right? You _can_ get us both out of here?”

            “Don’t sound so distressed. It’s a simple matter of me coming back and unlocking the door for you.”

            That felt familiar too. Hadn’t someone done this to me before? Hadn’t someone said you be the hostage until I get back, never meaning to come back in the first place?

            “Yeah? But that means getting the key and sneaking past the guards and dealing with the guns, all by yourself. Doesn’t it?”

            “Gojyo. Stop worrying. Stay calm until I get back.” With that, he ducked through the window and dropped out of sight.

            “Hey wait!” I pressed against the wall, feeling how cold and uninviting it was. “Banri! I mean, _Hakkai!_ ”

            He didn’t answer.

            “Hakkai?”

            It was no use. He was gone.

           _Gone. Just like that. ‘Have a nice life, Gojyo’._

            Just like Jien.

            Shaking the thought away, I kept staring up at the window for a couple more minutes.

           _Keep calm. No big deal. He said he’d come back. He’ll be back._

_Besides, if I make a lot of noise the guards’ll get suspicious._

_Shit, how’s he supposed to sneak past all those armed guards to let me out?_

_He just will. He has to. He said he’d come back._

_He said he would._

            I stripped off my coat. It was just way too hot in the cell, and I was even feeling a little dizzy from it. Then I found my lighter, lit my cigarette, and sat down again.

            A long time passed, and I kept listening for any sign of Hakkai coming down the hallway. Either my cell was soundproof or nothing was happening anywhere.

            I told myself it didn’t matter. I was just being paranoid. Of course he was going to come back for me—he said he would.

           _Since when does that matter?_

            There had been plenty of people throughout my life who’d said they were going to do something and then didn’t. People who said they’d give me something or let me crash with them or come back for me, and in the end I was the one they left behind or lied to or forgot about.

           _Not Hakkai though._

           _Why not Hakkai? He’s just another asshole person, isn’t he?_

I didn’t want to think so. When I thought about Hakkai, smiling at me or cleaning my ashtray or digging up a goddamn onion because I was hungry, I didn’t want to believe he was just another jerk who was going to let me down.

            Why shouldn’t I though? Hell, I didn’t know him that well. Everyone I’d ever known was the same way: when the going got tough, they took off. Banri. Jien. Even I was like that. This was tough going. But wouldn’t I be the perfect distraction. They still had me, why did they need to bother chasing him down. Did they need both of us?

          ‘… _That leader of theirs seemed very interested in you in particular…’_

_Creepy._

Why did he have to say that before he left?

            Yeah, that guy was weird. What would he want with me?

            I didn’t want to think about what that sicko might want with me.

            All I really wanted was for Hakkai to come back so I could go home.

            “Hakkai?” I called, just hoping that for some stupid reason he could hear me and he would answer.

            No answer.

           _No way. He’s halfway back to town by now._

            No. No. I couldn’t think that way. I couldn’t believe he’d just leave me here.

           _Jien did. Jien walked out on you knowing full well that you were twelve years old *without a dime to your name. He was your_ brother _._

            If my own brother would walk out on me, why wouldn’t Hakkai? Hakkai didn’t want to be sold into slavery. Why shouldn’t he take his opportunity to bolt and go for it?

           _That’s what I would do._

            Maybe that was the real problem. That’s what I would do, so I just expected everyone else to do it too.

           _So what about Banri?_

            I knew Banri for a couple of years. We were partners in crime. Accomplices. Drinking buddies…

            Not friends though. Whatever we’d had never quite crossed the line into friendship. I had known he was going to leave me behind as soon as he was compromised. I had known he was going to throw me to the wolves. It hadn’t been a surprise.

           _I’m such an idiot._

It seemed like it was getting hotter by the second. My mouth was dry and I wished I’d brought some water. Not that they would have let me keep it. Or else Hakkai would have taken it when he left me here. Banri used to do shit like that.

           _Hakkai isn’t like Banri. He’s well-bred and proper and polite and honest. When he *says he’s coming back for me, I should be able to believe it._

Believe it, maybe. But rely on it? Count on it? That was something else. I’d probably never see the bastard again. He’d go back to Chang’an and forget about me. All of them would.

           _I ain’t gonna’ be a fuckin’ slave though. I’ll beat the living shit out of whoever comes through that door next._

_Or they’ll shoot me._

What could I do? What _should_ I do? Sit here waiting like an idiot for a guy who might not come back?

            I finished a couple more cigarettes, and then my lighter went out, just like I’d known it would.

            What a joke.

            The room seemed darker now. How much time had passed?

            Now I was dying of thirst, and I couldn’t even smoke.

            I knew my lighter was low on fluid, but I hadn’t filled it. What was wrong with me? Why was I always so unprepared? Why was I always putting myself in these shitty situations?

           _I can’t even have a goddamn cigarette._

_I gotta’ get out of here._

           _Where’s Hakkai?_

_Screw Hakkai—I gotta’ get out of here now._

            I got up again and looked up at the window, and then I tried jumping for it, falling short every time. I felt along the wall, looking for any kind of grip or handhold or abnormality in the wall that might help me climb up, but there wasn’t so much as a groove. I went so far as to look for a tunnel or a secret passage way, and when that failed, I tried the door again, but the window was my only way out. I stared up at it a while, willing it to move.

          It was still about five feet over my head, that hadn’t changed. I still couldn’t jump that high. _That_ hadn’t changed either. The only thing that had changed was that I was in here, alone.

_Alone. I’m totally alone, and it sucks._

_Story of my fucking life._

_I got left behind, and now I’m alone, and it sucks ass._

_Hakkai might still come back._

_If he was going to, he’d have done it by now. Grow up, Gojyo—he’s probably home packing up his shit right now._

_And I’m here alone._

      What could be worse? Getting kidnapped might have been bearable if there were someone to bitch to about it, but being here alone…

      I looked around the cell and got chills. It was so dark and so quiet and insurmountable. I couldn’t get out, no matter what I did. I couldn’t dig through solid rock with my bare hands. I couldn’t reach the window by myself. When the guards came, they’d shoot me if I tried to run.

     That might be better than being somebody’s slave.

_I can’t start thinking like that yet. Hakkai might come back._

But it had been at least an hour since he’d left, and I couldn’t help feeling like he should have been back by now.

_Maybe he went to get back up._

_Maybe he’s dead. Maybe he went out there and they shot him on sight._

_Maybe he ran for the woods and he’s never coming back._

With a moan, I slumped over onto my side. Why did I ever trust that guy? I hadn’t even known him a whole year. There was a lot about him that I didn’t know, and now I never would.

_Because I’m a stupid, over-eager cunt who’s all too willing to put my faith in anybody who acts like we’re friends._

Pathetic.

Still, there was something else: a small seed of thought that grew a little when I let it.

            _He came last time. He knew I was in trouble, he knew there was going to be danger, but he still came, even though I told him not to get involved._

I knew better than to think he might do that again.

            “I’m fucked. I’m so fucked.”

            Not yet. I needed to give it a little more time.

            How much time though? A couple hours? All night? One whole day? When was I supposed to tell myself ‘he’s never coming back’ and give up on him?

            “Hakkai?”

_Right now._

_*_ _Hakkai_!”

            _I’d better give up on him right now._

At least if I gave up now I wouldn’t torture myself for the next twenty-four hours thinking he might show up. That would be stupid anyway. It would waste my energy, and I needed all my energy and brainpower to find my own way out of this.

            I’d be an idiot to sit here and count on somebody to come to the rescue.

            Because it all started with Jien. Jien was my brother—someone who should have been there for me, no matter what—and he’d abandoned me like it was nothing, and now I’d be stupid to think anyone else would do any different. Especially a guy I’d just met.

            Besides, I drove Hakkai crazy. I was always trashing the house and making a mess, waking him up at night when I came home drunk, worrying him, badgering him, saying dumb shit I knew would piss him off. Like ‘you’re a mass murderer, right?’ What a dumb thing to say. No wonder he’d left me behind.

            I’d leave me behind too.

            Who wouldn’t? There was a reason everyone else had before.

            _Fuck them. I don’t need any of them. Hakkai can fuck himself—I’ll get myself out of this._

And then go back to being all alone, all the time.

            _Shit._

            I clenched my fists. I couldn’t help it. I felt a weird pain somewhere, deep inside my chest, and a void in my heart. Alone again. Always alone. Destined to be alone. That was my curse. Time to own up and take it like a man. Time to face that loneliness was the only thing I’d ever get to have. Loneliness and women who wouldn’t remember my name in the morning. That’s what I deserved. That’s what I was used to. I’d be totally spoiled to think anything else could happen.

            And yet…

            I threw my head back and screamed just as loud as I could, so even if he was on the other side of the world by now, he’d hear me and have to remember that he’d left me behind, and that I was alone.

            “HAKKAI!”

            The door swung open. It scared the shit out of me, and I sat up with a jolt.

            “Why are you screaming in here?”

            He was just standing there, like nothing was wrong, like he’d been gone a couple minutes, looking calm and composed as ever.

            I stared at him, unable to speak.

            “Gojyo? Are you all right?”

            For the first time, I realized how hard I was breathing, and then it struck me just how scared I must look. Not because I thought I was going to die or because I was afraid to live the rest of my life as someone else’s slave. Nothing like that at all. In actuality, I didn’t have any *reason to look so goddamn scared, and there was so little in this world that _could_ scare me in the first place…

            “Gojyo.” Hakkai knelt beside me and touched my shoulder. I’d never been so grateful for physical contact in my whole life. It made me want to fling my arms around him and hug the shit out of him, but that would be totally gay and weird.

            Instead, I pushed the hair out of my eyes. “Uh, sorry…I was just…spacing out. I guess.”

            “What were you screaming about?”

            “I wasn’t screaming.”

            “I heard you all the way down the hall.”

            Embarrassed, I looked away.

            Hakkai waited a while, and then stood up. “Don’t you want to go home? I could leave you here if you like.”

            I jumped up. “Hell no. I ain’t staying here. Let’s scram. Hey, what’s the situation anyway? How’d you get the key?”

            “It was easier than I thought.”

            I didn’t ask. I didn’t have to. The building was suspiciously quiet as we walked back the way we came. I didn’t see a single living soul lurking in the shadows, and when we stepped outside, I understood why.

            The compound was littered with bodies. Some were bleeding, others looked as if they had just fallen asleep there, but I didn’t see anyone running around with a gun, and I knew without asking that he’d gotten all of them.

            “I didn’t hear any gunshots.”

            Hakkai didn’t look at me, and there was a slight hint of shame on his face. “Well, most of them didn’t get an opportunity to use their gun…”

            I thought about the Hakkai I’d seen the night Banri betrayed me, the way he’d moved and acted, how different he was without his limiter. How violent and dangerous. Of course they didn’t get a chance to use their guns. They probably never saw him coming.

            Just like the people in Hyakugan Moah’s castle. Minding their own business one moment, brutally murdered the next. Hakkai was silent death,

            This mild-mannered, smiling know-it-all next to me. Silent death. I almost couldn’t comprehend it.

            “Did you have to take your earring off?” I asked on our way out of camp.

          “I told you I don’t like to resort to that. That thing’s not _me_ , Gojyo.”

            I didn’t get it. Being half human, I’d probably never get it.

            One thing I did get though, and that was that he’d done all this with his limiter still on.

            I couldn’t help gaping at him. Just how strong was this guy?

           _Strong enough to kill a thousand youkai_.

            I noticed the gang leader lying face down off to the side, and it looked like Hakkai had roughed him up quite a bit. There were bloody patches in the dirt around the body.

            “Whew. What’d he do to deserve _that_?”

            Hakkai kept walking steadily, “I thought he deserved some pay back for being rude to you is all, though, I suppose I might have overdone it.”

            “Damn. I’m gonna be polite from now on.”

            “Please do. That would be very nice of you.”

            I lingered back to watch him a moment. This morning, I’d thought I understood everything there was to know about Hakkai, and now suddenly, I felt like I knew more about him than ever before. And still I didn’t quite get him.

            “Sanzo should be pleased, I think. We went above and beyond the call of duty wiping out this slave ring. I highly recommend you pay attention at the briefings from now on, though; I had no idea you didn’t realize they were slave traders. I assumed something like this might happen, and it would have been nice if you were expecting it too.”

            “You knew they were going to try to capture us? That would have been nice to know *ahead of time. Didn’t Sanzo tell us _that_? I feel like I would have remembered something that important.”

            “I suppose Sanzo thought it was obvious. After all, we’re two perfectly healthy young men.”

          “Well, _you_ could have said somethin’, Hakkai.”

            He laughed lightly, “Yes, that’s true. I have no excuse for that, other than I wasn’t sure you would come if you knew, and I couldn’t do this without you.”

            “As if. You left me to rot in that cell the whole time.”

          “Yes, and I noticed you didn’t find a way to escape. I don’t think I’m _that_ much smarter than you are.”

            “Man, you’re unbelievable.” And then I snorted, “For the record, I still woulda’ come.”

            To that, he just smiled.

            We walked a ways in silence until the gang camp was completely out of sight behind us, and then Hakkai said, “I apologize for leaving you there, Gojyo. I didn’t realize it would upset you that much.”

            I debated a second about how I should respond, almost told him I hadn’t been upset, but he didn’t give me the opportunity to speak.

            “You were screaming, weren’t you? Were you really that afraid?”

            “No. I just…” I ran my hand back through my hair, swore under my breath, and admitted, “I just really hate to be alone. It sucks.”

            Hakkai gave me an odd look. “That explains quite a bit.”

            “Yeah. Well. Anyway. It’s no big deal.”

            “Gojyo.” He stopped. “You didn’t think I was going to leave you there, did you.”

            I stopped cold too.

            Damn. He had to go and hit it right on the head. How did he even do that?

            “I’m not Banri, you know.”

            Banri was the worst, always leaving me whenever he felt like it. I suddenly hated that he was my example for how other people were expected to act, because that was really scraping at the bottom of the barrel. On the other hand, he was the only person who'd ever come close to being a real friend to me before I met Hakkai.

            “Yeah, of course not.”

            He came and stood beside me, and I could practically feel him searching my face, like he’d find the truth there somewhere. But it wasn’t that simple. I wasn’t a book just anybody could pick up and read. I didn’t need everybody knowing my business.

            “I guess I’m just used to getting left behind.” I blurted out.

            “I’m sorry to hear that.”

            I shrugged. “It’s not your problem.”

            “That’s debatable, but more importantly, I would never leave you behind in such a selfish manner. And I certainly didn’t leave you there because I wanted to.”

            “Yeah.” I shrugged again. “It’s no big deal, Hakkai. Just forget about it.”

            “Gojyo.” He put his hand on my shoulder, compelling me to look him in the eye at last. “I’m never going to leave you the way Banri did. Do you believe me?”

            “I—”

            I shouldn’t have. People were always saying things they didn’t really mean—I’d learned a long time ago not to trust what just anyone said—but for some reason that didn’t feel like it fit here. For some reason, not one of the cynical, bitter life lessons I’d learned seemed to fit with Hakkai. I felt like I could actually trust him, and I wasn’t sure why.

            And that’s when I remembered something else about that day. When Hakkai took off his limiter and fought all those guys and even killed some of them, when he hung up his promise of peace and turned his back on what he thought he should do, he’d done it all for me. He’d gone out of his way to do all those things, and it wasn’t for himself or to get something from someone else, it had just been to save me.

            No one else I’d met ever since Jien left had done anything like that for me—Hakkai stood apart from them all—so maybe that was why the bullshit lessons I’d learned from the rest of this asshole world didn’t apply to him. He wasn’t like anyone else I’d ever met.

            I guess that was enough for me to at least think about giving him the benefit of the doubt. After all, there were no guarantees, but I’d long since given up on looking for guarantees, so there was always the chance that he was lying or that he wanted something or that some day he was just going to turn his back on me for some reason, but that wasn’t what I’d seen today, and as much as it scared me, I had to accept that maybe now, just this once, I had met someone who I could honestly trust. Even more than that. Hakkai might be someone I could actually count on to come back for me and to bail me out if I needed him to.

            That was a new feeling, and it was freaky, but…hell, I kind of liked it. It was a helluva lot better than being alone.

            In the end, only time would tell for sure. For now though…

            “Yeah.” I grinned at him, “I guess so.”


	3. Mission Three--Orphans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two grown-up orphans try to help a homeless boy and inadvertently put him in danger.

**Gojyo**

It was cold, and I was tired with a dull kind of drowsiness I couldn’t quite shake even with the winter chill biting at my neck, and the worst part was we weren’t going to get home until late tonight. It had been a long enough day already, and I just wanted to fall face first onto my bed and sleep.

For now at least, we’d come to a town. It was smaller than where we lived and kind of outdated, like everything was ten years behind. Bathed in the red-orange light of the sunset, it looked really peaceful, and the streets were mostly empty, with the curtains drawn in every building we passed. I watched the shopkeepers closing up for the night, and the last of the school kids straggling home. It seemed like the crunch of my boots in the snow was the only sound in the world.

If nothing else, it looked like a good place to meet a sexy, girl next door type babe.

“We should rent a room here,” I suggested, half-heartedly. I knew he wouldn’t go for that.  


Hakkai smiled. “That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Unfortunately, we don’t exactly have the money for that, and the rates in these small towns tend to run rather high.”  


Mr. Practical, like always. I kicked my way through a pile of snow. “Damn. I’m tired.”  


“It won’t take that much longer to get home,” he said dismissively. “You’ll survive.”  


“It’s a whole other four hours to home, Hakkai.”  


“Three and a half,” he corrected.  


“We should crash at the temple. It’s Sanzo’s fault for sending us out here in the first place.” He was really going to town, finding things for us to do all the time. The first couple of times, I’d thought, would be the end of it, but there was no longer any sign that he didn’t intend to just run us into the ground, chasing all over the countryside after his bullshit errands. “Can’t he do anything for himself?”  


“Please try to be patient, Gojyo. Just enjoy the trip,” he suggested, gesturing to the sleepy town around us. “After all, the scenery’s pretty, isn’t it?”  


A girl with caramel-colored hair passed us, going the other way. She looked seventeen or eighteen, with curling, velvet eyelashes, and a little handbasket hooked over one elbow. I could tell from the innocent expression on her fact she was the type of girl next door chick whose father would shoot me if he found me in her room. “Very pretty,” I agreed, following her with my gaze. Her ass was made for the big city.  


“And please don’t leer at teenage girls, if you can help it.”  


I glared at him, mildly, but he continued to face straight ahead. “Hey, I’m still a teenager. Technically, you are too.”  
That was weird to think about. Hakkai had always acted way too mature and responsible for a teenager. For me, maturity was a distant dream.  


“Not for too much longer,” he laughed.  


“Yeah, so we gotta get away with as much as we can before shit gets real.”  


“Ah. Well, suit yourself, but if you find yourself in need of an alibi, I intend to claim not to know you.”  


“That’s my roomie,” I rammed him lightly with my shoulder. “Always looking out for me.”  


Hakkai laughed again in a breath of steam, but I wondered if he knew I was only half-kidding. I couldn’t count how many times he’d had to help me find my own bed after I stumbled home drunk at five in the morning, and I’d gained almost twenty pounds in the last nine months, thanks to his home cooked meals. He was always breaking up bar fights to keep me out of trouble, and then turning around, shaking his head and saying, “I warned you.”  


But it wasn’t the awkward thing it had been in the beginning. In fact, I was getting used to having him say things like that, and I was starting to like the feeling of having someone at my back. I was even starting to believe that he wouldn’t leave me out of nowhere. We would always be opposites, I guessed—none of my delinquent behavior was rubbing off on him so far—but I was starting to think I might be better off with him around.  


I shoved my tingling-numb hands into the pockets of my jacket, feeling the delicate shape of the relic Sanzo sent us after. “One more job in the bag,” I sighed.  


“Which means grocery shopping tomorrow.”  


“Yeah, for you. Sucker.”  


A group of boys darted across the street in front of us, laughing; a tiny, soot-colored dog chased after them, barking.  


I couldn’t help pausing to watch them. The oldest was about twelve, and it looked like he was having the time of his life, tearing through the snow with his friends on a winter afternoon.  


Hakkai paused too, saying quietly, “I find it refreshing to se children who have something to laugh about.”  
Startled, I turned to him, wondering if he’d somehow taken the thought right out of my head and translated it into keigo. He was smiling, but his eyes were distant. “Let’s hurry,” he suggested.  


“Man, what’s the point?” I jogged after him as he set out again. “We should stop and warm up somewhere—get a beer, maybe.”  


“There’s no time, Gojyo—lest you forget, we have a deadline to meet.”  


“A deadline? Since when?”  


“Sanzo said he wanted the relic by tonight.”  


“I didn’t realize that was a deadline. What’s he gonna do? Take it out of our pay? Let him try.”  


At last, Hakkai’s expression turned deadly serious, “I promised Sanzo we’d have the relic back to him on time.”  


“Yeah. So what?”  


For the first time in a while, I saw him speechless. He even stammered. “I-well… You know… We ought to do our best to adhere to what we agreed upon. It’s a nice change of pace.”  


I frowned at him. “You saying I don’t keep my word?”  


“No, that’s not… It’s just that I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you do something you said you’d do.”  


It was a slap in the face. “Bullshit, Hakkai! When’s the last time I even told you I’d do anything?”  


“Three days ago, you promised to clean the kitchen, seeing how you trashed it while intoxicated. To my knowledge, you haven’t as much as swept up a crumb.”  


“Oh, okay.” I rolled my eyes. “One thing.”  


“Also, you assured me you were going to make an honest effort to stop using beer cans as ashtrays.”  


“Yeah, well I don’t get why that bothers you in the first place.”  


“Come to think of it, you also told me you weren’t going to come home drunk at five in the morning anymore.” He raised a disapproving look at me, adjusting his glasses. “What time did you come home last night?”  


Wasn’t I just thinking I’d finally gotten used to his nagging?  


“I could go on, of course, but I’ll spare you. The point is, we’re not going to get distracted when we made a commitment to Sanzo.”  


“God, you’re such a control freak.” I lit a cigarette with cold hands, hoping it would warm me up a little.  


Hakkai gave a rude, little laugh. “Oh, nonsense. I enjoy having some structure in my life, that’s all.”  


“C’mon. You gotta have your nose in every little thing.”  


“Gojyo,” he sounded almost pissed off now. Maybe I’d better watch my step if I didn’t want to start a fight. “I am not a control freak.”  


“You oughta get the swastika branded on your forehead,” I blurted out without thinking. So much for watching it or not starting a fight.  


Outrage shaded his face. “I’m sure that to an utter slob like yourself a bit of cleanliness does look like totalitarianism. Forgive my intolerance.”  


Man, I didn’t want to get into all that. “Hakkai…”  


“While you’re at it, would you mind very much excusing me for wanting to live in a semi-habitable environment?”  


“Hakkai.”  


“Most of all, pardon me very much for sitting up at four in the morning, wondering where in the world my inconsiderately negligent roommate could possibly be, and what might have happened to him.”  


“Hakkai! Chill.”  


He glared at me, but not the half-playful look I was used to. This was dark and unforgiving anger. If I had to pick one word to describe it, I’d say…terrifying. Just terrifying. It seriously made me want to run away.  


It was more than enough to stop me in my tracks, and I put my hands up in a gesture of surrender. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t mean it. I’m just tired.” I tried to smile and toss in a joke for good measure. “That’s what happens when you come home at five.”  


No good. He didn’t like the joke, and worse yet, the scary look didn’t lift.  


What could I do? What if his face stayed that way forever now. I swallowed hard, saying a little more quietly, “Damn, dude, fix your face. You’re freaking me out here.”  


He just snorted.  


“You’re right—no beer—we gotta get back to Sanzo. I wouldn’t wanna…compromise your honor.”  


At last, his eyes lightened a little. “I’m glad to hear that, Gojyo. You might have a shot at becoming a well-adjusted adult before you turn twenty next week.” He started walking again.  


Mystified that he was giving up as suddenly as he’d lost his temper, I followed. “Um. You know when my birthday is?”  


He glanced over his shoulder at me, and thank God his face was back to normal. “Of course.”  


“How?”  


“You told me.”  


“And you remembered?”  


I swear he rolled his eyes, even though that wasn’t like him, but he didn’t have anything to say.  


As we kept walking, I tried really hard to remember when his might be. March? Was he a Pisces? That didn’t seem right. It shouldn’t matter if I knew or not—we weren’t dating—but still… He knew mine.  


For all I knew, he’d never told me his and I was thinking about it for no reason, trying to dredge up information I didn’t have.  


“Don’t worry about it,” he said, like he’d read my mind. “I don’t expect you to remember when mine is.”  


“Oh… Yeah, I don’t think you ever told me.”  


“Mm, I did.”  


But he didn’t expect me to remember. Not his inconsiderately negligent, irresponsible, immature roommate. Maybe I should just be grateful to get off the hook.  


Shouting drifted from across the street, and I paused again on the corner. It sounded like kids chanting, “fight, fight, fight,” mixed in with mean laughter.  


A circle of boys had clustered around a streetlight, cheering and pumping their fists in the air. At the center of their circle, a couple teenagers around fifteen or sixteen were picking on this scrawny, little guy who looked barely ten. One had him in a choke hold while the other busted him in the gut over and over, and blood gushed down his face.  


Initial instinct said, “boys will be boys, just move on,” but there was something else. A hideous memory trapped behind layers of suppression and heavy drinking fought for the surface, and a thought drifted through my mind. It had faded with time, but I could almost get a grasp on it.  


_What if somebody…_  


“Gojyo?”  


I blinked, recalled to reality, and then, barely thinking about it, I threw my cigarette down, stepped off the sidewalk, and crossed the street, shoving my way into the group of kids, making my way to the teenagers. By that time, the little guy was on the ground, shielding his head and begging while they kicked him.  


All I could see was a beat up, red-headed kid, not screaming or begging. Fighting. Cursing. Looking everywhere, wondering…  
_What if somebody had…_  


The memory was too elusive. I didn’t understand it the way I used to. And at the same time, I totally got it.  
The first teenager saw me coming, and while his friend was kicking the shit out of the little guy, he got in my face, sneering and trying to act tough. I just saw a piece of shit punk with a bad haircut. I threw him against the wall like a bag of flower. He hit hard, crumpling to the ground, gasping for breath.  


All the others groaned in disappointment.  


His buddy started to turn. “Hey, jackass—”  


I knocked him down too and stood over them. I only then realized how angry I was. I felt furious. Out of control with rage, like I could gut somebody and smile about it. These kids… These fucking kids didn’t deserve to get away with it.  


The first kid got up, rubbing his arm. “You’re dead!”  


He flew at me.  


I punched him in the face like he was moving in slow motion. His nose exploded under my fist. Blood splattered over my shirt. He fell down, crying and holding his face.  


The rest of them were starting to scream and scatter.  
I kicked the second kid under the chin before he could get to his feet. I felt like curb-stomping the bastard. I wanted to—  


“Gojyo!” Hakkai seized my arm out of nowhere, jerking me back from my trance.  


I blinked at him.  


Most of the kids were running away, breaking into smaller packs like dogs. The teenager with the busted nose scrambled away on his hands and knees, leaving bright drops of red on the snow.  


Hakkai tried to help the other kid up. He was missing a couple teeth, and blood streamed down his chin. He shoved my roommate away and ran like the rest of the brats.  
For a moment, we were silent again, and then Hakkai turned on me. “What in the world is wrong with you? What would possess you to attack two—”  


“They were pickin’ on the little dude,” I mumbled, but by then I knew it wasn’t a good excuse to trash some teenagers. I was a teenager too, for another week, but I had heads on them, and way, way more muscle.  


“Yes, I saw that. But it’s no reason to think you can simply beat them up. This is precisely what I’m talking about with you—you’re going to be twenty in just a few days, and are you honestly going to continue to act this way? It’s juvenile to start a fist fight with someone you don’t know for something that had absolutely nothing to do with you, and I for one don’t think—”  


“Would’ja quick lecturing me?” I barked. “What was I supposed to do? Let them get away with it?”  


His eyes widened as he stared at me, and then he asked softly, “Are you all right?”  


“I asked you a question there, _roomie._ What, you’ll lecture me, but you won’t listen?”  


His expression darkened again, this time with confusion. “Of course I’ll listen. I didn’t say you shouldn’t have stepped in, only that it was unnecessary to resort to violence, and if you think for a moment, I’m sure you’ll realize I’m right.”  


“I didn’t see you doing anything about it, Hakkai.”  
He shook his head. “If I may offer some advice, _roomie_ , you should try to calm down. You’re picking a fight with the wrong person.”  


“Why, ‘cause you can kick my ass?” I scoffed.  


“He answered quietly, “Because I’m on your side, Gojyo.” With that, he knelt next to the kid huddled on the ground. The little guy was shuddering, still protecting his head, and mud and snow dusted his threadbare jacket. Hakkai laid a hand on his shoulder. “It’s all right now. They’re gone.”  


The little kid slowly looked up at us, face streaked with blood, snot, and tears. His brown hair was the same color as Goku’s, but it was greasy and matted.  


“You’re not hurt, are you?” Hakkai helped him up, brushing off the front of his jacket. His clothes looked worn, faded jeans and shoes holey, and his shirt was ragged and stained. Despite it all, he had a cute face, and I knew he’d be a ladies man someday if he played his cards right.  


Staring at him felt too much like looking in a mirror, and I had to focus on the street around us. It was empty, and I didn’t see any other adults. The streetlights were coming on.  


The kid swiped his nose with the back of his hand. “I’m fine.”  


“Here.” Hakkai produced a clean rag from his coat, probably something he’d brought in case one of us needed a tourniquet. “For your nose.”  


Embarrassed, the kid took it and mopped the blood off his face. “Thanks.”  


“Why were they picking on you?” I demanded, still choked by my outrage.  


He shrugged. “I’m on their turf. I…didn’t do anything to them…” He lowered his head.  


A shockwave of emotional pain blazed through me. I knew too well what that was like, being the odd one out, the one who didn’t belong, the one who always had to be punished for everything, even when it wasn’t his fault.  


“So go home,” I growled, trying to sound like it didn’t matter.  


“It’s almost dinner time,” Hakkai added, but carefully. “Your parents must be worried.”  


The kid hesitated and then shook his head. “I don’t got parents. I’ma orphan.”  


_Orphan._ The word hit me like a brick to the head, and I saw the old images clearer than ever, of running on the streets, looking for a safe place to go, getting my hair yanked, being laughed at, having to fight guys twice my size, too proud to back down. I remembered going home to mom, the way she looked at me, like I was a rodent. Even Jien had said it at least once, when we were super young: _you’re an orphan, dummy. You don’t have parents._  


Mean-ass shit for a kid to say when he was talking out his ass. Even though he didn’t mean it, it stuck with me.  


Anxiously, I lit another cigarette. I had to calm down, or Hakkai would notice how weird I was acting. He was such a nag…  


For now, he was just focusing on the little guy. “Who looks after you? You must have some sort of guardian.”  


“No,” the kid husked, “not really.”  


“Yes, but it’s not safe to wander the streets alone.”  


_That’s what orphans do, Hakkai_ , I thought, bitterly.  


“I ain’t scared,” the kid said, throwing out his chest, eyes gleaming with some defiance.  


“No, of course not. It’s just that…” Hakkai’s voice trailed away, and I noticed a bothered look taking over his face.  


“Hey!” I pounded his back suddenly. “Let’s take him home with us.”  


“Please be serious, Gojyo,” he murmured distractedly. “This is no joke.”  


“I am serious. We could look out for him.”  


My roommate arched a skeptical eyebrow at me. “I sincerely doubt you are in any way suited to providing for a child.”  


The words stung a little. He wasn’t wrong—I knew he was right—but he was so convinced I was a screw up, like I’d never be good enough to take care of anybody. I could if I really wanted to.  


_“You are.”_  


“I think I already have one too many wayward juveniles to keep an eye on.”  


“So what? You wanna leave him on the streets, Hakkai?”  
He looked blankly at me. He knew saying yes would make him look like a total asshole. It was kinda nice seeing him unsure for once.  


“Um, you don’t have to worry about me,” the kid said when Hakkai and I had been staring at each other for several moments. “My uncle lives nearby.”  


“Oh.” I looked down at him. “Why didn’t you say you had an uncle? You ain’t livin on the streets, you little poser.”  


“I do live on the streets,” the kid corrected impatiently. “I’ve never met my uncle face to face; I found out where he lives, and I’m going to meet him.”  


Hakkai and I exchanged another look, and I could see he was agonizing over what to do. “You know for a fact where he lives?” he wondered.  


Was that a touch of concern in his tone? I should know when Hakkai was concerned better than anyone.  


The kid nodded.  


“Hell.” I tossed my finished cigarette, immediately starting another. “Let’s go then.”  


“Hold on just a moment,” Hakkai cut in. “It…doesn’t have anything to do with us.”  


I’d almost forgotten how worried he was about the freakin deadline. What a tight ass. “No, but what if he gets there and his uncle’s not around? What’s he supposed to do?”  


“I’m sure I have no idea what he should do, but we don’t have time—”  


“It’s okay,” the kid announced, picking up a grungy backpack from nearby. “Uncle Fu’s house isn’t far. I’ll be fine.” He gave a small wave. “Thanks for helping me.”  


With that, he crunched off in the snow, small and vulnerable. It wasn’t an image I liked to see, and I almost ran after him, Hakkai and the deadline be damned. Instead, I turned to my roommate, and he was already looking back at me.  


For what felt like forever, we had a staring contest. I watched the way he frowned, and I thought he’d have to be seriously heartless to say it was okay to let the kid go like that just to save ourselves half an hour.  


“C’mon, ‘Kai,” I hissed. “How long can it take?”  
“Gojyo, I’m just being sensible.”  


“Dude, you’re being a total asshole.”  


“Well, I don’t expect you to know the difference.”  


“Don’t start that again.”  


“I can’t understand why it means anything to you in the first place. Hundreds of children live that way, and you randomly choose one to feel sympathy towards? I thought you were tired and wanted to go home.”  


I shrugged. “Think what you want. I’m gonna help him.” I started after the kid, hurrying to catch up.  


Hakkai gave a sigh and trotted up next to me. “You’re strange, Gojyo. After all this time, I can’t quite make sense of you.”  


“What’s weird about helping a homeless kid?” I demanded. “Not enough people do it.”  


It shut him up a second, and then he muttered, “We’re not going in and sitting down to sip tea and shoot the breeze. As nice as that sounds, we simply don’t have time for those sorts of pleasantries.”  


Grinning, I looped my arm around his neck. “Somebody doesn’t have time for any pleasantries today. What’s up with you anyway?”  


“I’m tired and I want to go home.”  


Was that supposed to be a joke?  


It didn’t take much time to catch up with the kid. I yelled at him until he looked back, and then we all walked together.  


“So, where’s your uncle live?” Hopefully it was just around the corner. Still, on the off chance Uncle Fu was some perverted psycho, it would be good for the little guy to have back up.  


“Nearby, I hope,” Hakkai mumbled.  


“There’s a small village north of here,” the kid told us. “The lady at the market said sometimes people from there come here to buy groceries.”  


“An entirely different town?” Hakkai demanded, and just like that the angry look was on me again.  


“Uh-huh. The lady told me she’s met my uncle. Sometimes he comes here to shop—that’s why I was here. Hoping to run into him. But I dunno what he looks like.”  


I was barely listening. Hakkai’s glare was freaking me out.  


“Gojyo,” he said sharply.  


“Hey, I had no idea,” I said quickly.  


He shook his head. “Well, just how far away is this other village.”  


“Dunno.” The kid shrugged. “Coupla miles.”  


“A couple miles out of our way.”  


“Nobody asked you guys to come.”  


Before Hakkai could answer, I said, “I made a commitment, and when Gojyo makes a commitment, he sticks to it.”  


“I find that extremely difficult to believe,” Hakkai growled.  


I waved him off. “So go home without me.”  


He sighed, but didn’t leave.  


Seriously, I didn’t get the guy. Everything he thought, said, and did was just weird to me, and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what his motives were. Sanzo’s relic couldn’t be that important to him.  


Banri’s motives had always been simple. He was an easy guy to understand, because he was in the business of taking care of himself, even at the expense of others, and he’d taught me everything he knew about surviving on the streets. I’d known him well enough that nothing he did ever surprised me, and in a way I missed that simplicity. I missed knowing what the guy next to me was thinking and why, even if he had nasty motives.  


Hakkai was way more complex. I got that we had an obligation to Sanzo, but if that was really his chief concern why didn’t he take the relic off my hands and head to Keiun? I couldn’t see how what he was doing was just looking out for himself—Sanzo wasn’t going to do anything if we were late—but if he wasn’t looking out for himself, who was he looking out for? He didn’t seem to care about the kid getting home.  


We walked a long ways, and I felt my energy dwindling. Hakkai was seriously pissed the whole way, so I listened hard to the babbling of the kid. The sky turned dark, and before long the moon came out, turning the frosty landscape blindingly bright. It was sort of fun though, tramping through the forest on a snowy night. I tried teasing Hakkai to get him to lighten up, but he was set on being pissed.  


“Don’t be such a bummer,” I advised.  


“I don’t think you quite understand, Gojyo,” he returned, stonily.  


“Yeah, yeah, you wanna get the relic to Sanzo on time—I get that. But he knows I’m with you, so he’s gotta be expecting something to go wrong.”  


I thought for sure he’d have a field day with that, but he only shook his head, not even remarking on how irresponsible I was acting.  


I ignored him and played with the kid instead, showing him a few moves he could use the next time some asshole tried to beat him up. He didn’t seem interested in fighting, but I could tell he thought I was cool.  


After I ran out of things to say to him, I hung back to walk with Hakkai again. “Are you really that mad at me?”  


“No.” He sounded surprised. “I’m just a bit uneasy.”  


“About walking the kid home? If it bothers you that much, you can go on without me. I don’t mind.”  


“As I said, you clearly don’t understand…” He shook his head, and then said, “Listen, we spent a lot of time picking up that relic today.”  


“I know. It took all freakin day for that monk to meet us.”  


“Yes, and he said it was fortunate he’d gotten out at all, which implies that someone rather dangerous has interest in the relic. I was certain we’d run into trouble before we reach home.”  


“We haven’t though.” I glanced around the quiet woods.  


“Yes, which means we’re overdue for trouble, and this is prolonging the process.”  


I stared at him, and then took another, more careful look around, but nothing was out of place. “Wait. You mean you think we’re in trouble _now?_ ”  


Hakkai jerked his head slightly. “I think they followed us from the village.”  


My mouth fell open, and I twisted around to stare back down the path, hissing, “Shit, Hakkai, why didn’t you say something?”  


“You didn’t seem interested in listening to me, and I didn’t want to draw attention.”  


“I told you to go home.”  


“You have the relic.”  


“You coulda taken it!”  


“Lower your voice,” he warned. “If they’d seen it change hands they would have known which one of us is carrying it, and they would have followed me home.”  


“Yeah, but you can kick their asses.”  


“I’m flattered you think so, but I’d just as soon avoid violence, particularly when I don’t know who I’m up against.”  


It shouldn’t matter. The way he’d torn up Banri’s business associates when he removed his limiter made me think there wasn’t anyone out there who could challenge him. He was just being too cautious, and I had to admit it annoyed me.  


“In any case,” he added, “I didn’t think it would be prudent to go home without you.”  


“Like I can protect you,” I scoffed.  


Hakkai’s expression turned from cold frustration to something a little more genuine, like he wanted to apologize for something. “Maybe not, but I—”  


Up ahead, the kid called out, “Hey, you guys! We’re almost there!”  


I watched him dash into the distance, to where I just made out the glow of a distant town, and then he was out of sight. “We could just go back now. He’s pretty close…”  


“It hardly matters now,” Hakkai murmured. “We may as well see this through to the end.”  


I studied him, not understanding what he wanted or even what he was thinking. Was he just trying to be frustrating now because he was mad?  


Just as I opened my mouth to demand an explanation for the way he’d been acting, a piercing scream cut through the night. It sounded like the kid, and it was coming from just around the bend. In a split second, it was stifled.  


We sprang forward at the same time, racing up the trail. I slipped in a patch of snow and almost fell, but managed to keep running, and we rounded the trail together, stopping hard and kicking up snow.  


Five men stood in our way, laughing and sneering. A chunky guy held the kid under one arm, his free hand pressed over his mouth, and in the moonlight I caught a glimpse of a sharp smile.  


Feeling sick, I watched the little guy kick and struggle.  


“You let your guard down at last,” the tubby man taunted. “It only took you all day. I’m not surprised though. Your Genjyo Sanzo’s specialists, aren’t you?”  


I didn’t think I’d been on guard at all today, just cold and tired. I hadn’t even realized we might run into trouble.  


“Then you know us,” Hakkai said politely, like this fucker wasn’t holding the kid hostage. “Who, may I ask, are you?”  


“Don’t gimme that crap—you know damn well enough who I am and what I want.”  


I shot a look at my roommate. “Well? Do we know who he is and what he wants?”  


“According to Sanzo,” he whispered, “a renegade priest was in charge of that relic for a time and recently began using its powers for wrong doing. I suppose it must be him.”  


“Hey!” Fat Boy snapped. His friends were drawing closer. “Don’t ignore me! You’ve got something of mine, and I want it back!”  


“Put the kid down,” I ordered. It was really the only thing I cared about at this point, and if that asshole hurt the kid over the stupid relic in my pocket, things were gonna get rough.  


He gave a loud laugh. “Why not make a trade? The relic for the rug rat.”  


“Fuck you…” I touched the relic in my pocket, wondering if I should give it to him.  


“Sanzo would kill you,” Hakkai reminded me.  


What was I supposed to do though? Let him hurt the kid?  


I heard the chilling sound of steel on steel as a knife was drawn, and Fat Ass rumbled, “Oh, don’t fuck with me, kid. I will slit this brat’s throat right in front of your eyes.”  


My heart hammered at the words. It was bad enough that I’d gotten the kid into this dangerous situation, but if he died because of me… Damn. I should have known better than to get involved in his problems.  


I clenched my fists, thinking wildly of what I should do.  


Fury shuddered through me again, filling me to my core, and I couldn’t help snarling, “You touch one hair on that kid’s head, and you’ll die, dick weed.”  


He just laughed at me. “You’re a tough talker, but something tells me you’re just a whiny bitch.”  


I looked at Hakkai again, hoping he knew what to do, but he was stiff and alert. Was getting the relic back to Sanzo really so important that he would sacrifice a kid’s life? If I tossed it over, would he forgive me? He’s said he was on my side, but everybody had their line.  


Fat Boy called me a few more choice words, and the kid screamed and started crying. I watched the sparkling edge of the blade press against his white neck, and the anger in me roared. Meanwhile, the other four were closing in—they’d take it if I didn’t give it to them.  


For all I knew, I was about to lose the relic _and_ watch a little boy die.  


My ally was just a statue.  


Jerkily, I yanked the relic out of my pocket, holding it up. It was just a tiny crystal, perfectly round, dangling from a fine chain. “This what you want?” I grated out.  


All five of them strained forward. I watched closely. His grip on the kid loosened slightly. The knife lowered a quarter of an inch.  


Grinning like a winner, I snarled, “Fetch. Bitch.”  


With a flick of my wrist, I tossed the thing, not caring where it landed.  


Fatty shrieked in horror. His guys almost fell over each other, scrambling after the relic. They’d never find it in the snow.  


Beside me, Hakkai looked like he was about to have a convulsion. I thought for sure he’d run after it, screaming. Instead, he dove forward.  


I sprang at the fat guy.  


“You dumb ass!” Fatty boomed, raising the knife to slit the kid’s throat.  


The little guy squealed.  


Hakkai hit the guy with a perfect knee to the face.  


I dropped and kicked his legs out from under him and leapt back up.  


Hakkai snagged his knife arm before he touched the ground and wrenched it out of its socket.  


I swept the kid up, throwing him over my shoulder, and felt his scrawny arms wind around my neck.  


Fat Ass hit the ground with cry of pain, and the other four rushed at us, drawing their own weapons.  


Hakkai darted forward, and I followed right after him.  


Damn, it was too easy. They were just normal humans, and taking them apart one after another was nothing. I’d always been tough enough to beat nearly anybody who crossed me—since I’d been an adult anyway—but with Hakkai on my side, it seemed like we were unstoppable.  


Guy number one trotted right up and took a bold swing at my face. I sucker punched this shit out of him and stepped over him.  


Guy number two thought he’d have more luck with Hakkai and did his best to roundhouse kick him. It was a sloppy move, and Hakkai had him on his back so fast I didn’t even see what he did to put him there.  


We tag-teamed the next fuckwad. I jumped up and kicked him square in the nose with the sole of my boot, and Hakkai darted behind him, grabbed the hood of his coat and swung him around, slinging him a good hundred feet right into the base of a tree. Hell, I think he could have sent him to the moon if he wanted.  


The last guy was still on his hands and knees, digging around for the crystal. We stepped up, shoulder to shoulder, and stood over him.  


He whined and whimpered and carried on about how it wasn’t his idea in the first place and that he was sorry, that he had a wife, some kids, a sick brother—all the typical bullshit you expect.  


Hakkai drop kicked him, and he was out.  
I set the kid down on his back because my arm was getting tired.  


By that time, Fat Fuck Face was up again, groping around for his knife I think, and whimpering from the pain in his arm.  


“Well, well, well,” I goaded as we approached him. “Looks like you never had your guard up in the first place.”  


“You dumbass,” he choked. “You stupid dumbass. Why’d you throw it? What were you thinking?”  


“Hell, I don’t give a shit about that thing. Now say goodnight, pops.”  


One bleeding knuckle later, he was out cold in the snow too, and I was feeling pretty damn good about it all.  


“Hey!” I gave Hakkai a thumbs up and a giant grin. “You were totally bad ass! And we make a great team. We should, I dunno, form a gang, or partner up or something.”  


To my surprise, Hakkai returned the smile, crookedly. “You weren’t so bad yourself. Who taught you how to fight?”  


“Oh, that.” I kicked at the ground, “Nobody. Just… Nobody.”  


He looked back towards where I presumed the crystal might have landed. “Tell me this then. Did you honestly have to throw it?”  


“It was the only thing I could think of.”  


“Ah. I’ll keep that in mind. It might be useful to know you’re going to throw all of our target items over your shoulder at some point in the future.”  


Again, I had no idea if he was kidding with me or not. He didn’t seem as upset as I thought he’d be, and I watched him, thinking that could change.  


But when he looked at me again, he was smiling a little brighter than before. “There’s no hope for it now though. I doubt we’ll ever find it in this snow.”  


“That was the idea.”  


“Well, at any rate, it functioned the way you wanted it to, didn’t it?”  


“That’s really all that matters.” I lit another cigarette and went back to the kid, who was sitting in a daze on the guy’s back. “Hey, you all right, little guy?”  


Nodding, he rubbed his neck, making sure it wasn’t cut, and he looked pale as the snow. “I-I think so.”  


“Hope we didn’t scare ya too bad.” I tousled his hair. He still looked a little bit like Goku to me.  


“Naw. I-I’m okay.”  


“Then how about we get you to your uncle’s place now?”  


For a second, he just gaped at me, caught somewhere between wonder and fear. His voice shuddered. “You…who are you?”  


“Don’t mind us, kiddo. We’re just a coupla punks lookin’ to start a fight.”  


I thought it sounded cool, but Hakkai laughed at me.  


In the end, we got the kid to the right village, and Uncle Fu was there; he seemed like a nice guy—invited us in for tea and everything—and Hakkai said we might as well now that we were going home empty-handed anyway. Stuff was really working out, I thought. Anyway, when I was satisfied that the kid would be safe, we finished our tea and headed for home. We were a good thirty minutes out of town when I realized I hadn’t even known the little guy’s name.  


Oh well. I’d taught him how to throw a right hook, and that was what was important. After all, I knew all too well how it was to be an orphan. I knew about waking up under a pile of cardboard and digging through garbage to find a meal. I knew way too much about scrapping and getting your ass kicked by a gang of losers. Being cold and alone was a familiar feeling. Being helpless and afraid was routine. Hakkai was right about there being hundreds of orphans living on the streets, and our little friend was lucky he’d found somewhere to go. Not everyone did. Some kids wound up with asshole punks named Banri who were just going to ditch their ass someday.  


I decided to let it go though. I had a house and a cool roommate now, and even a normal sense of income. None of that meant I shouldn’t care when I stumbled across a fellow orphan, but at least I could feel like things actually turned out all right for me.  


The thought came back to me again, clearer than ever, _Maybe if somebody would just step in, this wouldn’t be happening to me…_  


How many times had I had that awful thought? How many times had it not mattered because the world was full of assholes, and in the end nobody cared what was happening to the little half-blood kid behind the dumpster?  


I don’t know why I had ever thought I deserved to have somebody step in. Maybe I’d gotten that idea because Jien had always been there to step in. And how many times had I looked up at the night sky and wondered _where the fuck did you go_?  


Quietly, I studied the moon hanging high over our heads, remembering that I still didn’t have the answer to that question.  


Come to think of it, the last time I had a thought even remotely close to that one had been on the night Banri betrayed me. As I sat there, head heavy from taking just another senseless beating, I’d thought it. Not exactly the way I used to when I was twelve, but it was the same kind of idea, just more cynical than it used to be.  


_Jien’s not coming this time—nobody’s gonna step in._  


Just that one time, someone had.  


“’Kai,” I yawned, “think Sanzo’s still gonna pay us?”  


In the shadows, his voice was serene. “No. We aren’t bringing the relic to him, so I believe we failed our mission.”  


“Yeah, but what about all the effort we put into it?”  


“It’s a decent argument, but I doubt he’ll believe much in our efforts when he learns you winged it over your shoulder.”  


“I can never tell when you’re kidding with me.”  


“It isn’t often.”  


Was that a joke?  


“I give up.”  


Hakkai stayed quiet a long time, even when I kept talking it seemed like he had nothing to say, and I started to think he must be mad again. And then, out of nowhere, he blurted out, “I can’t say that Sanzo will agree with me, but if it’s any consolation to you, I didn’t find today to be a complete waste of time.”  


It startled me enough that I couldn’t say much other than, 

“That so?”  


“Indeed. I learned quite a bit.”  


“Guess you learn something new every day.”  


Hakkai laughed, but I knew he wasn’t laughing at my stupid stab at making a joke. It was a weird laugh too. I got the feeling that, just this once, he wasn’t making fun of me. “Hm. How unexpected.”  


Curiously, I looked over at him. “What?”  


I heard the smile in his words, and I could just make out the sparkle in his eyes. “You’re surprisingly good-natured.”  


“What? Who? Me?”  


“I suppose I’ve always known that in a way, it’s just been hard to get a grasp on, if you know what I mean. I never could understand why you went out of your way to save my life that night—was it really nine months ago now?—or why you nearly threw your life away to help Banri, but I think I finally understand. You just…want to help, don’t you Gojyo?”  


His eyes met mine.  


Under that gaze, I felt totally exposed, like he was looking straight through me. It was a weird feeling, but it wasn’t a bad feeling.  


“Please. I was just bored. You think I actually cared whether or not that kid got home safe? Like you said, there’re hundred of kids out there on their own.”  


“It’s not a bad thing, Gojyo. I for one am glad that you of all people stumbled across me that night in the rain. Someone else might have stepped over me and kept going.”  


I watched my feet a while. It had started to snow and the powder I was stepping on was fresh. “Yeah…well…”  


“Do you want to know the real reason I didn’t insist we go home tonight?”  


“Sure.”  


“At first, I honestly believed you must have some selfish reason for doing what you did. I thought you’d want a reward or something if you succeeded in getting him to his uncle’s house. I was…sure of it.”  


“You think I coulda gotten a reward? Shit, I didn’t even think about that!”  


Instead of laughing, Hakkai touched my shoulder, just for a second, like he was reminding me of something. “I apologize for having thought something so…demeaning of you. I can’t say that I approve of the way you live or of how you behave on a daily basis, but I shouldn’t be using that for my criteria when it comes to interpreting what you’re really like.”  


“Hey, I wasn’t having great thoughts about you either. For a while there, I actually thought you might not care if that kid died.”  


“No, no. You might say I have a soft spot for…orphans.”  


Suddenly I remembered that he’d told me that he and his sister had grown up in separate orphanages, way back when we first met. Damn. I hadn’t remembered that any better than I’d remembered when his birthday was supposed to be.  


His hand slipped away, and we kept walking.  


“In any case, I was wrong about you, but the real reason I couldn’t simply walk away was…I felt conflicted. I wanted to help him too, you know. You’re right—not enough people care for the stray children of this world; at the same time though, I knew they were following us, and the relic might be compromised. I even though that if we split up…” He paused again, saying quieter than ever, “I thought something could happen to you.”  


I did a double take of him. “You were worried about me?”  


“Per usual,” he whispered, and I thought he sounded embarrassed. He even added, “I’m sorry.”  


“Nah, man.” I felt like an ass suddenly. “I’m sorry ‘cause I didn’t know what was going on. And in the end…I just got the kid in trouble.”  


“That isn’t true, Gojyo. For one thing, he’ll never forget what you did for him, and thanks to you, I doubt he’ll turn out as cynical and jaded as you and I are.”  


He hesitated to look me in the eyes, and we studied each other a moment. He was right about that. We were two seriously fucked up guys.  


“Hey, ‘Kai?” I crunched forward again. “Do you care…if I ask what happened to your parents?”  


He answered readily, but quietly, “They divorced when I was a child. I lived with my mother until I was five, and then she disappeared. I haven’t seen either of them since.”  


“That sucks.”  


“Yes. In a way. Although, I suppose I can’t honestly claim to be an orphan. They’re both alive somewhere, I presume.”  


“Probably.”  


“Do you care if I inquire as to what happened to yours?”  


I rearranged my cigarette, trying to sound like I'd barely even thought about it, but all I could do was grumble, “Killed themselves.”  


He turned his head to study my face for a while.  


Almost unconsciously, I lowered my own, letting the hair fall over my scars.  


“Hm.” His voice was soft as the falling snow. “I wonder why they did that.”  


I glared at him. “You makin’ fun of me?”  


Hakkai tugged my hair lightly, but his tone was perfectly serious, “No.”  


Maybe I was stupid, but I found some great relief in the fact that he really didn’t understand why my parents would do that—he didn’t think it had anything to do with my being a hanyou, but he must know that I thought that. It was good to have any of that pain I'd never been able to share before validated.  


When a few seconds had passed, he said, reverently almost, “What do you know? It seems we have something in common after all.”  


“Guess that’s why we make a killer team. Fucked up orphans...”  


“Perhaps you’re right.”  


“Hey, Hakkai? Care if I ask you somethin’ else?”  


“Hm?”  


“When the hell is your birthday?”  


He smiled slightly. “In September. You missed it.”  


“Shit. You are older than me.”  


“Don’t act surprised.”  


I felt calm as we made our way home. Hakkai thought I’d accomplished something worthwhile, and even though Sanzo wasn’t going to pay us, I felt like I did do something right for a change. At least I didn’t have to lie awake tonight and wonder whatever happened to that kid and wish I’d stepped in, the same way I’d always wished other people would step in. That was something, wasn’t it? I didn’t have to worry that he was going to wind up with some punk ass dick named Banri, running around, being a degenerate.  


After all, Banri was way simple. He always wanted you to do all the dirty work, because he was lazy. He never wanted to achieve anything fairly, because he was a coward. And when he was through with you—when he couldn’t use you anymore—he stepped on your face as he was running out the door.  


Simple, yeah. Those were the definite fundamentals of Banri, and they were easy as shit to understand. But did I miss Banri?  


Hell no. I’d take Hakkai over Banri any day of the week.


	4. Mission 4 -- Why are You Making that Face?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heading into battle, Gojyo and Hakkai have their first major fight--with each other.

“Is it too much to ask that you occasionally pick up some of your things?” He dumped an armful of jackets and sweatshirts on the couch beside me. “Just _occasionally,_ Gojyo?” 

It was wasn’t like him to sound so irritated over something so little. Most of the time, he went around and picked up whatever shit I dropped with a smile on his face, like it was no big deal, so I glanced up over my magazine at him. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry.” 

I knew it wasn’t satisfying, and from the frown on his face I could tell he wasn’t happy with it at all, but he started gathering together beer cans cluttered at my feet. “Do I honestly have to remind you again not to put your cigarette butts in these empty cans? You have a perfectly good ashtray.” 

“It’s full,” I said, absently flipping the page. 

Hakkai snatched the ashtray up from the table, and a second later slammed it down, emptied and rinsed. He stood over me a moment, like he was expecting something, and then he suddenly stomped away. 

In the kitchen, I heard him clattering dishes as he ran them under the sink, and I wondered if maybe something was wrong. 

We’d been getting along better as we got to know each other, but he was still an intensely complicated guy. Sometimes it was just his past bothering him, especially if it rained, but he usually didn’t take that shit out on me either. Normally, he’d smile and say, “oh, it’s nothing.” Outside, it was a clear, beautiful day, without a cloud in the sky, so I seriously doubted it had anything to do with his normal issues. I hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary for the last couple days, and I didn’t know what to think. 

He called out to me, still in that caustic tone, “I suggest you put a shirt on and prepare to depart.” 

“Depart?” 

“Go. Leave. Set out. What have you.” 

Trying not to let his condescending tone bother me, I called back, “Where’m I going?” 

At that, he sounded more annoyed than ever. “Sanzo wants us to run an errand for him. Or don’t you remember?” 

“I thought that wasn’t until later.” 

“I know how long it takes you to get around to doing something.” 

I did my best to laugh it off. “C’mon, man, it’ll only take a sec to throw a shirt on and—” 

He stuck his head around the corner. “Just do it, Gojyo.” 

Hell, he didn’t even say please. 

At last, I laid my magazine to the side and padded my way into the kitchen, starting a new cigarette. I hung out in the doorway, watching him finish cleaning up the hood of the stove, thinking he might say something else that would give me a clue to what really had him pissed off. 

He worked like I wasn’t there. 

“Hey, man… You okay?” Whatever was wrong, I definitely wanted to get to the heart of it before we went anywhere, and I couldn’t help worrying about him. I wouldn’t call him a loose cannon, but he definitely had a way of letting himself get carried away when I wasn’t expecting it. 

“Of course,” he answered coldly. 

“’Kay. You seem kinda pissed off today.” 

He tossed his rag into the sink and dried his hands on the dishtowel. “No, I’m simply frustrated.” 

“Well, what’s up? Did something happen?” Whatever it was, I’d be there for him. He did enough for me, and I wanted to make sure I was always there to return the favor—when I could. 

Hakkai paused, and then he turned to me, eyes hinting at his anger. “Quite honestly, I’m just a little tired of how things are running around here.” 

“Here? You mean with Sanzo bossing us around?” 

“No.” He set his mouth in a very straight line and his voice lowered to a growl. “I mean the way you do as you please with absolutely no thought to how I’m affected.” 

I hesitated, letting the words hit home. “Wait. You’re pissed at _me?”_

“As I said, I’m not angry, just frustrated.” 

“But with me.” 

“You could look at it that way.” 

“That’s a bullshit answer,” I snapped. “Either you’re mad at me or you’re not. What the hell did I do anyway?” 

“This isn’t the time to discuss it. We—” 

“Hey, you started it. Tell me what the fuck I did, or I’m not going anywhere.” 

With a sweep of his arm, he gestured to the house around us. “Look around and tell me why I shouldn’t be frustrated. I’m constantly cleaning up after the debris you leave in your wake, and you don’t make even the remotest of effort to help. It’s obvious you have no intention of pulling your own weight—ever—and I find that frustrating.” 

I scowled at him, and part of me was shocked. I thought it was nuts that he did all that in the first place, and I’d never understood why he bothered, and I always figured if he didn’t want to he’d just quit. Why was he taking it out on me? “Hey. Not cleaning the house and not pulling my own weight are two different things.” 

“Well, you’re right, but seeing how you usually _lose_ more money than you make, I stand by what I said.” 

“Are you fucking kidding me? Even if you’re right, who did you think’s been going on Sanzo’s shitty errands with you?” 

“Just forget it,” he snapped suddenly. “As I said, this isn’t the time to have this discussion, so please go put a shirt on so we can leave.” 

Grumbling, I wandered back to my room, more confused than annoyed, but as I pulled into my jacket, it started to piss me off that he’d brush me off and send me away like a damn kid. Shoving my feet into my boots, I stamped back to the kitchen, where he was putting the last of the dishes away. 

“You know, you’re not in charge here,” I told him roughly. “I don’t know why the fuck you’d think you are. This is _my_ house.” 

He shot an icy glare at me over his shoulder. “Excuse me?” 

“I don’t care how pissed off you get, you don’t tell _me_ when to put a shirt on.” 

Hakkai threw his hands off. “We’re supposed to leave, that’s all. Was I supposed to let you lie around half-naked until _you_ felt like going? We’d never accomplish anything.” 

“I just wanna make sure you know you’re not the boss.” 

“I don’t think I’m the boss. Last I was aware, we’re partners.” 

“Yeah. Partners. Not husband and wife.” I ground my cigarette out and headed for the door. “Let’s go.” 

Hakkai locked up the house, and we walked a good ways in silence. From the sharp curve of his mouth, I could tell I’d really made him angrier than ever, and in a while he said, “Aside from being partners, we are also roommates. I’m not your mother, and I don’t think it should be up to me to clean up after you all the time.” 

“So don’t. Nobody’s making you. You act like we’d just drown in our own shit if you didn’t clean up, but I did just fine with it before you ever came along. So it wasn’t up to the Hakkai Department of Health standard. There was piss on the toilet seat sometimes. So what? It’s not like it was uninhabitable.” 

“Oh,” he laughed, “well as I understand it, you were hardly ever home before I came, correct?” 

“I glared at him. “So?” 

“Now that you are home, I can see your habits of cleaning very clearly. After all, someone who’s hardly ever home doesn’t make much of a mess to begin with. In any case, all I’m saying is it would be nice if you’d take on your share of the responsibilities around the house, because it’s a bit ridiculous to rely solely on me to do it, don’t you think?” 

I was so pissed at that point, I couldn’t help snarling, “I don’t rely on you for anything.” 

His face shadowed with anger too. “I beg to differ.” 

The argument would never end if I didn’t just let it go, so I let him have the last word, and we walked the rest of the way to Keiun in total silence. The monks who let us in seemed almost excited, yammering to each other, eyes darting, and one even said to Hakkai, “Thank goodness you’re here!” but they wouldn’t explain what was up, just told us to hurry and see Sanzo. We wound our way back to Sanzo’s office, a tiny, disturbingly bleak room where a handful of relics hang from the walls and a crappy desk was always cluttered with scrolls and books. It was a wonder Hakkai didn’t get on _him_ for his sloppiness. Through the window, I could see the whole valley. 

Sanzo looked up from where he was sitting, and Goku jumped up off the floor, shouting, “Guys! Hey!” 

“Hey, Goku,” I grumbled, and Hakkai greeted him in an equally listless tone.

Sanzo seemed pretty annoyed already, and I didn’t feel like dealing with him. Hakkai’s lecture had left me feeling angry and belittled, and if anyone else gave me shit I was ready to rip their head off. 

“It’s been forever since I saw ya!” Goku sang out, coming up to greet us. 

“Not that long,” I muttered, and the kid gave me a long look. 

In his I-know-everything tone, Hakkai clarified, “I believe it’s been several weeks since you saw him, Gojyo—you do tend to be steeped in much more important matters.” 

Furious at his sarcastic tone, I whipped around to scowl at him. “You know, it’s not like I just sit on ass all day, like _some_ people.” 

Hakkai laughed. “Not at our house anyway. I assume you’re always on your back—somewhere.” 

I gritted my teeth, feeling my face flush. “What the hell business is it of yours to keep tabs on what I do away from home?” 

“I doubt I even have the stomach for that.” 

With growing confusion, Goku glanced between us. “You guys’re acting weird.” 

“You must excuse him, Goku. I think it’s been several days since he was with a woman. That’s all.” 

“Mr. Mom’s the one with his panties in a bunch,” I half-shouted. “Not me.” 

“If I were you, Gojyo, I wouldn’t—” 

“Enough!” Sanzo interrupted loudly. “Did you two cretins come here just to annoy me with your bickering?” 

Next, I glared at him. “As if you’re so special.” 

He returned the look. “Whatever your problem is, put a lid on it, for fuck’s sake. We’ve got business to discuss.” 

“My apologies, Sanzo,” Hakkai said, eager to make me look bad. “Please proceed.” 

Sanzo gave me one last, daring glare, and then said, “Two nights ago, a group of marauders infiltrated the temple. Unfortunately, Goku and I were indisposed, and they got away.” 

“Indisposed?” I sneered. “What’re you molesting the kid now?” 

Sanzo’s eyes flashed and his nostrils flared. He clenched his fists like he wanted to bust me good across the jaw, and I got ready to fight. 

Quickly, Goku said, “We went inta th’ town an’ had some awesome food! It was soooo good! Right, Sanzo?” 

Sanzo continued to glare daggers at me. He snarled under his breath, “Gojyo, don’t think I need your help so bad I won’t just kill you.” 

“My bad.” I grinned. “Just it ain’t consensual til he’s eighteen—so don’t forget.” 

He lurched at me. “You filthy, sick—” 

Hakkai stepped between us, holding him back with a hand on his shoulder. “I’m not in the mood for this,” he said shortly. “Gojyo, stop it. Sanzo, what did the thieves take?” 

Obviously flustered, and still glaring ferociously at me, Sanzo lit a cigarette. “Three young men.” 

“Kids?” I almost dropped my cigarette. 

“That’s right, you sick fuck, kids. So maybe you can quit pushing everyone’s buttons long enough to hear me out.” 

He was probably right. If there were lives on the line, I’d better shut up. Hakkai’s bullshit wasn’t enough to jeopardize some kids. 

“Three of our most promising pupils were taken. I’d go after them myself, if I had time.”

The words disrupted my cool some. “You’re telling me you’re too busy to go get back your own damn kids, but I’m an asshole for pushing buttons?” 

“I never said they were my students. The point is, if there are kidnappers with their sights on my temple, Goku and I can’t afford to leave.” 

“That makes sense,” Hakkai agreed. “So you’d like us to retrieve the hostages, and, I assume, apprehend the perpetrators while you and Goku hold down the proverbial fort.” 

“Essentially. If you can capture the kidnappers, great. If not, your priority is to get the hostages back.”

“If I may ask though, why would a band of marauders want to take a group of acolytes in the first place?” 

“You’ll have to ask them yourself,” Sanzo decided, sitting down again. “The acolytes are particularly skilled, but I have no idea what they might be used for.” 

“Very well then. I suppose it’s best if we get started right away.” 

Sanzo gave him a long, serious look, and then stared at me too. “Just be forewarned, Hakkai, these marauders weren’t exactly average. They infiltrated this place like it was nothing, and even killed a few Taoists.” 

I couldn’t help scoffing. “So they broke into a Buddhist temple and killed some peace-loving monks? They can’t be that tough.” 

“Don’t be so cocky, asshole.” 

“Yes,” Hakkai said easily. “Being cocky sounds like a grave mistake in this situation.” He half-turned to me. “Shall we?” 

Sanzo gave us a location to check into, and then Hakkai said, “We’re off then,” adding half-heartedly, “come along, Gojyo,” still treating me like a kid. 

He was out the door before I could retort, and I started to stomp after him. 

“You wait a second,” Sanzo called. 

“What?” I demanded stiffly, thinking he might want to try and kick my ass for the cracks I made earlier. 

But he seemed calm again, if not a little grave. “This is going to be dangerous.” 

“Thanks for the concern.” 

“Keep right on being charming, asshole, but just know that if you two let whatever personal problems you seem to be having interfere with the mission, there’s a good chance you’ll end up dead. And I need those students back in one piece.” 

I shrugged. “Like I said, thanks.” 

On my way down the hall, I heard Goku yell after me, “Be careful, Gojyo!” 

He sounded a little worried too, and he hadn’t done anything wrong, so I answered, “Count on it, kid.” 

Outside, I found Hakkai kneeling beside a plant. The sight made me think of the onion he’d dug up for me on one of the first missions we’d been on together, and I felt bad for fighting with him. 

Picking my way over to him, I shoved the hair out of my eyes and tried to think of something to say to smooth things over. “Hey…’Kai…” 

“Are you finally ready to go?” he asked brusquely, picking himself up and dusting off his knees. 

“Yeah, Sanzo just wanted to tell me something.” 

Hakkai set out walking without another word. From his brisk mannerisms I could tell he was still irritated. I knew it was partly my fault for fighting with him and for the way I acted toward Sanzo. 

I started to apologize, but he interrupted me. “I realize you’re not relying on me for anything, but I recommend we discuss strategy.” 

“’Kay.” I tried to let the jab slide. 

“By the way, I will be relying on you throughout this operation, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.” 

That one was a little harder to let go of. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Only that I appreciate what you do for me, despite your ungrateful attitude.” 

My anger surged to the surface again. “Look, I don’t expect you to do any of the shit you do, Hakkai. You’re my damn roommate, that’s all. You live in the house, you feel like cleaning it, and that’s on you.” 

“Just your roommate?” he echoed. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. I’m insulted that you take for granted the things I do—in addition to cleaning, I cook for you, I tolerate your incessant rudeness and inappropriate behavior, and I have to say it gets quite exhausting to live with day in and day out.” 

“Excuse the shit out of me for being myself.” 

“A lazy, unappreciative, insensitive…” He shook his head. “That is like you, isn’t it?” 

“Hey! Don’t even start with that list of my faults shit! Talk about immature!” 

“Immature?” He glared at me. “You want to start slinging _that_ word around?” 

“You think you’re mature, but fuck! I mean, I’m just so fuckin’ sorry I can’t be more like _you, Hakkai!”_

“Believe me, I’m sorry as well. Perhaps if you were you’d be a bit more useful.” 

That, I thought, crossed a serious line. 

“Fine. Just fine. I don’t give a shit what you think of me, but at least drop the I’m perfect attitude, Hakkai, ‘cause _you are _not fucking _perfect!”___

A furious smile cut across his lips. “At least my imperfections don’t interfere with the lives of everyone around me.” 

“Just mine. Believe me, if _anyone knew what a fucking dick you really are, “they wouldn’t be so thrilled with you. And if you were perfect, you wouldn’t be screaming at me over something so stupid in the first place.”_

Voice quivering with rage, he said lowly, “All I have ever tried to do was help you.” 

“I didn’t ask for your help.” 

That shut him up for a minute or two, but I didn’t dare hope he was thinking of letting it go. If anything, he was just thinking of something to say, and Hakkai could have a helluva sharp tongue when he was mad. 

In the meantime, we had reached the edge of town, where an abandoned warehouse stood. I think it used to be part of a lumber yard, way back when the town was a little more industrial. A rarely traveled path ran past it, and it had been built close to a steep cliff, making it a natural fortress. As we approached it, I realized we hadn’t come up with a strategy. 

“Ready to bust some skulls?” I grumbled. “I know I am.” 

“I suggest we attempt to sneak in covertly before anything else,” Hakkai decided, stopping on the side of the road. 

Normally, I was happy to go along with whatever he came up with, but I didn’t want to listen to him anymore, and I didn’t want him to be right, so I sneered, “What good has sneaking around like a coward ever done?” 

“Need I remind you that those on the front line are generally the first to die?” 

“So do whatever you want. I don’t need your help to tear this place down.”

“You said you didn’t ask for my help. There’s a difference.” 

“Not to me.” I stepped away. 

Hakkai caught my arm, looking angrier than ever. “Have you already forgotten I’m relying on you for this?” 

“Are you sure you _can?”_

His expression turned vicious. “So you intend to be _that_ way? Fine. Lead the way. But refrain from complaining to me when some youkai knocks you into next week.” 

“I’d never come crying to you.” With that, I wrenched loose and marched toward the front door, where a couple youkai stood guard. 

With curious expressions, they watched me come, murmuring back and forth to each other. 

I heard Hakkai muttering, “I can scarcely believe what an idiot you’re being.” 

“Then go sneak around by yourself.” 

“And leave you to get killed? I have a sense of camaraderie, though I must admit, at the moment, I can’t say I’d object entirely to the idea of you not being around.” 

Mouth falling open, I turned to him. “What the fuck? You went from I wish you’d clean up your shit to I wish you were dead in less than two hours?” 

Hakkai said, scoldingly, “No one wishes you were dead,” but there was a smirk on his lips, reminding me he was furious. 

“And no one said you have to live with me.” 

One of the guards called out, “Hey! What’re you kids doing? This is a restricted area. You—” 

I bared my teeth at him. “Shove it, asshole. We came to fuck you up.” 

I jumped on him before he could start again, knocking him to the ground and stomping his head with the heel of my boot. When his buddy came at me, I slammed him hard into the wall, and he slumped to the ground. 

“I certainly hope the acolytes are actually here,” Hakkai remarked disapprovingly. “We didn’t even get an opportunity to find out.” 

“Why the fuck would Sanzo send us here if they aren’t?” 

“Sanzo has been known to be wrong. We could both get into a good deal of trouble for what you just did.” 

“We’re not doing it your way for once—cry me a fucking river.” I kicked the door down and ducked inside. 

Inside, the warehouse was dark and hot, made up for the most part by a huge room with concrete walls and floors, and a high ceiling with bare rafters that looked ready to crumble. There were several rows of wooden crates, each up to my chin, but aside from that the place looked empty. On my right, a flight of rusty steps led to a catwalk running the perimeter of the room. 

Quietly, I walked to the middle of the room and scanned the area for enemies. A draft blew out of the darkness, and I heard the faint whimpering of old gears. Beneath my boots, there was the familiar grind of broken glass. 

“Do you think this’s a decoy?” 

“I doubt it.” 

“Are you gonna brush off every idea I have.” 

“As long as they continue to be absurd, yes.” 

“I can’t believe how upset you are over this thing.” 

“Seeing how you’re the agitator in this case, I’m not surprised to learn you think I’m overreacting.” 

I started telling him to get bent, but a smooth voice rang out from above us. “What a surprise. You’re not Genjyo Sanzo.” 

On the catwalk, the dark silhouette of a youkai leered down at us, casually braced against the steel railings. 

“You got that right, dick head,” I called. 

“You’re friends of his?” 

“Hell no.” 

Hakkai took over. “We may not be Genjyo Sanzo, but he did send us.” 

I nudged him roughly. “What’dya tell him that for, stupid?” 

“You’re the one who wanted to run in, guns blazing. Why hide it?” 

“I don’t want that asshole thinking I’m Sanzo’s bitch—” 

“What the hell does it _matter_ , Gojyo? We—” 

“It doesn’t _matter_ , I just—” 

“I hate to interrupt,” the man above us said, and a bright light switched on, blinding me for several seconds. I had to squint and blink to see again.

He wasn’t as big as he’d looked in the dark—he was wiry and short, standing on a crate, but his skin was midnight black, and his eyes were pale. Gold loops dangled from his sharp ears, and he had a maniacal smile. 

Around us, a whole army of youkai had emerged from the darkness, about fifty strong, standing at rigid attention, all eyes fixed on us, blankly. 

“Shit,” I breathed. 

“Even if you aren’t friends of Sanzo’s,” the man continued in a violent, sneering tone, “you can give him a message, can’t you?” 

Nervously, I shifted. I didn’t like having all those cold eyes boring into me. “What kinda message?” 

He smiled, mouth making a white gash across his coal-black skin, and he stretched out one arm, like he wanted to reach right down and grab me, hand open and yearning. “Death.” 

As soon as he’d uttered that word, the youkai army rushed us. 

I stood my ground, ready to defend myself. 

Hakkai needled me, “You see what happens when you dive into this sort of thing head first?” 

“You’re going to nag me? Right _now?”_

Before he could answer, the army slammed against us like a massive wave, flooding around me and attacking. 

None of them were armed, but their expressions were utterly focused, and their blows were powerful and precise. Each of them had razor-sharp claws that made up for the lack of weaponry. 

I dodged back and had the first two of them down in a matter of seconds. I grabbed the next one and slammed him against my knee, throwing him back into his comrades, and a handful of them spilled into a pile at my feet, tripping the next wave as they came at me. I put my fist into the eye of the next one, knocking him out. 

That was five. Forty-five or so to go. 

They fought without fear or consciousness, attacking with a vengeance, never blinking, mindless as soldier ants. 

At my back, Hakkai did a good job taking care of himself, but I realized I wasn’t watching him, and I didn’t know if he was watching me. 

_Oh well. I don’t need him to watch my back._

I punched a guy in the chest so hard he dropped dead on impact. I was more than enough by myself. I always had been. 

Then again, I’d never fought this many dudes at one time… 

I’d just have to do better. 

The youkai army was relentless though, and after a few minutes I started feeling like they’d never quit. 

One managed to sneak up and grab me under the arms, restraining me as his buddy came in for the kill. 

My heart fluttered with slight panic, but I didn’t let it take over. 

The second guy did punch me pretty hard, snapping my head back, but I planted my feet firmly, twisting my whole body around, and his next strike got his friend right in the ear. He didn’t make a sound when the blow hit, but it was enough to make him let go of me, and I slammed him in the head with my elbow, shoving him into his partner, and backed away until I felt Hakkai right behind me. 

I swiped my mouth, and it came back smeared with blood. “Know something, _partner_? Just ‘cause you’re pissed doesn’t mean you can ignore me—this’s a fight.” 

A loud crack cut through the room as he snapped a man’s neck. “Oh, I’m sorry. I was under the impression you didn’t want my help.” 

“I ain’t asking you for help. It wouldn’t kill you to watch my back though.” 

He paused to wipe his nose with his sleeve, and I saw he was bleeding too. “I couldn’t help but notice you didn’t bother watching _mine_ until you got punched in the face. And as a matter of fact, it just might kill me to watch your back. You’re a sloppy fighter.” 

Furious, I dropped my guard to scream at him, “Fuck you, Hakkai! Get the fuck off your fucking high horse for one fucking second! Or is _that_ gonna kill you too?” 

A blow struck me hard in the jaw, knocking me onto my ass. It felt like getting hit in the head with a sledge hammer, and for a good five seconds I was too stunned to do anything other than lie in a daze, clinging feebly to the hope that Hakkai wouldn’t let me get killed. 

When my vision cleared again, a seven-foot tall youkai stood over me, face as oblivious as the others’; his youkai energy hinted at obscene amounts of violence, and there was already dried blood smeared up his bare arms. 

I rolled out of the way just before his boot would have crushed my chest and scrambled to my feet, head spinning. 

“Pay attention,” Hakkai scolded. 

“Maybe I could if you’d quit being a dick!” I spat out a dark wad of blood. 

“Stop forcing your short-comings off on me.” He threw a man twice his weight over his shoulder like a feather pillow. “Someday, you’ll have to face your inadequacies and deal with them.” 

“This again? Get the fuck over it!” 

He gave me such an icy look even the mindless youkai around him hesitated. “The fact of the matter is, I’ve been putting up with this unacceptable behavior for a long time. I’ve tried to be patient, but I see now that tolerance alone isn’t enough.” 

“I’m not going to change just because you want me to,” I snapped back. “And I don’t know about you, but I’m going after that cock bite up there. He’s the one in charge of this bullshit.” 

“He _might_ be; however, I think it would be negligent to attack him now. We haven’t even brought their force down by half, and—” 

“So fight with them. I’m gonna go kick his ass and find out where the monks are.” 

Ducking under the arm of a youkai on the attack, I started plowing through them, heading for the stairs. 

“Gojyo!” he shouted after me. 

I dodged through attackers and knocked others down, not knowing if he’d come after me, not caring. I couldn’t stand to listen to his nagging for even one more second. 

Surprisingly, he was right beside me not a second later, fighting off youkai with that pissed off look on his face. “I hope you realize you’re being foolish today.” 

Gritting my teeth, I yelled, “For the last time, knock it off! You’re such a pain in the ass when you’re like this!” 

I took my frustration out on the next guy to attack me. 

Hakkai was obviously doing the same thing, practically ripping them apart with his bare hands. 

Both youkai landed in a heap on the floor, and we kept going, side by side, bickering all the way. 

“Are you being reckless and irresponsible today just to get under my skin?” 

“You know what, man? If you’re so sick of me, take your shit and get out!” 

I blurted it out without thinking about it, but Hakkai hesitated to turn to me, even going so far to let his guard down. His eyes widened and his lips parted like he was going to scream at me, but then he just stood there with his mouth hanging open, expression hinting at disbelief. 

As soon as I’d said it, I regretted it, but while he was looking shocked, a youkai popped up behind him, claws raised and ready to shred him from side to side. 

Hakkai noticed him a second too late. 

Instinctively, I leapt forward, knocking him back, and the claws sliced me to the bone; pain tore across my side, from ribcage to hip. 

Yelping, I stumbled back, holding my side and feeling blood gush between my fingers. 

Hakkai ripped around and killed the guy with ease. He gave me a mildly concerned look, but we didn’t have time for him to play doctor—he had to ward a few more off before he could even lift my shirt to check out the damage. 

“How bad is it?” I asked faintly. 

“You tell me, Gojyo.” 

“Hurts like hell…” I leaned heavily against the stair railings. Youkai were climbing toward us steadily. 

“I told you this was a bad idea.” Hakkai dropped my shirt to knock one in the head, sending him reeling back into the rest of the force. It bought us some time. “As for my leaving, if that’s what you want…maybe I will. When this is over, you never have to see me again if you don’t want to.” 

The words bothered me, but maybe it would be best if he lived somewhere else. Maybe these annoying, little missions were the perfect dose of each other. Besides, if he really didn’t like living with me, what could I do? 

He sprang up the stairs, and I went after him, fiery pain shooting up and down my side with every blow I threw. 

Even walking hurt, and I had to force myself to keep moving. Hakkai lagged back from time to time, not exactly helping, just making sure I hadn’t died yet. He didn’t say a word, and I could hardly look at him. 

With the horde gathering behind us, we pounded up the stairs, racing around the catwalk to where the boss stood, laughing his head off. 

“That was funnier than I thought it would be,” he wheezed. “The two of you are much stupider than you look.” 

Up close, he was super creepy. That skin color was not a natural black—it looked like his whole body was stained in ink—and there was a glossy quality to it. The intricate markings on him were silver and very light, barely gleaming in the dull atmosphere, but they went all the way down one side of his bare torso. His eyes were blank, without pupils or irises, and I got a haunting feeling when I looked into them, like something was trying to crawl inside my mind. 

“You know,” Hakkai told him quietly, “I think we’re both more than angry enough to want to cause you harm. I suggest you explain yourself.” 

I decided to be a little more to the point. “Where’re the monks?” 

The freak laughed. “I’m sorry, I have no idea what you mean.” 

“The kids from Keiun, you fuck-job.” 

He grinned brightly at me. “Them? They’re no longer with us.” 

Dumbfounded, I stared at him. “You mean…you let ‘em go?” 

Asshole laughed in my face. “Wow, Sha Gojyo, are you that naïve?” 

“Shut up,” I growled.

“I’d never let them go. They played a very important role for me.” 

“What might that be?” Hakkai asked grimly. 

The guy paced around nonchalantly, no qualms at all about turning his back on us. “Cho Hakkai, I assume you’ve heard the rumor that when a youkai devours a human priest, he gains that priest’s power and it extends his life.” 

I glanced at Hakkai, thinking it sounded nuts, but he didn’t look very shocked. 

“Those three monks were the star pupils of a Taoist master, potentially the most powerful monks in Chang’an, aside from Genjyo Sanzo, of course—and they were delicious.” 

My stomach turned and I thought my heart would stop. “You…ate them?” 

He turned back to us, grinning, red tongue lolling from his mouth, and he looked absolutely psychotic. “Before you judge me, why don’t you hear the rest of what I have to say?” We didn’t have much choice. The rest of his horde were moving in behind us quietly, and I wondered if they were so out of it that they couldn’t even understand what we were talking about. 

Pressing my hand over my wounded side, I tried to breathe regularly. I didn’t see why we should listen when we could just kill him, and at the same time, I wasn’t sure I could fight my way out of here even after he was dead. 

“Being eaten and adding to my life and power wasn’t their only purpose. As it so happens, the three of them served an even greater purpose.” He grinned again. “Something like the function the two of you serve, as a matter of fact.” 

“Then I take it this was a trap,” Hakkai said calmly. 

“Oh, you are smart, aren’t you, Cho Hakkai? A trap, yes. I knew someone would come for them—I assumed it would be Sanzo himself though. It’s not just a trap though—I prefer to think of it as the first step to an even more glorifying and spectacular ideal You see, the more powerful the monk, the greater the benefits gleaned from eating him, and a Sanzo is the highest priest there is.” 

Suddenly, despite my spinning head and burning side, I just felt like laughing. I couldn’t quite contain a chuckle. “You wanna eat Sanzo?” 

“Precisely.” 

“Well, okay. Not like you could if you tried, but hey, it doesn’t matter anyway, because we’re here. Not Sanzo.” 

“Oh, believe me, I assumed that would happen. I’m not an idiot.” He wagged a clawed forefinger at me. “I did my research, so of course I learned you two stooges carry out Sanzo-sama’s more distasteful jobs, and I assumed you’d come instead of him. It doesn’t matter. Once the two of you are dead, Sanzo will have to come in person. He’ll have that boy he’s taken in with him, but I don’t foresee that a child will be any problem. Besides, if nothing else, it’ll be quite a blow to his morale when he learns you’ve been killed.” He gnashed another vicious smile. 

“You’ve miscalculated,” Hakkai interrupted impatiently. “Sanzo won’t care if you kill us. That’s why he sent us in the first place.” He rolled up his sleeves. “I for one am done listening to your manic babbling.” 

“Oh, but that’s the best part,” he cackled. “The two of you have fallen right into my hands!” He reached into his pocket. 

I put my fists up to defend myself. 

Behind us, the youkai army shuffled, but they weren’t attacking. 

He lifted a small black box into the air. It was the size of a deck of cards with a red button in the middle. 

Hakkai freaked. He spun around out of nowhere, screaming, “Run!” 

I half-turned to watch him, not understanding. 

An ear-splitting bang went off beside me, engulfing me in a wave of heat, followed by a blinding flash of light. The force of the explosion blew me off my feet, and I slammed against the cold floor. 

Just like that, half a dozen more explosions went off around the warehouse, one after another. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. All around me I saw a network of yellow-orange flares, followed by billowing smoke. My head pounded and my heart raced. Unbearable heat accompanied by terror and shock swallowed me, an the ground shuddered beneath me. The rotting beams of the ceiling began to fall. My vision started to blur as I watched the rafters and stone cinderblocks collapse, crushing the catwalk and ripping through its steel. 

Somehow, I managed to find my feet and scramble after Hakkai. He was getting up too, voice drowned by the din of the explosions. 

Everything hurt. The wound in my side, my head and chest, even my arms and legs. But I ran for all I was worth. There was no way to survive this, but blind instinct said run, so I did. 

A flaming block of steel twice the size of me fell from the ceiling, landing directly between me and Hakkai. 

I felt the floor give way beneath me. In horror, I watched the steel catwalk rip in two like a snapped toothpick, and I heard the sound of metal being wrenched and twisted. 

On the other side of the gaping rift, Hakkai stumbled, arms flailing, mouth open in a silent scream. 

Helplessly, I watched him lose his balance. He tumbled backward, arms still flapping uselessly, and I caught a glimpse of his terrified face. 

The floor gave out under me, and I grabbed wildly at the air, desperately looking for anything to hold onto. I managed to grip the torn edge of the catwalk, but the metal tore my palms open, and the force of the fall nearly ripped my arms out of their sockets. 

Screaming in pain, I hung on for all I was worth. 

A split second later, the block hit the floor beneath me, and a seventh explosion went off. A bubbling, orange mushroom cloud swelled through the hole even as the catwalk collapsed, followed by a painful rain of shrapnel. I had completely lost sight of Hakkai. 

I realized I was screaming his name over and over. I could barely hear my own voice over the noise, and I knew he couldn’t hear me either. After falling straight into that blast of fire, it was likely he wasn’t even _alive_ to hear me. I couldn’t help it though. I couldn’t believe things had gotten so fucked up so quickly. 

In the meantime, the metal was tearing through my hands, and I was losing my grip. 

The maniac who had started all this had disappeared. For all I knew, he’d died along with all his men. 

What a crazy fucking thing to do, I thought arbitrarily. 

Desperately, I clawed at the edge, but I couldn’t pull myself up. 

_History really does repeat itself._

I lost my grip and plunged into the fire. 

My arm broke on impact, and I lay there, writhing and screaming, still barely able to hear myself. Something wet was leaking from my right ear, and heat blistered around me, closing in for the kill. 

Nearby, I made out the hazy shape of the steel chunk that fell from the ceiling. It blocked my view of where Hakkai should be, and more shit was falling now, some big enough to crush me. I curled up, shielding myself the best I could until the dangerous rain ended, and then I slowly looked around again. Hakkai should be beside me by now, if he wasn’t hurt or dead. 

I got up slowly, cradling my broken arm. “H-hakkai!” I choked, lungs on fire. The wound in my side seemed to sizzle, and my legs ached from the fall. My shoulder was bruised, and I felt like I was inhaling chemicals, but I thought I’d be okay. My vision started clearing, and I stared across a fiery wasteland. The floor was littered with charred corpses, and the flames formed a wall around me. Beams had fallen here and there, and the whole stairwell had collapsed, barring me from the door. 

I’d be okay. I’d been through worse. 

Hakkai though… I didn’t see him anywhere. 

I began to limp across the room, coughing into my sleeve and gagging. I kept my head low, covering my mouth and nose with my sleeve, but I kept my stinging eyes open for him, and I raised my voice as much as I could. “Hakkai! Come on, man, don’t do this to me! Where are you?” 

I knew though. He fell into that explosion—he was one of the many, unrecognizeable bodies strewn around me, and looking for him was a waste of time. Even if I could find him, I couldn’t help him. 

Feeling lost, I stood in the middle of the fire, wondering what to do. The only thing I could get my mind around was finishing the mission, because I didn’t dare think about Hakkai being dead. 

_It’s not like we were super close._

And I didn’t feel like I could move. 

I forced myself to wind through the maze of fire, stumbling over corpses and tripping on flaming beams. Sometimes, I had to skirt around especially large chunks of debris, burning fiercely, and all the while I was coughing more and more, and my lungs were aching. I wished I were home. I wished I’d never agreed to run this errand for Sanzo—not when it cost Hakkai his life. 

Angrily, I shook the thought away and listened for any sign of the psycho responsible for all this. Did he actually think eating those monks, or eating Sanzo even, would make him stronger? Even if he did, where was the sense in blowing the building up? Could he be that crazy? 

_He was crazy enough to kill Hakkai for nothing…_

The thought made my mind want to just shut off. Hakkai was fine this morning. At lunch, he’d seemed a little moody. He’d laughed with me though and told jokes. Then we had that pointless argument. Fuck. I didn’t know. 

The last thing I said to him was that he should move out. Was that really going to be the last thing I _ever_ said to him? I saw in his eyes how bad that hurt him. 

And the last thing he’d told me was he’d be happy to go… That hurt me really, really bad. Way worse than I could admit even to myself. I didn’t want it be the last thing I ever heard him say. 

What an impossible reality to live with. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have said those things. I wouldn’t have thrown such a fit. I would have promised to change—maybe I would have even made some pathetic attempt at changing. I would have at least apologized. But I didn’t know. I didn’t know this would be his last day alive. 

Out of pure despair, I screamed his name again, but he didn’t answer, and I had to focus. 

So Hakkai died. I was alive. I had to finish what we started. I had to save the monks—if they were around—I had to get out of here before the building burned down. I had to kill that crazy bastard. 

I reached the far wall of the warehouse and sidled along it, still cradling my arm and trying not to brush against the piping hot steel. I felt like I was about to suffocate from the smoke, and keeping my head down wasn’t working. 

After a few moments, I stumbled across a doorway, like a gaping hole in the wall. It led down into a concrete passageway, with steps descending steeply into the earth. A faint breeze fluttered there, barely able to penetrate the heat and smoke. 

Could it be that nutjob had escaped through there? Not impossible. 

One last time, I looked out over the burning room, knowing Hakkai’s body was there somewhere, and if I had time to go and check out every corpse, yes. Hell yes. I would. I’d find him and take him home and bury him in his garden in the back yard. It felt wrong to even think of leaving him, but I had to get out alive. He’d want that. Even though I suddenly felt like I couldn’t live without him, he wouldn’t want me to die too. 

“Sorry, Hakkai,” I coughed, and then ducked down into the darkness. 

Gradually, I stumbled away from the light and warmth, until I was enveloped by cool blackness so thick I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. My breathing came rough and ragged, and even though the dank passage soothed the burn afflicting my body, it couldn’t soothe the way I felt inside. 

It doesn’t matter that he’s dead. That’s what I’d tell Sanzo and Goku, if they even asked. We weren’t that close. Maybe they’d even pretend to believe me. 

After I’d been walking a while, I ran headlong into another wall. At first, I panicked, thinking I might be trapped, but after fumbling with my lighter I discovered I’d come to another door, large and ominous like the entrance to some ancient dungeon. 

For a moment, I stood there feeling scared. I didn’t want to do this by myself—that wasn’t what I bargained for. I never would have agreed to any of this if I’d known I was going to lose Hakkai. 

No more life-threatening errands for me after this. Things could go back to normal. 

I shoved the door open. It was heavy, but the hinges didn’t even creak, and beyond it I stepped into a room just the size of my bedroom back home, furnished with dirt floors and rough-cut stone walls. The air felt damp, and water dripped in the background. An awful reek filled the air, like a rotting body, mixed with blood, guts, and shit. 

Part of me wanted to run home, hide under the covers, and forget this day had ever existed. 

Especially when I saw the skeletons across the room. The flesh looked like it had been ripped off them lately, and the bones were stained dull red. Their jaws hung, unhinged, like they died screaming, and here and there I saw lumps of rotting organs around them, full of maggots. Off to the side lay a pile of orange robes, stained with blood. 

Gagging, I took a step back, but there was nowhere to go. 

Fucking Sanzo better still pay me, I thought. At the very least, he owed me for getting Hakkai killed. 

Just wanting something else to focus on, I looked around, noticing a faint but natural light coming from high over my head. I shambled toward it, desperate to get out of this nightmare, until I reached a steel ladder stretching up to a small dot of sunlight. 

Reluctantly, I glanced at the skeletons again. Thick manacles chained them to the wall. They’d died just a few feet from freedom. Less than an hour from home. 

Fuck. What an honest to God tragedy. What a waste. It made my heart feel like a lead paperweight. 

“Sorry, guys,” I whispered. “I tried.” 

With that, I started to climb. I had to keep my damaged arm tucked against my chest and rely mostly on my legs, so the going was slow, and I couldn’t escape from my thoughts or forget what I’d seen. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t convince myself what I’d lost didn’t matter, and with every rung I had to fight the urge to scream. 

Oh, yes, life would go back to normal without Hakkai; I’d go back to making my living solely on gambling, hooking up with a different girl every night, stumbling home whenever I felt like it—if I felt like it—because nobody gave a shit what I did. I’d go back to being lonely all day, dealing with the pain of my scars and my past alone, wishing I had even just one person who I could honestly trust… 

What could be more normal than that? 

Barely able to drag myself up with my burning arm, I climbed from the pit, just a few hundred yards from the blazing warehouse. A few villagers had gathered on the road to watch it burn, but it was too isolated to threaten anything else, and too old to bother saving. They didn’t even notice me, but I noticed a partially rotted board lying nearby. It probably hid this hole I’d crawled out of. 

Feeling filthy and exhausted, I heaved myself up to stand on the grass and stare at the fire, hating myself for leaving Hakkai behind. 

Someone knocked me down immediately, and I fell on my face. 

A bunch of youkai stood over me, wearing those damned, blank looks. 

The puppeteer himself approached, hands on his hips. “You survived? I’m impressed.” 

I sat up, spitting out blood and dirt. “Yeah, well you shouldn’t be—it takes more than a little camp fire to kill me.” 

“What about your friend?” he asked with a knowing smile. “Is he not as stubborn as you are?” 

“Mind your own business.” I growled. 

That asshole laughed in my face. “He’s dead isn’t he? If that fall didn’t kill him, the fire did, am I right? What a shame.” 

“It doesn’t matter.” I stood up again, eyes darting between them, waiting to see which of them would attack first, “I can take you bastards on by myself.” 

He just grinned at me. Damn, I really wanted to beat his fucking face in. “Don’t you remember what I told you inside? I ate those three acolytes.” 

“What’dya want, an I eat children badge? I don’t buy it for a second that eating some diaper-wearing monks is gonna make you any stronger, and even if it did, you said that eating Sanzo was gonna make you immortal, and you ain’t eaten him yet. You won’t even get a chance.” 

This guy was not going to take any more of my fucking friends from me. 

“Oh, stop being so petty.” He waved me off. “Just go home. You’re alive, the monks are dead, there’s nothing left for you to do here.” He cocked his head thoughtfully, “Unless…you want to make me pay for what I did to your friend.” 

“Hell, why not?” I grinned right back on him, imagining how nice it would be to twist his neck until it snapped “I got nothin’ better to do.” 

The little prick giggled and snapped his fingers. 

His youkai slaves came at me, claws aching to get a slice of me. 

I knocked the first one to the side and kicked the second one in the head. The first came back at me and I gave him a mean left hook, right in the ear, heard the satisfying snap of his skull cracking. The third and fourth moved in, not looking even slightly hesitant. Damn. What kind of spell did this ass have them under that they weren’t even afraid to die? 

Number four attacked me with his teeth, doing his best to rip my neck open, but I was too fast for him. I threw him down and busted number five’s nose with my elbow seconds before he could grab me from behind. 

By then, number two was getting up, holding his bleeding mouth and looking dazed. I kicked him back down, squashing one of his vertebrae under my boot. 

Fighting with one arm was hard, and it was sort of a shame. These guys were probably just normal dudes once, before this asshole decided to enslave them. They didn’t really deserve to get killed. 

_Nobody_ deserved to die for this bullshit… 

I opted to knock five, six, and seven out as quickly and painlessly as I could, hoping that if I killed the mouthy one they’d go back to normal. 

Through most of the fight, he stood back, laughing hysterically, and I could practically smell the insanity rolling off him. Anybody who thought eating Sanzo would make them tougher had to be bat shit. 

I moved in on him. “And now, dick wad, it’s finally your turn.” 

“Oh, please.” He swiped at one of his pale eyes, like he was laughing so hard he was crying; his skin looked black as ink under the purity of the sunlight. It just wasn’t natural at all, not even for a demon. He looked like he’d come right out of hell, with those pale, red-rimmed eyes and those fine, silver markings all over his body, and I wondered where the fuck he _did_ come from. “You’ll never defeat me. Not in a million years.” 

“Go ahead and keep right on believing that, fruitcake.” I sprang at him, my good fist cocked back. He dodged, darting out of my arm’s reach, and I dashed after him, snarling. I kicked at his face. He stepped out of the way like I was a little kid. I swung again and missed. He was faster than he looked, for sure. 

“Stand still, you fucking dick!” I took another swipe at his jaw. 

This time he caught my hand. His ink-black skin was freezing to the touch, and I thought I saw my own flesh becoming even whiter where he was grabbed me. His claws dug in and I started bleeding. Everything was black and white and red. I started to feel sick. Right beside my ear, his mouth hissed, pouring putrid breath all over my face. “Sha Gojyo. You are nothing to me. A feeble mortal like you is completely helpless against my power, do you understand?” 

I tried to speak, wanting to tell him what a disgusting piece of shit he was, but I couldn’t move. My body was paralyzed, and I felt my mind beginning to shut down. 

“You should have died in there, you know,” he whispered. “Not your friend. He had value, and you’re a nobody who can’t do anything except use people. Tell me, why is it that you’re alive and he is not? Why did you allow such a thing to happen?” 

Why had I? That was stupid. I knew he was right—Hakkai always talked like he was such a bad guy, but really I was the lowlife, degenerate scumbag who couldn’t even pick up his own trash. I should be dead, not him. 

“You should have died a long time ago.” I felt his icy hand snake down my cheek, over my scars. “Am I right?” 

Maybe. Maybe if Mom had just killed me this wouldn’t be happening now. Maybe Hakkai wouldn’t be a toasted marshmallow inside a collapsing warehouse. 

My eyes burned and my throat felt tight. 

“You.” 

His breath was like rancid meat pressed against my cheek. 

“Should die.” 

My heartbeat slowed to a dull thud now. 

“Sha Gojyo.” 

I stared at him, those round eyes as pale as twin moons, that creepy smile white as bone. 

“Stop living, Sha Gojyo. Fix these terrible errors and just give. Stop. Now.” He touched my chest with his corpse hand, and my heartbeat slowed even more. 

Why not? What did I have to live for anyway? I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t help Hakkai. I couldn’t even save the monks. I’d failed everyone. 

Might as well die… 

_But why? Because this says so? I mean, how crazy is he anyway?_

The thoughts were abstract and strange, but the answer came back, _Crazy enough to kill my best friend for nothing._

My best friend… 

Honestly, I’d never thought that about Hakkai before, and yet the second those words formed inside my head, it was just there, a permanent fixture of my heart and mind. It felt like it had always been that way. 

The image hung in my mind, lucid and vital, walking through the rain, thinking about all the things I hated to think about, wishing for something better or to stop existing. I could still see and smell his blood mixing with the rain and how hot it felt on my skin. I remembered the way he looked up at me. 

_The way he smiled._

From that moment on, nothing had been normal. He changed everything. Without him, I wouldn’t have even met Goku and Sanzo, and they’d definitely made life interesting. Still, it was mostly Hakkai, there every day, worried about whether I was drunk or hungry, laughing at me one second, telling me he found purpose in my life the next. I remembered drunk nights, feeling so sure I was going home to asshole Banri, and that he was going to kick a chair out in front of me and laugh when I tripped over it, and I remembered the amazing sense of relief I’d felt when Hakkai opened the door for me instead. Even just the other day… I’d never forget what he’d said to me when I sat down to lunch. Lunch he made. 

_This has been the strangest year of my life, I think. Sometimes, I desperately miss the old life I had, and I’ll always miss Kanan…but I wouldn’t trade this time in for anything._

And I’d never forget the serene, affectionate way he smiled at me. No one had ever looked at me like that before. 

As soon as he said those words, I’d realized that everything I’d done, between that moment and dragging his bleeding ass home, it meant more to me than I ever thought it would. We were connected, somehow, on a deeper level. He was different from anyone else I’d ever met. He was more than just a friend. 

He was my best friend. 

And for no logical reason at all, this crazy asshole had taken him away from me. 

I’d make him pay for that, even if it was the last thing I did. 

I shut his voice out and ignored his disgusting breath on my face, digging deep inside for the strength I knew I had; I latched onto it, letting it drag me to the surface again, until hot blood pumped through my heart, and I felt glad to be alive. If nothing else, I could kill this bastard who’d killed my best friend. If nothing else, I could live enough for both of us. 

When I opened my eyes again, I could tell he was shocked by that one act of defiance. 

With my busted arm, I hauled off and hit him across the jaw so hard he lost his grip and went reeling back, falling heavily against the grass. He sprawled there, touching his cheek and staring at me in wonder. “How…? No one has ever broken free before…” 

Snarling, I prowled toward him. “Sounds like you’ve been pickin’ on losers with nothing to live for.” 

Fear shone in his eyes, and he begged for his life, scrabbling at the ground, trying to crawl away. I didn’t have any mercy to spare for him. 

“You beg all you want.” I assured him darkly, planting my boot on his throat, “I’m gonna make you regret killing Hakkai.” 

It was over before I even realized it. I kicked his corpse down the hole I’d crawled out of, feeling like I’d never been so relieved to kill someone before. 

By that time, the warehouse fire was starting to die down, and the people standing around looked more bored than worried, and I lit a cigarette, beginning to make my way home, stiffly. Whatever. The freak was dead, and I felt emptier than ever. There was no bringing Hakkai back, and I had to return to an empty house and look at his shit and deal with the fact that I’d never see him again. 

I’d have to shut down a while, I thought. I sort of remembered doing that in the past, right after Mom tried to kill me. It was the only thing I knew how to do, and I was positive I couldn’t deal with Hakkai’s death any other way. 

It would make for a rough couple of years, but in time I’d be okay again, I guessed. Angry and cynical maybe that the only good thing that ever happened to me got taken away like that, but Hakkai wouldn’t want me to give up and die, so I’d have to cope. 

“God, I keep getting these shitty hands…” 

A voice answered brightly, “Well, you’re not a very good gambler anyway.” 

It was so familiar and commonplace, I barely registered it. I just snorted, because that’s what he would say, and there was nothing to do about it. For a moment, I even thought the voice might be in my head, because I was so used to being around him, and my traumatized mind just wanted to make up his side of the conversation. 

I stopped in mid-step, frozen again. 

“Are you honestly going to walk right by and go home without me?” This time, the voice sounded exhausted and pained. “It may take me several days to get there by myself.” 

Slowly, very slowly, I turned my head, terrified that I’d see him missing his legs or arms. I didn’t want to see him all mutilated and ruined, a limbless torso, smiling like it was the most beautiful day in the world. 

Hakkai sat less than ten feet from me, hunched over in pain on an old stump, bloody, tattered, and covered in soot. His glasses had been broken, and he was burned here and there, but his face was pale, and he looked like a ghost. 

My mouth fell open as I stared at him. 

After all, his smooth voice teased, like nothing was wrong. Like everything was okay. “I know we had a fight earlier, but I didn’t think it was so serious you’d leave me in this wretched state.” 

I could do nothing but stare. That burning feeling filled my eyes again, and my chest got tight like before, and I realized I really, really wanted to cry. Maybe out of pure relief. 

“Gojyo?” 

My fists trembled at my sides, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I was so scared he’d vanish right in front of me. I fought back that awful urge to burst into tears. 

Quieter than before, he asked, “Why are you making that face?” 

I probably looked shocked, maybe scared, disbelieving, relieved, completely freaked. I’d been one hundred percent sure my best friend was dead. I’d been thinking about how I could possibly continue on without him in my life. I couldn’t imagine the awful look on my face as I battled with the desire to cry for the first time in years. 

As casually as possible, I made my way toward him. 

My legs gave out on the first step, and I collapsed in a heap. 

When I looked up, he was frowning and leaning forward like he wanted to help me up. “Are you hurt?” 

“Hurt?” my tight voice husked. It was because of the smoke, I told myself. “I’m not hurt… What…” I tried to take a deep breath and bite back a whine. “What about you?” 

“I have a few severe burns, and I seem to have injured my leg in the fall, but for the most part I was lucky.” 

Lucky. That was Hakkai. I never should have thought he was dead. 

He babbled a few more moments about his narrow escape, and I just stared at him, trying to manage all the lingering feelings of despair and the new blazes of relief. I kept suppressing sobs and lowering my eyes any time I felt tears threaten to fill my eyes. I just couldn’t believe he was okay. 

“Gojyo?” he prompted after a while. 

Damn. He didn’t even realize I’d thought he died. 

“How long you been sitting there?” I whispered finally. 

“Long enough.” 

“Why…didn’t you say something…?” 

He laughed. “I’m a firm believe that it’s rude to interrupt.” 

“You’re fucked up…” I said, even quieter. “Just sitting there when I thought you…” 

“I’m sorry,” he said immediately. “In truth, I didn’t feel as if I had the strength to call out… It took everything I had just to make it to this stump.” He studied me with a more sympathetic look. “Did you really think I was dead?” 

“Kinda. Yeah.” 

“Well, considering what I’ve been through, I should hope it would take a bit more than that to do me in.” 

“Right. Sorry.” 

“I do appreciate your concern though.” Painfully, he got to his feet and hobbled over to me. His leg was covered in blood, but he offered me his hand and helped me stand up again. “As long as we’re being honest, I was quite concerned you might be dead, Gojyo.” 

“I’ve been through some rough stuff myself,” I admitted hazily. 

“I know.” 

I made myself look him in the eye, and it made me want to fall down again. What was with this guy? Every time I was sure he was gone forever, he always found some way back to me, and I’d never known anyone so determined to stick around. 

Hooking his arm over my neck, I helped him along, and we made the long journey home. Neither of us said another word about the fight we had, or about the fact that I’d basically kicked him out, or that he’d said he’d love to. I never wanted to think about any of that again. Having Hakkai in my life was worth all the nagging and craziness that came with it. 

“May I ask a question?” he asked when the house was in sight. “You seemed convinced for a moment that you should give up and die. I’m curious to know what changed your mind.” 

Those had been a horrible few moments. That voice in my head had been so insistent, and after a life like mine I’d been so willing to give into it. Slowly, I admitted, “It was a lot of things, but…I really wanted to kick his ass…for hurting you…” 

“That’s unexpectedly sentimental of you.” He laughed though, tugging gently on my hair. 

It was downright pathetic, in my opinion, but as long as I was being pathetic… 

“I thought about what you said to me.” 

Hakkai looked away. “I said a lot of things this morning, Gojyo. I-I didn’t mean most of it…” 

“Not this morning. The other day at the table… I decided I wouldn’t wanna give up this last year either, not even if I could make everything exactly the way I want my life to be.” 

And that meant I’d chosen Hakkai over Jien even. 

Hakkai stayed quiet, like he wasn’t expecting to hear any of that. As we made our way up to the house, he whispered, “Isn’t it astounding how much a single event—let alone a single individual—can alter everything so drastically? At times, I can’t convince myself I’m worthy of any of this.” 

“Me neither,” I huffed. 

His arm tightened around my neck. “We’ve been through a lot together.” 

In just one year, outside of the fact that we’d each saved each other’s life in turn, we’d been on a dozen missions for Sanzo, some dangerous, some tedious, but we always did them together. Neither of us ever said, “screw you, do it yourself,” not even today when it had seemed like being together was more a problem than a help. Even though I had always resented Sanzo a little for pushing his work off on us, I realized now I wanted things to stay this way a while. These stupid missions didn’t crop up all the time, and they meant a lot to me, if only because Hakkai was with me through it all. That meant more to me than anything. 

Inside, we did our best to fix each others’ wounds with the meager first aid kit, and then Hakkai fell asleep on the couch, stripped to his shorts and still smoky from the fire. 

I dumped one of the throws off the back of the couch on him and sank to the floor, thinking about how lucky I got. I crashed out there, listening to Hakkai’s deep breathing. 

When I woke up again, the room was dark with a pale, violet light coming through the windows as the sun finished setting, and my jacket was draped over me like a blanket. Even though I couldn’t see Hakkai’s face, I knew he was awake. 

For a while, I lay there, trying to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the fight we’d had and the way we’d never resolved it, and how he almost died thinking I didn’t want him around. 

Half asleep, I murmured, “Hey, man… I’m sorry I’m such a pain in the ass to live with.” 

He took his time answering, to the point that I started to worry he might still be mad. “No,” he told me softly, “you’re not. I’m selfish. I’m sorry you saw that side of me today.” 

It didn’t seem selfish of him, being annoyed that he had to clean up after me. “Do you regret moving in here with me?” 

“Of course not, Gojyo. I enjoy it, to tell the truth.” 

“Yeah. I didn’t mean what I said about you moving out.” 

“I know. Nor did I.” 

“It’s cool you’re here… I know I suck, but you take care of me.” 

“I think we take care of each other.” 

I snorted and closed my eyes again, trying to fall asleep, but the insecurities lingered. “So…you’re gonna stick around, right?” 

“Yes. In hindsight, it would be absurd to leave. A year isn’t so long in terms of living together, and you and I are still getting to know each other. It calls for a bit of patience and understanding, and I apologize for losing sight of that today. Frankly, I enjoy maintaining the house, and even if I do have my spurts of agitation when you do something particularly frustrating, it’s not really a problem. Not enough to make me want to leave. I’m sorry I failed to explain that this morning.” 

“It’s okay,” I answered drowsily. “I’m just glad you’re not dead.” 

It took him a moment to answer. “Yes.Believe me, the feeling is mutual.” 

For three days, we lay around at home, slowly trying to heal from our wounds, and on the third day, Sanzo show up, towing Goku with him and looking especially annoyed. 

At the time, we were in the kitchen, and Hakkai was in the middle of changing my bandages. I’d already done his for the day, but we both looked like hell. Sanzo charged in, snarling, “Would it kill you to report back to me? I thought you idiots died.” 

“Aww, I never knew you cared,” I sniffed. 

He sat down heavily, lighting a cigarette immediately, while Goku raided the kitchen. “I don’t, obviously. I wanted to know what happened to my acolytes.” 

“Now, _they_ are dead,” Hakkai told him, way, way too cheerfully. 

“Really?” Goku looked up from the fridge, a leg of my leftover fried chicken poised halfway to his mouth. “Ya didn’t save ‘em?” 

“Not everybody’s as lucky as we are,” I grinned. 

Sanzo complained, “You sons of bitches… I know you’re both fucked up beyond all reason, but do you have to talk so lightly about my dead acolytes.” 

“It’s how we cope,” I snorted. “It’s like the one stupid thing we have in common, so shut up about it.” 

“My three best students. What good are you misfits anyway?” 

“Hey, dipshit. You didn’t tell us that kidnapper was bat-shit crazy. You’re lucky anybody got out of that alive.” 

“Gojyo, please sit up straight,” Hakkai reminded me. 

“I told you to be careful, remember?” Sanzo scowled at me. “It’s not my fault you got your asses handed to you.” 

“We still killed him, didn’t we? That’s what matters.” 

“It’s not what matters. I told you explicitly that saving the acolytes was your priority.” 

I really didn’t want to think about the stripped skeletons I’d found, and I definitely didn’t want to have to tell Sanzo those poor kids had died such a hideous death. I rested my elbow on the table, grumbling, “So do it yourself next time.” 

“Gojyo.” Hakkai nudged me. “I can’t do this properly if you don’t sit up straight.” 

Sighing, I did my best to sit up straighter. 

“What’d that guy want the kids for anyway?” Goku asked, cramming another chicken leg in his mouth. 

He definitely didn’t need to know some people might think eating Sanzo was good for their health, so I said, “He was just a perverted whack-job. Right, ‘Kai?” 

“At the very least, he had some sort of severe chemical imbalance,” Hakkai agreed smoothly, tying off the last of the wrap. 

“This has been a waste of my time,” Sanzo announced, getting up. He reached into his robe though and dropped a leather pouch, heavy with money, on the table. “You don’t even deserve this.” 

“Believe me,” I told him, “we do.” Suspiciously, I picked it up, testing its weight. 

“Paying us for the trouble?” Hakkai asked. “Feeling all right, Sanzo?” 

“Feh,” Sanzo snorted. “At least you killed him before he could cause more trouble—I suppose that means I owe you something.” 

“Yes, but this is the full amount.” 

Sanzo looked caught with his pants down, like he had no idea how to explain himself, so he put on that droopy-eyed frown and muttered, “If you weren’t completely out of food before we came, you will be by the time we leave. Take it and shut up.” 

Hakkai thanked him, and then he started to make his way toward the door. Before I could even start to feel gratitude, he called over his shoulder, “Next time leave your personal issues at home and maybe you won’t fail. Goku! We’re leaving. Say goodbye. Now.” 

Goku swallowed Hakkai’s last bean jam bun. “’Kay!” 

My roommate limped off to show Sanzo out, like a good host, but told me I should sit and relax. The hypocrite. I watched him go, and Goku stalled beside me, studying me intensely, with a worried look. 

But he said, “Eww. You’re a mess.” 

I lit my cigarette, thinking about how Hakkai fell right into the fire, wondering how the hell he got out of there. “I didn’t even get the worst of it.” 

The kid lingered, staring at me still. 

“Whassamatter, punky?” 

To my surprise, he asked, “You guys… You’re still friends, right?” 

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t we be?” 

“I dunno. You both smelled really mad the other day. I thought…” 

“That? Nah, we worked it out. Nothing like a little near death experience to bring a coupla straight dudes together.” 

Goku smiled a little. “That’s good. I’d be sad if you guys stopped being friends.” 

Again, it surprised me he cared about that enough to even ask, and I realized it meant he must care about us, about _me_ , and I hadn’t really been expecting that. I knew I cared about him, but me caring about something had never been a good enough criteria for them to care back. I should have known better with Goku, I told myself. 

“Try not to lose sleep over it,” I teased, ruffling his hair with my good hand. “We wouldn’t want the little baby to be cranky.” 

“Bleh.” Sanzo called for him, and he headed toward the door. “You’re sucha’ jerk, Gojyo.” 

“I know, I know.” I dragged deeply off my cigarette. “It’s amazing anybody puts up with me.”


	5. Christmas Eve_Non Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gojyo has his doubts about Christmas, but skipping it may not be an option this year.

 

 

“Fuck Christmas Eve.”

            “It’s not that bad,” Bao-zhi decided, sipping off his whiskey.

            I shotgunned mine and poured another double right away. “It _is_ that bad. Where’re all the guys? At home fucking their girlfriends. Where’re all the girls? Out looking for a respectable man they can have a romantic evening with. There’s nobody to play cards with, and no chicks to screw.”

            Bao turned to raise his eyebrow at me. “If you could _hear_ what you said just now…”

            “It’s true.” I gestured to the bar around us, “This place is dead.” Around me, a scattered handful of loser old men who never got married were getting too fucked up to play even a hand of cards.

            “You know there’s more to life than fucking and gambling, don’t you?”

            “Sure. We got whiskey, don’t we?” I saluted to him with my next shot.

            Bao made this that’s true kind of face, took another sip from his glass and smacked his lips. “What I’m saying is, maybe you oughta’ get yourself a girlfriend, and then Christmas Eve wouldn’t suck so much.”

            I groaned, “Did you just say what I think you said?”

            “That _you_ should think about at least _trying_ the g-word?”

            “Why the hell would I put myself through the agony of dealing with the exact same girl over and over?”

            “Maybe because you’re twenty years old now, and that’s what people do.”

            “It’s not what _I_ do.”

            “It’s a lot more _normal_. Not to mention, more responsible. And who knows? You might like it.”

            “Pft. Yeah _right_. I might like it if some chick nails my cock to the wall? No, thank you. By the way, I couldn’t help noticing _you_ don’t have anybody in your life either, Bao.”

            “I’m almost forty, Goj—I’ve tried relationships. I have something to base my opinion of them on.”

            “It must not be a very high opinion if you’re choosing to spend the last half of your life alone.”

            He snorted. “I’m just suggesting you try it for yourself so you can figure out if it’s right for you or not.”

            “I don’t need to. I know it’s no good for me just by looking at it.”

            “All right. Well, just be careful—the next twenty years are gonna go by really fast, Goj.”

            I took another shot and heaved an exasperated breath. “What’s it to you?”

            He grinned—Bao-zhi’s grin always made me think of a wolf, all toothy and sharp, with his eye patch and his long nose—and turned his one pale eye on me. “People might start thinking you’re gay if you keep hanging out with nobody but Hakkai all the time.”

            My face flushed. “I don’t hang out with Hakkai all the time—we live together—”

            “You live with a guy and you don’t have a girlfriend.”

            “But I ain’t _fucking_ the guy! I fuck chicks! People _see_ me fuck chicks!”

            “We see you taking chicks home. What you do with them when you get there, nobody knows.”

            “What the hell else would I do with ‘em?”

            “I have no idea. Maybe they watch you and your boyfriend get it on.” He laughed.

            “He’s not my boyfriend! Can’t a guy have a roommate?”

            “ _N_ _ot_ having a girlfriend, ever, is the part that looks suspicious.”

            “Fuck you, man. I just don’t dig the commitment thing, okay?”

            He laughed for another minute or two before settling down and resting his hand on my shoulder, voice turning unexpectedly serious. “You should try not to put so many limitations on yourself, kiddo.”

            Even though I knew exactly what he meant I just scoffed, “What limitations? I can’t help it if I don’t like commitment.”

            “You know what I’m talking about. It’s not fair to you, Goj.”

            “Whatever. It’s not about that.” I took another shot, a little slower this time.

            “If you say so.” He stood up suddenly. “I’m heading—there’s nothing going on around here.”

            “You can say that again. Fuckin Christmas Eve.”

            “Maybe you better head home too, huh, Hot Shot? Have a few drinks with Hakkai; he’s the only person you ever really wanna hang out with anyway, right?”

            “Screw off, would’ja? We live together: no shit we see each other a lot.”

            Chuckling he ruffled my hair, and then he slapped some money down on the bar, more than enough to cover both our bills. “What the hell, Bao? That’s one helluva’ tip for the bartender.”

            “Merry Christmas, Goj.” He was already walking away, and before I knew it, he was out in the snow, heading down the street. I sat a little longer, finishing my drink and thinking before I got up and left too.

            Skeins of clouds shrouded the night sky, concealing the moon in a pitch black veil, and flecks of snow drifted around me. Every house I passed glowed warmly and rang with the sounds of laughter and singing. To me, it was just another normal night without a good screw.

            Oh well. Things would be back to normal tomorrow night, so why worry about it? I figured I might as well go home, maybe play some cards with Hakkai for the hell of it, and go to bed. I could live with that.

            I never got the fascination with Christmas Eve. I’d spent the last eight Christmases alone, and I couldn’t remember the twelve that came before that. Still, if they were anything like the rest of my childhood, I might not really want to.

            Last year, I found a girl to bang, but she was upset with me in the morning because I couldn’t give her any of the traditional Christmasy cutesy crap. I had definitely learned that if I wanted to get laid on Christmas Eve and not get slapped in the morning I might as well get a hooker, and this year I didn’t have the money for that.

            When the house was in sight, I stopped dead in my tracks. It was in the right place, but colorful lights hung along the roof, and the tree in the front yard had been wrapped from trunk to top with twinkling bulbs. A few cheap-looking snowman decorations stood in the front yard, coal teeth grinning, plastic-shit mittens waving. Someone had built a real snowman next to the fake ones, sloppy and droopy-eyed with a daikon radish for a nose. As I passed, I gave it a suspicious look. Was that _my_ scarf around its neck?

            “Pffffffft… Go figure.”

            I should have expected this shit.

            The aroma of freshly baked cookies and a wave of intensely warm air hit me the moment I opened the door, and voices laughed in the kitchen.

            “I’m back.” I called, yanking my coat off and throwing it to the side. Around me, it looked like a kindergarten field trip got permission to do whatever the fuck they felt like in my living room. Glass bulbs hung from the ceiling on beaded garland and festive ribbons. The walls were a nightmarish vomit-fest of tinsel, wreaths, and holly. Someone threw a hand-knit red and green throw over the back of my couch, and I was standing on a plush rug that said MERRY XMAS in bright red letters.

            “What the fuck?”

A pathetic tree filled the right hand side of the room, wound in mismatched lights and cheap ornaments. Seriously. This was not the kind of Christmas tree you saw in the window at the department store. It had popcorn strings and handmade ornaments on it and it looked sort of God-awful. A handful of presents nestled beneath it, and they were probably the nicest part of the whole set up. Sitting on a table next to the tree was a gingerbread house, a couple stories high, decked out with frosting snow and peppermint windows.

“What the fuck?” I muttered again, struggling to keep my balance.

Hakkai came in from the kitchen, laughing, “Oh, you’re home. I didn’t think you were coming back tonight.”

I glared at him. He wore a green and white Christmas sweater, with a warm smile lighting his face. I kinda wanted to strangle him.

“Why wouldn’t I come back? I live here.”

“Ah, yes, but I thought you’d be spending the night elsewhere… Well, it hardly matters. Come and say hello to Goku.”

“Goku’s here? Why? What happened to my house? What’s all this crap?”

“ _Our_ house,” he corrected, cheerfully, “And it’s just a little festivity.”

I blinked at him, not sure if I should scream about it or just let it go.

Hakkai’s smile turned slightly apologetic. “I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“I don’t mind.”

“You look annoyed.”

“No.” I glanced around the house one more time. “I’m just…surprised.”  
            “I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to surprise you.”  
            “Whatever. You live here too, so… Whatever.”

“It will all be taken down day after tomorrow, of course.”

Thank God, I thought, following him into the kitchen. I didn’t think I could stand to live in this winter wonderland for very long.

Goku sat at the table, surrounded by stacks of construction paper, bottles of glue, and piles of glitter and all the other kind of kiddy arts and crafts shit I thought I’d never see in my house. He was wearing a sweater too, but his was purple, and he had a red and white Santa hat on his head.

He beamed up at me. “Hey Gojyo! You’re home!”

“Damn straight, so clear that shit off my table and get me a beer.” I was only half-joking with him.

“I can’t. I gotta finish this.” He scribbled intently on his construction paper with a fat marker.

Sighing, I got a beer for myself. Not getting laid was bad enough, but coming home to find that Hakkai had turned my house into a reject Christmas card scene was _really_ annoying.

 “Um, what the hell is going on?” I asked suddenly.

Hakkai bent over a pan at the stove. “Oh, I just thought it would be nice if Goku got to do a little celebrating this Christmas.”

“Right. And he couldn’t decorate the living shit out of the temple?”

He just laughed, like I was kidding. “I doubt Sanzo would have allowed it. He’s not nearly as easygoing and understanding as you are.”

Obviously he was trying to smooth the whole thing over—manipulating me like a total pro.

Determined not to show how disappointed I was that I didn’t get to spend Christmas Eve the way I wanted to, I slouched in a chair next to Goku and started smoking. “Eh, the temple would look like shit with a tree in the middle of it anyway.”

Just like how _my_ house looked like shit with a tree in the middle of it. Why the hell do people put up trees for Christmas anyway?

Jien and I put a tree up once when we were kids. The only other thing I remembered about Christmas trees was how it felt being twelve years old and walking past some fucking family’s house and looking through their window at all the decorations and the happy faces as they opened their stupid presents together.

_Stupid, fucking Christmas Eve._

“I never knew people decorated for Christmas,” Goku announced suddenly. “It’s so cool! Hakkai said we could put up anything we wanted, so he bought all kindsa ornaments an’ lights an’ stuff.”

I couldn’t help shooting another glare at Hakkai. I couldn’t believe he’d gone out and wasted all day buying shit just for Goku to string up around the house. _Why_?

“First! We made th’ snowman!”

“With _my_ scarf,” I grumbled.

Hakkai was quick to add, “Which you never wear.”

“Then we decorated th’ outside, ‘cause Hakkai said we should do that b’fore it got dark. Then we made the gingerbread house. Then we decorated _inside_. Then, when it started gettin’ dark, we put up the tree. Isn’t it great?”

He sounded so damn happy about the whole thing…

I tried not to say anything mean. “Yeah. So…what’re you doing now?”

“Makin’ Christmas cards for ev’rybody.”

We were the only three people he knew on earth, so I assumed everybody meant us. “Sanzo’ll love it.”

Totally missing the sarcasm in my tone, he went on jabbering, “I ain’t made his yet—I dunno what ta’ put on it—but I wanna make it reeeally cool. Think he’ll like it?”

“Oh sure. You guys ain’t gotta fridge up there, right?”

Goku turned to give me a confused look. “Not really. Why?”

“You’re supposed to stick crap like that on the fridge…or some shit…I guess. I dunno.” I glared over at our fridge. It wore notes and magnets Hakkai had hung up and changed out regularly so the kitchen wouldn’t “get stale.”

Mom’s fridge had always been cluttered with Jien’s report cards and drawings. I could still remember the card he made her when he was eleven, with the drawing of all three of us inside, and the way she looked at it and cried and tore it up when he wasn’t looking.

Goku frowned at Hakkai. “We don’t have a fridge at the temple.”

Hakkai slid his pan back in the oven, took off his mitts, and beamed at Goku. “There are other places it can be kept, I’m sure. The wall, perhaps? Sanzo may even put it on his desk.”

Goku thought a moment and then nodded, satisfied, before going back to his card. “What kindsa stuff do people do on Christmas Eve, Hakkai?”

“Besides turning their roommate’s house into a living nightmare?” I said under my breath.

“Oh, a lot of things.” Hakkai ignored me and sat down with us. “Play games, for instance. Some people like to go caroling. More than anything, it’s just a good time for family to be together.”

“Family.” I sniffed. “Family’s got nothin’ to do with Christmas. It’s all about the romance.”

Goku folded his card, looking thoughtful. “Romance?”

“Stupid chicks think Christmas Eve is the best time to hook up with some dude, because then he has to buy her shit and treat her like a goddamn princess. Like some kind of holiday special.” Hakkai had been watching holiday specials all month, and they were about enough to make me gag. “They want cake. They want chocolates. They want flowers. They want an f-in’ ring. It goes on and on.”

Goku lifted his eyebrows to study me, and Hakkai frowned, so I took a swig off my beer and snorted, “Stupid chicks.”

Hakkai smiled winningly at Goku. “Christmas Eve is whatever you want it to be, Goku. You see, it’s not about what’s right to do on Christmas Eve, it’s about what you want to do, and who you want to spend it with. Naturally, I’ve had my share of romantic Christmases.”

His tone dropped when he spoke those words, and his eyes drifted away, turning a little bit sad. Stupid, fucking Christmas Eve was gonna make Hakkai all gloomy now, and that was going to suck.

He didn’t stop smiling though, and it only took him a second to bounce back.

I was surprised as hell.

“But, certainly, romance is not the only thing to be achieved on Christmas Eve. When I was a child there was a heavy religious influence to Christmas Eve, but that wasn’t all we’d do. The town usually donated a large tree to the orphanage, and all the children would participate in decorating it. Sometimes, we’d even exchange our own hand-made gifts. Every year, we were allowed to hang up stockings in hopes that Santa-San would leave something for us to find in the morning.”

“I bet you always got coal,” I laughed.

“Santa-San?” Goku’s glowed like he was five. “Who’s that?”  
            Hakkai explained, “Santa-San is the man who spends all of Christmas Eve delivering gifts to the good children of the world.”

I leaned back in my chair. “I always thought Hoteiosho was the one who took presents to the kids.”

“Who’s that?” Goku asked again.

“A monk—”

“Like Sanzo?”

“Not precisely like Sanzo…” Hakkai said delicately, “no.”

“Hoteiosho’s not an asshole,” I explained. “Plus, he’s got eyes in the back of his head.”  
            “Hm.” Goku smiled and leaned his chin against his hand. “Sometimes I think Sanzo’s got eyes on th’ back of _his_ head.”

“Yeah right. That guy is _not_ that special. Either way, he ain’t no Hoteiosho…or _Santa_.”

Hakkai picked up again. “They’re one in the same, I believe. it’s all a matter of personal preference on what you wish to say.”

“But he gives people presents?” Goku wondered, mouth hanging open in awe. “Some guy runs around and brings presents ta’ everybody?”

“Well…so they say. You see, according to popular culture, children who have been good all year are permitted to write a letter to Santa-San, and then, hopefully, they’ll be granted their heart’s desire on Christmas morning.”

“Don’t get too caught up in that.” I puffed a few smoke rings. “Goddamn Santa-San never brought _me_ shit.”

“I presume that’s because you were an obnoxious, crass, naughty little boy, and in many ways, still are.”

“Yeah, well what did Santa-San ever bring _you_ , Hakkai?”

My roommate sat up straight and smiled right at me. “Coal, mostly.”

Goku laughed suddenly. “You guys don’t actually believe that stuff, right? It’s all a joke, yeah?”

We both turned to look at him.

“It’s for children.” Hakkai decided slowly. “Still, the symbol of Christmas is important, whether you believe in Santa-San or prescribe to a more religious type of holiday, or if you simply enjoy the commercial aspects—that is to say, romance and cake and gifts. Everyone keeps Christmas in his own way, but the important thing is that it’s a time of good will and generosity, family and friendship; it’s a day when—”

“Christmas is stupid,” I interrupted, grabbing another beer. “It’s just another stupid day when people go out and spend way too much money on pointless garbage like trees and ornaments and presents. Some fat bastard somewhere thought up Christmas so he could make money off the saps and religious fanatics.”

            There was a moment of silence, and they both stared at me a while, Hakkai looking mildly disapproving before he shrugged and said, “Perhaps cynicism is merely another way of observing Christmas.”

I nursed my beer, and everyone was quiet. I didn’t know if I’d fucked up their mood or not, but Hakkai was full of shit telling the kid all that fluffy bullshit. It’s not like he had parents, and I doubted spending Christmas in the orphanage was a great time. Personally, I couldn’t think of one, single, good Christmas Eve in my entire life—a lot of them had involved curling up under a layer of cardboard behind a dumpster, and every one of them had been totally lacking in good will, generosity, friendship _and_ family.

Once, I guess, Jien came up to my room after he and Mom had spent the whole night laughing and eating Christmas Cake and fried chicken. I sort of remembered him handing me some cheap-ass toy he’d bought with part of his allowance, and maybe some candy. That was the only generosity and peace on earth that had filled _my_ Christmas, and that wasn’t because it was some fruity holiday when people did shit like that. It was because Jien was my goddamn brother, and he probably spent his whole childhood feeling sorry for me.

A little angrily, I walked back to the living room to stare out the window. Heavy snow fell, and my breath left steam on the glass; the night was dark and empty, and I didn’t see anything magical or wonderful or _happy_ about this stupid holiday.

Hakkai and Goku murmured in the other room for a few minutes before Hakkai came to me. I felt him at my shoulder, lingering a moment before saying, “It’s good weather for hot sake, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.” My voice was more sullen than I meant for it to be. I couldn’t figure out why this shit was bothering me so much, except that I’d never had to really look it in the eyes and face it before. I wasn’t stupid. I knew that having nothing but shitty memories of Christmas Eve meant I’d had a really shitty childhood, and I couldn’t help feeling a little bit jealous of the people who had it good, who’d always had somewhere warm and safe to go on Christmas Eve—the laughing families I’d stared at through windows.

            Like Bao-zhi said, if I had a girlfriend I’d at least have somebody to spend Christmas Eve and New Year’s and Valentine’s Day with…but that wasn’t an option for me, and commitment wasn’t a two-way thing anyway, so even if I did it, who’s to say she wouldn’t just leave me in the end? They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, but I wasn’t so sure.

            What it boiled down to in the end was all those families and lovers had no idea what it was like to be alone. Not just _alone_ because that’s where they happened to be at this point in their lives, but alone because it was their fate to be isolated, unwanted, and unloved. How many people could actually say that and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was really the truth?

            That was just my fate. I accepted it a long time ago, and I didn’t dwell on it, but on a day like this one, devoted to being with so-called loved ones, could anyone blame me for feeling slightly angry?

Hakkai announced, “I didn’t mean for all of this to upset you.”

We hadn’t known each other a whole year yet, but I should have known he’d figure out I wasn’t cool right now. Maybe it was obvious. “What makes you think I’m upset?”

“Because you’re frowning like you do when you’re upset. Not to mention that bitter speech you gave us in the kitchen.”

I shrugged. “I don’t like Christmas, that’s all—I’m not _upset_ about it, I just don’t care about it.”

“I really thought you’d be gone all night, you see: that seemed to be your intention when you left earlier. Even so, I didn’t realize you’d be so unhappy with Goku and I observing a few traditions on Christmas Eve.”

“For the last time.” I turned to him. “I’m not unhappy—it’s okay—you guys can do whatever you want. It doesn’t matter.”

Hakkai looked back at me, a little sadly, and he lowered his voice, “It’s just that…Goku’s never done anything like this before. If it’s true what Sanzo said about him being locked away for years, it stands to reason he’s never observed any aspect of Christmas—or any holiday, for that matter—or that he even knew it existed until very, very recently.”

I stared at him a while, half of me surprised he’d thought of that, and the other half shocked that I hadn’t.

“So I thought…perhaps, despite my own…misgivings about Christmas—that is to say, my reluctance to observe it due to recent tragedies and slightly less recent memories—it might be fun for him, playing around and listening to silly, made-up, romantic ideas. He’s completely new to all of it, even the concept of playing in the snow.”

When he put it that way, I felt kinda shitty. It wasn’t that long ago the kid couldn’t even go out in the snow.

“It’s safe to say, he’s had a very lonely past, which I must admit I don’t consider every day, being that he’s always so cheerful. I thought I might at least give him the chance to form his own opinions.”

Slowly, I turned to look at the kid, scribbling away in the kitchen, humming along with the Christmas music, totally oblivious to the fact that we were talking about him. His past was even lonelier than _mine_ , and here I was, throwing a fit about some ornaments, because I didn’t really like the memories they gave me. All along, even if my life wasn’t perfect, I’d at least had my freedom to roam around and do whatever I wanted, but Goku didn’t even have that.

“At the very least,” Hakkai murmured, “he can make a good memory.”

He really knew how to play me, and suddenly I was an asshole, wrecking Goku’s first Christmas with cynical speeches about greed.

A long time passed, and we stood shoulder to shoulder, watching the snow fall. Eventually, Hakkai said, “I don’t fully understand your reasons for the sentiments you have toward a holiday that _was_ originally created in the spirit of thanksgiving and generosity, and I certainly don’t expect you to participate, or even _enjoy_ it, necessarily. I just thought I would apologize for assuming this would be all right with you, and remind you that you’re welcome to join us, if you like.”

I scraped the hair out of my face, muttering, “Am I really throwing that much of a fit about it?”

He smiled. “Not at all. It seems to me that you’re just strangely unnerved by all of this. You should have seen your face when you came in.”

Did Christmas make me nervous? I’d spent so much time being forced to stay outside of it, I wasn’t really expecting to just walk into it out of nowhere.

“I don’t really know what to do,” I admitted.

“You don’t have to do _anything_ , if you don’t feel like it.” He chuckled, like I was being ridiculous. “It’s not as if there’s some quota for Christmas cheer.”

“I don’t wanna bum you guys out.”

“Somehow I doubt you ever possibly could, Gojyo.”

Once again, I looked around the house. No one had ever made me a part of their Christmas Eve before, so maybe it wasn’t just a matter of wandering into it unexpectedly. Maybe I couldn’t get it out of my head that I didn’t belong, and that left me not knowing where to go.

Hakkai spoke up again, like he’d read my thoughts, “Come have some sake with me.”

“I guess. If that’s okay…”

He cocked his head and gave me an odd look, and somehow I knew exactly what he was thinking too. It’s what anyone would think. _Gojyo acts like some abused, little kid_. Maybe someday I’d have to tell him that I was. Used to be.

I almost backed out at the last second, and then he suddenly smiled. “Don’t you know an invitation when you hear one? Stop being so nervous about nothing, and let’s go.”

There wasn’t so much as a hint of mockery in any of that.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the kitchen, where Goku was waiting for us, smiling hugely. Immediately, he got to his feet and thrust a scrap of red construction paper at me. “Here! Merry Christmas!”

Slowly, I took it from him. “Um, thanks.”

The front was decorated with candy canes and drawings of Christmas cake and gingerbread men. He’d written Merry Christmas on it in red and green striped letters. Inside were more doodles of food, trees with lights, snowmen, and weird drawings of him and me standing in the snow, which was his new favorite thing, since I’d shown him that it wasn’t scary. Looking at it made me feel like even more of an asshole than before.

I wrinkled my eyebrows at it. “Not an artist, huh, monkey?”

“Hey, jerkface! I worked on that a long time!”

“No, seriously. You need to work on your proportions and realism and shit.”  
            That confused the living hell out of him. “Wassat?”

I laughed. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Now, now, Gojyo.” Hakkai looked up from heating the sake. “Don’t tease Goku like that—it was very nice of him to make you a card at all.”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot, chimpy.” I grinned and ruffled his hair “Tell ya’ what. I’m gonna stick it over here on the fridge.” I tacked it up with a magnet shaped like a house.

Goku’s scowl melted off right away. “For real? Hey! You should leave it up there forever!”

“Or just until Christmas is over. You know. Whatever makes the most sense.”

“Nah! You should leave it up for as long as I know ya’!”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, we’ll see.” With that, I slumped down into my chair, propping my boots up on the table. “Hey, how come Sanzo’s not here? Don’t tell me he’s too good for a traditional Christmas Eve with the only friends he has.”

“Ah, well…” Hakkai watched over his tokun of sake, carefully. “We tried to convince him to join us, but he said he wasn’t interested in hanging worthless junk off freshly cut trees.”

So Sanzo got out of Christmas. Lucky him.

Goku handed Hakkai his card, which was green—go figure—and my room mate accepted it with a gracious, “Oh, my, thank you, Goku. It’s wonderful.” He reviewed it for what seemed like five minutes too long, probably just to make the kid feel good, and then he hung it on the fridge with mine. By then, Goku was already coloring excitedly on a piece of purple construction paper, which I figured was for Sanzo. I tried to take it from him to look at it, but he just screamed at me and covered it with his whole upper body until Hakkai finally told me to leave him alone.

“Whatever. I don’t wanna know about all your gay feelings for Sanzo anyway.”

“You’re such a jerk, Gojyo!” Goku squawked. “Even on Christmas!”

“Well yeah. I’d never let a stupid, little thing like Christmas stop me.”

“What about all that stuff Hakkai said about good will an’ bein’ nice an’ stuff?”

“It doesn’t apply to monkeys.”

“I’m notta monkey, ya’ mean-ass kappa!”

“You _draw_ like a monkey.”

“Do not! Your card’s way cool! Ya’ didn’t make _me_ a card at all!”  
            “I didn’t have to.”

“Fine, I’ll just take it back!”

“No way, I’m keeping it _forever_ , remember?”

“Ya’ can’t. I want it back now. Now!”

“Good luck getting it.”

“It ain’t like ya’ locked it up or somethin’, it’s right _there._ ”

“You can’t just walk into my house and start taking shit off the fridge like that.”

“It’s _my_ card!”

“No it’s not. Look—it’s got my name on it, right there. I don’t see _your_ name anywhere, monkey boy.”

“Well.” Hakkai said suddenly, pouring himself a choko of sake, “I’d say it’s just about time for the fried chicken.”

Goku shut his mouth for a split second, spun around to face Hakkai, and it fell open again. “Fried chicken?! We get ta’ eat fried chicken?!”

“Of course, of course. It’s a tradition. Everyone eats fried chicken on Christmas Eve. What did you think I’d been cooking all this time?” He was already plating some up.

Goku rushed over and got back in his chair, shoved all his supplies off to the side, and tucked Sanzo’s card away, carefully.

I’d totally forgot that people ate fried chicken on Christmas Eve.

“How come fried chicken?” Goku asked, squirming like he had to piss.

“That’s what they eat on Christmas Eve in the west,” I told him matter-of-factly. “Everybody knows that.”

“Actually, unfortunately, that isn’t exactly true.” Hakkai set a plate of steaming chicken down in front of me. “I believe they’re more partial to roasted turkey as their holiday dinner in the west. The fried Christmas chicken is just a bit of misinformation.”

“I guess you’d know.” I snorted.

Goku was already inhaling his first helping, cramming biscuits and chicken and potatoes in his mouth uncontrollably.

I watched, mildly disgusted, as he tore the crisp skin off a thigh. “Hakkai…you probably shouldn’t have invited the _monkey_ to dinner. He’s gonna’ eat us out of house and home.”

“Nonsense.” My roommate ate his fried chicken very civilly, with a fork and knife. “There’s more than enough for everyone.”

In the end, Goku ate more than half the fried chicken all by himself, and I had to fight just to get a second helping, and then he started going through the cupboards and the fridge, complaining that he was still hungry and whining when I tried to stop him. By the time it was finally over, our kitchen was a mess of dirty dishes and old chicken bones.

“You’re right, as it turned out,” Hakkai murmured, looking around. He was on his fifth or sixth round of sake by then. “I wasn’t exactly prepared for that.”

Goku retrieved Sanzo’s card and went back to work on it. “Christmas is kinda fun. Does it really happen ev’ry year?”

“Every year, at the same time,” I grumbled.

“Next year, I hafta buy presents.”

Hakkai chuckled, “That’s very thoughtful, Goku, but it’s not necessary. I for one believe Christmas is a good time to be grateful for what one already has.”

Goku was quiet a long time, obviously trying to grasp that idea with his tiny, monkey brain.

I thought about it too. I wasn’t totally used to having stuff to be grateful for. Like people, for example. Having people to be grateful for in my life was still strange to me. Every now and then, I caught myself expecting them to just walk out on me without a word, even though, lately, I’d been telling myself that maybe I could afford to expect a little bit more than that from people.

Discreetly, I glanced at Hakkai and Goku. They really didn’t seem like they would ever do something like that to me. Either of them. I would hate to be wrong.

“Oh, look at that,” Hakkai commented. “It looks as if the snow has stopped.”

Goku was on the run again, dashing for the door, stupid Santa hat bobbing as he went. “Let’s go out an’ have a snowball fight, Gojyo!”

“No way,” I blurted.

“Ah, Goku, remember to take your coat.” Hakkai got up to go with him.

“C’mon, Gojyo!” Goku yelled. “I bet I can kick your ass!”

“You wish.” Reluctantly, I found myself following them, and before I knew it, I was standing outside in the snow again. The sky was black as ink, but some of the clouds had cleared away to reveal a pearlescent half-moon. Snow spread thick and pure for as far as the eye could see, and the trees hedging around us were frosted, looking almost blue against the darkness. I took a deep breath of clean air, fog steaming from my mouth and nose.

Goku was ran wild through the trees and around the yard, leaping over stuff and shouting at the top of his lungs. He ran a few tight circles around Hakkai, almost knocking him over, and took off again.

Hakkai just laughed. “He seems to be having a good time.”

“Crazy, little bastard.” I lit a cigarette in hopes of keeping warm, and realized I’d left my jacket inside, like an idiot. “Hopefully he’ll just pass out.”

Still, I watched him, feeling a vague touch of jealousy come back to me as I remembered where I’d been at age fifteen.

No wonder it was hard to think of things to be grateful for.

I turned to my roommate again. “It was cool of you to do this for him.”

Hakkai didn’t flinch. “Perhaps some foolish part of me actually believes I can make up for my sins by doing nice things for others.”

“Woah, dude. Way to be a downer.”

Quietly, he smiled. “I apologize. I just have always had a hard time thinking of things to be thankful for around Christmastime. Still, though. It’s good to see Goku having fun. Somehow it makes me feel as if there might actually be hope.”

“Hope?”

“Hope that everything I’ve ever heard about the joy and meaning of Christmas might actually be true.”

“Wait a minute, don’t tell me you’re not buying into your own shit.”

He laughed. “Well, I’m not necessarily the one who began promulgating it, and no, I can’t say I believe it entirely. However.” He grew serious again and looked up at the sky. “It could be that I’ve found something to be grateful for again.”

“I get that. I—hey, wait.”

He gave me a questioning look.

“Do the people in the town think we’re gay?”

“Who? You and I?” He burst out laughing.

“It ain’t funny, ‘Kai. Bao told me people think we’re doing it.”

“Of course, of course. It’s a very serious matter.” He didn’t even try to stop laughing. “I wonder, why would they think that?”

“Because we live together, and we’re both single and shit…I guess.”

He laughed that much harder. “I’ve never thought of _you_ as being single. You’re with everyone, more or less, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I ain’t with _you_.”

“Personally, I’ve never heard of such a rumor, so I should think that Bao-zhi is just yanking your chain, so to speak.”

“Either way, it’s—”

A hard snowball smacked me upside the head, almost knocking me face forward.

“Goddammit, Goku!” I grabbed my throbbing skull, whipping around to yell at him. “We’re talking—”

Another one hit me square in the face, making my nose sting and getting snow in my eyes.

“You stupid monkey!”

He stood a few yards away, tossing a third snowball in the air and catching it, looking cocky and ridiculous in his purple sweater and his Santa hat. “C’mon, Kappa. Ya’ can’t be pissy all night.”

“Who says I’m pissy?”

“Ya don’t hafta _tell_ me you’re pissy—I can just tell.”

“Ooo, I bet that makes you feel really special, huh?”

“Ev’rybody can tell when you’re pissy. Ya get all weird.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, all weird?”

He smiled and cocked back to throw the third snowball at me.

I dodged to the side, but I wasn’t fast enough, and it hit me right in the chest, soaking my shirt.

“That does it! You’re going down!” I crouched to whip up a snowball and lugged it at him, but it just grazed his ear. “Shit!”

Goku stuck his tongue out at me and took off running.

Scrambling after him, I grabbed another handful to make another ball. The next one hit him in the arm just before he could get behind a tree, and then he was making more too.

We spent a couple of minutes throwing snowballs at each other, chasing each other around and around the house, tripping each other, wrestling in the snow until we were both soaked, and I was really wishing I’d thought to wear my coat out.

“Truce! Truce!” Goku screamed, when I was burying him in the snow.

I let him up with a snort. “That’ll teach you, ya little—”

He threw an armful of powder down the front of my shirt.

“Fuck! Shit! You asshole! What about the truce!” I tried desperately to shake ice out of my shirt.

“You’re just stupid, Goj!” He laughed and knocked me down.

I landed hard, flopping around in the snow while he took off running again, singing out, “Yoooou su-uck, Gojyooooo!”

I put together a sloppy snowball, but it zipped past his head without even rustling his hair.

“Ha-ha! You suck!”

“Shut up, you little prick! I’ve been drinking!”

            “Oh, excuses,” Hakkai sighed, standing over me.

            Climbing to my feet, I glared at him. “I don’t wanna hear it from you. You’ve had more than half that bottle of sake.”

            “And I assure you, I won’t be getting beaned in the head with any wayward snowballs.”

            “We’ll just see about that!” I sprang up and threw a snowball point-blank at his face, but he side-stepped it easily. In fact, he dodged the next five snowballs I threw at him like I was a toddler tossing marshmallows.

            “Goku!” I yelled, missing again, “Let’s get Hakkai!”

            Goku stopped dead in his tracks to gape at me. “You crazy, Kappa? He’ll kill us!”

            “Oh, come on. You’re not scared of _this_ guy, are you?”

            Hakkai stood back, looking totally calm in the blazing, moonlit snow.

            Beside me, Goku hesitated. “Naw, ‘course not… Are _you_?”

            “No. Hell no! Let’s massacre him!” I scooped up some snow, molding it into a compact ball until my hands were aching with cold.

            Just a couple of minutes later, I was limping back inside, hair dripping, shirt sopping wet, shivering fiercely, my head and arms and chest all bruised and sore from getting smacked by so many damn snowballs.

            Goku stumbled next to me, wet hair hanging in his eyes, sweater clinging tightly to his body. He kept wiping his nose. Mine was bleeding.

            “You should have worn your coat.” Hakkai said cheerfully, swaggering in behind us, dry and smug.

            “Shaddup. What kinda machine are you anyway?”

            Goku and I flopped down on the couch, side by side; I scraped wet hair from my eyes, and the kid was getting his nose to stop bleeding. “Hakkai,” he whined after a few minutes, “When’re we gonna eat the cake?”

            I glanced up at Hakkai, who was standing over us like he owned the whole world. “You bought a Christmas cake?”

            “Naturally. They’re common enough to have, don’t you think?”

            I didn’t answer. Mom used to buy really small cakes, just for her and Jien to split, and she’d always made sure he finished it all so I wouldn’t get any. I could still remember how it felt to sit and watch them eat Christmas cake together, to be so excluded from even the basic Christmas traditions. Since then, I’d given up on ever getting to have some.

            Hakkai and Goku were in the kitchen already, Goku chattering away, Hakkai laughing and reminding him to mind his manners.

            Gradually, I rose from the couch, cold hands shoved deep in my pockets, trying to figure out what to say that wouldn’t make me sound really needy and pathetic. “Uh. So…how much’s there?”

            Hakkai responded without turning to me, “How much of what? The cake? I think there should be enough…assuming Goku is able to control himself.”

            I remembered that he hadn’t been expecting me to come home, so I probably shouldn’t expect there to be enough cake to share with me.

            “Cool, so, mind if I just…dunno, try a bite of yours?”

            Hakkai turned around, holding a small plateful of cake and looking confused. “You don’t want your own piece?”

            “Oh. I dunno. Whatever’s convenient for you, dude, I don’t really care.”

            He was giving me this look like I was totally whacko, and he handed the plate to me. “Here.”

            “No, that’s okay. I don’t wanna take your piece or anything.”

            “What in the world are you going on about, Gojyo? That’s yours.”

            I looked down at it. White frosting mimicked the snow outside, and he’d topped it with a strawberry. Even though I wasn’t big on sweets, it looked amazing, like something straight out of a homemaking magazine.

            “Even if I didn’t expect you home tonight, I meant to save some food for you, you know.”

            I couldn’t think of anything normal to say to that wouldn’t be screaming Gojyo has major issues.

            Then again, maybe it wouldn’t exactly matter. In the short time we’d known each other, I’d seen that Hakkai had _tons_ of issues—being an orphan like me and losing Kanan were just the beginning.

            Still, I couldn’t think of any reason for him _not_ to judge me.

            Finally, I shrugged. “Yeah, no. I just didn’t wanna sound like a presumptuous asshole.”

            “Ah, you’re right of course. Expecting your own piece of Christmas Cake is quite a pretentious move.” He handed me a fork.

            Instead of taking a bite, I studied the cake a moment. It was a normal piece of sponge cake, but still…there was something almost forbidden about it. Something that made me wonder if I was actually allowed to have it.

            “Enjoy,” Hakkai said, going to sit down.

            Goku bounced on the back of the couch, the cushion sagging under his weight, and whipped cream and strawberry sauce already spattered the corner of his mouth. “It’s _really_ good. Don’t’cha like cake?”

            “Sure, I like cake. I’m—”

            “So eat it! You’re bein’ so weird, just standing there, lookin’ at it.”

            “Gime’ a break,” I snapped. “Excuse me for not just _absorbing_ it like you did.” I shoveled in a few quick bites so they’d leave me alone. It was as good as it looked.

            Goku smiled big and laughed, crammed the last bite of cake in his mouth and sprang back toward the kitchen. “I’m havin’ seconds!”

            I heard him rattling around, and then it sounded like a dish broke, followed by a low, “Oops.”

            “Stupid monkey.” I slid to the floor to sit with my back against the wall and looked up at Hakkai, who was calmly eating his cake, not concerned about whatever Goku had just broken.

            “Did you have Christmas Cake in the orphanage?” I asked wondered.

            “Hm. No. The sisters were unable to afford it, obviously. Up until I met Kanan, I hadn’t had Christmas Cake since leaving my parents.”

            “Bummer.”

            “Oh, it hardly matters. Christmas Cake is a little too sweet for my tastes, and I see, for yours as well.”

            I glanced down at my piece again, almost expecting it to disappear on its own before I could have any more.

            Goku raced past me, his plate loaded up with more cake than any person should ever have in one sitting. “If Gojyo doesn’t want his, I’ll take it!”

            “Like hell you will. I’m eating it, see?”

            Goku inhaled the rest of his cake, and then started screwing around under the tree. “Hakkai! I wanna open my present! Can I? Can I?”

            Hakkai said soothingly, “All in good time.”

            “What’s in it? Huh? I wanna see!”

            “Well, I can’t very well tell you, can I? It’s a surprise.”

            “So lemme open it! Pleeeease?”

            “Just a moment. I’d like to finish my cake first, if I may. And then I thought it might be fun if we told ghost stories.”

            I leaned my head back against the wall and started smoking. “What do ghost stories have to do with Christmas?”

            “Just a bit of a lesser-known tradition. Ghosts and spirits are a common-running theme in western-type Christmases. However…if you’d rather, I suppose we could all sing carols.”

            “Story,” I decided immediately.

            “Very well, then. Goku, please come and sit down. You can open that later.”

            Goku ran back to the couch to sit beside him, hugging his silver-wrapped present close to his chest and looking way too excited.

            Hakkai finished his own cake, dabbed his mouth with a napkin, set his plate and fork aside, and began his story…

            Fifteen minutes later, I was really, _really_ wishing I’d said caroling instead, staring hard at him, mouth hanging open, feeling like my eyes might pop out of my head, and I think I was even shaking slightly.

            Goku looked totally freaked out too, cowering on the edge of the couch, holding his Christmas present tighter than ever so that the paper was crumpled and the bow was falling off.

            Hakkai finished eerily, “But that all happened a very long time ago, you see, on a distant Christmas Eve from the past.”

            Then he laughed. _Laughed_.

            We were all quiet a moment. I stammered, “W-woah, dude. What did _that_ have to do with _Christmas_? It was freaky as fuck!”

            Hakkai smiled at me, brightly. “It took place on Christmas Eve, of course.”

            “So?! It was still _creepy!_ ” Goku squeaked. “Issit a true story?”

            “I believe some parts of it may be true,” Hakkai said thoughtfully, touching a finger to his chin.

            “Like the part about the dead girl lookin’ for her husband? Or how she haunts ‘im an’ kills ‘im ‘cause she sees him kissin’ another girl under the what-cha-call-it?”

            “Oh, I couldn’t say for sure which parts are true. I do know another one, in which—”

            “No more stories,” I cut in hastily, grinding what was left of my cigarette into my plate. There was still half a piece of Christmas cake on it, and I wasn’t sure I was in the mood for the rest of it now. “That had absolutely nothing to do with Christmas, and _you_ are a creep, Hakkai.”

            My room mate gave me a puzzled look. “Well… I suppose I don’t have to tell another.”

            “Yeah, don’t. Let the kid open his present or something. God _damn._ ” I got up and took my half-eaten cake to the kitchen and poured myself some more sake while I was there. What a ridiculous night. If this was what Christmas Eve was about then I wasn’t even a little sorry that I’d missed out on it until now.

            In the other room, Goku erupted into cheering and laughter.

            I took the sake bottle and went back to see him dancing around the living room, draped in a mid-length, coffee-brown coat with a long scarf, holding a white box up over his head. The wrapping paper and cardboard it had all come out of was strewn across the living room.

            “Candy!” he was screaming, “It’s candy!”

            Hakkai struggled to get his explanation in edgewise, “I rather thought you’d enjoy that. Also, since this is your first winter…er…that is to say, Sanzo informed me that you don’t really have any winter attire to wear, and now that Christmas has come, the real cold weather is going to set in soon.”

            Goku didn’t hear him. Or he didn’t give two fucks about what he’d said. He was in hysterics over ten cheap peppermint sticks from the grocery store.

            My room mate looked up at me with a shrug and an unbothered smile. “I knitted the scarf myself, but then, I suppose that doesn’t matter much, does it?”

            Shrugging back, I sat down on the couch, next to him, offered him the sake, and then slung my arm around his neck when he took it. “Anything labor-intensive is wasted on Goku. You coulda got him a couple packs of candy canes and he’d be ecstatic.”

            “Something to keep in mind for next year, I suppose.”

            “Next year.” I sighed. “Right.”

            “Christmas Eve isn’t really _that_ terrible, now is it?”

            “It’s worse than terrible. Anyway, I can’t believe you knitted him a scarf. That’s sorta weird.”

            “I don’t see why.”

            “Knitting is kinda a chick thing to do, isn’t it?”

            “Oh, I don’t believe so. Traditionally, women do more knitting than men do, but I don’t think it’s completely limited to their sex.”

            “Whatever. Just don’t let the word get around that you sit home and _knit_. People are really going to start to think we’re gay.”

            “Oh. Then you don’t want the sweater I’m knitting you for Valentine’s Day this year? I think it’s rather lovely, personally—it’s white with red hearts, and I’ll make sure to stitch your name on the inside so you don’t lose it.”

            I almost dropped my cigarette as I whipped around to stare at him, horrified. What should I say? Oh, God, please, no? Or should I be polite and pretend that was _okay_?

            Hakkai laughed at me suddenly and smacked me square in the forehead. “Blockhead. I’m not knitting you a sweater for Valentine’s day. We’re not a homosexual couple, after all.”

            I rubbed my head, still looking at him, slightly suspicious. “Uh. Right. No… You sure?”

            “Yes, of course I’m sure. There are many aspects to a homosexual relationship which you and I lack. Anal sex being the most obvious, and also—”

            “No! I mean, you’re _really_ not knitting me a sweater, right? You’re not just…saying that so I’ll think you’re not, or something?”

            Hakkai laughed and laughed and almost fell off the couch, and patted me roughly on the cheek, and just said, “Oh, Gojyo.”

            But he never answered me.

            Around that time, Goku finally got over the excitement of his candy and was paying attention to us again. “What’s so funny, guys?”

            “Hakkai’s a fuckin’ comedian,” I grumbled, and then asked, a little more desperately, “Seriously, ‘Kai, you’re not, right?”

            Before he could answer, someone banged on our door, firmly, like they were on official business.

            “Shit.” I jumped up, sloshing sake on my shirt as I turned to the door. “What’re the cops doing here?”

            “I highly doubt it’s the cops, Gojyo,” Hakkai chided.

            “They, _knock_ like the cops.”

            “What’dya think they want?” Goku asked, pressing close to me.

            I glanced around the house, but it was just Christmas shit as far as the eye could see. “Fuck it… It’s not like I’ve got something to hide anyway…”

            Hakkai sighed and stood up. “It isn’t the police.” He went to answer the door while Goku and me watched anxiously.

            “Do th’ cops come ta’ your house a lot?” the monkey asked.

            “Not recently,” I muttered. Not since that damn Banri took off.

            Hakkai shook his head. “For the last time, you two, it’s not the police. What on earth would they want at this time of night, on Christmas Eve, no less?” He opened the door to reveal Sanzo, standing there looking as cold and pale and inviting as the snow itself. “Oh. Good evening.” Hakkai bowed.

            I relaxed and took a sharp drag off my cigarette. “It’s just the only damn thing _worse_ than the cops. What the hell’re you doing here?”

            Sanzo answered stonily, “I came for my monkey, obviously.”

            “ _Your_ monkey, now, huh?”

            He glared at me. “What else would I want? You think I just stopped by for a friendly visit? It’s goddamn cold out here, so let’s go, Goku.”

            “Aww, Sanzo! Why?” The kid ducked behind me. “I thought I was gonna spend the night! I gotta stay up and put out cookies an’ milk for Santa-San.”

            Sanzo blinked incredulously, and then he gave me the _dirtiest_ fucking look. “What the hell kinda crap have you been telling him, Kappa?”

            “Me!?” I yelled. “Hakkai’s the one who got ‘im to put this crap up all over the house! And besides, he said he doesn’t believe in Santa-San, right Goku?”

            I heard the kid laugh, but he didn’t answer.

            “Anyway, who the hell are _you_ to barge into my house and start pointing fingers?”

            The dirty look didn’t go away. Sanzo mumbled under his breath, “Bastard.” With that, he stepped into the house, shaking snow off his robes and gazing disdainfully around the living room. “Unbelievable.”

            “Yeah. _Your_ monkey did it.”

            “Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!” Goku shoved past me suddenly and ran to him. “Looky! I made ya’ a card!”

            Sanzo took it and looked at it a while, not saying anything.

            “I made it for ya! Cool, yeah? We don’t have a fridge to put it on, but Hakkai said maybe you’d put it up on your desk.”

            Sanzo just sighed. “If I have to.”

            “Yay! An’ look at my cool presents! Hakkai gave me candy canes! There’sa peppermint one, an’ a blueberry one, an’ a melon-flavored one, an’…strawberry, maybe? You want one? You can have one if ya want. An’ look! He gave me a coat an’ a scarf too! Now I won’t get so cold when we walk around outside! Didja see our snowman? Isn’t he cool? We made a gingerbread house! We decorated this tree! We…”

            Goku went on, listing off the rest of the cool stuff he and Hakkai had done, and Sanzo just stood there and listened to it. I expected him to lose his temper and go off at any given second, but he didn’t, and when it was over, he glared at Hakkai and growled, “You can’t do this next year.”

            Coolly, my roommate replied, “I rather thought not. Nevertheless, I have something for you as well, Sanzo.”

            He handed Sanzo a big box wrapped in gold paper, and then he had to practically beg the guy to open it. By the time he finally convinced him, I’d almost lost interest in knowing what in the hell Hakkai had gotten for Sanzo.

            It really _was_ a sweater. Not red and white with hearts—thank God—but red and green and white, with reindeer and Christmas trees on it. I was pretty sure his name was stitched into the back too. Sanzo and I stared at it, and I’m not sure who was more horrified.

            Hakkai just smiled pleasantly. “I knitted it myself.”

            Sanzo’s eye twitched as he looked up. “You knit?”

            “Oh, occasionally. It gives me something to do while my husband is out.” He laughed.

            “I hate you, Hakkai,” I grumbled, very faintly.

            “In any case, Sanzo, I’ll be happy to see you wearing it when I come to call tomorrow morning.”

            Sanzo looked like he didn’t have a fucking clue what to say to that. The horrified look was still plastered all over his face, so he just turned to Goku. “Let’s go.”

            Again, the kid whined. “I really can’t stay?”

            The way Sanzo looked between Hakkai and me, you’d think we were a pack of deranged lunatics. “No. Absolutely not.”

            “’Kay!” Goku pulled his new coat on again, wrapping his scarf around his neck.

            Hakkai got him some leftover Christmas cake and wished them both a Merry Christmas, Goku said thank you and goodbye, waved at me, shouting out, “’Night, Gojyo! Merry Christmas! Go finish your cake, okay?”

            Sanzo yanked him through the door, muttering curses and hauling his awful sweater with him. He slammed the door on his way out.

            Hakkai burst into laughter.

            I turned to stare at him.

            “What a fun time, don’t you think? I certainly hope Sanzo enjoys his sweater.”

            “You…You are really messed up.”

            His eyes glittered. “Do you think so?”

            “That thing you gave Sanzo… That _monstrosity_. What is wrong with you?”

            “Come now, Gojyo, you’re hurting my feelings a little. I’d be sad to find that Sanzo thinks the same way of my gift.” The smile fell from his face, but the mischievous gleam lingered in his eye.

            “That’s what makes you so fucking crazy.” All that, just to _fuck_ with Sanzo. Unless he actually thought it was a nice gift.

            With Hakkai, who the hell could say?

            We were quiet, and Hakkai slipped away to clean up the kitchen. I watched the door, thinking it was suddenly too quiet. “Weird.”

            “I beg your pardon?” Hakkai called from the other room.

            “I said it’s weird…that Sanzo came and took him away like that. Is it really a big deal for him to spend the night?”

            “Oh, I don’t think so. Sanzo was probably just lonely.”

            “Yeah right.” I snorted. “That guy’s a wall.”

            “You don’t believe Sanzo gets lonely?”

            “Like I just said.”

            “Hm. Well, I can’t say that I agree. I think Sanzo is a bit more like you than you realize.”

            “What? How? I’m nothing like that jerk.”

            “Don’t be concerned about it. All I mean is that, I don’t think it would be terribly shocking to learn that Sanzo had missed Goku today while he was here with me. It is Christmas after all.”

            “Sanzo doesn’t celebrate Christmas. Does he?”  
            “No, of course not. Just because he doesn’t celebrate it doesn’t mean he wants to be alone throughout it.”

            “I’m lost.” I flopped down on the couch again. I guess now it was just a normal night. No more presents or ghost stories or games. Just another lame night in the lame life of Gojyo. How ridiculous—as soon as I started getting used to the idea of having Christmas in my house, it was gone.

            “Hey, Hakkai,” I called. “What do people do on Christmas Day?”

            “Call on friends. Exchange more gifts. Whatever they please, I suppose. I don’t think it’s quite as commercialized and hyped up as Christmas Eve is.”

            When I was a kid, I’d seen people going to work and to school on Christmas Day.

            He rattled around in the kitchen, and I stared at the tree a while.

            _Stupid Christmas Eve._

Hakkai came back, carrying a pair of beers, and offered one to me. “The sake is gone,” he explained.

            I sat up to take the bottle. “Wanna go get a drink with me tomorrow?”

            He sat down on the arm of the couch and cocked his head at me. “I thought you were concerned about everyone thinking we’re gay.”

            “Yeah, but we’re not.”

            “I know we’re not.”

            “I mean, who cares what they think, right?”

            “You seem to.”

            I ran my hand through my hair. “I don’t.”

            “Did people think you and Banri were together?”

            “I dunno. Guess not.”

            “I see. Then it must have something to do with me, correct?”

            Easy to think that, with him knitting shit and cooking and shopping and keeping house, cleaning up after me and feeding me. Banri never did any of that.

            _Banri was such a dick._

I stared over at the window where I could vaguely make out my shimmering reflection, all red and ragged and unnatural.

_Hakkai always accepts me exactly the way I am._

            Suddenly, I didn’t want to make fun of Hakkai for any of that. I probably would, later, when I was in a better mood and things didn’t matter so much, but tonight was too strange.

            “Dude, Hakkai.” I got up suddenly. “You can kick anybody’s ass on this side of the mountain.”

            He seemed caught off guard by that, eyes widening, beer hovering halfway to his lips. “I suspect that’s true…”

            “You’re one bad ass motherfucker, even _with_ the knitting, so you don’t have to care what people think, and if you don’t care, I don’t care. They can think whatever they want—fuck ‘em.”

            He was quiet a little longer, like he was waiting for me to say something else.

            I struggled to fill the silence. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the snow outside or the tree in the corner. “I…I can’t afford to care about what people think…” I said, a little more quietly. “Whether people think we’re gay or not…if you go somewhere else, I’m on my own.”

            “I know you hate that,” he returned softly, and then his brow wrinkled, and he gave me a hard look. “Why are you talking like this right now? I don’t recall saying I would leave, and I don’t see what any of this has to do with us being gay or with knitting, or with anything, really. We’re not gay. I do knit. You’re not on your own right now. What does any of it matter, Gojyo?”

            “I don’t know…I didn’t want you to think I’m ashamed to be friends with you.”

            “Well, I know that you aren’t.”

            Feeling sort of stupid, I nodded and sat down again. “Sorry.”

            Hakkai took a quick look around the room. “You seem rather unhinged tonight.”

            “Sorry. Yeah. Christmas pisses me off…a lot.”

            “I’ve always hated Christmas.”

            I blinked at him. “You have?”

            “Yes. The generosity…the goodwill…the stories and the gifts and the traditions…it’s always seemed so fake and worthless to me. When I was a child, I thought it was absurd that everyone would act so benevolent and merciful on just one night when anyone could plainly see what a heartless world we actually live in. It all just seemed so terribly fake. Perhaps though, it was because I couldn’t experience it for what it truly was, with a family of my own. When I look back on it now though, I see how foolish that was: I was shown nothing but kindness and generosity by the sisters and by the townspeople and by the other orphans. I was too blind to see their sincerity is all. I suppose I don’t hate Christmas any more, but it tends to annoy me as well. Especially now that Kanan is gone.” He took a swig of beer. “There are a lot of things that don’t make any sense, and it’s difficult to celebrate and be thankful when you don’t have anything.”

            Again, I felt like an asshole, acting like I was the only one who had some reason to be upset.

            Suddenly, he got up, went to the tree, and snagged something up off the floor, turned to toss it to me, and I nearly spilled my beer trying to catch it.

            I turned it over in my hand. It was a box about the size of a pack of cigarettes, but heavier, wrapped in red paper with white ribbon, and a little tag with my name on it. “What is it?”

            He shrugged. “I’m afraid I can’t remember.”

            I slanted a glance up at him. “Did you knit it?”

            “Yes, Gojyo.” He sighed, and he didn’t sound teasing or cheerful now, just tired. “I knitted you a coaster. Will you just open it, please?”

            I hesitated and kept looking at him. “Is this what Christmas is about?”

            “I have no idea, and I don’t especially care. All I know is that if you don’t open that, I’m going to kick you in the face.”

            With a quick gulp of my beer, I set it down to tear the wrapping from the box in a single shred, revealing a black case labeled Zippo. I hesitated again to look at him. “I didn’t get you anything.”

            Hakkai shook his head at me. “Then I guess you’d better give it back.”

            He still didn’t sound like he was kidding, but I knew he didn’t mean that, so I flipped the lid off the case and took the lighter out. It was small, but it had a good weight to it. A cross was etched on the front.

            “Why a cross?”

            “I’m facetious like that. I thought it would be suiting, considering your heathenistic mindset, your lack of morals, and your debaucherous lifestyle.”

            I turned it over to see that my initials had been engraved on the back. S.G.

            A long time passed, and I couldn’t think of a damn good thing to say, even though a lot of shit went through my mind.

            _Nobody’s ever given me something like this before…wrapped up and everything. Like an actual gift._

            _I’m just gonna lose this. I always lose lighters._

_You’ll have to try not to, idiot._

_Nobody’s ever gotten me a present. Not for Christmas, not for anything._

_Jien doesn’t count—he was my brother._

_I wonder if this was expensive—I wonder if it cost more than Goku’s shit. I wonder if that even matters._

_No one’s ever done something this_ nice _before…_

_Why did he do this?_

Finally, I looked at him again, and he was just watching me, probably waiting for a thank-you.

            “I don’t understand.”

            “I thought you probably didn’t.”

            “Does that make me a total dumbass?”

            “In a way…”

            “Well, it doesn’t make sense.” I couldn’t help sounding frustrated. “I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t expect it. I don’t even…deserve it, really. So why?”

            Hakkai sighed and came back across the room to stand in front of me, body silhouetted against the backlight of the Christmas tree. “It’s just a present, Gojyo. I did it because I felt like it. If you don’t want it, I can take it back, but I don’t think it’s that you don’t _want_ it. I do wonder why you think you don’t deserve it, though. Did you not watch me give something to everyone else who wandered through that door this evening?”

            “Yeah, but they…”

            “They don’t deserve what I gave them any more than you do. I did this because I’m grateful to the three of you— _for_ the three of you—and I cannot begin to repay any of you for what you’ve done.” He smiled slightly, sadly. “Even you.”

            “ _Even_ me?” I snorted.

            The smile seemed even sadder. He set his hand on my shoulder and leaned down so we were eye-to-eye. “You know…you’re the only one who’s convinced of how unworthy and disgusting you are, so will you just keep the thing and try not to lose it?”

            I could barely raise my voice to answer him, and I felt dangerously close to losing myself to emotions that I’d suppressed and buried and ignored and fought against for almost my whole life. “Yeah. I swear. Nobody’s ever…done this before. For me.”

            “I can see that.”

            “Thanks, man.”

            His gaze stayed set on mine, serious and honest. “You’re welcome.” He let go of my shoulder.

            I felt the inexplicable urge to grab onto him and fisted my hand in the front of his shirt. “Hakkai…I’m sorry. I’ve been a dick all night.”

            A smile scraped at his lips. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’ve been fine.”

            “I really don’t know what to say.”

            “Then let me say something, all right?”

            “Anything.” I felt almost like I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t believe how emotional a stupid lighter was making me. I sort of felt like whatever he was going to say had to be meaningful and profound and important.

            “I’ve learned something very recently, and I’m still figuring out how to live my life by it; until tonight, I was under the assumption you had already realized this, but…I thought I would share it with you, in case you hadn’t noticed it yourself. And that is that things don’t have to be the way they were when we were children.”

            I rolled that through my mind, trying to make myself believe it.

            “They don’t,” he repeated quietly, fingers brushing quickly over my scars. “Whatever it was like before, whatever happened, whatever makes you think you don’t deserve something as simple and common as this, let it go.”

            I almost said easy for you to say, but I knew that wasn’t. I knew Hakkai would have trouble with that exact same thing for the rest of his life.

            “Okay…” I husked. Okay, meaning I would try, because he could be right, and it might be the only thing I could do anymore.

            Hakkai stood up again. “Merry Christmas.”

            “Thanks…”

            “It’s really nothing.”

            I hesitated again and lowered my gaze back to the lighter in the palm of my hand. “It’s not nothing to me, dude.”

            “I know, but…you saved my life, so to me, this is just a very small gesture, the slightest indication of gratitude and affection.”

            “I guess I forgot I did that.”

            “Try not to. It’s very important. At any rate, all this Christmas cheer is beginning to take its toll on me. I think I’ll step out for some air.” Already he was putting his coat on with a flourish, and then he was out the door.

            I sat a moment longer, thinking, and then I followed him, taking the lighter with me.

            Hakkai stood in the middle of the yard, perfectly still, head thrown back to look straight up at the moon. He looked dark against the snow on the ground, frosty breath flowing from his nose, and I thought he looked pretty damn lonely in a way.

            Lighting a new cigarette, I picked my way over to him. “What’re you looking for?”

            “Indeed,” he murmured.

            I looked up too. “Is something magical supposed to happen or what?”

            “I’d be very surprised to see anything magical…however, I thought I might catch a glimpse of a shooting star, if I watched long enough.”

            “Why, you need to wish for something? I guess nobody got you anything back, huh?” I felt a little low and guilty for that. I mean, I didn’t know he was going to give me something; if I _had_ …

            “Ah, oh well.” He turned his head to smile at me. “Life is strange, don’t you think? We go through stages so often, at times I feel as if I enter new stages of life without even realizing it, sometimes for better…and sometimes for worse.”

            “It’s a real roller coaster,” I grumbled sarcastically.

            He sighed and tucked his hands into his pockets. “Here and now seems rather agreeable, doesn’t it?”

            I glanced around at the lit up house and tree and the snowman wearing my scarf.

            Hakkai all but murmured, “I hope this particular stage of life lasts quite a long time.”

            It wasn’t a great time of life for him: Kanan _just_ died, he didn’t have any family or a lot of friends, or anything really going on, he didn’t have a career or even a good job, or a lot of nice stuff, and as far as I knew, he was super depressed half the time.

            “It gets a lot better than this, you know,” I reminded him.

            He held my gaze a long time, steadily, and it looked like he was going to say something, but he kept stopping himself. Finally, he smiled. “It gets much worse too.”

            Couldn’t argue with that.

            I gave my lighter a flick and half-smiled to myself.

            _Things don’t have to be like they were when we were kids._

           


	6. Mission Five--Quitting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he realizes his new life is just as bloody as the old one, Hakkai tries to get back to get back to a peaceful existence.

 

            Letting my final opponent slump to the ground, I lifted my head. The light of the full moon was pure silver, making everything look as if it were dusted in frost, and the shadows of the alley way were deep as mouths, enough to hide some of the corpses, but not all. It would only take a single passerby to see what had happened here.

            Typically, the jobs Sanzo handed over to us were above the common idea of the law, under the jurisdiction of the Three Aspects of Buddhism, so to speak; and yet it wasn’t always possible to handle these situations in a manner that would placate the law or the typically peaceful Buddhists. Should anyone catch us standing over a dozen dead bodies, we’d be in quite a bit of trouble.

            Flicking my limiter cuffs, I considered the labor intensity it would require to hide them all. Normally, having a bloody showdown in public would be out of the question, but Gojyo had been in a hurry, per usual, and had sprung the trap too early.

            I turned to watch him saunter toward me, spewing a thin cloud of cigarette smoke and stepping over the dead men easily. “That was a rush,” he drawled, half-sarcastically. “They weren’t so tough.”

            Keeping my temper now was the real struggle. Snapping at Gojyo would launch us into a shouting match, and that would only draw more attention to the scene. “However, killing them here may not have been the best idea.”

            “Yeah.” He rested his elbow on my shoulder, and even though I felt annoyed, I allowed it. I’d noticed how it insulted Gojyo to have Sanzo rebuff the exact same gesture. “Sanzo didn’t say there was any place in particular we were supposed to do it, did he?”

            “Not as such, but I would rather not incite an investigation in this town.” The authorities would never believe we’d done all this at the behest of a Sanzo priest.

            “Let ‘em investigate. Sanzo can cover for us.”

            “You may recall, Sanzo didn’t instruct us to kill them.”

            Gojyo sighed and removed his arm from my shoulder. “Fine. What’dya wanna do?”

            It took almost two hours to transport all the bodies to a secluded location and bury them; it was exhausting and tedious, and we both grew more frustrated by the moment until any time one of us opened our mouth to speak the other would snap at him.

            When the last man had been buried, I was just aggravated enough to blame the ordeal on Gojyo’s lack of tact, and he was quick to reply that I should get bent. As he walked away, I hesitated to study the graves, making sure they were well-hidden under the brush. With any luck, no one would ever find them.

            Next, I examined my hands.

            Under the moonlight, my flesh appeared perfectly white, and my fingers and palms were caked both in black mud and dried crimson, an all-too familiar sight which reminded me that, once, I hadn’t been so cautious.

            A chill shot down my spine.

 

_“You promised you would stop.”_

Strangling a cry, I sat straight up in bed, clutching fast at my blankets as Kanan’s voice echoed in my head. I even blurted out her name and felt the bedding beside me, finding it cool and empty.

            Several moments passed before I was able to calm down, and the nightmare faded quickly, but I remembered its message easily enough.

            _You promised you would stop…_

Uneasily, I glanced around at my moonlight-flooded bedroom. I’d been in such a rush to get to bed I must have forgotten to close my curtains; outside, the moon dipped low toward the western horizon, and the night lay perfectly still, save me, still breathing hard in my bed. The dream rattled in my head like a loose screw.

            Automatically, I checked my hands. I’d scrubbed them to the point of bleeding, and even though they looked clean now, they still felt filthy and undeserving.

            I did promise to stop, and I thought I had. I was doing my best to be someone new. Someone better.

            _You’re not doing a very good job, killing men who’ve never wronged you, hiding bodies in the dead of night._

It seemed I’d turned to a lifestyle more violent than ever.

            Hypocrite. I did Sanzo’s bidding, disposing of murderous criminals, thinking disparagingly of them, when in truth I was one of them.

            _That’s not true. I left that behind—I’m not Cho Gonou anymore. I’m Cho Hakkai._

Yet, if Hakkai turned out to be as murderous as Gonou had been, what had been the point in even changing my name?

            Shoving back the blankets, I rose and padded into the hall, looking for respite from those thoughts.

            Along the way, I hesitated in Gojyo’s open doorway to observe him, passed out face down and still clad in the soiled clothes he’d worn to bury dead criminals. His mud coated boots marred the sheets.

            Wonderingly, I shook my head. His behavior might always be a mystery, but I supposed that was fair since, I assumed, mine was equally baffling to him.

            _At least he’s fortunate enough to not wake up screaming from God-awful nightmares._

Lightly, I pulled his door shut and went on my way, wrestling with my unhappy thoughts. I found myself in the kitchen, washing dishes I hadn’t gotten a chance to deal with earlier. It was good to clean something.

            I wanted a clean life. But even if I changed my name a thousand times I would still be the same dark-hearted person. My only solution would be to swear off violence altogether and take up a life of peace.

            _I’ve tried that and failed._

I should have gone to live with Sanzo at Keiun, shaved my head, and become a monk. Perhaps following a path of Buddhism I could have grown to a point where I wouldn’t even crush a cockroach.

            Sanzo didn’t give me that option though. He’d offered to let me live at Keiun when I was first absolved of my crimes, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t eventually have turned to me to carry out these sordid missions. As he’d said, it’s what I was good for.

            Sanzo wasn’t the one who made me go back on my vow of peace though, I knew that. I’d declined his offer to apprehend the treasure thieves, and he couldn’t force me to change my mind, not even with everything I owed him. I knew in my heart the real reason I’d returned to this violent lifestyle.

            Yes, I could be somewhere far away by now, making a new life or myself, utilizing one of my various degrees, but Gojyo would be dead.

            I shut my eyes, letting the dish water run over my hands, and I could still remember how it felt to walk into that room of degenerates and see that gun pressed to his forehead. There had been a second of shock at finding him in such lethal danger, followed by an immediate panic, and then that dreadful, familiar feeling of knowing I was about to lose someone important.

            He may or may not understand what I’d given up the night I saved his life, but regardless, I couldn’t pretend none of that had happened. I couldn’t ignore the way it placed me back at square one.

            I shut off the water and sat down with a plate of leftovers. I hadn’t eaten since lunch, but the food tasted like dust to me, and I only barely nibbled off it.

            As the sun began to rise, my thoughts continued to haunt me.

            _Why can’t I pretend that never happened?_

The idea came to me like a scent in the air, intriguing and seemingly forbidden.

            No one could deny I’d had a very difficult decision to make on that fateful night. Even Sanzo, when I’d described the event to him in private, hadn’t trivialized Gojyo’s life or acted like I’d made a mistake. He’d merely nodded heavily and muttered, “You came to a crossroads.”

            And indeed I had. In one direction, my life of tranquility beckoned to me. In the other, I was horribly alone and ridden with guilt for the rest of my days. Ultimately though, I hadn’t gone back on the vow I’d made to myself as Cho Hakkai out of a sense of guilt, I’d gone back on it because Gojyo’s existence was the cornerstone of my life as Cho Hakkai in the first place. I’d challenge anyone to hold that against me.

            That happened almost a year ago though. Gojyo was alive, and he’d stay that way a while longer if I could help it. And yet I continued to live by the sword without any real excuse.

            Perhaps I could excuse myself by saying there was likely something wrong with me all along and this was simply the way things were meant to be.

            But why shouldn’t I be able to simply renew that promise I’d made, give up the life I led now, and start anew with tranquility in mind?

            I allowed myself a grim smile. After all, I didn’t want to hurt people, so the simple answer was to stop. How hard could that be?

            As the morning matured and I got on with my usual chores, I continued to mull the idea over. When Gojyo got up at half past noon, I chose not to mention it to him. We walked to Keiun to report to Sanzo, and I did my best to act normally.

            We went through our usual routine. Gojyo bickered with Goku while I gave Sanzo the details of last night’s mission. I mentioned how we’d had to hide the bodies before we left, and Goku, innocent as he was, found it extremely funny. Sanzo though was quick to rebuke.

            He scowled directly at me, shouldering me with all the blame. “Wouldn’t it be nice if just once you guys could complete something in an orderly fashion? The last thing I need is for this to come back around on me someday.”

            “I understand, Sanzo,” I said at once. “And I apologize. In the future, I’m sure Gojyo will try to be more tactful.”

            Gojyo thought I was teasing him, having no idea that last night had been our last mission together.

            “What’s the big deal?” he griped. “We got the job done—so it was a little messier than it coulda been. Nobody’s gonna look for a gang of thieves.”

            “Perhaps not,” I agreed quietly. “In any case, we must be going now.”

            “Hold it, Hakkai,” Sanzo called before I could get far. “There’s something else.”

            I held my breath. “Already, Sanzo?”

            “Call it part two.”

            “I was afraid of that,” I admitted.

            “Part two my ass,” Gojyo scoffed. “Those guys’re all dead.”

            Reluctantly, I turned to him. “Their leader… I don’t believe he was there last night.”

            Gojyo rolled his eyes. “Go figure.” He turned to Sanzo. “So where is he?”

            Sanzo proceeded to describe where we should go and what we should do next, detailing the nature of the man’s crimes, and I listened half-horrified. Apparently the Three Aspects wanted him brought back alive—the same way they’d wanted me—but Sanzo said we could do as we saw fit with whatever was left of his henchmen. By the time he’d finished, I felt sick and trapped. The resolution I’d made in the morning would be pointless if I set out on this mission.

            When Sanzo was finished, I stayed silent, wishing I could forget everything he’d said.

            “When’s this gotta be done by?” Gojyo asked when it was clear I had no intention of speaking up.

            “Tomorrow, if possible. As quickly as you can, really.”

            That meant another long evening of killing and another sleepless night.

            Gojyo lifted his eyebrows at me. “My schedule’s clear if yours is.”

            I left Keiun in a daze, and I was silent most of the way home. It was a cool, spring afternoon, and the woods were alive with the cries of birds and the chattering of squirrels. I did my best to sink into the ambient sounds of nature, desperate to escape my thoughts.

            “What’s up?” Gojyo asked eventually.

            “I’m just thinking. Doesn’t it bother you?”

            “Hell, you know how I feel about taking orders from Sanzo.” He smirked. “Can’t he do _any_ of this shit by himself?”

            “It isn’t Sanzo’s involvement that bothers me. I meant, doesn’t it bother you? All this senseless violence.”

            Gojyo looked ahead, thoughtfully, and lit a cigarette. “I mean, most of the time they deserve it, don’t they? We deal with a lot of serious freaks.”

            “Then you think of us as some sort of champions of justice.”

            His expression hardened into confusion. “You and me? Not really.”

            “Killing a killer doesn’t absolve you from killing. That’s a law of karma. Just like two wrongs don’t make a right.”

            “I guess I don’t think too much about it,” he admitted. “Even Sanzo doesn’t act like we’re heroes, Hakkai. He sends us to do the dirty shit so he can keep his robes clean.”

            “And you’re okay with that?”

            Gojyo shrugged. “Like I said, not really.”

            “Then why do we do it?”

            At last, he stopped where he was, and I paused also, turning to see the probing expression on his face. “What are you saying, Hakkai?”

            I adjusted my glasses, surprised to find I felt nervous. He never had liked running errands for Sanzo, and there was no reason he should be anything other than happy to hear I’d decided we should discontinue this venture. Obviously he wouldn’t go and do any of this alone.

            “I’m saying we should stop doing this,” I admitted quietly.

            With a ferociously analytical gaze, he continued to study me. “Why?”

            “Why should we continue? We’re young, we have our health and our whole lives ahead of us. Why should we risk any of that to go out and spill blood when neither of us views it as justice?”

            Gojyo sighed and raked his fingers through his hair, suddenly staring off to the edge of the path. “Okay, look. If this is about my screw up from last night, I’m sorry. I know that’s not how it was supposed to go.”

            It didn’t surprise me at all to hear him so ready to assume the fault for my decision. At times, he seemed almost eager to accept the blame for things, and I hadn’t quite concocted a good reason for why that might be. All the same, I smiled at him.

            “I’ll be more careful next time. Is that what you wanna hear?”

            “It’s not about that. Even if my plan had worked out perfectly, chances are we still would have resorted to killing those men; if we hadn’t, they would have killed us. That’s the issue I take with any of this—we continue to put ourselves in these predicaments where it’s kill or be killed, and I see no reason why we should.”

            “I still don’t get it,” he admitted, sounding almost irritated. “Just tell it to me straight, Hakkai—what are you talking about?”

            “Quitting, obviously.”

            His eyes widened at those words. “Quit? Are we allowed to quit?”

            “We can do whatever we want, Gojyo. We’re adults.”

            Still, he looked uncertain.

            I began walking again. “The fact of the matter is, I came here to start a new life based around peace and simplicity, but so far my new life has been just as sordid as the old one. It doesn’t have to be though. I may as well quit while I’m ahead and begin living the way I promised myself. The life she would want for me.” I stared down at my hands, waiting for him to answer.

            Gojyo stayed quiet a long time, and I felt him studying me. Just when I was sure he had nothing to say, he spoke up. “That’s it then? You’re just done?”

            “I think so, yes.”

            “Shit man, you coulda warned me.”

            “I only recently decided.”

            As he faced forward again, he chewed his cigarette and then suddenly changed the subject.

            It caught me off guard, but not knowing what more to say, I listened to him ramble the rest of the way home, and it wasn’t until we were back in the living room, stripping off our jackets, that I said, “I must admit, you’re not reacting quite the way I expected you would.”

            “About quitting? I’m just surprised.”

            “C’mon, Gojyo,” I prompted, not without irritation. “It’s more than that.”

            He shrugged and ventured into the kitchen to pour himself a drink. “Everything you said about it makes sense, and I’m not gonna tell you what to do.”

            “But?” I followed him insistently.

            “But nothing. It’s your life. If you wanna quit, quit.”

            Everything he said should have eliminated my doubts, and he even shot me a grin, as if everything was fine, but I couldn’t help questioning his response. I really had expected Gojyo to be a little more exuberant over the idea of letting Sanzo’s request fall to the wayside.

            Regardless, he changed the subject, I let it go, and we didn’t discuss it further for several days, though Gojyo did hint every here and there that he expected me to change my mind.

            Nearly a week passed though, and I was determined to adhere to my resolution. I thought that choice would help me to feel better about myself, but my mind continued to brim with heavy thoughts, and dark dreams haunted my sleep. I was afraid Sanzo would convince me to go back to work, and the idea of spilling more blood only reminded me of the lives I’d taken in the past. On more than one occasion, I awoke from a nightmare and had to rise in the middle of the night to wash my hands in broiling water. Before long my skin began to chap and crack and even bleed.

            Disturbing as it was, I had no idea how to dispel that feeling of being unclean, and all I could do was stand and watch the hot water burn me, and then tend to my injured hands with salve and adhesive bandages. Clearly something inside me was threatening to go awry, and it frightened me, further solidifying the notion that I had to discontinue this lawless way of life.

            Though I did my best to hide that physical indication of my distress, Gojyo noticed more quickly than I’d expected. Several days had passed since I announced my intentions to quit, and he shambled into the kitchen, where I was having my tea and reading, trying to ease my weary mind. He looked tired and hung over, but as he took the seat across from mine, he studied my hands, resting on the table.

            “What’s going on with you?” he asked, lighting his cigarette.

            “Oh, nothing really,” I replied casually. “I was out this morning to do some light shopping. I suppose if I’m going to have to scrimp by on my cram school earnings we’ll have to tighten our belts a little, but I picked up the essentials. I don’t have work today, so I may go out and start searching for another part-time job.”

            “Cool.” He dragged on his cigarette, pausing, and I hoped he’d let it go. Instead, he gestured to my hands. “But I was talking about that, Hakkai.”

            “They’re just dry,” I muttered, trying to focus on my reading.

            “From you scrubbing the hell out of them?”

            I tried to smile, even though I was annoyed that he’d bother to point it out. It was just a little phase, I thought. It would pass. “Cleanliness is next to godliness, after all.”

            With uncharacteristic solemnity, he pointed out, “You’re an atheist, aren’t you?”

            “It’s just an expression, but yes, I _was_ until I was apprehended by the gods themselves.”

            “’Kay, so _anyway_ , that’s not really normal.” He indicated again to my hands. “My point is, you’re—”

            Fortunately, he was interrupted. Unfortunately, it was because Sanzo barged through the door without knocking, looking furious.

            “What in the hell do you two assholes think you’re doing?” he snarled, stomping up to me, words dripping with agitation.

            Truthfully, I had expected him to be along sooner, though I hadn’t expected him to be so irritated, but I smiled up at him. “Good morning, Sanzo. Care for some tea?”

            Gojyo gave him a bleary-eyed glare. “Would it kill you to knock?”

            Before Sanzo could reply to either of us, Goku stuck his head through the door, looking worried, but his face brightened as soon as he saw us. “Hey! You guys’re okay!”

            “’Course we are chimpy.” Gojyo got up to retrieve a cold beer and pressed it to his forehead, and I was concerned he was about to crack it open. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

            “Don’t call me chimp, ya lazy—”

            Sanzo barked, “You’re both lazy. What the hell are you doing? Why did you cop out on me?” I noticed he directed the bulk of his frustration at me.

            With a sigh, I laid my book aside and tucked my hands into the sleeves of my sweater. “I assume you’re referring to the errand you wanted us to run?”

            “And we assumed you were both dead, seeing how you never came back.” He leveled a ferocious scowl on me, and I knew he was seething.

            “I apologize,” I said in a placating voice. “You’re right—we should have informed you we weren’t going to do it.”

            His glare worsened and he suddenly pointed at Gojyo. “He _is_ lazy, but I thought I could rely on _you_ , Hakkai.”

            Gojyo muttered a few rude names at Sanzo under his breath.

            Meanwhile, I struggled to keep an even tone. “Well, I’m sorry to have betrayed your trust, but it’s not as if we simply had a fit of juvenile delinquency.”

            “That’s how it looks. After almost a year, why would I just assume you weren’t going to do what I told you one day?”

            Gojyo stood up suddenly, looking peevish himself.

            “Gojyo,” I counseled softly, “don’t—”

            He ignored me. “Who died and made you the boss anyway? Last I checked, we’ve been doing you a favor.”

            “People don’t get paid for favors, dumb ass,” Sanzo snapped back.

            “The point is, we don’t hafta do shit for you if we don’t wanna.”

            Sanzo bared his teeth. “Oh, that’s great, Gojyo. Go ahead and prove to me how selfish and unreliable and shitty you really are!”

            “I’ll tell you what’s shitty! You sending us to get killed while you sit on your ass all day long!”

            Goku was starting to look nervous, and I interrupted as carefully as I could, “Please, there’s no need for this to turn into an argument, Gojyo. Sanzo, I can explain.”

            “You’d better,” he growled.

            That did rub me the wrong way, and I utterly lost my desire to tell him the truth. Smiling brightly, I said, “Oh, my. It seems you _do_ have the wrong impression of our arrangement.”

            Gojyo snorted, “Right? What gives you the right to come in here and scream at us like we’re your lackeys? We didn’t go ‘cause we didn’t go. Simple as that.”

            Sanzo’s eyebrows slanted low over his eyes. “Are you _going_ to?”

            “No,” I answered calmly, “I’m afraid not.”

            In that instant, all eyes turned to me, Sanzo’s outrage, Goku’s bewilderment, and Gojyo’s uncertainty.

            “Why not?” Sanzo demanded.

            Gojyo jumped in again, “’Cause we don’t hafta. Now get the hell outta here.”

            “No one’s talking to you, kappa!”

            My roommate stood shoulder to shoulder with me. “Yeah. You’re talking to _us._ ”

            I smiled, and Sanzo looked more infuriated than ever.

            A few seconds ticked by before he could even speak again, and then he spat, “I should have known better than to think a pair of misfit fucks like you could ever be useful.” In a flourish of his robes, he stomped for the door. “Let’s go, Goku!”

            With one last rather plaintive look at us, Goku scrambled after him, calling out, “Bye guys!” The door slammed, and the house fell silent.

            Gojyo faced me. “You never told him?”

            “When would I have done that?” I returned to my book. “I’ve been here with you all week.”

            “Yeah, but it ain’t like you to drop the ball without saying a word.”

            “Don’t read into it,” I advised, even though I knew he was right, and even though I ought to feel relieved, I simply found myself more annoyed than ever.

            He sat down too, toying with his lighter. “Hey, I was thinking… That one was kinda dangerous, but sometimes he has us do some pretty non-violent stuff. We could still do that.”

            I feared if I did even the simplest thing for Sanzo now I’d get sucked back into that unsavory lifestyle.

            “There’s no way of telling when something might go wrong,” I told him dismissively, “or when we might have to kill someone or risk our lives. There are no guarantees at all in this job.”

            After a pause, he nodded, but it seemed to be less of an agreement and more of an I guess so gesture.

            “You know,” I added, “if you have some problem with this, you really can just say so.”

            “No problems here,” he assured me, and then he got up, grabbed his coat, and left the house without any explanation, leaving me to feel somewhat lonely.

            Somehow, after Gojyo left that day, I completely lost track of him and he seemed to become more elusive than ever. Over the course of the next week, I managed to have lunch with him several times, but, astoundingly, for three days in a row he wasn’t in bed when I went to wake him up, and it appeared he’d stayed the night elsewhere.

            Not knowing what to make of it, I did my best to dwell on how to proceed with my new way of life, namely, compensating for my loss of extra income. That was a tangible problem at least.

            Again and again I reminded myself that I had to focus on my own health. I walked into the market one afternoon, studying the backs of my scabbed, chapped hands, wondering why getting away from the violence wasn’t helping to silence my fears.

            On my way, I ran into Gojyo. I hadn’t seen him in days, and he looked rather worse for the wear, rugged, dirty, and even spattered in blood. When I saw him, I couldn’t help stopping dead in my tracks to stare as he made his way through crowds of wary citizens, most of whom were eager to scoot to the side and make a path for him.

            “What on earth happened to you?” I demanded when he was near enough.

            He grinned flippantly and shrugged. “Clean up duty.”

            Incredulously, I looked him over. There were no distinct signs of injury on him, but from the tears in his clothing and the tired look in his eyes, I guessed he’d been through something rather trying. “Are you all right?”

            “Sure. Just took a long time.”

            Nevertheless, I had half a mind to abandon the shopping trip just so I could take him home and examine him for my own peace of mind. Crowds around us be damned, I settled for checking him out right there in the road, taking his pulse and searching for any source of blood. He had a few shallow scrapes which had scabbed already, his pulse felt strong, and his skin seemed the right temperature, but it didn’t silence my fears. I went so far as to try and tug him out of his jacket, but he pulled away from me.

            “I’m fine, Hakkai,” he insisted, straightening himself out. “What’re you doing anyway?”

            “Did you honestly go and do that by yourself?” I asked in a quiet voice. Even if he had no physical injuries my theories behind his reasoning concerned me, but his feelings tended to be so elusive I might have to cross examine him to get to the bottom of it.

            Again, he shrugged. “Somebody had to.” And then he snatched the grocery list from my hand and announced, “I need cigarettes,” before leading the way toward the store.

            As I fell into step half a pace behind him, struggling with guilt, anger toward Sanzo, and even a touch of inexplicable jealousy. I denied my own feelings, telling myself I shouldn’t have expected him to quit with me. And yet I’d been so sure.

            Together, we picked our way through the store. The other shoppers were careful to avoid my blood-drenched companion, but we took our time, not speaking at all, and I sensed some strange rift between us that had never been there before. Gojyo hesitated beside a display of hand lotion and grumbled, “Maybe you need some of this.”

            “Why?” I flashed a grin at him. “We’re only getting the essentials, lest you forget.”

            He raised an eyebrow, “Yeah, but Hakkai—”

            “Speaking of essentials, I wish you hadn’t gone and done that alone.”

            Gojyo sighed and tossed several bags of frivolous snacks into my basket. “Like I said, it had to get done.”

            “Sanzo could have done it. You’ve been saying that for months, you know.”

            Next, Gojyo shrugged and snagged a bag of chips.

            Without fully understanding why, I found myself annoyed. “Also, we’re on a budget now. We can’t necessarily afford to buy everything you lay eyes on.”

            He picked up a pack of jerky and threw it in the basket. “You’re the one on the budget, Hakkai.”

            That was true, I supposed. Rubbing one of my hands, I reminded myself that my problems weren’t his, and I spent some time selecting a decent cut of meat before I attempted to speak with him again. “Is it over at least?”

            “The mission? I dunno, man, that one guy got away from me again. Sanzo said regroup before giving it another shot.”

            I frowned. “I think you should reconsider.”

            “What’s the big deal? It’s not like I _can’t_ do it without you.”

            “No, I just think maybe it’s unwise, hunting down dangerous criminals with no one to watch your back.”

            “I’ll be fine,” he grumped. “Anyway, what’re _you_ gonna do now?”

            Reluctant to change the subject, I said, “Pick up another job, I suppose. That’ll be consistent if nothing else.”

Frustrated, I watched him grab a case of beer and a liter of whiskey, but I chose to say nothing since it seemed we were already on the brink of disagreement. I certainly didn’t want to give him any more opportunities to point out that something must be wrong with me.

 

I grabbed his arm before he could walk away from me completely. “Honestly though, Gojyo. Perhaps you shouldn’t do anything else by yourself.”

            He rolled his eyes. “Relax, Hakkai. You do what you want, and I do what I want.”

            With that, he pulled out of my hand and continued up the aisle.

            After that day, Gojyo did become more available than he’d been during the past week, so I assumed his absence must have related directly to the mission, but now his behavior was off. Namely, he drank a lot more than he had in the past. It was really something else since I’d already thought his drinking habits were excessive, but it reached a point where he was either drunk or hung over any time I saw him.

            Still, he insisted everything was fine, and there was no way of getting past that wall, so I focused on my own endeavors, specifically, finding a job to suit my intellect.

            Two weeks passed, and I began to feel frustrated every time I filled out an application. I didn’t expect to find a way to utilize my physics degree in this town, but I thought I deserved something better than a typical bartending job. I received a number of call backs, went to a handful of interviews, and turned down every offer made to me.

            “What are you doing, Hakkai?” Gojyo wondered, when I told him I still hadn’t found anything. “I thought you were gonna get a job.”

            “I am,” I answered impatiently, “I’m simply not content to waste years of my life doing menial work.”

            He grinned at me and picked out a teasing tone, but his eyes told me he was irritated too. “What, are you just too smart for that shit?”

            “As a matter of fact, yes.”

            “Maybe you’re just shooting too straight. You could clean house playing cards—you should come to the casino with me.” He leveled a more sincere, almost expectant look on me, and in a way the offer was tempting. I had to be responsible though, so I turned him down, and subsequently went several days more without seeing him. His absence was beginning to make me feel neglected, lonesome, and somewhat angry.

            Weeks of restlessness and boredom rolled by. When Gojyo was home, we argued incessantly or else didn’t speak at all; I had to find excuses to go outside simply so I wouldn’t shatter a mirror out of utter frustration.

            Everywhere I went, I kept a constant look out for enemies or any situation which might provide the opportunity for a fight, at times hoping someone would hassle me simply so I’d have the pleasure of putting them in their place. I purposely looked for ways to start altercations with Gojyo, but the more aggressive I became, the less I saw him, and there was nothing to do but stomp around the house and slam doors, grumbling under my breath.

One day, while I was viciously organizing the already spotless living room, desperately searching for a way to argue with my absent roommate, Sanzo came calling.

            To his credit, he knocked this time, and when I received him with a rude, “Hello?” he looked quite shocked, and he hesitated before attempting to enter the house.

            It occurred to me that I might be making the face Gojyo had confessed to fearing, so I tried to smile. “Oh, excuse me. I wasn’t expecting you, Sanzo.”

            “You’re in a mood,” he grumbled as I led him inside. “It must be driving you crazy, cooped up here with the damn kappa all the time.”

            “No.” I struggled to laugh. “I rarely see him.”

            Sanzo sat down at the table while I made tea and struggled to decide if I should make an attempt at improving my attitude for him or not. “I see Goku’s not with you today. You know how he hates to be left alone.”

            He looked piercingly at me. “We need to have a talk, Hakkai. Just you and me.”

            “Is that so?” I forced a smile. “What would you like to talk about, Sanzo?” Still, I had known this would happen, and considering my argumentative mood, I was ready for an all out shouting match with him.

            Sanzo sat back, still studying my face and perhaps contemplating my attitude, but in time he ventured to grumble, “Obviously, you owe me an explanation.”

            “Yes,” I agreed, caustically, pouring the tea. As I set his in front of him, I noticed him examining my hands, which I’d bandaged here and there in order to manage the pain. I couldn’t help slamming the tea pot down. “It seems I owe something to nearly everyone these days.”

            “Enough games.” His eyes hardened. “Why the hell did you quit on me out of nowhere?”

            “We simply decided we didn’t want to anymore.”

            “What’s this _we_ crap? You know Gojyo’s trying to wrap up that job for me by himself, don’t you?”

            I glared down into my tea, and I wasn’t sure I could be polite with him for much longer. I reminded myself that I owed him gratitude and respect. “Yes, he mentioned that. Tell me something, Sanzo, do you think that’s wise?”

            “It doesn’t matter if it is. He decided he wants to.”

            I couldn’t help blurting out, “He’s an idiot. He’ll get himself killed trying to hunt down murderers and monsters for you, and when he does, you’d better pray to your precious Buddha I don’t take it into my head to blame you.”

            As Sanzo scowled back at me, the ticking of the clock seemed to fill the room.

            “He’s an adult, Hakkai,” he reminded me at last.

            “Physically, in any case. I don’t suppose you care a great deal about his fate.”

            I’d thought his visage couldn’t get any darker, but he looked furious at those words, and I prepared myself for the fight.

            Sanzo grated out, “I had no idea Gojyo going solo was such a tender topic for you. What, are you pissed because he can be as irresponsible and reckless as he feels like? It probably never even occurred to him, whatever it is that made you want to quit.”

            “I know for a fact that it didn’t,” I agreed, harshly, “so perhaps you’re right. Perhaps I am annoyed that I always have to be the responsible one; I may even be jealous that he can just kill people at your behest and feel no remorse for it.”

            He gave a sudden laugh, sardonic and cheerless. “This coming from you. You don’t feel bad about taking out a few lowlifes for me—don’t pretend to.”

            I frowned at him, but before I could make my rebuttal, he went on.

            “And don’t pretend you can be content sitting around here playing housewife either. Maybe you get some sick satisfaction out of that, but the longer you’re cooped up here, and he’s out doing whatever the fuck he wants, the angrier you’re going to get.”

            “That’s none of your concern,” I said stiffly. I realized I was clenching my hands together so tightly on the table my knuckles ached.

            He kept glancing at them anyway. I put them in my lap instead, trying to relax.

            “Regular jobs suit plenty of other people, after all.”

            “Typical, unintelligent peons. I had no idea you quit on me so you could squeeze yourself into that category.”

            Patience breaking at last, I snapped, “Will you show yourself to the door now, Sanzo? Or shall _I_ do it?”

            Unbothered, he sipped his tea. “Is that a threat, Hakkai?”

            “Perhaps.” I smiled, thinking it might be nice to put him in his place today.

            “That only proves what I’m telling you—you’re wound tight enough to snap already. I’d almost feel sorry for that idiot if he came home to you like this.”

            Hadn’t I been looking for any reason to rip Gojyo’s head off the moment he came through the door?

            “Well,” I said ruthlessly, “I wouldn’t concern yourself with that, since he likely won’t make it home at all, thanks to you.”

            “Gojyo’s not going to die, Hakkai.” He rolled his eyes. “At least he knows what he’s doing.”

            I didn’t, I realized. I had no idea what I was doing or what I wanted. I felt more lost than ever, as if I had no place in this world to begin with. “What would you have me do then, Sanzo? For the most part, mass murderers don’t get second chances, and here I am squandering mine.”

            Once again, he studied me a long time without speaking, and the intelligence in his gaze startled me. I’d always known Sanzo was a wise man, but it wasn’t often I’d seen it in his eyes. I supposed he was simply another person I wasn’t giving much credit. “Has it occurred to you that you don’t _have_ to kill anyone to do most of the things I ask of you?” he asked. Similarly, the soft but sharp tone in his voice reminded me that I was speaking with a man who had a knack for discerning other people’s reasoning.

            Fury surged through me. “That’s simple for you to say. If I don’t kill them, they’ll kill _him_. Obviously, my life is on the line as well, but I can accept the consequences of my choices, and I don’t see why I should put myself in that position if I don’t have to. If Gojyo wants to continue to risk his life, I can’t stop him, but I am done jeopardizing my last shred of peace and happiness.”

            Sanzo had started on a cigarette and was looking at me, thoughtfully. “In that case, you need to seriously consider the fact that your life as a human is over, and none of us think you’ll be happy working some shit job and knitting at night to unwind.”

            Evidently, they’d been discussing this behind my back. The image of Gojyo and Sanzo, who typically couldn’t discuss the weather without fighting, talking over my life choices, made me feel angrier than ever. “Oh,” I laughed, “I see. You’re concerned I might snap.”

            “Yes,” he agreed in a grave tone. “I think you could. What is there to _keep_ you from snapping?”

            “Then you expect me to believe you recruited me to do these things for _my_ sake.”

            “No,” he huffed, “it’s convenient for me is all. But it does keep you two nitwits out of trouble—you know it does—and where you’re concerned, that’s my responsibility.”

            “What do you recommend then?” I snapped. “I’ve explained the nature of my dilemma.”

            He took his time finishing his cigarette and starting a new one, gazing reflectively out the window. “This is your reality, Hakkai. As you said, most mass murderers would never get a second chance like this, but then, no one who’s committed murder on the level that you have can go back to living peacefully in the first place. A dog has only to taste blood once to become a man-eater.”

            Despairingly, I studied my injured hands, knowing he was right. For one thing, bloodshed had become commonplace to me, and that desensitization could never be reversed. Nothing could alleviate how filthy I felt.

            Sanzo got up with a heavy sigh. “Doing work in my name might not restrict you from killing, but if nothing else it absolves you from blame. I shouldn’t have to tell you that _I’m_ responsible for whatever you do on my behalf.”

            “That sounds burdensome,” I murmured.

            “Believe me, it is,” he snorted. “Taking full responsibility for the actions of a sociopath and a reckless punk has not been easy, but it’s simpler than the alternative.”

            If I _did_ become too restless and go on a rampage that would be on his head as well. Even whatever happened to Gojyo as a result of my actions would likely fall to him. Thinking of it that way, I could see how he might view these missions as being in everyone’s best interest.

            “Sanzo,” I admitted quietly, “I don’t want to. I can’t.”

            “It’s your decision,” he said simply, moving toward the door. “But the next time you make a life-changing choice, make sure you’re not leaving me up a creek. Also, do yourself a favor and don’t rip Gojyo a new asshole when he comes home. Losing touch with him is the last thing you need right now.” And then he drew a long pause, followed by a sharp hiss. He faced me again to say, “Whatever you do, you need to get your shit together, Hakkai. You can’t go back—you have to find a way to move forward. And don’t…don’t do anything stupid.”

            I jerked upright. “What stupid thing do you expect me to do?”

            “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I have no idea what you’re thinking right now.” He stepped out and closed the door harshly behind him.

            Alone with my thoughts, I found myself frustrated that he had made me doubt a decision I’d so firmly made. In plenty of ways, he was right—more than a month into my retirement and I felt unhappier than ever.

            All night, I tossed and turned, alternating between wanting to escape my uneasiness and the fear of whatever dreams would find me when I closed my eyes.

            In the days that followed, a heavy rainstorm set in and refused to relent, and I found myself reluctant to leave the house, even though finding ways to occupy my time at home proved surprisingly difficult. I felt myself giving into despair, and the bad memories began leaking into me.

            “What should I do, Kanan?” I murmured, gazing into the candle I’d lit for comfort.

            What I wouldn’t give for her to be able to answer me from beyond the grave. Her sense and tenderness would be more than welcome just now.

            It seemed my existence would always be made of the same horrible pieces that didn’t seem to quite fit together.

            No matter what I did, I couldn’t get her back.

            _I could take it out on this world,_ I thought, bunching my fists, feeling the tight dryness and pain across my knuckles. _Why be peaceful and kind in the first place?_

That was what she would want, and yet even that hardly mattered. I had failed her, utterly, and what difference did it make if I continued to do so?

            _Maybe there is nothing I can do._

With the rain hammering down on the house, I was forced to remember the rainstorms I’d passed with Kanan, sometimes hand in hand, soaked in the damp air, sometimes huddled together under the blankets.

            _Things will never be that way again, so what am I living for?_

Those thoughts frightened me, and the answer scared me even more: there was nothing to live for. For all I could see, tomorrow would be exactly like today, and the rest of my life would stay this way for years and years until I died. I didn’t want to go through that. I couldn’t see any reason why I should make myself go through it.

            “Hey, roomie.”

            Startled, I twisted in my seat to see Gojyo standing in the doorway to the kitchen, grinning and casually smoking his cigarette. His t-shirt stuck to his body, wet and stained with blood, and his jeans were torn and muddy, his boots caked in the thick black from outside.

            “Gojyo,” I murmured, rather stupidly. “You’re home…” I glanced at the clock. “It’s the middle of the afternoon.”

            “Yeah, well,” He tromped over to throw himself into the chair across from mine. “I’m wiped out. Had about as much fun as I can stand.”

            As he grabbed his whiskey bottle from the center of the table, I examined him more intently. In addition to being soaked and filthy, his knuckles were gashed open, his face was battered, and he looked exhausted, with matted hair and dark circles under his eyes.

            “You look terrible,” I told him bitingly, not at all thrilled to have him tracking blood and mud into my spotless kitchen.

            “You don’t look great either,” he snarked back.

            “Well, are you going to change out of those rags? Or at least take off your boots?”

            “This’s my house,” he reminded me.

            “ _I’m_ the one who keeps it clean.”

            Gojyo sighed and poured himself a shot of whiskey. “I don’t wanna fight with you, okay?”

            “So go change. Please.”

            Anger flashed across his expression, uncharacteristically quickly. He shotgunned the whiskey, slammed down the glass, and all but stomped back to his room. I sat, ashamed of my victory; Sanzo was right—falling out with Gojyo would be a disaster now. When he came back I muttered, “Thank you.”

            My roommate stood over me a long moment, staring down at me with his brows furrowed together in inexplicable disquiet. “Why are you so high strung lately?” he demanded, voice forcibly hushed. “Every time I come home you try and start shit with me.”

            I shook my head. “That’s ridiculous.”

            “Bullshit.” He kept that strained but even tone. “Whatever is going on with you, it’s not my fault.”

            Guiltier than ever, I lied, “Nothing’s going on with me. I just would rather not mop the floor twice in one afternoon.”

            “Fine.” He threw his hands up and sat down again, pouring another shot of whiskey. He lifted his glass in a mock toast. “God save the floor.”

            I tried to laugh, but it seemed to flop over, ringing hollowly. In pursuit of making amends, I asked, “You’re doing well, aren’t you? You’re not injured?”

            “Nah, none of that blood was mine.” He did look much better now than he had when he first arrived, cleaned up and dry, though his knuckles were gashed open on both fists.

            “I’m glad.” I managed a more genuine smile. “You’ve had me worried.”

            Gojyo smiled back. “No reason to worry, man. I’m doing good, just tired.”

            Gesturing to his knuckles, I offered, “I could bandage those up for you.”

            He met my gaze for a long moment, and I knew he was considering how bad my own hands looked. Automatically, I hid them under the table. To my surprise, he shrugged and said, “Sure, okay.”

            As I went to retrieve the first aid kit, I felt grateful for his uncommonly forgiving temperament, and I as I sat down to bathe and dress his busted knuckles, I reminded myself that it really wasn’t fair to take any of my personal dilemmas out on him. I had missed him, after all, and I didn’t want to risk driving him away.

            “There, as good as new.” I finished up and slammed him on the back.

            Gojyo smirked. “Thanks.” But he kept a covert gaze directed at the brightly-colored band-aid on my left hand. “Is that Mickey Mouse?”

            Again, I automatically tucked my hands out of view, feeling more ashamed than ever. “Ah, who could say? These were on sale.” I considered lying to him again about how the weather had been affecting my skin, but I knew I wasn’t fooling him and never had been. It left me unsure of what to do. It was my problem after all. Why should he care?

            “In any case, I’m much more concerned about you, Gojyo.”

            “I’m cool.” He was reaching for the whiskey bottle again, expression blithe and somewhat vapid, seeming to have forgotten all about the band-aid and everything it entailed. “C’mon, man,” he invited. “Have a drink with me.” An impish grin shot across his face. “Or two or three.”

            I nearly declined. It was only past three, much too early to start heavy drinking. Then again, I thought, I didn’t have anything else to do, and it might be nice to simply stop for a moment, set my worries aside, and have a stiff drink with my roommate.

            “Just one won’t kill us,” I agreed, smiling at him.

            “That’s the spirit!” Gojyo poured me a shot of the whiskey, sloshing a bit on the table. We clinked our glasses together and gulped them quickly. It went down smoothly, but it tasted cheap, though I did savor the burn.

            Gojyo winced a bit as he slammed his glass down.

            “Are you sure you’re not hurt?”

            “Not too bad. Just some bruises.” He poured us each another shot, and we took them without words.

            All my concerns and dilemmas seemed suddenly to expand before me, my fears and anguish and despair, and I thought, wouldn’t it be nice to have more than a stiff drink with my roommate?

            _Wouldn’t it be wonderful to forget all that and get utterly obliterated with my best friend?_

After all, that’s what most men our age did, wasn’t it? And it had been a long while since Gojyo and I had gotten a chance to speak intimately; I had no responsibilities to see to tomorrow, and my life was empty of serious duties. In that moment, it felt almost as if Gojyo was my life.

            Smirking, he poured himself another and raised it. “Here’s to having a decent drinking buddy for once.”

            I smiled back, despite the heavy thoughts inside my head. “Kampai.”

            Afternoon wore on, giving gradually over into evening, the rain continued to pour and thunder rolled through the woods, but we stayed just where we were, talking and laughing. In time, when it became clear that I intended to stay there a while, Gojyo produced a deck of cards, and we played until he got sick of losing. And then we talked and drank some more, until he was drunk enough to not care so much about who won or lost.

            We ate junk food and made crass jokes. When the whiskey was gone, Gojyo opene a bottle of baijiu, and not long after that he became quite rowdy, teasing me incessantly and relating stories of bar fights and escapades with women. I let him. It was good to listen to something not wholly depressing, and in time I was able to work myself into a decent enough mood to recount some of the memories we’d made together with him. In time it seemed we carried on about nothing at all, but through it all, past the merriment, I got the impression we were avoiding the present situation at all costs.

            “Damn, man,” Gojyo chuckled, pouring himself another drink and spilling quite a lot on the table. “Wha’s in this stuff?”

            “Typically, this isn’t how you drink it,” I informed him, shotgunning mine.

            “Yeah, yeah, ya always say that.” He raised his glass, grinning, and dumped it down his throat.

            Remarkably, a good deal of the liquid missed his mouth entirely, streamed down his face, and spilled over his shirt, and I had to watch him squawk and laugh and rub himself dry again, unable to help shaking my head. “It’s only five, Gojyo. Maybe you had better stop.”

            “Stop?” he demanded, as if it were the most outrageous thing he’d ever heard. “We’re jus’ getting started, nyeah?”

            I poured myself another shot, trying to smile, but truthfully I felt jealous that it was so easy for him to cut loose. I would never let anyone see me acting the way he was now, spilling alcohol on myself and laughing so hard I nearly fell from my chair.

            _How easy it must be,_ I thought contemptuously. _Being him._ I tried to shake the thought away, but couldn’t quite. He seemed sincerely not to understand the nature of my dilemma just now, and the fact that he was still running errands for Sanzo was a strong indication that he honestly and truly, once and for all, just did whatever the hell he felt like, leaving everyone else to worry and fret and look after him to the best of their ability.

            And yes, it must be nice to be that way—forever a child.

            From across the table, Gojyo grinned at me, nervously. “Man, isn’t it hittin’ you at all?”

            “Oh, I suppose.” I wondered what sort of face I’d been making, and I forced myself into a more congenial attitude.

            “I thought _I_ could drink.”

            “Yes, but you must consider that most people our age would be passed out in a pool of their own vomit.” I laughed. “I’m impressed to see you still sitting upright.”

            Gojyo scrutinized my expression. “So, you _ever_ been drunk, ‘Kai?”

            “Yes. Of course. I believe so…” I didn’t bother to mention that it wasn’t so much whether or not I could become intoxicated but more a matter of what humiliations I would allow myself in the meantime. He wouldn’t grasp a concept like that. He had no qualms about cutting loose—he had nothing to hide.

            Again, I caught myself drifting toward derisive thoughts and had to force a smile instead. “As a teenager, I’m sure I became intoxicated more than my fair share of times.” It was a lie though. I’d spent my teenage years holed up studying, and for what? To lose the woman I loved and take a job in Chang’an as a grocery store clerk?

            “I get it,” Gojyo announced. “I started drinkin’ real young too.”

            “It shows,” I informed him a bit caustically.

            “Wha’ can I say? Life _really_ sucks sometimes.” As if of their own volition, his fingers traced the long scars on his cheek, from the corner of his eye to the edge of his jaw. I had yet to uncover the mystery of the scars, I only knew they related directly to his mother, and that he’d grown his hair out to hide them. It looked as though he may have forgotten I was sitting there, and his mouth twisted in a slight grimace. I witnessed his eyes turning dull with some bleak memory. It was an expression I very rarely saw on his face, and I couldn’t help trying to memorize it so I’d be able to recognize it better in the future.

            But Gojyo’s gaze shot to mine; he grinned at me, crookedly, but more insistently than ever, while tilting his head to one side so that a curtain of shimmering crimson hid the scarred half of his face almost completely from view. It was something he did often enough, particularly when he felt insecure, and I realized he must be really quite drunk to have purposely drawn any attention to his disfigurement.

            It made me feel all the worse for my attitude, and I desperately wished we could get back to the way things used to feel between us.

            “Gojyo,” I said carefully, refilling my glass to save him the effort. “You’ve been…gone a lot lately.”

            He cocked his mouth to one side and lifted his eyebrows, as if he wasn’t sure that was perfectly true. “Uh, I guess. Feels like the normal amount t’ me.” He reached for the bottle, but I slid it, nonchalantly, out of his reach, and gestured to his bandaged knuckles.

            “I take it you’ve been trying to wrap up Sanzo’s job.”

            Snorting, Gojyo lit a cigarette, and his expression turned to agitation. “Yeah, well it ain’t been easy. That guy Sanzo wants me ta get’s all holed up with the last of his gang. Ev’ry time I try breakin’ in I get tossed out on my ass.”

            To me, it seemed that infiltrating a gang hideout all alone was a good way to get killed, and I had to struggle to hide my alarm. “So it’s not over yet?”

            “Nah, man.” He sat back, smoking and looking decidedly annoyed. “Dunno if I can do it…”

            The unspoken words “by myself” seemed to linger in the pause between us.

            “What does Sanzo say?”

            My roommate shrugged and intentionally looked away, as he typically did when he didn’t want to tell me the truth but also knew he couldn’t hide it. “Some bullshit ‘bout waiting for your ass.”

            “I see. He must believe I’ll change my mind.”

            “Yeah, who knows?” For a moment, he looked out the window, watching the rain. “I was thinkin’…”

            Sure he intended to try and talk me out of all this again, I suppressed a sigh. “Oh?”

            “There was this chick I knew once. This whore. Sexy an’ young—older than me, but not that old. She was real popular, but she had a fucked up life. She used ta take a hot bath right after fucking. I thought maybe it was just me—cause I’m kinda nasty—but it was every client. It was weird. She talked like whorin was the only thing she could do, but if ya fucked her she had ta’ get up right away an’ go sit in boiling water for half an’ hour. Kinda bad for business.”

            I stared hard at him, but he kept watching the rain.

            “Ev’rybody tol’ her that if she hated it so much she should stop, but she just acted like it was her only choice.”

            “Why are you telling me this?” I cut in, a little sharply.

            Gojyo shrugged. “Just makin’ conversation.”

            He had been talking about whores and sexual adventures all afternoon, and still I doubted it was any coincidence. “What happened to her then?” I wondered.

            A sad smile crossed his mouth. “I dunno, man. I think she killed herself a couple years ago.” At last, he met my gaze again, the seriousness in his expression smashing any doubts I’d had that he’d tell me such a thing arbitrarily. “I guess doin’ dirty shit’s hard if you ain’t made for it.”

            “I’m not a whore,” I growled. “I’m a killer. And at this point I’d rather not be.”

            He answered all too easily, “Yeah, I know.”

            I scowled at him, not sure what the point of his story had been. It had only served to make me feel more hopeless than ever.

            We sat in silence a while, and I tried to calm myself down. I didn’t want to lose my temper with him and spoil what was otherwise the best afternoon I’d had in weeks.

            “Hey, pass the shit over here.” He snapped his fingers and pointed to the bottle at my elbow.

            I set the baijiu by my feet and smiled at him. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough? It _is_ possible for you to pass out in a puddle of your own vomit, you know.”

            Gojyo’s eyes clouded over. “Dude, the hell? Gonna cut me off? In my own house?”

            “You don’t need—”

            “Look, man, I know what I’m doin’, okay? I don’t need’ja worrying or taking my booze. I’ve done this forever, an’ I only chilled out a little ‘cause _you_ came along.”

            His tone hitched to belligerent, and I wondered if there would be any point in addressing that. “I wasn’t asking you to change your lifestyle, Gojyo, I’m just suggesting you’ve had enough for today. Also, I’m sitting right across from you—it’s not as if I’ve gone anywhere.”

            Gojyo shrugged, got up, and grabbed a beer.

            I suppressed a sigh and muttered, “Don’t expect me to babysit you when you give yourself alcohol poisoning.”

            “No worries.” He grinned and wrenched off his bottle cap. “I ain’t ‘pecting much from ya these days.”

            “Oh? And why is that?”

            “Pfft. I mean, ya quit on me, ya keep talkin’ like you’re gonna get another job, but you ain’t so far, an’ all ya do is sit around here an’ mope.”

            “Well,” I forced a smile and a laugh, “that’s not _all_ I do. Keeping up with your constant chaos and making sure the house is in decent order is a full-time job in its own way.”

            “Yeah?” He leaned on his elbow, smirking back at me, but viciously. “So ya want me ta pay ya t’ clean my house? Buy ya a little maid’s outfit and pinch your ass when my wife’s not lookin’? Or shoul’ we jus’ get married an’ you can _be_ my wife?”

            It wasn’t unlike him to tease me that way, but in my emotional state, I couldn’t help losing my temper. “Of course, you can make fun of me for doing what I know to at least try to pull my own weight, though I doubt it’s occurred to you that you’re out—constantly—gambling away all your money when we’re in a somewhat tight position.”

            Gojyo slammed his beer bottle down. “Get over it, alright? You ain’t my mother.”

            I tried my hardest not to openly frown at him. In the beginning, getting drunk with my best friend had sounded inviting, but now it looked as if he intended to take his alcohol-inspired frustrations out on me, and this might easily turn into a confrontation instead.

            Again, I studied his gashed knuckles. For the most part, he was a relatively happy-go-lucky drunk, but his frequent bouts at the bar had led me to question whether Gojyo might have some dark side he turned to in the throes of binge drinking.

            It might be good, I thought. I’d been wanting to fight with him for days, and now I had my opportunity.

            Flashing a bright smile, I said, “Ah, thank goodness for that. I feel very fortunate to not be your mother. In fact, I have no idea how that poor woman ever dealt with such an ungrateful—”

            Something utterly dangerous entered his eyes, bringing them to life with fire, and he leapt up, throwing back his chair and slamming his fists so hard against the table it rattled. “Shut the fuck up about my mom! Say what you wanna about _me_ , but don’t _ever_ talk about her!”

            “Oh, what?” I smiled all the brighter. “I’m only saying if she’d disciplined you properly—”

            Gojyo sprang onto the table, kicking off the empty whiskey bottle and both shot glasses. A sea of mult-colored glass spritzed the floor, and he lunged at me. We slammed hard against the tile, rolling head over heels, and the next thing I knew he’d pinned me down, and the chair was halfway to the other side of the room. I felt his hands clenching my wrists so tightly they bruised. His face lingered mere inches from mine, that curtain of red hanging around us both, and I had never noticed before how feral his eyes were.

            Voice furious, he grated out words clotted with emotion from behind clenched teeth, and it took me a moment to distinguish them from animalistic growling, “Don’t. Say another word. I’ll fuck your face up.”

            To anyone else, it may have been frightening, and I couldn’t deny I did feel a shudder speed down my spine. It was Gojyo though. With a flick of my wrist, I could dislocate his shoulder and then break every bone in his body. Yes, he was a formidable contender when he wanted to be, but we both knew I could tear him limb from limb if I felt like it.

            In some brutal, sociopathic sense, that sounded almost cathartic. Start a fist fight with Gojyo, give him enough of a break to allow it to go on as long as I wanted, and knock the hell out of him.

            My body twitched, but I forced myself to stay absolutely still. Attacking him would be a mistake—hurting him would become something I could never live down.

            “I’m sorry,” I said as calmly as possible, struggling to detain the beast inside me. “I have no idea what I’m saying.”

            “You’re right,” he husked, voice still deadly dark. “You don’t.”

            That helped a bit in dragging me out of my violent thoughts. I didn’t know what he’d been through; I knew he was an orphan and his real parents had killed themselves, but his stepmother remained a mystery, along with the scars she seemed loosely connected to. It could be I’d stumbled into something incredibly painful.

            “I’m sorry,” I repeated, more sincerely this time.

            And yet, his expression revealed that he wanted nothing more than to bust my teeth out, and I wondered if he might be drunk enough to try it.

            Instead, he got up, staggering and scraping hair from his face, screaming and jabbing a finger at me. “Get the _fuck_ offa your high horse! You act like you’re worried about _me_!”

            “Well, I am,” I sniffed, climbing up to my feet as well. “You’ve been—”

            “I’m not the one who’s been actin’ like a complete emo lately! I’m not the one washin’ my hands til they _bleed_!”

            I couldn’t help but glare at him. “Nonsense. I’ve been perfectly fine.”

            “Fuck!” He kicked the last chair standing across the room. “Who do you think I am? I’ve lived with ya all fuckin’ year—how stupid d’ya think I am?”

            “I don’t think you’re stupid; just your concerns are unfounded.”

            “ _Your_ concerns are unfounded! I’ve been able ta tell something was off with ya from day one!”

            “Gojyo—”

            “Tha’s right, genius! We got back here from burying those fucks, an’ you were already bein’ weird! Hell, I din’t think you were gonna _quit_ on me though! I tried ta tell you it’sa bad idea, but no! You’d never listen to _me_ , Gojyo— _the idiot!_ ”

            Temper snapping, I shouted, “I distinctly recall asking you what you thought, and you always gave me the same apathetic, selfish attitude!”

            “Oh, I’m selfish an’ ap’thetic, huh? Am I selfish an ap’thetic for worryin’ ‘bout you all month?”

            The words silenced me in a breath. I’d never even dreamed he might be worried.

            For several moments, we looked into each other’s eyes, and I knew he meant it. I could see how concerned he truly was.

            “Seriously, Hakkai,” he lowered his voice, speaking just above a whisper. “You’re all fucked up... I dunno what I’m s’posed ta do…”

            Coldly, I responded, “This isn’t about you.”

            Gojyo huffed and turned away suddenly, kicking at the glass on the floor and swiping at his hair. “Yeah, alrigh’. But you’re crazy if ya think it doesn’t _affect_ me.”

            “You’re the one who’s chosen to run amuck and fight battles for Sanzo and drink yourself to death before you’re twenty-three. There’s nothing I can do about that, and it’s entirely up to you whether or not you’re going to allow my decision to affect your personal choices.”

            He whipped around again. “You ac’ually think I’m doin’ any of that ‘cause I’m _upset_? Wha’ was I _s’posed_ ta do, Hakkai? Jus’ follow ya ‘round an’ do wha’ever you say all the time?”

            “No,” I admitted slowly, thinking I should have known that’s how he’d see it. “I’m not saying that. I’m saying your current behavior is a little dangerous.”

            He glared at me. “At least I’m not sittin’ here mopin’ and dwellin’ on shit that makes me wanna die, hurtin’ myself an’ wishin’ for all the stuff I can’t get back.”

            Taken aback, I scrambled for a rebuttal. It startled me to find him so in tune with my emotions, and yet I was far too outraged to back off. “I don’t expect you to understand,” I spat.

            “Nah, ya never ‘pect anything from me. Well, _you’re_ the fuckin idiot this time—you’re gonna kill yourself, sittin’ on your ass cryin’ over Kanan—”

            “Shut up!” I shouted, unable to control myself for once. “Don’t say her name! Ever!”

            It was his turn to look startled; it wasn’t often I screamed at him. He came back with, “She’s gone, Hakkai! You goin’ all ta hell ain’t gonna bring _Kanan_ back!”

            “I told you to shut up!”

            All the anger, frustration, and grief, isolation, regret and pain I’d been feeling surged to the surface like a tsunami, and the violence I’d been toying with, the grinning devil inside me, took over.

            I swung. My fist connected curtly with his jaw. It felt like iron.

            Gojyo staggered back against the table.

            A brief second passed where he looked slightly shocked, and I thought he might back off.

            That second passed, however, and he rushed me, all fists and flaming red, smashing the side of my face.

            I stumbled, pain lancing up my skull.

            His other fist busted my lips. I tasted blood.

            Steadying myself against the wall, I wiped threads of scarlet off my chin.

            His jaw had begun to bruise.

            We stared at each other, his grin hinting at defiance, the rage inside me stirring.

            After that, I have no idea who threw the first blow or who ran screaming at who; I only know we were suddenly engaged in an all-out fist fight. It was unlike any bout I’d ever experienced over my short, violent life.

            For the most part, I’d grown accustomed to either facing trained warriors—such as the youkai in Hyakuganmaoh’s castle—or else helpless civilians, like the innocent people I’d slaughtered after Kanan was taken.

            Gojyo wasn’t like any of that. He was all street smarts when it came to his thought process, his manner of speech, and, as it turned out, his fighting style as well. He didn’t keep on defense the way most opponents did, looking for an opening as they guarded themselves—he came at me, unafraid of getting hit even if it was as hard as possible. He kept his fists close to his face, ducking fluidly and quickly, mostly out of reaction. Each blow felt powerful and painful, rattling my teeth and throwing me off balance.

            I found I had to keep my wits about me and focus very hard. I knew I could kill him if I wanted to, but I refused to let that knowledge hold me back.

            Just as I’m not sure how the fight began, I have no idea how long it went on. It may have been a full hour, or possibly a handful of minutes; everything around me transformed into a barrage of scattered images: his flashing eyes and tendrils of hair when I struck him in the face, sprays of glass, bleeding knuckles filling my vision when he swung. I knocked him down on the coffee table, smashing it. A lamp shattered in an explosion of frosted glass. Furniture got shoved and toppled, lifted and heaved as we moved from one room to the other and back. He flipped the kitchen table, causing me to lose my footing. I slammed him hard against the counter, and dishes clattered to the floor, joining the massacre of glass, alcohol, and blood. He thrust me away. I clawed the air and snagged his hair, swinging him around into the refrigerator. He recovered quickly, feinted left, and kicked me in the stomach. I tumbled backwards into the sink, breaking more dishes with a swipe of my arm and disrupting a wave of empty beer cans.

            “Don’t fuckin touch my hair,” he snarled.

            “It’s a fight,” I sneered back at him.

            “Yeah.” Gojyo prowled toward me, biceps rippling with strength and anticipation. “A fight I’m gonna win.”

            “You’re _going_ to get _hurt,_ Gojyo,” I warned him, thinking again that I could kill him if I wanted, but standing there, battered and bleeding, I wasn’t so sure it would be as simple as I’d first thought.

            Springing forward, I kicked him in the head and watched him fall hard and spring back up.

            His tenacity always did impress me.

            He threw himself at me, ramming me with his shoulder and knocking me back over the couch.

            Our fight wore on. Before long, I felt tired and ragged, but I also felt good. I found it relieving to slam my fist against him, relieving to feel him strike back, and my blood pumped hot and wild. It had been days since I’d felt so alive, and the heaviness inside me began to lift.

            The fight ended as quickly as it had begun, but it was impossible to discern how it concluded. Even knowing I was naturally stronger than him, and that he was considerably drunk, I didn’t feel as if I’d won. That is to say, I didn’t beat him senseless and stand over him gloating. Instead, we both wound up lying on the living room floor, shoulder to shoulder, panting and bleeding. A long time passed with no sound to break the silence save that of our heaving breath.

            At last, Gojyo snarled when his breathing had slowed, “You know. You always think you know what’s best. For everyone. You _don’t_ , Hakkai. Sometimes it’s just what’s best for _you_.” It sounded as if the fight had sobered him some. “This time, it wasn’t even _that._ ”

            “What is that supposed to mean?” I growled back, agitated to be lectured by him.

            “I mean, how is _this_ better? You being all pissed off all the time. Me doing Sanzo’s shit by myself. How is _this_ for the best?”

            Silently, I studied the nicotine-stained ceiling.

            “How could you actually think stuff would just go back to the way it was?”

            “I didn’t think that,” I lied. That had been my honest hope.

            “Bullshit! Even if it’s not what you thought, you were just thinking of yourself. You didn’t think about the fact that I never had anything to go back _to_.”

            I frowned, and in truth I _hadn’t_ thought of that. I hadn’t really considered what he would do; I’d just been annoyed by the choice he made—to carry on without me.

            “You don’t have anything to go back to either,” he added crossly.

            Again, I could only lie there in my shock. Gojyo waited for me to respond, struggling to get his breathing back to normal.

            “I’m aware of that,” I said at last, “but I don’t want to spend my life taking the lives of others.”

            “So don’t kill anybody,” he barked, as if it were the simplest thing on earth.

            “It’s not that easy, Gojyo.”

            “Fuck you. You coulda killed _me_ just now. You didn’t.”

            Reluctantly, I glanced at him, but I couldn’t see his face. He was aware of it too; I supposed he’d have to be. Quietly, I said, “I would never kill you. I don’t want to.”

            “You don’t wanna kill _anyone_ , right?”

            Clearly, he just didn’t understand the complexities of my dilemma.

            At the time though, I didn’t have any reasonable answer to that, and I changed the subject, quickly. “I thought you hated working for Sanzo.”

            Gojyo paused. “I used to. I don’t anymore.”

            More startled than ever, I turned to him. A long stream of blood ran from his hairline to the corner of his grimacing mouth, and I thought he looked highly distressed. “Do you mean you two rectified your differences while I’ve been away?”

            “Ha. Hell no. We’ve been fighting more than ever.”

            “In that case, I really don’t understand.”

            “I know you don’t. You thought I’d just bail on him like you did.” His tone hinted at annoyance as he said those words. “That’s really what you think of me—can’t count on me for shit.”

            “No. As I said though, you’ve never liked it. You complain about it incessantly any time he gives us something to do, and I honestly don’t understand why you’d want to continue—”

            He met my gaze sharply, eyes fiery with anger. “I was having fun. With you.”

            It shut me up, effortlessly.

            “We can both bitch about it all we want, but doing his piss jobs is the thing that gave us common ground in the first place.”

            That, I suppose, I hadn’t considered either, but looking back I could see it was true. Things between us had been awkward at best before Sanzo started asking us to attend to matters on his behalf; even so, I never would have thought they’d be the thing to bring us together, and yet I felt closer to Gojyo than I’d ever felt to anyone else, and I knew it had to do, in part, with fighting back to back so often.

            “It was nice,” he went on haltingly. “Having something to do. I’ve never had a goal before in my life… Not really anyway. Not _good_ goals. I dunno. It was nice to do something not totally selfish for once. It was cool…hanging out like that.” He added quickly, as if the words embarrassed him and he wanted to plow through them, “ _That’s_ the shit that makes you my best friend, not fucking around here getting nagged to death all the damn time, watching you be a psycho.”

            That concept burned inside my heart, a growing flame. It was nice having a comrade for once, knowing that person could be relied on even if everything else went wrong. Just as fighting side by side solidified my faith in him, coming home and sharing memories of our personal trials strengthened my affection for him. Even being angry with each other and then being able to laugh about it later had proven to me the sincere nature of our friendship.

            I’d longed for a friendship like this one all my life, and at one time I’d assumed finding Kanan would satisfy all of it. Now, with her dead I suddenly discovered that even having her in my life never could have gratified this part of me. Not the way having a male friend did. It would have been impossible to explain any of this to me ten or even five years ago; I’d always been of the opinion that having friends was a waste of time.

            When I’d made the decision to quit running errands for Sanzo, I hadn’t fully understood what I’d be giving up.

            Gojyo’s voice nudged me back to reality, sounding slightly desperate this time. “It’s not just me, right? I mean…didn’t you have fun? Not killing people, just all the stuff in between.”

            There was so much in between tasks—lectures and jokes, day-long walks, arguing, sorting it out, arguing again, the look on his face when he genuinely made me laugh…

            “There was a lot in between,” I admitted softly. By this time, all the hours I’d spent simply being around Gojyo far outstripped the time I’d spent shedding blood in Sanzo’s name.

            He gave a deep, relieved sigh. “I was starting to think I just made it up in my head…” he admitted under his breath.

            “No, of course not. I’ve always enjoyed that part of it, I simply didn’t realize.”

            Gojyo stared up at the ceiling.

            I didn’t realize those moments were at stake. I didn’t realize they meant so much to him, or to me.

            I studied the scars on his cheek.

            “Why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?” I wondered.

            He didn’t answer. His expression transformed into the stubborn passivity it always took on when he purposely ignored me, and that seemed to indicate that all of this meant even more to him than he was willing to say.

            Not in the mood for his secretiveness, I clenched his wrist. “Gojyo. You could have said so.”

            Slowly, he met my eyes again. “I guess…I didn’t want you to be miserable for my sake. I know you’re trying to start over and move on. Who am I to stop you?” He smirked as an afterthought.

            _How simple,_ I thought.

            It was just like him though.

            “Well,” I sighed, “if there’s anything I’ve learned over the last few days it’s that I’m still the same person I’ve always been. It could be the violence I so desperately want to escape from is something I enjoy… I don’t know if I ever _can_ live peacefully.” The words awoke my sense of dismay again, and I felt as if I were dropping into a black abyss. “Maybe I don’t know how.”

            “Yeah, but just because we’re doing Sanzo’s dirty work doesn’t mean we’re doing something bad.”

            That at least was true. I had come a long ways out of the darkness that once consumed my life.

            “Don’t let me change your mind though.” He produced a cigarette and lit it. “It really isn’t my business.”

            For a while we continued to lay there, him smoking, me thinking. I murmured in time, “Perhaps I was looking for something that no longer exists.”

            His voice was equally quiet. “I don’t know what to tell you, Hakkai.”

            “It could be these are just my consequences, I suppose. It could be there is no real answer.”

            Gojyo sighed. “That sucks, man. I’ve been thinking about it though.”

            Again, I knew I’d made a mistake in assuming he was ignoring my problems. It comforted me some to know he’d taken it all to heart.

            “My story about the whore,” he muttered after another moment. “Sanga… I think the thing with Sanga was she was just totally alone, dude. Ev’rybody wanted to fuck her…but nobody actually cared about her. In the end, maybe that’s the part she couldn’t take.”

            “Maybe,” I agreed quietly.

            “You’re not alone like that, Hakkai. You don’t have the life you wanted, yeah, and you don’t wanna do anything to lose the life you _do_ have—I get that—but nobody’s asking you to do this shit by yourself.”

            For a long time, I pondered that. I couldn’t say that aspect of my reality fixed everything, but at the same time, it was good to hear him reinforce the fact that he intended to stay by my side. That loyalty was worth whatever effort it took to preserve it.

            “So,” he asked, when even more time had drifted by, “what’re you gonna do?”

            “Well,” I sighed, “the only thing I know for certain is I don’t want you to die in pursuit of some target Sanzo sends you after.”

            He smirked a little.

            “I suppose tomorrow we’d better pay him a visit.”

            Still, neither of us moved. Personally, I didn’t feel up to cleaning up the wreckage resulting from our altercation, and I reviewed our interactions from earlier, trying to determine how exactly we’d come to be where we were. All I was able to deduce was that Gojyo had started acting highly agitated after I mentioned his mother, and if that were indeed true, I knew I didn’t want to make the same mistake again in the future.

            “May I ask you something? It’s rather personal.”

            “Go for it.”

            “It’s long overdue, I suppose. I’ve never felt comfortable asking…”

            “Yeah. So. What is it?”

            “Just…” I couldn’t quite force myself to look at him. “Those scars… How did you get them?”

            I felt his body stiffen next to mine, and from the corner of my eye I saw him turn away. Of course, if nothing else I understood that one didn’t come by scars that severe and uniform by mere accident. I had always mused to myself that it looked as if someone had attempted to rip his face off.

            With that in mind, I added, “You don’t have to tell me.”

            “No…that’s…okay…” Gojyo sat up with a groan, saying all too casually, “My mom. She tried to kill me.”

            I stared at the back of his head, wondering if I might have heard wrong. “I beg your pardon?”

            “My step mom, not my real mom. She just got sick of me bein’ immature and ungrateful, you know.” He turned to flash a grin at me, but it looked horrifically fake, and his eyes were worlds of depthless hurt. Everything I saw in them—the different agonies and insecurities—made it nearly impossible to speak.

            I managed to choke out, “I-I’m sorry…”

            Shrugging, he got smoothly to his feet. “You didn’t know.” He offered me his hand and pulled me up.

            “Obviously, if I had known I wouldn’t have made those comments earlier.”

            Though his grin didn’t falter, he huffed, “Right.”

            “You don’t believe me?”

            “I do. It doesn’t matter though—it’s over.”

            Based on his tone, he wasn’t entirely convinced of that, and neither was I. The event itself, yes, but the ramifications must be ongoing.

            “How old were you?”

            The way he chewed his cigarette and looked away, I felt sure he wouldn’t answer, but he grumbled, “Twelve. Look, I don’t really want to…”

            He trailed away, seemingly unable to utter the words “talk about it,” and I got the sense he’d just as soon pretend it had never happened, much as he had been pretending for nearly a year that Banri hadn’t betrayed him. It must be a defense mechanism, and in that case I’d be wise not to press him, but I decided keep a closer eye on him from now on. One didn’t simply endure something that traumatic without it having adverse affects on their psychology.

            Still, I would have liked to know why she would attempt something so heinous, though I had my guess. The longer I knew him, the more alarming details concerning his past were revealed, and it seemed his mixed blood was almost always at the center of it all. It baffled me. He was a lot of things, and that certainly wasn’t the quality I’d choose to describe him by.

            “All right,” I agreed.

            Gojyo turned to give me a questioning look, possibly incredulous that I’d let it go so simply.

            Not wanting him to think I didn’t care, I added, as casually as I could considering how alarmed I felt, “Of course, if you change your mind, that’s fine too.”

            His shoulders slumped as his posture relaxed, and I realized he’d been tense for a moment there, expecting me to interrogate him about the experience. He held my gaze a while, testing what I’d said, reconsidering, and then he shrugged. “Yeah. Maybe someday.”

            “After all.” I tried to smile. “You let me whine to you whenever I feel like it.”

            “I don’t think you’re whining. It’s tough… Just…don’t beat yourself up about it so much. Your life _is_ different.”

            That was a perception I hadn’t expected from him, just like many of the things he’d been saying lately, but he was right, I realized. Killing for Sanzo was nothing like murdering in the name of vengeance. Somehow the simplicity of Gojyo’s perspective made that difference clear.

            “You’re right,” I murmured. “It’s much better than I ever thought it would be.”

            He slammed me lightly on the back. “You’re not a murderer, man. You’re Sanzo’s cunt rag, or whatever he calls us. Don’t you forget it.”

            “How poetic,” I murmured, reaching for the broom and pausing to study my hands again. The fight had damaged them considerably, my dry skin had broken, and blood streaked my forearms, a poignant reminder of my struggle. I didn’t feel entirely convinced that going back to Sanzo was the right thing to do, and yet if I had to fight, at least I had something worth fighting for.

            I felt Gojyo studying me, concerned still, so I smiled up at him, hoping to lay his fears to rest along with my own. “In that case, we have some cleaning up to do.”

 


	7. Mission 6--Poker Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gojyo's past comes back to haunt him, and Hakkai realizes the full extent he would go to in order to preserve his new way of life.

 

Mission Six

 

Poker Face

“You’re quiet today,” I commented. I’d been dwelling on the fact since we left the house but had only just decided to say something.

            “Am I?” Gojyo faced me, though his eyes continued to rove through the crowds around us. As with most pleasant afternoons, the town was alive with shoppers and loiterers, all laughing and shouting, and still he appeared unnerved.

            Since before we’d set out, I’d noticed his rather sullen demeanor, and as I looked at him now, it seemed to have gotten worse. The cigarette hung in his mouth as if about to fall, and his forehead was ribbed with consternation. At least at home he’d been putting up some front of being cheerful, but out on the street where we were bound to run into people he knew—drinking buddies, poker rivals, and ex lovers—he had grown much more anxious.

            Not only that, he’d come home strangely early last night, and he’d seemed bothered then as well, pacing the house silently, issuing nonsensical excuses any time I tried to question him. It had been strange, and I’d wondered if he’d had a bad encounter at the bar.

            For living together a year and a half now, I had certainly ascertained that Gojyo was quite the town socialite, seemingly connected with everyone on the rougher spectrum of society, and yet he seemed to have very few enemies. I couldn’t imagine why he was looking around as if someone might sneak up on him.

            “Are you ill?” I guessed in passing. That would be inconvenient. If something was physically wrong with him, we’d have no choice but to abort Sanzo’s mission and return home so he could recuperate.

            I had to wait for his answer as some acquaintance of his emerged from the crowd, laughing and greeting him jovially.

            To my surprise, Gojyo gave the man a half-annoyed look, uttered a brusque, “hey,” scanned the crowd with a skeptical frown, and shoved on by, leaving his friend behind to puzzle over the anomaly.

            “Dunno,” he said to me, as we started forward again, and found it to be a strange response. Furthermore, one word answers were terribly uncharacteristic of him.

            Of course, even he had bad days, I reminded myself. Even so, after living together for so long, I didn’t think I could brush it off and go on telling myself he was fine.

            “I’m not sure _I’m_ feeling well myself,” I told him with a smile. “Perhaps last night’s dinner was to blame. After all, your ramen was very…unusual.”

            Finally, his gaze flickered over to meet mine, and an unenthusiastic grin unfurled across his lips. “I can’t figure out why you didn’t like it,” he said in an unnaturally flat tone.

            I wondered if the mission might be bothering him, though I’d never seen him unnerved by Sanzo’s jobs in the past. Also, I’d asked numerous times before departing whether or not he felt up to it, and he’d insisted that he did.

            Unexpectedly, he added, “That was the best batch of ramen I’ve ever made.”

            “Ah, then you’ll have to excuse me. Gojyo’s Best Ramen is likely an acquired taste.”

            “Hire a cook,” he snorted.

            “Oh, I couldn’t do that, not in good conscience. The poor woman would be harassed from dawn to dusk and would, undoubtedly, lay the blame on me. Eventually.” With a laugh, I added, “Clearly _you_ can’t be held accountable for your own actions.”

            “Ooo…” he feigned a wince, “Hitting below the belt today, ‘Kai?”

            “It’s only the truth.” I took it as a good sign that he was talking to me, and it even sounded as if he might be grateful for the distraction.

            “You know, Banri always ate my ramen without any bitching.”

            “Yes, well, Banri had…” I cleared my throat. “Peculiar tastes.”

            Gojyo paused to take a thorough look around, examining each passerby with ferocious scrutiny, and I looked him over discreetly. Lately, I’d been considering our living arrangement just as carefully as the way he studied our current environment. In the beginning, I had never intended to stay with him even this long. Six months, perhaps, and when a year rolled around, I’d told myself it was all right, but now I wondered if maybe I shouldn’t be trying to find a place of my own. It was the memory of the Banri incident that kept me from going just now. It haunted me, and I couldn’t seem to stop asking myself _why_ Gojyo would allow Banri to treat him in such a manner and how he’d come to be partnered with such a despicable individual in the first place.

            The possible answers concerned me and made me feel as if I shouldn’t leave until I fully understood, but as usual, when I mentioned Banri, Gojyo ignored it.

            “Nobody has to know my ramen sucks, right?” he asked inexplicably, stepping down from the curb to cross the street.

            “Of course not. It can be your deep, dark secret: Sha Gojyo, playboy extraordinaire, is terrible at making ramen. I won’t tell a soul.” I laid my hand over my heart.

            He shot a grin at me over his shoulder. “What a good friend.”

            “Unless of course said soul is in danger of ingesting your ramen. I’d be obligated then to say something—to save their life.”

            Chuckling a bit fakely, he shook his head. “Man, what’s up with you today? Somebody slip something into your tea this morning?”

            “Oh, come now, my behavior is hardly unusual.” I couldn’t help adding. “You’re the one who’s not himself this afternoon.”

            His smile stayed fixed upon his lips, though his eyes took on a rueful hue, and he suddenly leaned on me, resting his elbow across my shoulder. “Yeah. I know. Damn, what would you do if you didn’t have something to worry about?”

            “Read. It would be quite pleasant, because contrary to your beliefs, reading his highly beneficial to one’s character.”

            “If by that you mean makes you talk like a weirdo and act like there’s a brick up your ass, I think I’ll stick with porno mags.”

            “In that case, I would think you’d be grateful for my worrying.”

            He shrugged. “Sure, man, what would I do without it?”

            “You’d be all right, I assume.”

            “I dunno. I’ve completely forgotten how to take my own dishes to the sink.”

            “That’s something you’ll remember in time.”

            Gojyo frowned suddenly and gave me a hard look. “You going somewhere?”

            “Not immediately. Of course, there is always the chance I’ll die on this mission.”

            The joke was old. Many times in the past we’d hashed out just how unfortunate our luck would be should one of us die doing dirty work for Sanzo, and yet Gojyo suddenly fell back into his brooding silence, puffing on his cigarette and frowning deeply.

            That, I’d not expected, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Generally, pressing him got me nowhere and a good volley of jokes was my best option to shake him out of a mood, but to see my best efforts fail miserably made me think his problems today must be slightly more serious.

            On rare occasion, Gojyo did wake up in a sullen mood, but this felt different. From the way he kept glancing over his shoulder, I got the impression he might be in trouble.

            As we headed for the outskirts of town, the crowds thinned out, leaving only a handful of beady-eyed degenerates. I should get to the bottom of this, I told myself, before we got into a dangerous situation. After all, temporary emotional weakness could prove just as detrimental as a physical ailment.

            “What’s on your mind?” I wondered suddenly, but softly.

            Not missing a beat, he flashed another grin, and it looked genuine enough. “I’m just thinking about having a sexy cook living with us.”

            It was a brave effort, and I smiled back at him, saying seriously, “You know, if something is wrong, you can tell me.”

            My roommate blinked, smirk fading somewhat. “It’s nothin’, man, don’t worry about it.”

            “You act as if you’re looking for someone.”

            “Nah, like I said, it’s no big deal.” The grin lit up his eyes again. “For once, you don’t gotta worry, so pick out a fat, boring, non-pornographic book.”

            My own smile faltered. “Gojyo—”

            With a jerk, he froze in his tracks, staring up the road to where a group of men had rounded the corner and now sauntered toward us, their long coats drifting in the breeze.

            On the left and right of us, several more appeared from the shadowed alleyways, their greedy eyes fixed unwaveringly on us.

            “Shit…” Gojyo checked over his shoulder, and I followed suit, only to find more of them coming up behind us. “Oh, shit…”

            “Who are these men?” I asked, watching their heedless approach. Based on the fact that all fifteen were dressed the same way, all in black with tall boots and silver jewelry, I assumed they were a gang. As they drew nearer, I noticed they were armed with clubs and knives, so it could be we were about to be mugged. It seemed much more likely that they were the reason Gojyo had been so on edge.

            He didn’t answer, and a tall man stepped to the front of the gang. His jet-black hair was razor straight and longer than Gojyo’s even. A star-shaped mark stood out against the pale flesh of his forehead, and he studied us with murky, violet eyes.

            “Well, well, well,” he snickered. “I finally caught up to you, eh, kiddo?” He had a voice like rippling water, simultaneously calm and violent.

            With an insolent grin, Gojyo knocked the ashes off his cigarette. “Ikku. Long time no see, man. How’s the crypt treating you?”

            Ikku’s obscene smile expanded, teeth grinding against one another. He looked like a man who’d made a deal with the devil. “You know,” he said in a conversational tone, “this really isn’t the time for your dumb jokes, little boy. I didn’t come for your comedy routine.” He laughed all the same, which was a horrible sound, something like dumping glass down the garbage disposal.

            Meanwhile, I watched the rest of the gang circling around us, eyeing us hungrily, and I prepared to fight.

            Gojyo maintained a glib tone despite the threatening nature of our situation. “You were always too serious.”

            “Maybe so. But I warned you that smart mouth would get you in trouble—you should have taken _that_ more seriously.” Ikku took an aggressive step toward us, and I felt Gojyo lurch against me. Fortunately, he managed to hide it, otherwise, I got the impression they would have pounded on him, like wolves picking off a sickly deer.

            “Listen carefully, you little shit,” Ikku snarled, towering over us. “It’s taken me five years to find you; you know what I want, and if I don’t get it…” His smile twisted into a cruel gash. “You’re familiar with the consequences.”

Gojyo shuddered but scoffed, “You don’t scare me.”

            Ikku let out another horrible guffaw. “You’re stupid, kid.” Without warning, the laughter transformed into a deranged snarl, and he snagged a handful of Gojyo’s hair, giving it a violent yank. “You have no idea what kind of fire you’re playing with.”

            Squawking, Gojyo clawed at his wrist, but Ikku was too tall for him to do much else.

            I spoke up suddenly, “Forgive my interruption, but I’m afraid I’m feeling a bit neglected, and, admittedly, confused. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind explaining to me who in the world you are and what it is you want.”

            With the slow blink of a tiger, Ikku turned his hazy eyes on me. “Don’t tell me you actually found your brother, kiddo.”

            The words were a wash of cold shock spilling over me, and I found myself turning automatically to Gojyo.

            “He’s not my brother,” he winced, speaking through clenched teeth. “He’s nobody. I barely know him.”

            “Nobody, eh? In that case, he’d better keep his mouth shut.” Ikku kicked dirt over my shoes and suddenly released Gojyo, shoving him back into me. “Let’s get back to business, shall we, Gojyo? You know, what I’m really wondering is whether or not you intend to cooperate.”

            The rest of the youkai pressed in around us, eyes sparkling with anticipation, and I was beginning to think we might actually be in danger.

            “If you cooperate, this will go much easier for you and Mr. Nobody. If not, you better kiss Mr. Nobody goodbye, because no one in this backwater, shit town will ever see your scrawny ass again.”

            My heart clenched at the words, but Goyo glared at Ikku, defiantly.

            “You can eat my ass, Ikku.”

            Ikku grinned again. “I was hoping you’d say that. Boys,” he called to his men. “You know what happens next.”

            Immediately, his men sprang forward, eyes lit with murder, cackling and drawing their weapons. One reached for Gojyo.

            At the last second, he kicked the man in the teeth, knocking him back into the wall of his comrades, breaching the line. “Hakkai, run!”

            Before I could voice my surprise, he snagged my sleeve and dragged me toward their rapidly closing gap.

            Youkai surged in from both sides. I threw one over my knee and swung the second around by his shirt, smashing him into the next one to step up. Both tumbled to the ground.

            With his long reach, Ikku grabbed Gojyo by the arm, jerking him to a stop, eyes like polished stones as he hissed, “You can’t hide from me, kiddo. Go ahead—skip town again. Now that I’ve found you, I’ll never let you go. I’ll make you wish you’d never been born.”

            My roommate resembled a bird staring into the eyes of a cobra, paralyzed, and just when I thought he might simply collapse out of fear, he hauled off and hit Ikku in the nose. Blood sprayed across his shirt.

            Howling and clutching his face, Ikku staggered back. “You filthy, little slut! You’ll pay dearly for that!”

            Gojyo sprang away, knocking men down as he sprinted through the gang, and raced up the road. I thought I’d never seen him move so quickly. Before I knew it, he’d cut down a back alley, where he swung himself over a fence, and dove headlong into a crowd of people, weaving through them expertly.

            Right on his heels, I checked over my shoulder, and I couldn’t help wondering why we were running when it was more than instinctive now to both of us to fight.

            All the same, we ran deeper into the bad part of town, until I didn’t see any black-clad youkai coming after us. Only then did Gojyo stop, boots skittering on the loose gravel. I slammed into him.

            “In here.” He ducked into a dilapidated bar with boarded up window and a flickering open sign.

            The interior was equally seedy, nearly empty, with only a handful of hookers and drunks lounging around. It smelled rank, but Gojyo clipped past the bar. “’Sup, Tombo? Just gotta use your toilet?”

            From behind the bar, the proprietor gave us a blank look, and then we turned a corner and Gojyo shoved his way into the men’s room. Luckily, it was unoccupied.

            I lingered. “Gojyo—”

            “This’s no time to be a prude. Get your ass in here.” There was a frantic pitch to his tone, and I felt the panic charging through him when he dragged me in with him.

            If I had to guess, the disgusting facilities hadn’t been cleaned in more than a month, and I did my best not to look around, focusing on Gojyo as he clambered onto the slimy sink and forced open the window.

            “What in the world is going on?” I asked. “What do those men want—?”

            “Later.”

            “Exercise your powers of multi-tasking and at least attempt to explain—”

            “I said later, Hakkai. Okay? Let’s just get outta here first. Please?”

            Again, the panic was all too evident, and I suddenly felt as if I’d scraped a layer of grime from my glasses, able to see all too clearly how close he was to absolute hysteria. His hands were shaking and he was gritting his teeth, eyes wild, skin pale. It was an expression I’d only seen one or two times.

            “You aren’t…actually afraid of that man, are you?”

            “Goddammit, I said can’t we talk about this later?” He slammed the window open, and, without so much as a glance at me, shoved his shoulders through. In a moment, he’d vanished.

            Sighing, I followed.

            From there, we took all the back routes home, alternating between sneaking and flat-out running, weaving through alleys and back yards until I thought we might be arrested for trespassing. By the time we reached the road that would take us home, I’d all but forgotten the errand we were supposed to be completing, utterly consumed by the fear and determination radiating from my roommate.

            “Why are we going back to the house? If they’re following us—”

            “I just gotta go home, ‘kay, ‘Kai? Don’t come if you don’t wanna.”

            When he put it that way, I knew I had no choice but to swallow my annoyance and follow him. He was clearly too distraught to be left alone.

            We reached the house in one piece, where he locked the door behind us, drew all the blinds, and then slumped down at the kitchen table, shoving hair back from his face and resting his forehead on the heel of his hand. “God damn…”

            Shaking, he lit a cigarette, and I watched the tenseness of his shoulders and the rigid way he breathed. I’d never seen him this way, and it might have been fascinating were it not so disturbing.

            “Gojyo,” I said quietly, sidling up behind his chair. “Now that we’re here, please explain this to me.”

            “Not right now,” he said through a breath of smoke.

            “Yes, now. Please. We had to abandon the mission and come all the way back here, crawl through bathroom windows and sneak through the very bowels of that town. I demand to know why. At once.”

            He glared up at me. “I don’t need your nagging right now.”

            I held his gaze until he looked away. “I’ve never seen you so afraid, and frankly, I can’t make sense of it. That man was sinister, but I assume you could kill him if you wanted to.”

            “If I wanted to. That’s the problem.”

            “Even if you’d rather not, you could at least send him on his way.”

            “You don’t get it.”

            “Not at all. That’s why I’m asking you to explain it.”

            Anxiously, he bit the tip of his thumb and then worked his fingers through his hair. “Ikku is…a mafia boss. I met him when I was a teenager. I ran errands for him—like we do for Sanzo—whatever he wanted. I was in a ton of trouble already.”

            “I’m sure you were,” I allowed, struggling to stay patient. After all, I knew he’d been living on the streets through most of his teen years, and if fraternizing with a mafia boss didn’t scream I’m in trouble, I didn’t know what did. Again, I felt somewhat intrigued, if only because I knew so little about his youth.

            “Ikku agreed to help me out. He’s got his hands in a lot of stuff, like politics and prostitution—mostly prostitution—so he’s one rich sonnova bitch.”

            I felt my stomach flop. “You’re not going to tell me you were a prostitute once, are you?”

            He growled, “Not for that asshole.”

            “Are you implying—?”

            “That doesn’t matter right now,” he snapped. “And for the record, if you can get a chick to _pay_ to sleep with you before you’re even eighteen, you’ve got some serious skills.”

            That sounded like a typical Gojyo delusion to me, and I decided to drop it, not wanting to know the details anyway. “What does he want _now_ then?”

            Gojyo got to his feet suddenly, pacing a moment before answering. “Hakkai…it’s complicated.”

            “I don’t care if it’s _impossible_. You’d better explain it to me.”

            Pausing at the back door, he transformed into a somewhat melancholy silhouette, smoking there in silence for several minutes, and I began to think I’d have to needle him all night for my answers. At last, he exhaled heavily. “Ikku lent me a bunch of money to help get me outta trouble—he called it an investment—but…he always freaked me out. I figured if I kept hanging around him, owing him shit, I’d wind up being one of his asshole thugs.”

            Shrugging, he turned to me. “I took off.”

            My jaw dropped open. “You _stole_ from a mafia boss?”

            “Yeah…” he studied the table, shifting through his hair again. “I was kinda stupid as a kid.”

            “Then he’s here for his money?”

            “I think so.”

            For a long time, I stood there wondering what in the world to say next. I considered informing him outright that he was _still_ stupid, but there were so many questions I had to ask first. “Why are you so afraid of him? You haven’t explained that yet.”

            “I’m not scared of him, I just don’t wanna think about what he’s gonna do to me.”

            “I fail to see the difference, and in any case, you’re more than a match for him.”

            “He’s got a helluv an army, Hakkai. We didn’t even see half of it today. Besides, he’s got family that’ll come after me. I met a couple of them too. They’re not as nice as he is.” He smiled contritely.

            I drew a deep breath. Being in a lot of trouble didn’t even begin to describe that situation. “You don’t want to kill him because you don’t want an entire family of yakuza coming after you.”

            “You got it.” He tossed his cigarette into the sink.

            What a shame. Together, we’d be more than enough to take apart a mafia family, but there was no time, and I had to believe there was an easier way to fix this.

            “How much money _did_ you steal from him?”

            “Uh. You know. Not _that_ much. Just…” he swallowed hard. “Twenty mill.”

            Again, my mouth fell open, and this time I nearly fell down. “Twenty million _yen_?”

            “Yen.”

            Albeit, it wasn’t a monstrous amount of money, but it was certainly more than we two could accumulate in just a few days.

            He murmured. “He’s not gonna wait until tomorrow… Even if I had all week… I mean, I don’t make that much in a year.”

            Now I was the one pacing and shoving hair out of his eyes, stammering with disbelief and outrage. “How—how could you… Why on earth are you so…? I can’t believe the risks you’re willing to take.”

            Gojyo refused to look at me, but some anger rose up in his voice. “I was sixteen, Hakkai. I was in a fuck of a lotta trouble, and I didn’t wanna spend the rest of my life taking orders from that _murderer_. What was I supposed to do?” He added, viciously, under his breath, “We couldn’t _all_ be jerking off at college when we were fifteen.”

            I bit back my irritation and faced him, noting the shame and anxiety overtaking his body language. It wasn’t his fault, I reminded myself, that there wasn’t anyone around to look after him as a child.

            “Ikku mentioned your having a brother… I didn’t realize you had any family.”

            Gojyo winced like the words hurt him. “Half-brother.”

            “Where was _he_ through all of this?”

            “Shit. If I knew do you think it woulda happened in the first place.”

            “He’s dead then.”

            “No.” He faced me abruptly and then turned away again almost immediately. “I don’t know…” His voice trailed off, turning cloudy, as if the subject was draining him. “I have no idea where Jien went.”  The way he spoke that name was perplexing all on its own—so longing. So confused. Mixtures of reverence and anger. I heard resentment and sadness rolling together. I heard a deep-seated yearning to find something that might not exist at all anymore.

            _Jien…_

            To have both parents die when he was very young, and then to have his step mother make an attempt on his life, and to lose his brother in some manner… It was a good deal of loss to be confronted with at such an early age, and I understood him better for it.

            Automatically, my mind returned to its earlier suppositions about his relationship with Banri. He must have felt so abandoned. He must have turned to the first person he found that accepted him in the slightest. He must have been so reluctant to lose that, enough that he’d give his life to preserve it. After all, he’d told me himself how he hated to be alone.

            Compassion roused, I took a step toward him, thinking of laying my hand on his shoulder, but I got the feeling he wouldn’t accept it at the moment.

            “Anyway,” he went on. “I don’t give a shit about Jien. I just have to figure out what the hell I’m gonna do about Ikku.” With a long pause, he looked up at me again. “I might have to disappear for a while.”

            “You mean leave town?” I tried very hard not to sound distressed by the idea, but once he said it, I felt considerably apprehensive. It was an option, of course, but I’d rather not think of him wandering off to God knows where. I might never see him again.

            “I don’t have a choice,” Gojyo answered, and then launched into his reasoning.

            While he talked, I glanced around the house, at the tattered furniture and scored floor. It had the same stains pocking the stark walls, and the lights were still dim. Despite my best homemaking efforts, it was still the same shabby shack it had always been. Day after day, I went through the same ritual of collecting litter, sorting trash, arranging piles of magazines, and extracting cigarette butts from beer cans. I felt as if I’d done it hundreds and hundreds of times. Often the monotony and futility of that endeavor alone had made me question why I stayed her, but I was comfortable in this place. If he left, I would be faced with a choice: stay and maintain, or depart and settle down elsewhere.

            I interrupted Gojyo to point out, “You made me promise I wouldn’t leave, and yet here you are talking about walking out on me.”

            He paused in mid-sentence to give me a strange look. “I didn’t make you promise nothing,” he argued.

            That was true, I realized. I’d taken it upon myself to reassure him I wasn’t going anywhere, so my emotions must be getting the better of me. I tried to calm myself. “In any case, Ikku threatened to make your life miserable if you run.”

            “He’d have to catch me first,” he reminded me, still looking quizzically at me.

            I shook my head. “I don’t think leaving town is the answer.”

            Sighing, he scraped his fingers back through his hair. “Dude, why do you always have to argue with me? I don’t _want_ to leave town, Hakkai, but like I just said—I don’t have his money, and he’s gonna take it out of my hide.”

            “I understand that, but I’m not sure you’re really thinking so much as reacting out of panic.”

            “What the hell do you want from me?” he snapped. “Look, I’m sorry if I hafta go, but that’s the way it is. You can come if you want.”

            I could, I supposed. I could uproot from this paper-thin facsimile of normalcy and go on the run with him, but that didn’t sound especially appealing. After all, he was used to the footloose life of a roaming gambler, but I enjoyed the quiet comforts of home and the failsafe of a regular job. I wasn’t sure what I would do with myself if I suddenly lost the maddening routine of cleaning up this place.

            More carefully, I said, “Suppose he chases you indefinitely? At some point, you will have to either kill or repay him.”

            He frowned, and I knew he disagreed. He honestly believed he could run, keep running, and never get caught. Perhaps he even saw stagnating in this town as his real mistake. “I told you, killing him isn’t an option—I’ll be fucked worse than ever if I do that.”

            “Possibly,” I agreed.

            “I can’t pay him back.”

            Perhaps running was his only option and I was being selfish not wanting him to go. After all, the brutal pain I had once felt at the loss of Kanan was very real, and having Gojyo in my life was my greatest distraction from that. Without him, I feared I’d fall back into deep depression and hopelessness. I knew I shouldn’t let that be my driving factor with his life at stake. His safety should be paramount, and I found myself desperate to keep him in my life.

            “You have to pay him back somehow,” I said at last.

            “Great idea,” he sneered. “I wonder why I didn’t think of that. Where am I gonna get that kinda money, Hakkai? Between the two of us, we _might_ have five million yen.”

            “Yes, but if we keep our heads—”

            I cut myself short, cocking my head to listen.

            Gojyo straightened up. “What’s wrong?”

            “I hear voices.”

            Together, we flew to the living room window and, standing on either side of it, leaned over to peek out. A group of men had gathered in our yard—approximately twenty of them—all carrying flaming torches, with Ikku leading them closer to our house. Their jeering laughter echoed through the trees.

            “It appears we’re out of time,” I said grimly.

            “Shit,” Gojyo breathed, eyes growing wide.

            “All right, Gojyo!” Ikku boomed. “The game is over! Bring your whiny ass out here and accept your fate!”

            “Fuck.” Gojyo ground his smoldering cigarette against the wall.

            “If you don’t want to cooperate, we’ll burn this place down!”

            “Fuck!” He turned from the window.

            I caught his arm. “What are you doing?”

            “What do you think? I gotta go out there.”

            “Just a moment. It could be a bluff. Why don’t we--?”

            “Ikku don’t bluff, Hakkai.” Wrenching away, he headed for the door, and I followed, swearing under my breath.

            The day was still warm, though the light had turned golden, and the shadows were long and deep. Aside from the shouting horde of youkai laying siege to our house, the woods were silent. As we stepped out, Ikku moved in, flanked by six men, three on each side. I noticed blood crusted under his nose from when Gojyo had struck him, and his eyes were inflamed with violence.

            “Didn’t get very far did you?” he crowed. “It’s senseless to run, Gojyo—I’ve been more than gracious with you, but now it’s time to pay your dues, one way or another.”

            Beside me, Gojyo stayed still, and even with Ikku towering over him he stayed calm, keeping his voice even. “Don’t be a dick about this, Ikku. I’d hate to hafta kill you.”

            Knowing him as I did, I recognized his poker voice, offering no indication whatsoever that he didn’t want to resort t violence, and his face bore a serene expression, his body language confident. To look at him, you wouldn’t think he was afraid at all.

            Ikku laughed loudly and shook his head, eyes gleaming with anger. Instead of answering the bluff, he focused on me. “Hello again, Mr. Nobody. I’m shocked to find you here.”

            “I don’t see why you should be,” I answered coolly. “This place is my home.” Gojyo’s erratic bluff be damned—I meant to show him my determination to defend the house and all its contents.

            With another laugh, Ikku sneered. “You’re shacking up with this good-for-nothing, eh? A dangerous bet. Listen here, Mr. Nobody, I did some checking up on you, and according to the scum in this town, you’re quite a fighter, am I right?”

            “With proper incentive, I can be.”

            “I completely understand, and that’s why I’ve brought a little incentive for just such an occasion.” He threw a heavy pouch at my feet, and I heard the telling jangle of coins. “Go on your way, and I’ll reimburse you for the inconvenience.”

            Gojyo shifted beside me, clearly uncomfortable with the development, though I’d like to think he wouldn’t expect me to betray him that easily. I examined the money on the ground, thoughtfully. If he was trying to bribe me out already, he must truly be wary of me, and that was an advantage I could use.

            “What may I ask would compel you to be so generous.”

            “My business is pleasure, Mr. Nobody, not murder, and I’d just as soon not have your blood on my hands.” He smiled wolfishly.

            My roommate stared at me from the corner of his eye, while I stooped to retrieve the wallet and test its weight. If I had to guess, there was more than ten thousand yen inside—a fair amount to convince a casual spectator to get himself out of a sticky situation, to be sure. Yakuza be damned, I told myself. I’d kill this man with my own two hands if I had to. I smiled at the idiocy of it all, wondering how I’d come to this point so unexpectedly.

            Obviously taking my expression as an indication of agreement, he nodded to me and returned his attention to Gojyo. “Even you can’t want to play this the hard way now, Gojyo. Give up. I know you don’t want Mr. Nobody to see you cry.”

            Though my roommate’s voice hadn’t lost any of its conviction, he said, “Go ahead an pay off all my friends for all I care. I ain’t gonna surrender.”

            With a wicked laugh, Ikku taunted, “Oh, look how far you’ve fallen. And I always had such high hopes for you. You’re such a fighter, and one helluva gambler.” He jabbed his finger at Gojyo’s face, tone turning vicious. “But you can’t gamble your way out of this one, boy.”

            “Suck me sideways.” Gojyo glared defiantly at him, and as I watched the hope fading from his eyes, I struck upon an idea. A wild idea, mad even, perhaps, a last-ditch effort which might actually stand a chance at preserving the life of my partner and providing him with a way to stay in town.

            “Enough, Gojyo. Either I get my money, or—”

            “Just one moment, Ikku-san,” I spoke up quickly, going so far as to take a step between them. “I wonder if I could appeal to your business sense for a short while.”

            Clearly, Ikku did not appreciate being interrupted, but he blinked at me, still wary, and then slowly grinned. “Kid, when you deal with Ikku, you’re dealing with his business sense.”

            “That’s very good to hear. So then, if I may, I assume the only thing you want from Gojyo is your twenty-million yen.”

            “What else could I possibly want from a scumbag like him?”

            “I’d rather not know.” I smiled up at him. “However, I also assume that if you were to receive your twenty-million, you would be satisfied and go on your way.”

            A certain suspicion entered his eyes, and he took a moment to reply, but then said, “But of course. That’s what I’ve come for.”

            I didn’t know if I particularly believed him, but those were the words I needed to hear for now. “In that case, since you said you’d prefer to avoid bloodshed, wouldn’t it be simpler to stop these unnecessary threats and give him a chance to repay you?”

            Mystified, he said, “That’s exactly what I’m asking for.”

            “Well, yes, but you must know that that sort of money isn’t lying around a place like this. I’m sure you didn’t expect to come to town and find Gojyo with the money in his pockets—naturally, he had no idea you were coming. If you ask me, it all boils down to a matter of profit, and there’s little profit to be had in killing him. You would, of course, have the satisfaction of making him suffer, but in the end, you would still be out twenty-million yen.”

            Ikku’s brow furrowed as if he hadn’t thought of that, though I had to assume he must have. Perhaps he simply hadn’t expected anyone to tell him so. His men murmured to each other in slight confusion as well. “Yes, I suppose that’s true…”

            “It doesn’t do to allow someone like Gojyo to get away with taking you for twenty-million yen, does it? The best you could hope for is to get some, preferably all, of that money back.”

            “What’re you doing, Hakkai?” Gojyo mumbled under his breath.

            But Ikku’s eyes had begun to glow with interest. “Go on.”

            “It’s in your best interest—and his—to allow Gojyo a little more time to come up with the money. If he succeeds, I expect you’ll be satisfied and leave him intact.”

            “And if he fails?” he growled.

            I shrugged carelessly. “I leave that to your discretion. You’ve already purchased my neutrality.”

            A few moments passed. The men gave me uncertain looks, and Ikku stroked his chin, glancing between my partner and I, thoughtfully, before he finally said, “You’re quite the smart guy, Mr. Nobody, but I wonder… What is your motive, exactly?”

            “Gojyo and I run a profitable business. I’d be unable to operate it on my own.”

            Again, his expression grew pensive, but I knew I had him.

            “I see,” he said slowly. “And how do I know he won’t skip town the moment my back is turned?”

            Deliberately, I looked at Gojyo. “Oh, I don’t think he has any need to leave town. I’m confident in his ability to get the money in a timely manner.”

            Ikku snorted. “I’m not.”

            “Well, if he does try to run away, you will still get the satisfaction of hunting him down and breaking his neck. Eventually.”

            Gojyo glared at me, face a little less calm than it had been moments ago, and I smiled back at him, reassuringly.

            Ikku’s grating laughter broke the silence. “Mr. Nobody, you are something. Fine then, Gojyo, your partner’s convinced me. You have twenty-four hours to make twenty-million yen appear out of thin air. I wish you luck.” Judging by his awful grin, he didn’t think for a moment Gojyo would succeed.

            With a snap of his fingers, he and his men began to back away. “I’ll come back tomorrow.” He smiled icily. “If you fail, I expect you to die a gentleman’s death. If you’re ballsy enough to skip town again, don’t doubt I _will_ come after you.”

            “You got it,” Gojyo drawled, starting a new cigarette.

            In another moment though, they were gone, and Gojyo turned on me with bulging eyes. “Are you bat shit fuckin crazy, Hakkai?”

            “That’s rather rude. You should be thanking me.” I laughed.

            “ _Thanking_ you? You just told that nutjob I’d have his money by tomorrow! There’s no way in hell!”

            I listened to his voice, noticing that the calm had fallen away, replaced once more by the mild hysteria from earlier. “Ikku, creepy as he may be, is right about one thing. You are a good gambler.”

            “Let me stop you _right_ there. Twenty four hours isn’t enough time! Not even if I skip eating and sleeping!”

            “Perhaps not, but you must admit running away or fighting will only jeopardize your life further, so one must conclude that getting the money together is your only chance at surviving.”

            Bitterly, he laughed. “Then I’m dead.”

            “Something to consider the next time you feel inclined to steal from the mafia. All the same, I don’t think the situation is as hopeless as all that. After all.” I jingled the wallet. “We’re approximately ten thousand yen closer to our goal, and if we pool our money together, including the amount from Sanzo’s mission, we’ll have more than enough to play with.”

            His eyes grew even wider as his incredulity mounted. “It’s insane, Hakkai! We didn’t even do the errand for Sanzo!”

            “I think he’ll give us an advance once he hears about the situation.”

            “Why the hell would he?”

            “Because, if something happens to you, the mission won’t ever get done,” I reminded him patiently. “I wasn’t lying when I said I can’t do any of this on my own.”

            “It doesn’t matter!” he shouted. “Even _if_ Sanzo gives you an advance on what he _might_ owe us _when_ we finish his job, we still won’t have even a fraction of what we need! I ain’t a magician! How—?”

            Gently, I interrupted, “Please try to calm down and trust me.”

            He scowled.

            “You don’t have to do this alone, you know. I intend to help you.”

            The frown faltered at that, replaced by some surprise.

            “And when was the last time you saw me lose a hand of poker? Of _anything_?”

            Finally appearing somewhat reassured, he muttered, “Never…”

            I flashed him a confident smile. “Then I suggest you not worry about it. I’ll go speak with Sanzo about the advance.”

            “Yeah, but…nobody in this town is gonna wanna play you. Even if they did, everybody’s piss poor.”

            “That’s why we’re not going to play with the local drunks this time, which brings me to my next point. While I’m away at Keiun, you’ll need to acquire a suit, the nicest you can find.”

            He looked as if he could hardly stand any of this much longer. “A _suit_? We’re fucked, and you want me to put on a _suit_?”

            “I don’t care if you borrow or rent it, as long as you don’t dig it out of a dumpster. I don’t have time to explain the details just now, so please try to trust me.”

            Slowly, he nodded, though he still stared at me as if I’d lost my mind. “I’m tryin, man. You know…Hakkai, this ain’t really any of your business.”

            I couldn’t stop my disapproving frown. Even after a year and a half of living together and fighting side by side, that was still his idiotic way of trying to protect me from things that threatened him. “Debatable, isn’t it? After all, if you go missing tomorrow I wonder who stays behind and pays for everything all alone.”

            He lowered his eyes. “I just meant…it’s not your problem. You don’t have to get involved.”

            “Gojyo,” I said firmly, looking him in the eyes. “I _want_ to.”

 

            “You clean up rather nicely.”

            He took a long look over his shoulder, obviously searching the streets for any sign of Ikku or his gang. It would be absurd to think someone wasn’t keeping an eye on us to ensure that Gojyo didn’t try to leave town, but the night was quiet, the sun had set a little over an hour ago, and I saw no immediate sign of spies.

            “Try to relax,” I suggested. “It’s a beautiful evening, and I doubt you’ll be recognized in that suit anyway.”

            Gojyo smoothed the front of his white jacket. He’d not found a tie and had his crimson shirt open at the collar, giving him a typical devil-may-care appearance, but the slacks matched the suit at least, and he’d pulled his hair into a ponytail. Slowly, he turned to me, a semi-skeptical expression marring his otherwise blasé demeanor. “You look like you were born in that thing.”

            Laughing, I adjusted my tie. I’d bought the suit for job interviews and had only needed to wear it once. I knew the forest green tie and deep black of the coat and pants, along with the gold cufflinks, suited me perfectly, but I asked, “Do you think so? It was quite expensive, so I’m just glad to have an opportunity to wear it. If I may ask, where did you acquire yours?”

            “It’s mine.”

            “Yours? You mean to say you had a suit all along?”

            “Don’t sound so surprised. All the ladies die when I wear it. Anyway, you gonna tell me where we’re going or not?”

            He’d asked several times, but still I said, “Perhaps in a moment.”

            “Dude.” He scowled. “That’s like the sixth time you’ve said that.”

            “Yes, because I know you won’t like the answer.” Then again, we were close now, and he’d find out in a moment. “We’re going to the Hu-die.”

            As I expected, Gojyo turned a wide-eyed look on me. “You’re shittin me.”

            “It’s the only place in town where the stakes are high enough to win the amount we need.”

            “Yeah, but they probably won’t even let us in the door.”

            “We may have to crawl through a window,” I agreed, laughing.

            “Fuck, c’mon, Hakkai, we won’t fit in there even if we _can_ get in.”

            “We’ll be fine, provided you keep your mouth shut and your hands to yourself. Still, if you have another method to win the money in twenty-four hours, please feel free to say so.”

            Judging by his frown, he didn’t approve of the plan at all, and I understood that easily enough. Twenty-million was still an ungodly amount of money to win in one night, even at the Hu-Die.

            Most of our town’s population was composed of deadbeats and paupers, but the handful of rich and fortuitous people living uptown still needed places to entertain their equally affluent guests or unwind with their mistresses. Normally, people like Gojyo wouldn’t be allowed unless it was to bus the tables, but I knew he didn’t want to go because, as he’d told me numerous times, he hated those kinds of people.

            Accordingly, he fell into another brooding silence as we trudged up snob hill, where the lights were bright, the trees were old, and music filled the air. I marveled at the elaborate architecture, but the people kept their noses pointed at the sky, ignoring us as they hustled by in their expensive evening wear.

            At the heart of uptown, we reached the casino, arranged at the top of a hill and built from alabaster, its multi-colored lights dazzling across the waters of the fountain out front. A queue of well-dressed patrons moved steadily through the entrance, ladies on arms.

            We hesitated across the street.

            “Hey, Hakkai,” he asked slowly, “you got a plan B or something?”

            “It’s bit rash to consider plan B when we haven’t even put plan A into action.”

            “Yeah, but you got one, right?”

            “Yes, of course, but we won’t need it.” I faced him. “If I may, before we go in, I’d like to establish some ground rules. Number one: do not, under any circumstances, get drunk here. Number two—”

            “I can’t _drink_? It might be my last night alive!”

            “I didn’t say you can’t drink, I’m simply asking that you don’t become intoxicated. As I was saying, rule two: don’t you dare become entangled with some high-dollar prostitute and run off somewhere to—”

            “I wouldn’t do that,” Hakkai,” he snorted, conveying some irritation.

            “I wouldn’t expect you to. That being said however, I wouldn’t think it completely impossible either. Now stop interrupting, please. Rule three—and this rule is most important—no matter what anyone says to you, no matter how offensive it maybe or how angry it may make you, do not, do not, do _not_ start a fist fight in here.”

            Tragically, he sighed. “No drinkin’, no fuckin’, no fightin’. God, I hate this place already.”

            “It’s good to exercise your willpower on occasion. Now then, as long as the ground rules are crystal clear—they _are_ crystal clear, are they not?”

            “Yeah, yeah, I got it.” He flicked his cigarette butt into the gutter.

            “I’m grateful. Now, as I was saying, I’d like to remind you that this is a team effort; I’ve divided our money in half so we can each play independently, but it would be wise to stay close together. After all, it’s possible Ikku has sent an informer after us or that he might have some reason to keep us from getting the money, and although I may be a better gambler, I will need your help. If you think we came all way up here so you can play around while I bluff our way out of this mess, please keep in mind that I can just as easily—”

            “Okay, Hakkai, okay. I got it. Can we just get this over with?” He began to lead the way across the street.

            “Just one more thing, Gojyo.”

            As he looked back at me, his normally composed face turned to a mask of agitation. “Na?”

            “No cheating.”

            At first, he denied that he’d had any intention of cheating, and once I’d pressed him into confessing that he’d hidden a number of cards up his sleeve, he argued that he was playing for his life this time and cheating was a crucial survival skill of his. Still, I was adamant that he dispose of the cards, refusing to go another step until I was satisfied, at which point, he tossed them into the street, more annoyed than ever. Only then did we make our way to the main entrance, where, fortunately, security let us in with no more than a disdainful look.

            Inside, the building was fancier than I’d imagined. Most of the interior had been decorated in rich violet and scarlet. Shimmering curtains lined sparkling portrait windows, and the marble floors showed my reflection. Patrons dressed to the nines laughed and drank champagne beneath impossibly high ceilings and crystal chandeliers.

            First and foremost, Gojyo approached the mahogany bar to order a whiskey neat, insisting he would not spend what could potentially be his last night alive without drinking at least a little. I agreed it would lend authenticity to our roles of wild playboys, so I allowed it and got a martini for myself.

            From there, we wended our way through the dining room, passing people stuffing their faces with crab and steak over crisp tablecloths and red candles as we made our way into the casino floor. Already the high rollers had gathered there, smoking cigars and booming about their personal wealth.

            Shoulder to shoulder, we hesitated at the doorway taking in the view of the sweeping room, and then we matched gazes. A mischievous grin eased its way across his mouth, achingly, as if he knew how suspicious it looked and simply couldn’t help himself.

            I smiled back. These people were full of themselves, confident in their station, and they wouldn’t expect a pair of young men like us to swoop down and rob them blind.

            “It’s a room full of mules,” Gojyo muttered.

            I gestured for him to precede me. “Shall we?”

Gojyo sauntered into the casino like he belonged there, cigarette blazing in his mouth, and all eyes seemed to turn to him, shocked by his exposed chest, flaming hair, and evident audacity.

            Smoothly, I followed him to the table of his choice, where we found two open chairs, and smiled politely at the three men seated there already. “Excuse me. Would it be too much to ask if we may join your game?”

            An elderly gentleman in a white cap of hair and a monocle much like the one I sometimes wore looked me over, seemed to decide I was all right, and then slid an uncertain glance at Gojyo. He nodded slowly. “Yes, I suppose that would be—”

            “Cool.” Gojyo slumped into the chair, slamming his glass down. “Thanks, pops.”

            “—fine.”

            “Thank you very much.” I sat down to casually examine the competition. Directly to my left sat a man a bit younger than the first, his saggy face framed by ash-gray hair and graced by a delicate moustache. The man to the right of Gojyo looked to be in his thirties, with slanted eyes and a perpetual frown. None of them seemed to like the look of us, nor did they seem threatened.

            “Alright.” Gojyo rapped his knuckles on the table. “Let’s go.”

            The first few hands went well enough. I laughed and made disarming small talk with our new acquaintances, discussing weather and economy while casually wiping our their carefully-earned chips. Gojyo sat back and smoked, barely paying attention to the game. He’d played with me enough now to know I’d beat him.

            Before I knew it, I’d won four hands in a row, nearly tripled the twenty-five thousand I started with, and one by one our disgruntled opponents folded and left the table.

            “That’s a good start, I suppose.” I split my winnings between the two of us. “I recommend we play separate tables a while in order to increase profits. Do stay close though.”

            “Sure you can trust me, Sensei?” he teased.

            “Try not to lose.” I smiled pleasantly. “Your life is at stake.”

            After that, we roamed far and wide, playing tables across the room from one another and then right next to each other. At times, we sat back to back, and side by side when we needed to check in. Not surprisingly, he quickly turned this life or death matter into a contest, mumbling numerous times about how I was “still ahead.” Only once did he have the opportunity to shout, all too triumphantly, “Ah-ha! I’m ahead of you by two hundred yen!”

            It was only a fluke though, and within another hour and a half, I’d left him in the dust.

            The people were easy enough to get along with. They never did seem to like the look of me when I first came, begging graciously to join them, wearing what they would see as a cheap suit, and they liked me even less when I’d taken a large portion of their money. Still, they remained polite, in their snobbish way, and I was always careful not to reveal too many details about my personal life. It was easy to keep the focus on them and let them blather away.

I had, of course, a detailed back story about my so-called brother and I, recipients of a trust fund who’d just settled into a quiet part of town very far from the Hu-Die, where we could keep to ourselves. Not many of them let me get much further than that.

            Referring to Gojyo as my brother though, forced me to keep in mind our dire circumstances, and to reflect on what he’d told me in the afternoon about his own brother. More than anything, I was surprised he hadn’t mentioned his brother before, and I couldn’t come up with a good excuse for why he hadn’t.

            From across the room, I watched him flirting with the woman next to him. She was older, but she was laughing, and he appeared to be having a good time. Of course, he’d had at least four whiskeys by then. The tale of his brother made me question how much of his cheerful disposition was just a front, as well as his drinking habits. Gojyo had always, from the very beginning, adhered to the policy of mind your business and I’ll mind mine, so perhaps he’d just never thought it was any of my concern to know about Jien. Or perhaps the wound ran deep enough that he wasn’t sure how to express it. Possibly, he’d just never thought to tell me. Whatever it was, I found myself feeling bothered by it all, wanting to know more.

            I’d always wanted my sister beside me for as long as I could remember, from the day my parents took her from me, to the day she died in front of me, and it agitated that wound inside me to think that Gojyo’s brother wasn’t with him when he should have been. He should have kept him from mingling with the mob. He should have kept him from Banri. He should have kept him from being this lonely, misguided, chain smoking disaster who picked up murderers off the side of the road.

            The seat next to him opened up, and I seized the opportunity to sit down beside him.

            Face flushed with alcohol, he greeted me warmly.

            “Are you watching your drinking?” I asked quietly.

            “Yeah, you bet.” He grinned and then winked at the woman. “He makes sure I don’t miss my AA meetings too.”

            Trying to smile as well, I searched his eyes for any sign of heartache, remembering again the day he’d confided in me that he hated to be alone. Suddenly, I wished we were at home, because I would really like to ask again about his brother. Knowing his parents had killed themselves and his step mother had tried to kill him was alarming enough. I’d agonized over those realities ever since I’d learned them. I’d tried to think of ways to ease that pain. His brother though… _he_ was the one who should have been beside Gojyo. Not me.

            My roommate didn’t seem to share in any of my unhappy thoughts. On a buzz, he was twice as sociable as usual, and considerably more charming. I tried to relax, telling myself he was fine, and he should be allowed to do this his own way as much as I was at liberty to do it my way. In any case, as we played another hand together, I began to understand something else about him.

            For as long as I’d known him, I’d been under the impression that he was trapped in some delirium that he didn’t have to be mature. That he could keep up this reckless behavior forever, because it was cool and there was no one to stop him. However, as I watched him unwittingly break nearly every rule I’d laid for him outside, it struck me that he wasn’t refusing to grow up. No. He had no idea how to.

            Every authority figure ever given him was dead. His brother—whoever he may have been—was gone, and Gojyo had lived a life devoid of structure or discipline, taking his hard knocks and learning what he could from them. Survival was paramount to him. Consequences didn’t matter as long as he could keep winning. No one had taught him otherwise.

            Even I, with all my well-intentioned admonishments and my endeavor to always set a good example, pretentiously believing he might wake up one day, take a look at my behavior, compare it to his own, and realize he was childish, had made no real difference to him.

            _That’s rather immature of_ me, I told myself, slapping down a full house.

            What could one expect though? My childhood had been so different from his, laden with religion and structure and rules. Going to school and being with Kanan had only honed my sense of responsibility.

            I had no right, I realized, as he rowdily threw his arm around my neck and laughed in my ear. I had no right at all to ever again think less of him for being who he was.

            Gojyo toasted my latest win with his whiskey, knocking his head lightly against my own.

            Wryly, I smiled. _Hakkai, you are an ass, aren’t you?_

 

            Dawn crept up on us quickly, and by then I felt exhausted. Nevertheless, we’d met our quota with money to spare, and Gojyo hadn’t gotten us thrown out. Quite the opposite in fact; where I’d made enemies with the victims of my triumphs, Gojyo seemed to have made everyone in the casino fall in love with him. By the time we were preparing to leave, they all knew his name and wanted to buy him drinks. He took it all in an unassuming manner, as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.

            I didn’t blame them, I thought as I cashed in my chips. His unique combination of overconfidence, vulnerability, imperfection, and honesty was endearing to say the least. When he suggested a celebratory round of drinks, I agreed without much thought. At the moment, I couldn’t bear to deny him anything, and as I examined my involvement in any of this, I came to understand, with more clarity than ever, that I loved him.

            When we’d each had a bloody Mary, we departed for home.

            “We did it!” he exalted when we’d gotten a few blocks from the casino. “I can’t believe it! Stuff like that’s not supposed to work, you know? You don’t just win all the money you need to pay off the mob boss looking to break your knees in one night!”

            “Most people probably _can’t_ ,” I told him with a smile.

            Gojyo settled his arm on my shoulder, and I dwelled on how grateful I was for that contact. There had been such a long time when I’d believed I didn’t deserve anything even resembling affection.

            “Not everybody kicks ass at cards like we do,” he agreed.

            “We?” I teased.

            “You. Not everybody kicks ass like you do.”

            “We’ll see if Ikku is as impressed as you are.”

            “Ha! That old man’s gonna drop his teeth. Impressed! He’ll probably just die!”

            “I think you’re right,” I added, feeling a cloud of doubt pass over my good humor. “It could be a tense situation.”

            “Hell, he’s got nothing to bitch about. Like you said. Shit. Things’re looking up for once.”

            And yet, I reminded myself, this wasn’t over yet.

 

            At home, Gojyo tore his suit off, flung it carelessly into his room, and passed out on the couch, clutching the satchel containing our winnings in his arms. Without a doubt, his trust in me had overcome the doubts he started out with.

            I observed him a moment, reflecting again on the discoveries I’d made in the Hu-Die, and then ate a light breakfast. I went to bed, leaving my door ajar in case something happened. I managed to sleep, but fitfully, and full of worrisome dreams.

            Around noon, I was up again. I tidied the kitchen and made lunch. By the time Gojyo woke up, it was nearly time for Ikku to return, and my concerns had mounted.

            “I’m so not worried,” my roommate announced, finishing his lunch. “I can’t wait to see the look on that ass’s face.”

            I cleared the table.

            “Gojyo,” I said in a while. “You told me Ikku called the money he lent you an investment.”

            “Yeah, something nuts like that.” He puffed his cigarette.

            “What do you suppose that means?”

            Shrugging, he yawned. “I guess he thought I was gonna stick around and be one of his cronies some day.”

            “He must have been quite impressed with you at the time. You were only sixteen, weren’t you?”

            Blinking like that had never occurred to him, he agreed slowly, “Uh, yeah, I guess.”

            I decided I’d rather not spoil his mood, but it worried me all the more to know that. Ikku’s interests clearly went beyond getting his money back. After all, he’d _known_ from the beginning Gojyo wouldn’t have it…

            So what _did_ he really want?

            For the next hour, I mulled it over, watching the hands of the clock drag by. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I went to sit on the front step, and Gojyo joined me, smoking while I drank tea.

            Ikku was punctual. In fact, he was early. He came out of the woods, accompanied by his same six henchmen five minutes ahead of schedule, his stride just as self-assured and sinister as ever. Still, when he found us waiting calmly for him, his expression betrayed bewilderment.

            “Good afternoon,” I greeted with a smile.

            “Good afternoon…” he echoed venomously.

            Gojyo got to his feet and heaved the money bag to him. “Got your money, Dracula.”

            Warily, I watched Ikku confirm the amount, and then he stood there puzzling over our success.

            “Boss?” one of his henchmen called.

            “It’s all here,” Ikku announced, and the men shifted. He glared at me. “You tricked me, Mr. Nobody.”

            I rose to stand beside Gojyo. “How so?”

            “I didn’t expect this no-account lowlife to _succeed…_ ”

            “Success is not exactly a trick, but for sake of argument, what _did_ you expect?”

            “Don’t matter,” Gojyo decided, throwing his cigarette down. “You got your money, and there’s nothing left to hold over my head. No reason to chase me around. So take your creepy-ass boy scout troop and scram.”

            “Gojyo,” Ikku growled darkly, “I think you’re forgetting something very important.”

            “Yeah.” My roommate tensed and closed his fists. “What’s that?”

            Ikku shouldered over to tower above us, gnashing his teeth. “I own you.”

            In a lightning-fast blur, he threw the money aside and seized Gojyo’s shirt front, taking a swing at him.

            Gojyo ducked under the fist easily and wrenched loose, kicking him back.

            Snarling, Ikku drew a knife from under his long coat.

            Immediately, I launched forward, snagging his wrist to twist the weapon away.

            The henchmen rushed us, screaming, but stopped short as I jammed the knife under Ikku’s chin, letting the point rest against his skin.

            He stared at me with wide, dark eyes. “You said you wouldn’t fight me.”

            “I said you had purchased my neutrality,” I reminded him coldly. “Which was a lie. Furthermore, I said you could do whatever you wanted with Gojyo in the event that he failed to come up with the money.”

            “Then—”

            “You have your money. This stunt has sealed your doom.”

            Ikku chuckled. “Gimme a break, kid. This has nothing to do with you.”

            “Nothing could be further from the truth. Frankly, you’re lucky I didn’t kill you yesterday.”

            He scoffed. “Pathetic.”

            “I suppose it would look that way to someone like you.”

            “C’mon, Hakkai,” Gojyo said. “Forget it.”

            “Forget that this scumbag came here to take you away, money or no money? Forget that whatever he has in mind for you is likely worse than death? I think not.”

            “You wanna get his whole freakin family on your back?”

            I glared at Ikku. His henchmen closed in slowly, but they wouldn’t dare attack when I had a knife to their boss’s throat. “I’m right though, am I not? You were never going to let him off the proverbial hook. Not if you thought you could control him.”

            “Cho Hakkai,” Ikku spat out my name like a curse. “I’ve heard about you; in this town, and in others, they say Sha Gojyo’s new partner is violent and bloodless, too smart for his own good.”

            “Then you should have known better than to attempt outdoing me.”

            “Maybe so.” He blinked slowly, and a sparkling grin cut across his face. “Ask yourself this, Cho Hakkai: do you really want to start a war with a yakuza family over a worthless punk like Gojyo?”

            “You started this,” I reminded him softly. “I’ll finish it.”

            “Of all the egotistical things… I can give you anything you want—name it, and I’ll—”

            “I want my _roommate_.”

            A fierce flash flickered across his eyes, a blend of fury and fear. I saw him make a grab for another blade concealed at his hip.

            I drove the knife up into his brain like cutting through butter, and dropped him on the ground, watching him die in a gurgling scream.

            Gojyo pounced on the knife he’d been going for, just as his men rushed at me, weapons drawn.

            Before the first one could reach me, six bodies lay around him, and he stood there drenched in blood.

            Silence pervaded the woods. I watched Gojyo, a bit startled. “See?” I said quietly. “You would have been a good investment if you weren’t so…wayward.”

            A bit stiffly, he turned to face me, trying to grin and failing. “What a pain in the ass.”

 

            Back inside, we cleaned ourselves up, and then Gojyo went for the liquor stash. When I commented on the time of day, he reminded me he didn’t get to get hammered last night. My concerns nagged at me as I tried to go about my business, but in time it was clear he had no intentions of leaving the house, so I heated some sake and sat down with him, noting the unusually gloomy expression he wore.

            “We got to keep the money,” I reminded him.”

            “I know right? At least that wasn’t a total waste of time.” His voice sounded normal, but his eyes looked troubled, and from the way he was burning through alcohol, it was apparent he was trying to get quite drunk.

            “We could have saved ourselves the trouble if we’d fought him yesterday…” I said when more time had passed.

            Gojyo was tipsy by then, swiping continuously at his hair and taking one shot after another, lounging back on the couch, eyes fixed on some uninspiring TV program.

            “I just thought we should give plan A a shot first.”

            “Wha’ever,” he snorted, “I’m just glad that shit’s over…”

            “Well, hopefully. You seem convinced his family could come back for revenge.”

            “Maybe. _Prob’ly._ Tha’s my luck.”

            “Yes, but I’m the one who killed Ikku. I imagine they won’t be particularly interested in you.”

            He shrugged. “Can’t letcha have all the fun.”

            “Well, no, but you could also stay out of it…”

            “Wha?” He glared at me. “Think I can’t handle a little mafia rumble?”

            After watching him take those six men apart so quickly and mercilessly, I had no doubt he could. “I didn’t say that, just that you don’t have to. Assuming they come at all.”

            Gojyo rolled his eyes. “This comin’ from _you,_ ya nosey fucker.”

            I tried to smile. “I can’t argue with that.” Downing a little sake, I asked, “Just what sort of trouble were you in to put yourself in this situation in the first place?”

            He sighed. “There was…this girl… She needed the money.”

            My eyebrows threatened to rise, but I forced myself to maintain an expressionless face. “A girl in need of twenty-million yen?”

            “Yeah… She was a handful.”

            And he, in his idiotically gallant way, had sought to save her by sacrificing himself. “Oh, Gojyo,” I groaned. “Why? Of all the mistakes to be fated to make again and again…why is _that_ yours?”

            He studied me, clearly not understanding my line of thinking. “I was stupid. Like I said. She’s dead an’way, so I’m really extra fantastically stupid.”

            I frowned down into my choko, watching the wavering line of sake. “I don’t think you’re stupid. I just wonder how you ever came to be in such unfortunate circumstances.”

            Taking another shot of whiskey, he leaned back on the armrest. “How does an’body? The world’s fuckin’ crazy when ya get out on your own. If ya gotta blame something though—if ya hafta have a ref’rence point ta say, “here’s where it all went wrong”—blame Jien.”

            “Jien,” I repeated softly, and I couldn’t help remembering the pained sound of his voice, echoing back at me from the walls of yesterday.

            _“I have no idea where Jien went…”_

“My big brother,” he said, like I’d forgotten. “Stuff woulda been okay, but that fucker ran out on me almost ten years ago.”

            I glanced up at him, watching the disinterested way he studied the ceiling, like he was lying in a psychiatrist’s office. “Why would he do that?” I thought again of all the things I’d done to be with my sister, outraged that his sibling would just abandon him, hoping there was some reasonable explanation.

            Gojyo shrugged and shook his head. “Our mom— _his_ mom—tried ta kill me…”

            “I remember.”

            The silenced lingered long enough for me to wonder if that might be his singular explanation, and then he began suddenly, with an air that he’d decided to throw all inhibitions to the wind. “I got used ta her hittin’ me—she did it all the time—but that day…she really wanted ta fuck me up. I could see it in her eyes.” His face fell almost imperceptibly, and his eyes dulled.

            A chill sped through me, and I interrupted suddenly, not wanting to hear anything beyond that horrifying description. “You’re drunk. Let’s not talk about this right now.”

            “Nah. I wanna. I never told anybody before.” He looked over at me, thoughtfully. “I never needed to. I wanna tell ya, Hakkai.”

            I toyed with my limiters, knowing I couldn’t argue with that; my own discomfort was inconsequential in the face of how much he must trust me.

            “Like I said,” he resumed, casually, “Mom always beat me up. I guess she really hated that he cheated on her; she’d cry when she looked at me. Shit… I hated that. I hated it so much. Sometimes I let her just ‘cause I thought…” he shook his head again. “I dunno. I figured it was my fault in the first place.”

            “But it wasn’t,” I countered.

            He smirked a little. “I know.” But I could tell he didn’t believe that, not even now. My saying so wouldn’t change his mind. Nothing could.

            “Sometimes,” he resumed, “she’d go weeks not hittin’ me. Sometimes I was dumb enough ta think it was over. She always started up again. Eventually. She was always reminding me how much she hated me…how much she wished I was dead.”

            His voice faltered, and he broke off to take another drink, directly from the bottle this time.

            I sat there, waiting, hating those words, wanting to make him stop, hating _her_. Despite what he’d said, it was clear _she_ was the start of this irresponsible behavior, the root of the mess.

            Gojyo went on, sounding very careless now, as if he were merely telling me a story he’d heard somewhere. “When we were little, there was nothin’ we could do. I didn’t wanna get Jien’s mom in trouble, so I never told anybody. They knew anyway. They just didn’t give a shit. Jien did though. He was a lot older than me, an’ when he got bigger, he started to step in, calming her down. Whatever it took.”

            I watched a hard wince cross his face, to spite his nonchalant tone, and without fully understanding what it was, I knew something truly dark existed behind those three words.

            “The day she decided to kill me, Jien stopped her. He was good with the sword, but she was distracted anyway. I didn’t even see him coming. He was just there suddenly. Mom was dead.”

            In my chest, my heart lurched, and my blood turned to ice. “He killed his mother?” I breathed.

            Gojyo didn’t answer, simply pressed on with the story like I wasn’t even there. “I never saw him again. I was on my own.” Briefly, he ran his fingers along the scars across his cheek, finishing somewhat hoarsely, “I was twelve.”

            Time drifted by, robbing me of any ideas for what to say. There could be nothing good enough to say in face of that horrible story, and comforting him would be as impossible as trying to console me in the face of Kanan’s death.

            “That’s why,” he added inexplicably. “That’s why my life’s so fucked up.”

            It all made sense, I thought. The self-sacrificing heroism included. After something like that, and being abandoned for so long, it was suddenly very clear to me why he didn’t like to be alone. What remained murky, however, was how he could have grown into such an outstanding person with something so vile haunting his past. It made me feel selfish—simply being left in an orphanage by my parents had turned me into a contemptuous cynic and a murderer.

            “You’ve never told anyone else that?” I wondered faintly.

            “Who would I tell?” He laughed. “Nah, man, not ev’rybody’s a good lis’ner like you.” He flashed me a grin.

            But I couldn’t smile back. All I could manage was to whisper, “I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t be.” He kicked back on the bottle. “It was a long time ago. Sometimes it feels like it didn’t even happen.”

            He was lying. I knew first-hand how such experiences became a part of you, always feeling as if they happened yesterday, no matter how foggy the memory itself became.

            Gojyo tilted his head, hiding behind his hair, quietly waiting for me to say something.

            “And you don’t know what became of Jien?”

            “Nah. For all I know, he went off an’ committed hara-kiri or some shit. I doubt I’ll ever see him again.” He spoke the words carelessly, the same way he’d say, ‘I lost all my money at cards,’ or, ‘I offered her a drink, but she just slapped me.’

            I felt angry though. If Jien was really that much older than him, he clearly could have prevented a good deal of what Gojyo had gone through after that day, such as this fiasco with Ikku. I’d taken it upon myself to protect him from that, and suddenly I felt foolish for it. Gojyo had gotten along fine without me in his punish, not-really-fine way, and I’d be conceited to tell myself he needed me now. Perhaps Jien had known that also—that his brother was resourceful, resilient, and incredibly lucky. But, I realized, I was happy to be of use to someone at last.

            I’d do it again—all of it. From the night I took off my limiters to save his life, to the instant I murdered Ikkou in the front yard. Gojyo was worth all that bloodshed to me, and I could only wonder at why he wasn’t worth it to Banri or Jien.

            “Anyway,” he broke the silence when it was clear I had nothing to contribute. “Sorry for getting all serious on ya.” He shot me a hollow copy of his normal grin.

            “I wish I knew what to say,” I said at last.

            “You don’t hafta say anything.” He got up, still clutching the bottle in one hand. “There’s nothing to say.”

            Slowly, I rose as well, still feeling the fierce desire to comfort him, and knowing all my attempts would be inefficient.

            “You…didn’t deserve any of that,” I told him sadly.

            “Nobody _deserves_ anything, ‘Kai. Shit just happens.”

            “I don’t think that’s true. I think you, for instance, deserved something much better.” Who knew what he could have been if someone had been in his life to protect his admirable qualities?

            Gojyo’s eyes flickered and his expression softened out of its mask of cynical apathy to a look of melancholy gratitude, and I knew those words had touched him deeper than I’d expected.

            “Truly, Gojyo, you—”

            He snagged me without warning, jerking me into an unsteady but intense embrace, one arm tight around my neck, forehead resting on my shoulder.

            For a moment, I was too shocked to react. He’d never hugged me before, not even after I showed up beside him in the marketplace after Sanzo told him I was dead. There was a desperate charge to the touch, something that hinted that it was a long time coming, and yet I felt him shaking, almost undetectably, as if it terrified him to be this vulnerable, even with me.

            It had been a long time since anyone held me, and I felt rigid. In my head, a voice hissed, _I don’t deserve this… Not with my bloody hands._

 _“_ Thanks, man,” he muttered into my shirt, but I had no idea why.

            Slowly, I put my arms around him, feeling self-conscious and confused. I pushed those sentiments away. No matter what I’d done or what I deserved, this, somehow, was outside those strict, black lines, and I sank into the embrace, feeling both sympathetic and grateful. The everlasting pain in me seemed to dull.

            “It’s nothing.”

            “No. It’s not. You have no idea.”

            Smiling to myself, I squeezed him tight, feeling his grip on me tighten as well; we stayed that way a moment, and then he pulled away, scraping at his hair.

            “Sorry,” he said sheepishly, not looking at me. “That was weird.”

            “Perhaps a little, but in a good way.”

            He still wouldn’t quite meet my gaze, and I couldn’t help reaching up to feel the scars on his face. I’d wanted to in the past, though I couldn’t say why. Perhaps some childish part of me wanted to see if I couldn’t simply brush them away. When I felt how deep and ragged they were, I knew there was no making them fade.

            Gojyo jerked like the touch hurt, his eyes widened slightly, and he finally looked at me.

            “You’ll be okay,” I said gently. “Right?”

            “Yeah.” Reluctantly, he grinned. “I’m gonna be cool.”

            “I’m glad.” I pried the whiskey bottle from his hand. “You know, maybe it doesn’t fix everything, but…I’m here for you, Gojyo.”

            His smile warmed a touch, and after everything we’d been through in the last two days, I knew he believed me. I promised myself I would never betray that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really bad about editing these properly. I apologize.


	8. Mission Seven - Blood and Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flying solo, Hakkai faces the darkest side of his past.

 

                The maddening sound of howling wind through the trees and driving rain pounding the roof had me on my last nerve, and I watched blue lightning crackle through the night sky, nervously. Thunder boomed a split second later, making the night uninviting at best, and I would have liked nothing better than to drink a cup of tea and go to bed, knowing that tomorrow would, hopefully, be brighter. Still, Sanzo had been quite specific about our time frame.

            All day, I’d observed the sky, watching purple storm clouds roll in from the north and gather over the town. By four thirty, it had turned dark as night, and then the rain came down, relentlessly. I saw it as personal misfortune that I had to venture out in a tempest like this one.

            Arms wrapped around myself, I glanced about the house, finding it peaceful, from the candle burning in warm kitchen, to the newly tidied living room. I wanted to lie down and fall asleep and forget all about today, and the brooding feelings mounting inside me.

            That awful sound of hammering rain took me back to the night of Kanan’s death too easily, like a violent undertow dragging me beneath the surface of turbulent waves, and no matter where I looked, I could find no comfort.

            Despite the warmth of the house, an eerie emptiness drifted through it, just as it always did when Gojyo wasn’t around to laugh at me for being afraid of the thunder. He’d gone out immediately after lunch, taking a meager jacket and scorning me for advising him to stay home. I’d reminded him about the errand for Sanzo, but he hadn’t seemed to care, and he’d left the house as little more than a well-lit sepulcher.

            Perhaps I should have told him about my uneasiness, but as I’d watched him pull his hood up over his head, I hadn’t known how. After nearly two years, I should have been over all this, and yet when the storm set in, I’d known once and for all that the wounds were still bleeding.

            “Make sure you’re home by nine,” I’d told him, and I’d frittered all the hours between then and now away, straining to keep busy, battling back my terrible feelings, and losing the war to hopelessness.

            _If I’d been there,_ I kept telling myself, _I could have protected her. If I’d gotten there sooner, perhaps she wouldn’t have died…_

Reluctantly, I glanced at the clock. Ten til nine. I drew a deep breath, trying to relax. Of course he wouldn’t return early.

            Patiently, I waited out another twenty minutes, and then my annoyance crept in with the anxiety and guilt. At nearly thirty past, I had to resign myself to the fact that he wasn’t coming back any time soon, grabbed my coat and umbrella, and stepped out into the storm, grumbling under my breath.

            Getting into town was a fight in and of itself, trudging against the wind with the rain stinging my face, and I grew angrier as I went. By the time I found him at the bar, I was more than ready to give him a piece of my mind.

            Fortunately, he didn’t seem intoxicated yet—going on a mission in the rain with drunk Gojyo would be perplexing and unnerving to say the least—he was propped casually against the counter, flirting with a scantily clad woman, seemingly having a great time.

            My exasperation fluxuated when I saw him there. I had thought maybe he’d gotten held up against his will, but finding him perfectly content, apparently not thinking about the mission at all, it was clear he’d either forgotten or disregarded our obligations intentionally.

            I marched up behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder, more roughly than usual. “What are you doing?”

            Gojyo grinned at me, cigarette hanging from his mouth. “Hey, Hakkai. Just discussing the weather with my new friend.”

            The girl tittered foolishly and downed a little alcohol.

            Smiling, I told my roommate, “Between you and me, I think you can possibly do better, so why don’t we get moving?”

            Gojyo’s grin transformed into a mildly defiant stare. “Leave? I’m just getting warmed up.”

            “Yes, but you were supposed to be home nearly an hour ago, remember?”

            “I remember.”

            “In that case, I can’t understand what you’re thinking. We have a narrow window of opportunity to complete our task, and unless we leave at once, that window will close.”

            Gojyo rolled his eyes and sighed. “So what? Sanzo’s dreaming if he thinks I’m going out in the middle of _this_ shit.” He gestured to the raging storm through the window, and as if to accentuate his point, thunder rolled over the bar.

            With a squeak, the girl latched onto his arm.

            I struggled to keep my patience. “Be that as it may, we’re not at liberty to wait it out.”

            Maddeningly, he shrugged.

            For a moment, I stared at him, incredulously, hoping he’d change his mind, collect himself, and go with me, but he simply returned to the girl, as if I wasn’t there at all.

            There wasn’t time for this. Aborting the mission was out of the question, and if I could get through this even with the sick memories in my head, there was absolutely no excuse not to go.

            “Excuse me,” I cut in, stepping between them to stand face to face with my roommate. “Forgive me, miss, but I need a moment alone with my friend, please.”

            Indignantly, she gasped. “I never—”

            “Please.” I smiled at her even though I didn’t want to. “Trust me, I’m doing you a favor.”

            Slowly, she looked up at Gojyo, who smirked at her, saying, “Go on, babe, I’ll catch up with you in a sec.”

            Only then did she plod away, still glancing over her shoulder at us a few times before situating herself at a nearby table and ordering another drink.

            My roommate leveled an annoyed glare at me. “Since when are you such a cock blocker?”

            “You’ll have plenty of time to cavort with loose women later. As for right now, we have somewhere to be.”

            “I already told you, Hakkai,” he growled. “I’m not going.”

            “The rain isn’t _that_ bothersome,” I said, though I wasn’t sure I believed it.

            “Look at this.” He pointed to the window again, and we watched a branch of lightning illuminate the town. “You wanna get fried?”

            “No, of course not.”

`           “A little rain is one thing, but _this_? I’m not going out in this. Not for anything.”

            “But Sanzo—”

            “To hell with Sanzo. He doesn’t even appreciate the shit we do for him.”

            “Nonsense,” I argued, “you know as well as I do how grateful he is.”

            “Yeah, well he’s got a funny way of showing it.” His voice turned angry. “That ass can’t tell me what to do and then wipe his ass with me later. Not anymore.”

            “No, but—”

            “I’m not going, Hakkai,” he cut in sharply, startling me. “I’m staying right here until the storm blows over, and _then_ I’m going home to bed. End of story.”

            A while passed, and I studied his unshakably stubborn expression, and slowly it began to dawn on me what the source of his obstinacy might be. “Please tell me this isn’t about the argument you two had the other day.”

            “So what if it is?” he grumbled, not looking at me.

            Sighing deeply, I leaned back against the bar. They had a tendency to squabble even in the best of circumstances, but the argument they’d gotten into two days ago had been more than usually harsh. Sanzo had seemed agitated from the moment we met him at the temple, and I’d seen signs of his distress on his face as he described our next mission, but oblivious Gojyo likely hadn’t noticed, and before I could do anything to stop it, they’d started an all-out shouting match. Cruel words were exchanged, and Gojyo stormed out of the temple in a huff.

            Nevertheless, it wasn’t like him to hold a grudge. Assumedly, something Sanzo said must have stuck with him, though I wasn’t sure what.

            That was a mystery I would have to solve later. There was precious little time now, our window of opportunity would soon close, and my objective presently was to convince Gojyo to change his mind.

            “That’s childish of you,” I told him, a bit sternly. “Regardless of what transpired the other day, we made a commitment.”

            “Whatever. You think that dick would do anything for _me_ right now?”

            “I have no idea, but again, your actions are in question at the moment, not his.”

            Angrily, he faced me. “Don’t get on me about integrity. Sanzo made it clear as fuck the other day what he thinks—he can’t count on me anyway, I’m useless, and I screw everything up—there’s no changing his mind. Why should I even bother?”

            “Sanzo doesn’t necessarily _mean_ those things, Gojyo,” I told him, but carefully. “You should know that by now.”

            “Should I? It’s always the same bullshit, there’s never been even a second where he acted like he wanted to take it back, or said he didn’t mean it. He acts like he doesn’t need me, and that’s cool. I don’t gotta do shit for him.”

            I wondered if it wasn’t so much the words that had been exchanged the other day that were bothering him so much as Sanzo’s consistently callous behavior. He did tend to be rather harsh with my roommate, and perhaps Gojyo had simply had enough.

            I decided I had better change tactics.

            “Well, I need your help. You can’t honestly expect me to go out and do this on my own.”

            His expression cleared some, as though he hadn’t expected that. “Nah. I guess not.” I waited impatiently for him to think it over. “You should chill here with me,” he decided at last. “I know you’re scared of the thunder, so maybe you just need some sake to get your mind off it.” He grinned, much more charmingly than the typically impish smile.

            It did sound nice, I thought, to hunker down here and drink my worries away, wait for the storm to pass, go home and get a good night’s sleep.

            “Unfortunately, I have an obligation to fulfill.”

            “Oh, c’mon.” He hung his arm off my shoulder, clearly trying to win me over. “It’ll be fun. It’s not like Sanzo appreciates _you_ either.”

            Truly, it seemed that no matter how well I performed or how quickly I accomplished something, Sanzo was full of complaints. He knew better than to be as blatant with me as he was with the others, but a touch more gratitude would be nice.

            Tempting, though, it was, I shook my head. “I don’t have time to argue with you about this. I’d rather not do this alone, especially since you, my partner, have agreed to take on this endeavor with me, but I will.”

            Gojyo’s eyes widened slightly, and the grin sank from his face. I thought he might change his mind if only for camaraderie’s sake.

            I added, quietly, “It would be a noble gesture if you gave up your current pursuits and came along.”

            Slowly, he shook his head. “Sorry, buddy. Not this time.”

            Utterly drained of patience, I snapped, “Fine.” And then I dared to hope that any threat to actually go alone would compel him to join me after all. “In that case, I’m off.”

            Another glare, this time of frustration, darkened his face. “’Kay, bye.”

            At my wits end, I lost it entirely. “You astound me, absolutely _astound_ me. Every time I think you’re actually beginning to take some responsibility for yourself you purposely go out of your way to change my mind!”

            “Sorry you can’t seem to reform me,” he growled. “You leavin’, or should I order your moody ass a drink?”

            “I’m leaving!” I half shouted. “And you’d better believe when I return you’ll get more than a piece of my mind for this irresponsible behavior! When I’m done, you’ll beg me for another opportunity to prove you can be reliable!”

            Lowly, he drawled, “Then I’ll make sure I’m not around when you get back.”

            Outraged, I slammed the door open and stomped into the rainy night. “Unbelievable! Appalling! I’ve never met anyone so pigheaded and erratic in all my life!”

            Fury spurred me onward now, and I found myself walking quickly, cursing under my breath as I made my way through the drenched streets. When I’d gone a couple blocks, I realized I’d left my umbrella at the tavern, but I was fifteen minutes behind schedule by then, so I couldn’t go back.

            Slogging through the muddy streets, I headed due south, and turned up the collar of my jacket to keep the rain off my neck. The weather, and the loneliness were more than enough to dishearten me, and I fell into a cloud of dismay as I considered the objective ahead of me.

            According to Sanzo, a well-known criminal who’d run amuck in the region for over a decade was passing this way tonight, and the Three Aspects had finally decide he needed to be stopped. Sanzo, in his wry way, had admitted he didn’t like chasing after common murderers, but we were to bring the man back alive. Fairly standard procedure for us, only this time our villain, Jie-Rui, would be miles away by morning, leaving us with no choice but to hunt him down. I would rather not do that by myself.

            To make matters worse, the mission had been tormenting me ever since Sanzo briefed us. On one hand, Jie-Rui was apparently a violent and deranged individual who must be stopped, and yet this rang all too familiar in my mind.

            Initially, I’d waylaid my misgivings and the haunting memories the case stirred in me by thinking it might be exciting, but now dread swallowed me. It may have began when I saw the storm clouds gathering.

            Nothing could make me uneasy like a storm did, and I found myself backsliding into the memories of my march on Hyakuganmaoh’s castle. I could still recall the burn of my rage, blazing through all numbness, fear, and uncertainty, leaving only hate and the desire to kill.

            On that night, I would have killed anyone who crossed my path, adding them to my ponderous list of victims, and yet I’d justified it in my thirst for revenge. I’d thought killing would force my pain onto someone else.

            Outside of town, I turned off onto a path overgrown with weeds and hiked some ways into the hills. Jie-Rui would be there. He was keeping the back routes, stealthily trekking through the wilderness. Who could blame him? Being a killer was the greatest burden a person could bear. The weight of a man’s corpse, his final death rattle, the stains of his blood on your hands, could never be forgotten. Even in the justification of vengeance or self-defense, taking a life was a thing to live with forever.

            When I first came to this new life, I’d thought I’d never be able to look anyone in the eyes again, or touch them. I’d robbed myself of the most basic forms of intimacy. I’d taken so many back roads for that reason alone since my first kill.

            Shuddering in the dark, I took a long look over my shoulder, half-surprised Gojyo hadn’t come after me. It was selfish. Of course, I could deal with Jie-Rui by myself, and yet I couldn’t help feeling betrayed. I had a partner for a reason, and I never would have made him doing anything a fraction as dangerous as this by himself. Why did he think he could always do as he pleased? Didn’t he have the slightest sense of propriety?

            After two years, I understood him, and yet I wouldn’t have thought he could leave me like this. Not over a spat with Sanzo.

            Even if he’d expected me to cave in and stay with him, I couldn’t believe this was his answer to everything.

            I would do it alone, I decided, squaring my shoulders, and I wouldn’t share any of the benefits either.

            Moving swiftly up the trail, I glanced around the woods, and they seemed to transform before my very eyes. I didn’t feel, suddenly, that I was in the forest outside my home town. I felt as if I were again climbing the path to Hyakuganmaoh’s castle, dagger in hand, the will to slay as many as would attack smoldering within me.

            After all that, I perhaps I didn’t deserve to have anyone’s loyalty. Murderers couldn’t have partners any more than they could have lovers. In the end, the darkness would destroy it all, and those black desires would consume even the dearest of friends.

            _How does one overcome such feelings?_ I wondered, shoes slipping in the mud. _After creating so many corpses, how can one ever think himself worthy of love again?_

Rain soaked me to the bone, and the coldness eating at me became my despair, the cancer of resentment I felt toward myself.

            _I could have saved her. This wouldn’t be happening… If only I’d been there._

The drops hammered on my head like a million needles, and I accepted the judgment and punishment of nature.

            When this lonely journey did finally end, after I’d punished those who needed to be punished and smote the wicked, who would still be there to accept me exactly as I was—a killer, a criminal, and a failure?

            _If I can save her…will she forgive me?_

I’d never found the answer to that question.

            Gojyo’s words rang through my head, reminding me that he’d promised to be gone when I returned. Perhaps he really would be. Perhaps I’d go home, drenched in blood, cold from rain, exhausted from the fray, and find myself alone again. I’d have no one to blame but myself for that.

            And Sanzo, I thought, had sent the wrong man. Who was I to pass judgment on Jie-Rui?

            Again, I hesitated, half-expecting to see the centipede demon’s lair illuminated by lightning above me.

            _The only person I’ve ever truly loved is there…_

Now there wasn’t even the reassurance of knowing the castle still stood. It felt as if the very event had been wiped from the face of the earth, leaving me alone to bear its memory.

            Around me, the ground evened out, the hill dipping low into the valley, and I could see for miles in both directions. Jie-Rui would be along this way shortly.

            Flicking my limiters, I crouched in the bushes and waited. I tried to focus, but the memories haunted me.

            Long before I found or lost Kanan, I used to like rain, I remembered. I found it comforting, and I used to like nothing better than to curl up on a stormy day with tea and a book. In school, the dreariest of days had proven the perfect catalyst for a productive day of studying. While living with Kanan, there had been nothing as romantic as making love to the sound of the rain.

            Now it was just a hateful, brutal racket, reminding me of the last time I’d embraced her through the bars of her prison. In that moment, I’d thought I was fortunate. I’d thought my rage and murder had been worthwhile. I thought I’d won.

_It’s deadly to fall into such assumptions._

            I shook those thoughts away, staring through the relentless rain, staying so still my body grew stiff in the damp chill. By half-an-hour’s time, it already felt as if I’d been there for several hours.

            To console myself, I tried to recall Kanan’s face, horrified to find it fading. Her light hair, her green eyes, her soothing voice all seemed muted and dulled now.

            _So how is it that it still feels as if I lost you yesterday?_

Some day, those memories would decay as much as her physical body had, and I wouldn’t even be able to remember the keenest of details. I might even forget that I had loved her.

            That thought alone made me feel as if my heart would rupture.

            After her death, I’d held so tightly to those memories; lying in Gojyo’s bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, I’d wake up all but crying. Dreaming of how it felt for her to hold me one second, alive to the reality of her death the next, I had thought I’d go mad. The only reason I’d survived any of that was because of Gojyo.

            If only he were with me now. Then the rain wouldn’t seem so horrible.

            _But nothing can fill the hole you left in me when you…_

_“Good bye, Gonou…”_

_“Kanan!”_

_Someone please kill me._

            The floating sound of voices drifted over the rain, and I looked up to see a group of youkai, thirty strong, tromping up the road. They’d crested the hill without my noticing, singing and laughing together as if the rain didn’t exist. Leading them was a man who matched the description of Jie-Rui.

            He wasn’t especially tall or well-built, though he was considerably more muscular than I. All the same, he looked cruel and dangerous, with wild hair blowing in the rain and his eyes gleaming in the lightning. Black eyebrows encroached on his eyes, and a long smile twisted his mouth.

            Warily, I watched the band. They looked violent and feral, dressed in rags and furs, carrying only the mean necessities, and bickering amongst themselves. Sanzo hadn’t mentioned Jie-Rui having such a large gang.

            The sight of them made me unexpectedly nervous. I’d killed a thousand youkai and transformed into a monster. What was thirty men more?

            Still, I didn’t want to do this alone.

            _There’s no sense in wishing for things to be different,_ I reminded myself bitterly.

            They were about to pass me by, so I rose from my hiding spot and stepped onto the path, shouting to be heard over the storm. “Jie-Rui!”

            At the sound of my voice, the troop halted in their tracks, muttering amongst themselves and then one by one looking back at me, until at last, the murderer himself faced me. His cold eyes surveyed me, and his lips twisted in a sadistic smile. “Hey,” he greeted in a low, rough voice. In it, I heard such unrelenting hate and mercilessness, and I knew again I was facing one very much like myself—an old, wanton killer.

            Shuddering in the rain, I inched forward. Where had gone my confidence? Instead of self-assured, I felt distant and listless. “My name is Cho Hakkai. I’ve come to arrest you.”

            Disbelievingly, the men blinked around at one another, and then looked nervously to their leader. He studied me, still smiling, but puzzled. At twenty years my senior, I could only assume I looked like nothing more than a sopping wet child to him. With a chuckle, he scanned the words. “Bounty hunters keep getting younger and younger. You alone?”

“I’m more than efficient,” I grumbled back at him, though I didn’t feel sure the blackness in my soul stood up to his.

            In the same breath as another soft chuckle, he drew a pair of sickles from his belt and held them out, ready to fight. “Excuse me for not running in fear, but it takes more than guts to take down a man like me.”

            At last, a smile found my lips, reluctant and tired. “I’m a killer, like you,” I told him, and again I wondered who was I to do this? By what right did I pass judgment? “Only I’d imagine I’m somewhat better than you’ll ever be.”

            The arrogant smirk on his face transformed immediately to rage, and I heard him grumble to himself before shouting, “Some upstart, nah, boys?”

            A man near his shoulder cackled, “We’ll take him apart, boss.”

            “Save your energy, Bing.” Jie-Rui stepped through their ranks to tower over me, taking a preliminary swing with his right-hand sickle. “This won’t take long.”

            Arms loose at my sides, I watched his approach. How many times had I been through this situation—more than a thousand times—he was merely another youkai to be slain by the youkai slayer, another soul on a long list of nameless demons.

            Distractedly, I glanced at my open palms, thinking of how easy the killing had become, and how quickly.

            Jie-Rui swung at my head, and I sprang back; the curve of the sickle came within centimeters of lopping off my head.

            Boots slipping in the mud, I had to fight to keep my balance, and he charged me in that moment, smiling in hideous fury. The tip of his left sickle breezed past my chest, while the right actually sliced my cheek.

            He was much faster than I’d expected, and his weapons required close-quarters fighting. Each lightning-quick strike slashed past me, close to finding flesh, and guarding against more than one weapon at a time absorbed most of my concentration.

            To gain a bit of ground, I back flipped away, landing just out of arm’s reach, and then dove in again, delivering a kick to his chin. Jie-Rui staggered back, and I plowed one fist into his gut. While he collapsed, gasping for breath, I hesitated to remember I’d not brought a weapon. I rarely needed one, especially when Gojyo typically accompanied me.

            When had I fallen into such a smug habit? I was a skilled martial artist, but even in Hyakuganmaoh’s castle I might have been killed were it not for the knife I carried. The youkai there had been armed to the teeth. Of course, I remembered darkly, if I’d been unarmed that night, Kanan would have had nothing to kill herself with, and she’d still be alive.

            Like a sledge hammer, a fist smashed against my face, and pain split through my skull. I stumbled back, cursing myself. He followed through with another swing of the right sickle, and this time the tip carved a bleeding scratch across my forehead.

            “You’re a tough little guy,” he laughed, “but I don’t think you’re cut out for this.”

            I shook my head to clear my vision. What was wrong with me? I was in a life or death fight, and all I could think of was the past. Unless I got my head in the game, I wouldn’t make it home to give Gojyo the lecture of his life.

            Gritting my teeth in a grim smile, I wiped the blood from my eyes and darted at him, attacking with all the speed and precision available to me. With an elbow strike to the face, I had him reeling; I dove behind him, kneeing him in the lower back and knocking him into the air before beating him down again. He crashed roughly into the mud, and floundered there. Where a man my age would have sprang up at once, he struggled, groaning.

            Much too easy. I planted my foot against the back of his neck. “Surrender. You’re outmatched.”

            He’d never had a chance to begin with. Mine was a dark power birthed from hateful feelings, and I didn’t need a weapon to be formidable. Not anymore.

            Behind me, motion stirred. Just as I turned, one of Jie-Rui’s men attacked in a barrage of fists, and I barely had time to parry, but he knocked me off balance, and Jie-Rui took the opportunity to leap to his feet.

            In a whoosh of steel and rain, his left sickle clipped my side. The right blade aimed for my throat.

            Furious with myself, I ducked under the blade to attack the man who’d interfered, decapitating him with a strike of my bare hand. As the blood sprayed across my face and shirt, I felt like a fool. Of course the rest of the troop wasn’t going to stand there and watch me take down their leader. Why had I even thought they might?

            Already, the rest were moving in, shouting obscenities and attacking me with knives, eyes glittering. Like ravenous wolves, they splintered into smaller packs, attacking me two or three at a time. It slowed me down, jostling me further from my mark, though he stood back watching impassively as I ducked around and killed his men one after another.

            When only a handful remained, lingering back and staring at me, he nodded approvingly and drawled, “You are stronger than you look. Not a human after all then.”

            “Not anymore.” I kept my eyes leveled on him, fists clenched, but I didn’t dare forget the few men still standing there. Not again.

            “Hunh. Not sure what _that_ means, but you will have to do better to beat me.” Discarding his left sickle, he drew away, far outside my range of attack, and produced a small talisman from under his vest.

            Instinctively, I moved forward, but the last of his men finally intervened, cutting me off. The swung at me with a scimitar. He was poor with the blade, but fast, dodging my counters and always keeping himself positioned between me and Jie-Rui.

            In the shadows of driving rain, Jie-Rui had begun to chant in a guttural voice, a language I didn’t recognized, and his talisman had begun to glow a faint, lavender light.

            Knocking his swordsman to the ground, I dove toward him. Hands caught my arms and swung me around, throwing me into the mud. I barely managed to spring up again before a dagger would have been buried in my heart. The swordsman came at me, more determined than ever. The cold steel of his blade brushed my cheek.

            Jie-Rui’s talisman glowed a demonic shade of violet now, and his booming voice seemed to drown out even the thunder.

            Hissing, one of the men threw himself against me, and I tumbled into the mud once more. “You’re going to die,” he sneered, eyes vivid with the excitement.

            Caught in a blend of horror and fascination, I watched Jie-Rui begin to change, the unholy light cascading over his form, reshaping it into a structure far larger, stronger, and more grotesque. His fangs grew long and dangerous, slurring his words until they were unintelligible; his youkai claws and ears lengthened as well, and his shirt split as his muscles bulged. His skin had taken on a muddy tone, and his eyes glowed purple. In a matter of seconds, Jie-Rui vanished, and a monster stood in his place, a gruesome illustration of my own bloody transformation.

            Mouth hanging open, I scrambled to my feet. Had Gojyo been with me, that would have been his moment to say holy shit.

            The monstrous Jie-Rui leapt on me. With a swipe of his gigantic hand, he sent me sprawling across the road, and while I writhed there, wondering what had happened, he snagged the collar of my jacket and lifted me from the ground, free hand poised to tear me apart.

            With a shout, I tore loose, ripping my coat in the process. I hit the ground hard and immediately sprang back. His ragged claws sawed down the length of my chest.

            Outraged, I struck with all my might. My fist met his face. The monster barely hesitated; he came back at me, swinging and swinging with an inexhaustible amount of energy, and I dance out of the way, watching for any weakness to exploit.

            At first glance, he had none. He _looked_ indestructible, but his speed had increased as well. I’d never encountered this type of skill-enhancing magic before. It must be a youkai art. Still, it was nothing like removing my power limiters. Then again, I’d never paid a great deal of attention to youkai culture during my studies, and if someone had informed me back then that I’d one day stand face to face with a monster like this, fighting for my very life, I would have laughed them out of the room.

            So long ago, those days. School had faded into a distant memory, and it seemed as if nothing I’d done there mattered now. All my preparations for the so-called real world meant nothing. I wasn’t working a nine to five job, trying to get a head, using my degree, no, I was in the rain fighting deranged murderers.

            It made me long for those days. After I’d found Kanan, I’d experienced such a brief period of happiness, and now I doubted I’d ever find such peace or joy again.

            _How did it come to this?_

            Searing pain tore up the length of my abdomen, disturbingly hot in contrast with the icy rain. At first, I had a delusional thought that it was the wound I’d received in Hyuakuganmaoh’s castle, still bleeding even after all these years, and then I realized the blood was fresh, gushing more from my chest than my stomach.

            Gasping, I stumbled back and placed my hands over the slices, feeling exactly their depth and brutality.

            The monster laughed, voice garbled by hideous teeth. “Cocky boy. I almost feel bad for you.”

            Vision going fuzzy, I watched the blood gush down my torso. The injury would sap my body heat and slow me down.

            _I have to focus._

Fiercer than ever, ignoring the pain in my movements, I attacked again. My blow missed and glanced off his shoulder.

            He caught me up and heaved me over his head like a ragdoll. I slammed into the ground. For several seconds, I lay in a daze. I’d never had such difficulty in a fight.

            Barely able to lift my spinning head I watched him march toward me, in no great hurry to destroy me.

            Pain carved through my wound as I forced myself to my feet, hovering back a ways, shaking off the confusion and trying to think of anything that might lend me an upper hand.

            My limiters, I thought, could be removed, and then this fight would be nothing; yet, on a night like this, so alone and so full of regret, I wasn’t sure I could take that form and keep my sanity intact. The hideous shape of Jie-Rui only served to remind me of how dreadful such a thing could be.

            _I can do this without resorting to that. Pain is nothing_ , I reminded myself. But just now, it felt as if it were everything.

            Monster Jie-Rui sprang at me.

            I feinted left and kicked him with all my might in the stomach. He stumbled back, choking, but recovered all too quickly. Amazed, I watched him spring more than ten feet into the air.

            I ducked away, barely missing getting crushed.

            I swung, and he blocked. Pain drenched my arm as my bones buckled.

            Screaming, I aimed for the ribs. He was like a tank, and I was fading.

            With a roar, he snagged a handful of my hair and jerked me forward. I planted the sole of my boot in his face, springing off him and landing roughly.

            As I watched him prowl toward me, unfazed, I recognized that I was losing. I couldn’t quite master reality. In a panic, I stared around at the ghostly visages of people I felt sure I’d killed in the past. The night grew more sinister with every drop of rain and blood, and the mist closed in on me.

            _Kanan…I must reach Kanan…_

_Kanan is dead. What are you thinking?_

_No, I can still save her._

_What’s the point in any of this…? Living or dying?_

The monster seized my throat, blocking my windpipe, and then he tossed me. I splattered in the mud, breathing hard, and he stood over me, a heavy foot pressing against my bleeding chest. The sickle in his hand hovered at my throat, and he grinned. The lightning flickering over his head made him look like the devil himself.

            Fingering my limiter cuffs, I told myself I should never have attempted to do this alone. Sanzo warned me how dangerous this creature would be. He’d not explained things in exact detail, but I should have taken it into account.

            If only I had taken one look at the gathering storm this morning and chosen to stay with Gojyo at the bar instead. Now I’d never see my roommate again, and I was going to die.

            At any rate, I’d be with Kanan again soon. I’d see her lovely face, touch her soft skin. Even if it was only one last time before being condemned to hell, that would be enough.

            “Say goodnight, Cho Hakkai.”

            Realizing I was more than ready, I closed my eyes.

            Behind me, I heard the drum of heavy footfalls. I opened my eyes just in time to watch Gojyo leap over me and kick Jie-Rui in the face, knocking the heavy weight off my sternum.

            Snarling, Jie-Rui staggered back. My partner stood over me, body tense, drenched and hard. “You all right, man?”

            I struggled to sit up, arm still aching. “What are you doing here?”

            My partner flashed an apologetic smile. “Just figured I’d swing by and see how it was going?”

            With a groan, I forced myself to stand. “How thoughtful, albeit unnecessary. I’m perfectly capable of finishing this alone.” Again, I flicked my limiters. To destroy him that way might be suiting.

            He laughed. “This’s him, huh? I thought he’d be less ugly.”

            Together, we watched Jie-Rui right himself, swiping blood from his face, and thrash around in outrage. He leveled a murderous look on my roommate, and my skin crawled.

            “He appears to be using some type of magic to enhance his power.”

            “Is that a problem?”

            “No. I’ll be finished with him soon.” Again I touched the deep lacerations in my chest. “I’d hate for any of this to interfere with your social life,” I added darkly.

            Snarling, Jie-Rui turned on us. A mess of drool and blood drizzled down his jaw, and I noticed that a few of his six-inch long fangs had shattered. His cronies moved in closer.

            I stepped past Gojyo, willing myself to focus. “Never mind him, Jie-Rui. Your fight is with me.”

            “I don’t care!” the garbled voice screamed. “I’ll put you both in the grave!” With a flash of his dagger, he darted forward, taking a arching slash at the air.

            I ducked under, and Gojyo sprang to the side and then ran at him. I followed, body heaving with agony. Gojyo threw himself against the monster, striking him in several key locations, but the sickle nearly took his head off. Strands of bright red drifted to the ground.

            I rammed against Jie-Rui, nearly busting my shoulder on his abdomen.

            Side by side, we landed and darted back out of range.

            “Woah!” Gojyo shouted. “He’s like a wall.”

            “He’s well out of your league,” I agreed. “You may as well go home.”

            Jie-Rui cut through his, and we had to dive out of the way. He attacked us in turn. I was slowing down, and dodging took everything I had. Once we were beside each other again, Gojyo said, “Admit it. You’re happy to see me.”

            “Astonished is nearer to the truth.”

            Flashing a smile, he rushed the monster again, and I watched him take swing after swing at his hulking opponent. Alone, he’d be insufficient, as I had been, and yet, as usual, the hopelessness of the situation wouldn’t stop him from fighting with all his heart. Slowly, the world around me seemed to clear, and the rain turned lighter, the woods looked familiar again, less foreboding, and before I knew it, this night bore no resemblance whatsoever to the night I’d infiltrated Hyakuganmaoh’s castle.

            Strange, I said to myself, how having Gojyo with me so seamlessly destroyed that illusion. I felt like an entirely different person than I’d been just a few minutes ago. Cho Hakkai, not Cho Gonou.

            _Apart, we may not be enough, but perhaps together…_

Smiling resignedly, I raced to join him. I didn’t need to remove my limiters. I didn’t need a weapon. We were enough.

            I flew at the monster, pretending to strike at his face, and then I kneed him in the stomach when he moved to block me.

            Gojyo dove behind him, tripping him. The monster stumbled, nearly falling on his own blade. Howling with rage, he began to slice madly at the air, hacking at nothing, shadow boxing.

            “Dude’s bat-shit,” Gojyo grumbled.

            “Most psychopaths tend to have some mental abnormality.”

            My partner laughed, “Damn, don’t I know.”

            Jie-Rui’s men moved in on us, looking uncertain and even rather frightened.

            Gojyo rammed me lightly with his shoulder. “Put that freak in his place. Try not to space out.”

J           He darted away again, leaving me to wonder how much of the fight he’d witnessed before stepping in. Shouts of pain and frustration echoed behind me as he tore into them.

            I advanced on the leader, who was still screaming and attacking nothing. I had to put myself in harm’s way to penetrate his defenses, ducking under another perilous swing of the sickle to hit him in the stomach again. While he was off-balance, I seized his knife hand and twisted the weapon away smoothly. Still, he had plenty of natural defenses to look out for, and I very much doubted he’d be willing to accompany me back to Keiun at this point.

            The monster stared at me as if he could hardly understand what I’d done. Claws splayed, he attacked, trying to take my arm off.

            Using the sickle, I blocked and then drove at him. He stepped back, and I barely nicked him. His next swing clipped my ear, but I ignored the new burst of pain and gush of blood. I ran at him, and cocked back. I felt the sickle tear through his entrails. He grasped at the fresh wound.

            “Perhaps I was born to do this,” I mused into the rain, and yet the words didn’t feel like a curse now. They were merely the truth.

            “You’ll pay,” he sputtered. “I’ll kill you!”

            Roaring, he rushed at me, hands outstretched, fully intending on killing me with his bare hands.

            Again, I closed my eyes. Gojyo shouted my name. But I was ready, sealed into the black, away from the haunting memories. I shoved them back where they belonged and thought only of what was in front of me now. If I dwelled too deeply on the past, I wouldn’t be here to face tomorrow. If I died tonight, I’d lose every memory I wanted to hang onto. Everything beautiful and painful.

            Around me, the air stirred, and I felt him bearing down. His breath flickered across my face. I felt his hand reaching for me.

            With the last of my strength, I jumped to meet him. In a smooth, singular attack, I felt the sickle saw through bone. Burning droplets showered around me.

            The monster let loose a gurgling scream of pain. I felt his body fall past me and heard it thud next to me.

            When I opened my eyes, the corpse lay at my feet, and the head rolled several paces away, eyes still wide and crazed.

            Silence surrounded me then, the rain pounding in my ears, and I realized my eyes were burning. I felt desperately close to an emotional edge.

            Next to me, Gojyo heaved a sigh. “Shit. Man. That scared me.”

            With a clatter, I threw the sickle down and gave into my weakness, dropping to my knees and letting the mud and blood pool around me in an all-too familiar mess of carnage and despair. I stared at my hands, bloodstained and shakng.

            “Hakkai…” he murmured, edging toward me.

            “I’m fine,” I said coldly. “I’ll go report to Sanzo. You may leave.”

            With another sigh, Gojyo sauntered over to crouch in front of me. Scraping dripping hair from his face, he gave me a soul-searching look. “Hey…maybe that’s a bad idea. Yeah?” His words were infinitely soft, gentle almost, and I saw the tell tale signs of worry wrinkling his brow.

            I laughed. “Like coming out here alone. Never mind. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”

            He frowned, and I knew my mask wasn’t working, the smile not holding back the agony. Hot streams streaked steadily down my cheeks, but I told myself it was blood, not tears.

            Huskily, I spoke, barely able to meet his eyes. “I’ll never forget. It was…so clear. That place. Killing those people. Maybe those memories will never leave me.”

            Gojyo took a long drag off his cigarette.

            “And yet…I’ve forgotten so many things already. I can scarcely remember how I came to be where I am now… There is no detail. Only a blur between Kanan’s death and meeting you.”

            “Maybe it’s better,” he whispered, “like that.”

            “And maybe not. What else will I forget? Is it worth it, even if I eventually free myself from that pain? It scares me,” I admitted, quietly, “that some day I won’t be able to picture her at all. I won’t remember why she mattered so very much.”

            “So what’re you gonna do? Fight it forever?”

            Tonight, I’d nearly gotten myself killed focusing too hard on things that might be better left behind. All to hold onto a shard of a memory that causes nothing but pain. My own wretchedness and imperfections, my own monster’s face, so like Jie-Rui, staring at me from the inside, reminded me that Kanan wouldn’t have wanted me after that night anyway.

            “Cho Gonou is dead,” I muttered.

            Gojyo sighed again and helped me to my feet. “Yeah. Well, _Hakkai_ is losing a ton of blood, so how about we get moving?”

            Smiling sadly, I slumped against him, letting him support me. “What did you come here for anyway?”

            “That’s some thanks.”

            “It’s the best you’ll get.”

            “Look, I know I shouldn’ta let you do this by yourself. You never woulda done that to me.”

            “That’s true,” I murmured. “I am so desperate to protect what little I have. As always.”

            His arm tightened around me, and he murmured, “I’m sorry, Hakkai.”

            “Never mind. It’s…all right.” I gave Jie-Rui’s head a violent kick, watching it disappear into the darkness. “We all make mistakes.”

            Gojyo began to half-drag me back down the path. “I guess we better get your ass to the doctor. You’re a mess.”

            “Mm.” I shut my eyes, letting my weariness consume me. “I’d rather go home and sleep through the rest of this storm.”

            Gojyo didn’t answer.

            “I don’t suppose you’ll let me.” Slowly, I lifted my head to check over my shoulder, just to be sure, once and for all, that Hyuakuganmaoh’s castle wasn’t somewhere in the distance, and then I realized I never wanted to consider that terrible place again.

            “I’m glad you came,” I admitted suddenly. “I’m…glad you changed your mind. I apologize for being such an idiot.”

            In a tentative voice, he asked, “The rain…it really puts you in a weird mood, huh?”

            “Yes, I suppose it does.”

            “Why?”

            A bit startled, I looked up at him. I supposed I’d taken it for granted that anyone would understand my aversion to rain, but then, I’d never told him enough about my onslaught on the castle for him to know. Even now, I wasn’t sure I could explain it without being overcome again by emotions, and I knew I had to carry it on my own a while longer.

            Instead, I smiled, a distant mirror of his own impudence. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

            Gojyo snorted, and then said suddenly, “Forgetting shit’s weird, right? Sometimes, it’s like you forget everything that mattered at the time—stuff you thought was a big deal—I guess that’s just how it works.”

            “Well,” I babbled, “all memories are stored in the brain somewhere, it’s just that details become obscure as we gain new, more relevant information. Still, recalling them is possible, I suppose, with various types of aid. I remember reading about a case of hypnotism in college in which a man—”

            “Hakkai,” he interrupted a bit roughly, “you’re not gonna forget the stuff that’s actually important. Not for a long, long time. You loved her.”

            As was often the case with many of the simple things he said, there was sense in that primitive, conflicting idea, and more importantly, there was comfort.

            “It’s your battle, dude,” he went on, quieter than ever. “Nobody’s rushing you through it.”

            A weary, half-delirious smile curved across my lips, and I felt suddenly as if I didn’t have to bear all my burdens alone. Having someone to laugh when I laughed and cry when I cried had become familiar to me, as if it had always been that way, but I’d never realized before how truly grateful I was to have that.

            Lightning crackled above me, and I searched the illuminated woods again, but there was nothing but the night and the storm, and the two of us.

 


	9. Mission Eight - Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On a mission with Hakkai, Gojyo faces monsters of the past and present.

 

 

_By now, you must know no one will ever love you…_

            Body lurching, I jolted awake. It wasn’t the shaking, gasping, holding back a scream freak fest it could sometimes be, but my heart raced, and I had to think hard about where I was. Lying on the cold ground, feeling a nicotine fit setting in, shivering under the pale light of a barely-risen sun, I felt dirty, grimy, stiff, and sort of old.

            _I’m only twenty-one._

With a groan, I turned onto my back and stared up at the ice-gray sky. Sharp, slate-colored clouds sliced across it, and a hazy reddish brown muddied the distance. It looked empty, and I felt very alone.

            That dream… What the hell was it? I kept trying to nail it down, but the details slipped through my fingers, and all I could decide was that it hadn’t been good. A nightmare? That felt too strong. Just something unpleasant, not exactly scary.

            Shivering, I closed my eyes, thinking it could have been a memory. Those found me sometimes when I fell asleep, no matter how well I blocked them out while I was awake.

            After I calmed down a little, I turned to find Hakkai lying next to me, not quite an arm’s length away, flat on his back with his hands folded over his chest, like sleeping on the ground didn’t bother him a bit. It was weird to wake up before him, and if the sky was any indication, it couldn’t be much later than five or six in the morning.

            With a deep breath, I tried to go back to sleep, but the uneasy feelings wouldn’t leave me alone, and eventually I sat up to start a cigarette and get my mind off things. For a while, I watched the jagged clouds roll over my head, smoking one cigarette after another, and feeling like I’d somehow come to the end of the world all alone.

            Silence usually drove me crazy, and being more or less by myself in the middle of the wilderness was about as quiet as it could get. A few birds chirped in the trees over my head, doing whatever it was birds did when they first woke up: catching worms, morning sex, maybe.

            I couldn’t remember the last time I had morning sex.

            _No one will ever love me anyway._

Woah. Where did that come from? I brushed the hair back from my forehead and tried to focus, refusing to let the fucked up memory-dream voice in my head get to me.

            Still, I knew that having a girl who was willing to fuck me wasn’t the same as having a girl who’d love me.

            I fought the urge to lean over and shake Hakkai awake, and I might except I wasn’t totally sure how he’d feel about that. I studied his limiter cuffs instead. Maybe he’d rip my arm off before he even realized what he was doing, or maybe he’d laugh it off and make some underhanded joke at my expense. He was supposed to be a morning person, but he wasn’t simple either.

            It was still super early. I decided to let him sleep a little longer. No reason for both of us to be up at this ungodly hour.

            As I lit my next cigarette, my stomach growled, and I thought about digging through the supply pack to see what kind of food he’d brought. In the end, though, I discovered I just didn’t care enough. Being hungry was something I’d gotten used to a long time ago, and even having someone around to feed me three meals a day couldn’t erase the ten years I’d spent training myself to ignore hunger.

            That was just how it was back then. Growing up poor with a mother who’d rather punch me than feed me, being hungry barely mattered. Wandering the streets with nowhere to go, eating had turned into a matter of survival, and there had been times when I’d scraped by for days on the same moldy loaf of bread.

            _Just because that’s what I’m used to doesn’t mean I have to…_

            But I still couldn’t bring myself to care, and I found myself studying Hakkai again, thinking about how peaceful he looked in his sleep, innocent, almost girly. When those eyes weren’t alive, sharply watching everything, it was hard to imagine him being anything close to the killing machine I knew he was.

            Back in the town, they’d never guess. They saw surface Hakkai—polite, friendly, well-educated, and charming—they couldn’t imagine what he could do with his bare hands. They had no idea he was actually anything but peaceful, sweet, and innocent. I guess he had that act down to a science.

            _I got used to living with him. It took a while, but I did. I could get used to living another way, like with a woman, or something. Who says I can’t ever go steady with somebody, or even get married…_

The thought alone made me uncomfortable, and a needle jabbed me in the back of my mind, hissing, _You gotta be in love for that, dumb ass._

Even if I figured out how the hell _that_ worked, I’d have to get them to love me back.

            _And I already know no one’s ever gonna love me. No one can._

Barely thinking, I reached over and nudged Hakkai, much gentler than I wanted. The second I felt his hot body under my freezing hand, I realized how much I wanted to shake him as hard as I could. I wanted to scream in his face. Anything to make him hear me. It took all of my control to say quietly, “Wake up, man.”

            Hakkai muttered something about vacuuming the table cloth, shifted, and kept sleeping.

            I shook him harder the second time, and finally his eyes flickered open. For a split second, confusion dulled them, and then his gaze came into focus, leveling on me. “Good morning. Is something wrong?”

            “No,” I lied, and then I wished I hadn’t. I wished I could tell him exactly how wrong everything felt inside me.

            Obviously noticing the time, he glanced around, and then sat up with a heavy sigh. “In that case, why did you wake me up?”

            “Dunno,” I went on lying through another heavy drag of smoke. “Just thought we should get started.”

            “It’s quite early, and there’s no real rush, you know.”

            Impatiently, I waited for him to throw a fit and lecture me. In some weird way, I wanted him to. “My bad.”

            “Ah, never mind.” He smiled. “I suppose if we get an early start we’ll be home before midnight. That is, assuming we find it today.”

            I jerked my head in a nod, not understanding my own feelings enough to open my mouth.

            Hakkai dug into the supplies. “Are you hungry? We do have to ration what we eat—God forbid we should run out of food—but that doesn’t mean we should skip breakfast. It’s important to begin your day with a little energy.”

            “I guess,” I agreed tightly.

            He pulled out a couple apples, handed one to me, and started cutting his into slices, studying the clouds at the same time. “The sky looks rather ominous this morning, doesn’t it?”

            Half-hoping the empty feeling inside me would go away if I ate, I took a bite out of my own apple. “Nn. Yeah.”

            At last, he looked at me— _really_ looked at me. After being him around him all this time, I could tell the difference between a casual glance and thorough analysis. It scared me just a little what he could figure out from staring me in the eyes, so I pretended to care about the sky also. Casually, very casually, he asked, “Did you sleep all right?”

            “Yeah.”

            Okay for sleeping on the ground anyway. Not to mention waking up from that bizarre dream at the ass crack of dawn.

            _By now you must know no one will ever love you…_

What a fucked up thing to say to somebody. Seriously.

            In the end, she was right anyway. Nobody ever loved me in my whole life; Back when I was a kid, I used to wonder if my real mom would have loved me, but when I got older it came to me that the answer was right in front of me—she killed herself out of shame. My stepmom tried to take me out. Jien took off like I was nothing. And all the women I’d ever been with… They were always gone in the morning.

            Once, there had been that one girl. Damn, I couldn’t even remember her name now. Something western, like Candy, or Cookie. Sweetie, maybe. Lolli. Whoever she was, she was just a whore who happened to like me a lot.

            Fucking her eight nights in a row when I was fifteen didn’t count as love…did it?

            _I haven’t got a clue,_ I reminded myself, frustrated.

            Hakkai was still talking, and I realized I hadn’t heard a word he said.

            “What?”

            Mouth set in a straight line, he stared at me more intensely than ever, eyebrow threatening to lift. “I said, if you’re ready to go, we might as well get moving.”

            “Right.” I got to my feet and stretched, feeling stiff, and watched him from the corner of my eye. With him awake, I should have felt better; I’d woken him up because I’d thought I would feel better. So why did I still feel like I had to scream at him just to be heard.

            Everything was cool last night. We set out from home early in the day and trekked into the mountains, and even though Hakkai said we had to keep quiet, there had been plenty of laughing, joking, and teasing. At sunset, when we’d settled down around a campfire, we’d played cards and talked long into the night. I’d felt fine. I hadn’t thought for a second I’d wake up feeling like shit.

            Oh well. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt like this, and it wouldn’t be the last, so I might as well get over it. In a few hours, I knew I’d be okay again, and I started to follow him into the trees.

            It wasn’t like yesterday though, and we’d only gone a couple hours before I was sick of hiking and climbing cliffs. The thin air was freezing, the terrain was rough, and I was tired. Still, I didn’t feel like complaining. All I wanted was to put my body on auto-pilot and think about nothing. Hard to believe one stupid dream could fuck me up so bad.

            As we went along, Hakkai marked our path with red ribbons he’d brought so we could find our way home easier, and he hesitated by tree trunks to inspect claw marks or knelt down to run his fingers over a set of tracks. I didn’t pay much attention to what he was doing, really.

            It was dumb, I thought, trusting in him to that degree. I knew he’d lead me where we needed to go, and I knew he’d fight at my back when we got there, and when it was all over, I knew he’d know the way home. If something happened to him, I’d be fucked, alone out here, miles and miles from civilization.

            While he paused to tie off another ribbon, I turned to look over my shoulder, back the way we’d come. We weren’t even moving in a steady direction. Home, I thought, was to the east, but how far, and where exactly, I couldn’t say. Something didn’t have to happen to Hakkai, I realized. All it took was for him to decide he was done with me and walk away when my back was turned.

            He wouldn’t do that, of course. And then, I didn’t know what made me so sure he wouldn’t. Plenty of other people had.

            Smiling, he came back to me and broke the silence for the first time since we started walking. “I believe we’re closing in. The trail is quite fresh.”

            He waited for me to say something.

            “With any luck, we’ll catch up within a couple of hours, but we must maintain a steady pace.”

            Yes, he was definitely expecting me to say something. That meant I was acting weirder than I realized, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t made a single joke since I woke up. I wasn’t even whining. I was standing here thinking about how fucked I’d be if he left me.

            Helplessly, I stared down at my boots.

            “It won’t take us long to get home. We may even have time for a drink at the bar.”

            I should have thought of a million things to say by now; he was giving me every opportunity on earth to say _something_ , but I couldn’t even look at him.

            “Is climbing this mountain so utterly annoying that you’ve lost the ability to complain about it?”

            Finally! A question. Something I had to respond to. God help me if I didn’t.

            “No.”

            Hakkai frowned, and I kicked myself mentally. For fuck’s sake, we were climbing the most treacherous mountain in Southern Chang’an, looking for a monster. I should have _something_. I couldn’t even make a comment about how I didn’t want to get eaten by anything without a vagina.

            That whore who used to like me—Lolli, I think—had a shaved pussy. I remembered that better than anything, along with her shrill voice. She’d always made me feel like I was doing something dirty with a kid. Now I realized I had been a kid myself. She’d been older than me by at least ten years.

            But she always said she loved me after she came. That might have been what I liked about her the most. I used to think I loved her too. By the second or third night I’d spent with her, I’d actually believed I was special to her.

            But fucking Lolli eight nights in a row still wasn’t love, and I knew that even then.

            _Maybe it is. I don’t know the difference. Who does?_

Slowly, I faced Hakkai’s stern face. He looked half-confused and on the verge of annoyed, giving me a familiar ‘you’d better say something to me now’ look, and I didn’t blame him. Walking through the mountains with a guy who refused to talk had to be boring as fuck. Besides, I got the feeling I was worrying him, and that meant he was going to start up with the questions. The last thing I needed was to have him in my head today.

            “Hey, man,” I said so suddenly I think I startled him. “What’s it like to be in love?”

            Eyes widening, he shifted the pack on his shoulders. Just nervous energy. No way that little backpack was too heavy for the killing machine. For several seconds, he gaped at me that way, like I’d grown a second head out of the base of my neck, and then he stammered, “Wh-why in the world are you asking me that?”

            “Makin conversation. This walk’s boring.”

            “I agree.” He led the way forward. “I hope we find it soon. It’ll be nice to take the frustration out on something, don’t you think?”

            It sounded like a play at distracting me, but it wasn’t going to work.

            “You were in love, right? With Kanan?”

            After a pause, he muttered lowly, “Yes. I suppose.”

            “So how was it? You guys lived together, yeah? Fucked each other?”

            This time when he faced me I could see he was torn between outrage and bewilderment, cheeks turning just a hint of pink, eyes flashing, like he didn’t know if he should really be pissed or if he should be asking if I was all right. Either way, I knew he was totally offended. “How can you ask me that? Don’t you know the answer already?”

            “So it’s like having a fuck buddy?”

            Hakkai almost tripped over a rock the size of my head and then looked at it like it was supposed to explain itself. “Are you asking me if being in love is like having a _fuck buddy_?”

            Gnawing my cigarette, I shrugged. “Guess so.” Again, I couldn’t help but think about how much I obviously trusted him. I wouldn’t even start to ask someone else these questions.

            “Gojyo…” He shook his head. “Gojyo, please tell me that’s one of your extremely distasteful jokes.”

            “Do I look like a guy who knows?”

            “Even you should be able to understand the difference between the two.”

            “Well, I don’t. I’m asking you to tell me.”

            Temper snapping way quicker than I expected, he growled, “No. Being in love is nothing like having a fuck buddy. And for the record—”

            “How come?”

            “Because, for one thing, there’s a certain level of commitment in love, not to mention a sense of responsibility. Both of which you clearly know nothing about.”

            I took the jab with a contrite smile. I guess I really had tweaked him just the right way. It was a rare thing, something I might even normally take pride in. Usually it took at least a few minutes of rubbing him the wrong way. Today, I didn’t want to bicker with him.

            “For the record,” he added icily, “Kanan and I were not fuck buddies.”

            “I know,” I murmured. “You loved her.”

            My tone had him hesitating and studying my face again. Hopefully he’d be able to tell I wasn’t purposely pushing his buttons.

            “It’s not enough though, right? They gotta love you back.”

            “Among other things.”

            How you achieved that, I had no idea. I hesitated to climb a boulder and stood there a moment as he kept moving. He was probably sorry he’d gotten me to say something.

            Lighting another cigarette, I struggled to put together the impossible jigsaw puzzle of love. If you actually fell in love with a girl, you still had to get her to love you back, and that was something nobody had any control over.

            I leapt down from the boulder to jag after him. “So how’dya know when you’re in love?”

            Hakkai looked incredibly annoyed. “You just know.”

            “All that shit about not being able to eat or sleep, always thinking about her, being completely miserable. That’s all true? That’s how you know?”

            “It’s subjective, I’m sure. Some people may feel that way, but typically only when they’re unsure of the other person’s feelings.”

            “Then how do you know when somebody loves you back?”

            “I don’t know, Gojyo. You just do.”

            Side by side, we crested rugged hill and stared into a deep valley of dense trees and overgrowth. Hidden in the shadows, I thought I heard a bubbling stream, and the way down was steep. Dirt came loose wherever I stepped, and I slid a few times. Once I’d gotten a system worked out where I wouldn’t fall on my face, I asked, “Okay, but how?”

            Stiffly, Hakkai froze and turned on me, voice sharp, and I could hear that he wanted to hurt my feelings. “Your older brother must have gotten so sick of you.”

            While he marched on, I hung back, shoving hair out of my face and flicking my cigarette, telling myself I deserved that. I couldn’t expect to stick my nose into the most painful piece of his past and not have him retaliate. That wasn’t how people worked, and Hakkai always threw discretion out the window the second Kanan was involved.

            I shouldn’t feel hurt. And he was probably right.

            _Nobody will ever love you…_

“He did,” I called after him, trying to laugh, but the laughter died in my throat. “That’s why he left my ass behind.”

            With a sigh, he stopped again, hesitated, and turned to look at me, expression a little softer. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for—I didn’t mean it.”

            “Forget it, man.”

            Skeptically, frowned again, not quite believing I’d let it go that easily. “You must realize, though, this isn’t my favorite topic. It seems to me you’re asking every painful question you can think of.”

            “Nah, man…” I slid down the hill to him. “I get it sucks for you. Just be a dude and tell me how.”

            He shook his head. “What do you want me to say? It’s not the same for everyone. I knew…that is…I found out because I was honest with her. I suppose, though, there are an infinite number of ways to go about it. Stealing her diary, perhaps.” He managed a bleak smile.

            Uncertainly, I admitted, “I don’t get it. What are you supposed to do with yourself if you fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way?”

            “I’m not sure. Suicide seems to be a popular answer.”

            I forced a laugh, desperately wishing today felt normal and this could all be a joke. That nasty dream voice still slunk through my head though, and if I thought to hard I’d get into a mood. And I didn’t like who I was when that happened.

            Hakkai also managed a slow, insincere smile. “I don’t recommend that. It’s…gruesome…”

            I pounded his back, realizing I’d steered the conversation in the worst direction possible. “Hey, don’t go into your dark place, buddy, okay? I don’t wanna die down here.”

            “Some things,” he murmured, “are much better left unsaid.”

            “I know. It’s…” I threw my cigarette down, angry with myself for making him think about any of this shit. “Fuck. I’m sorry, ‘Kai. I ain’t trying to be a dick…”

            “What _are_ you doing?” he wondered. “Could it be you’ve finally met a woman who means something to you?”

            Not wanting to admit the truth, I didn’t answer.

            “Or are you trying to tell me you’ve fallen in love with _me_?”

            “Pfft. Fuck that. Don’t even joke about that.”

            “I wasn’t. I’m merely trying to understand where your mind’s gone today.”

            “Well, it’s not _there_. You stay in your own fuckin bed.”

            “Believe me, I require no convincing whatsoever in that respect.”

            “Good. Why’re we even talking about this? Forget it.” I did want to drop it, I decided, especially since I had started to notice a gross, musky smell blowing up from the darkness below me, something heavy and sickening.

            “Gojyo,” he said after a few more minutes of silence. “This really isn’t about a woman?”

            “Nah.” I flicked my lighter, thinking the smell indicated that we’d be in a fight soon. “‘Course not. You shittin’ me?”

            He gave me a probing stare.

            “Just…I really don’t know. You know?”

            “I know you don’t,” he said softly.

            “Maybe that’s my fault. I guess knowing in a textbook, I read about that kinda way is better than not having the first clue.”

            “It’s not as if you’re incapable of it,” he said sternly. “If you wanted to be more serious about your love life, you could, and that would be much better than understanding love vicariously.”

            Tiredly, I muttered, “I guess so.” I didn’t want to tell him all the pathetic details though. I didn’t need his pity.

            “ _Oh, Gojyo, don’t you see I’m doing you a favor? After all, by now you must know, no one will ever love you anyway…”_

_Thanks for the favor, Mom._

For all I knew, I was lucky. I knew enough people who’d wound up either dead or super fucked by love. All my parents, Hakkai, dozens of losers at the bar. Maybe I was the smart one.

            “Why would anyone wanna fall in love anyway?” I mumbled, mostly to myself. “Sounds like trouble.”

            “Not really,” he answered immediately. “It’s not easy, but it is worth the effort. It was to me,” he added quietly, “anyway.”

            I wanted to ask if it was worth it to watch her die in front of him, or to go through the hell of trying to save her, unable to in the end. Was it worth his humanity? Was it worth winding up here, with me? Didn’t he think he could have been a million times more successful if they’d never met?

            Asking those questions would make me the biggest jackass in the world, so I tucked my lighter into my pocket and stayed quiet. We were nearing the bottom of the valley now, and the rank scent made me feel like something had crawled up in my nostrils and died. The birds had stopped singing. I slung my arm around his neck and grinned, no matter how fake and horrible it felt to smile. “You’re right. I have no idea what I’m talking about.”

            Let him go on thinking he was the lucky one. He was lucky in everything else he did; it wouldn’t hurt for me to have a leg up on him in one useless phase of life.

            To my surprise, Hakkai rested his hand on the back of my neck. He wasn’t typically a touchy guy, and I didn’t know what it meant. It was there so briefly, I barely had time to understand it, but from the way our eyes locked, and the apologetic half-smile on his lips…he was pitying me. That solitary, momentary, arbitrary touch of skin was his way of saying he was sorry.

            I didn’t need that, I told myself, and I never wanted it. Still, it felt good for a moment, being touched in even the smallest way. I couldn’t help remembering the days when the only want to feel someone’s skin against mine was to pay them for it, and it was good to know he was there with me, and he wasn’t going to leave me, no matter how much of a jackass I acted like.

            I stared at him a while, feeling dumb for letting such a tiny gesture throw me off so bad, and then he shrugged out from under my arm and announced, “It appears we’ve arrived.”

            Running a hand through my hair, I surveyed our new surroundings. The valley was dark, the tight-knit canopy blocking out most of the sun, and the trunks hedged in like walls. The ground under my boots felt soft and damp, but the grass grew tall, and the bottom of the valley was only a few miles wide. Ahead of me, the other side loomed up in a sheer wall, but between the cliffs, the land ran flat and long, with a small river bubbling cheerfully through it. Wind rustled through the leaves, bringing that overpowering reek with it, clogging my senses. Several times, I turned around, looking for any sign of the creature we were hunting.

            It was supposed to be dangerous, I reminded myself, which was weird since, yesterday, Hakkai suggested it seemed to be running away from us. Sanzo had sent us after more than a dozen people had been attacked while going through the mountain pass. Some were even monks at his temple. No one had a good description of the creature since everyone who’d seen it up close had died. It didn’t give us much to go off.

            “The tracks led straight here,” Hakkai whispered.

            “And we’re sure it’s not some renegade youkai?”

            “No. There have been a few indistinct sightings of _something_ not quite humanoid in the vicinity. Also, judging by its tracks, it’s too large.”

            Mumbling to himself then, he began to circle the perimeter, kneeling here and again, while I stood by and watched and smoked and sighed. The apple from earlier hadn’t helped much, and I felt hungry again. The loneliness hadn’t lifted.

            Back home, there was a new girl in town. I saw her a few nights ago, but she was busy. I wondered if she’d be up for a roll in the hay when I got back. I could use it after a day like this one. Love, luckily, wouldn’t be there to get in the way.

            _Yeah, and when that’s over, you get to go back to being all by yourself, all the time. You’re the big winner, huh, Gojyo?_

“Fuck.”

            Hakkai came back to me. “According to the tracks, it should be right here. I can’t see that it’s climbed up anywhere, and the trail doesn’t seem to lead anywhere.”

            “Couldn’t it have gone into the river and swam away?”

            “I believe I’d see some trace of that,” he said irritably, like I thought he was stupid.

            “Okay, so where’s the trail end?”

            “Just as I said: right here. It should be—”

            Simultaneously, we looked up.

            _It_ grinned back at us.

            “Holy shit… Hakkai…”

            It had to be the ugliest thing I’d ever seen, about eight feet tall, with a ram’s head. Its twisted horns looped back over its skull, and little lamb ears flicked curiously. Rows and rows of sharp teeth gleamed in its smiling mouth. From the way it perched in the tree, I could tell its arms were a little too long. Its skeletal torso _was_ a lot like a person’s, but the rest of it was freakish. Powerful legs resembled a rabbit’s, and its tail looked like a kangaroo’s. It had these gigantic, three-toed paws, equipped with black claws. Its hands, though, were like a human’s. Five fingers, just like mine, and wicked long nails, like a youkai, perfect for slicing, dicing, and mutilation. Hairless, its gray-blue flesh shimmered in the sunlight. Hungry, red eyes stared right at me, like I was its next meal.

            Chirping like a bird, it cocked its head and studied us.

            We stayed perfectly still.

            “Great. We found it. Now what?”

            “Sanzo requested we destroy it…at any cost.”

            _“Any_ cost?”

            Hakkai laughed. “You could provide a good distraction. Red is a noticeable color after all.”

            While we were babbling, it opened its mouth, showing me all those rows of teeth along with a serpentine tongue the color of vomit. A shriek pierced the smoky sky, rattling the trees and giving me an instant headache.

            Clapping my hands over my ears, I stumbled back. “Dammit!”

            With a flex of its thick legs, it sprang down, soaring through the air, and I half expected it to sprout butterfly wings and fly away. Instead, it landed heavily, right behind me.

            Shouting, I spun around. It thrust its ugly head at me, nostrils quivering as it took a whiff of my hair and shirt. Apparently, it liked what it smelled, because I swear it looked me right in the eyes and grinned.

            _Well, hello there, snack._

That disgusting tongue slithered from the jagged cave of its mouth, oozing a nauseating, blue saliva that smelled like bile and human blood, and then it took a swipe at me. Random and lazy, playful almost, like a cat pawing at a mouse.

            Just in time, I leapt back. The tips of those deadly claws barely tore my shirt, and I stumbled against Hakkai. “I do not like that thing.”

            Charmingly, he said, “Though, it seems to like you. Now that I think of it, all the people killed by this creature have been humans. Perhaps it doesn’t care for the taste of youkai.”

            “Whatever, let’s just kill it.”

            It bounded forward, tongue lolling from its mouth like a happy dog, and landed right in front of us, swinging both hands like it didn’t care who it ripped open. It just wanted a feel of warm flesh and blood.

            We retreated back toward the band of the river, Hakkai musing, “Then again, it may simply be hungry for whatever crosses its path.”

            “Hey, who knows? Maybe it’ll kill us both and only eat me. The point is, there’s no time to find out.”

            Monster claws came within a hair’s breadth of clipping my face, and I looked for a weapon. Several branches lay nearby, but none of them seemed sturdy enough, and that meant I was relying on my own strength and bare hands.

            It launched itself at Hakkai, knocking him down with a light head butt, and he had to scramble out of the way to keep from being filleted. He stumbled into me, and we stood shoulder to shoulder, watching it amble lazily toward us.

            “You gonna take your limiter off?” I asked nervously.

            “There’s no need. As long as you run around making enough noise, I shouldn’t have any trouble busting its head open.”

            “You brought me to be _bait_?”

            It interrupted again, ramming me with a bony shoulder and slamming me back into a tree. Its razor claws glinted as it raised on hand to shred me.

            With a string of curses, I ducked and rolled to the side, springing up again beside my partner. “I will _not_ be bait.”

            “Then I seriously recommend you get on the offense.

            “Fine,” I growled, but I didn’t argue. After two years of this bullshit, we both knew the best way to work a thing like this.

            Catching up the most promising tree branch I saw, I dove in and skidded to a halt just in front of the monster. With a giant swing, I shattered the branch across its face. Teeth flew, and dark, greenish blood spattered over my cheek and nose.

            “Sick!”           

            Hakkai shoved me out of the way just before I would have gotten the top half of my body bitten off, jumped up, and kicked the thing in the forehead.

            I tumbled back on my ass.

            Hakkai flipped away, landing practically on top of me, just as I sprang to my feet.

            Shoulder to shoulder, we rushed it, striking just as it recovered from his kick. I slammed against its chest. Hakkai plunged a fist into its knotty stomach, but his knuckles bounced off, like he’d punched a trampoline.

            Screaming, it waved its tongue back and forth, trying to take his head off. He feinted back, hopping over a fallen tree.

            I kicked it in the chest for good measure, and then dodged out of the way, dropping to the ground to pick up a rock.

            “This isn’t very effective,” Hakkai commented briskly.

            “This’ll be.”

            Rock in hand, I attacked again, busting it across the jaw and breaking more teeth.

            Angrily, it grabbed at me. I caught it by the horns and swung myself onto its back, slid over the jutting spine, and smashed its tail against the nearest tree with my rock.

            The monster let loose a shriek I thought would shatter the sky like glass.

            Hakkai smacked it once in the face, shutting it up immediately, and then kneed it under the chin, kicked it in the neck, and then again in the side, and once more, right in the balls.

            I thought that would at least stun it, but it just got really mad and started rampaging. With a swipe of its smashed tail, it knocked my partner off his feet, and then sprang away, straight into the trees again. It dove down, hit the ground running, and raced across the bottom of the valley, coming right for us.

            I dragged Hakkai to his feet, and we barely dove out of the way in time. The second we were up, we had to dive again. It came at me, grinning and shrieking.

            This time, I dug my boots into the mud, bracing myself, jaw clenched, arms loose.

            Like an oncoming train, it hit. I caught its horns, hanging on with all my might, fighting not to get plowed over. I thought my body would fucking break. Pain shot through my arms and up into my head. My knuckles felt like they might pop. I slid back, scrabbling at the ground as it shoved me along, jaws snapping mere inches from my stomach.

            Desperately, I slammed forward, throwing all my weight against it, that much closer to that nightmare of a mouth.

            From behind its blue gums, the tongue slithered out, wrapping slickly around my waist and squeezing. I lost ground during the shock.

            Hakkai appeared beside me, hands fitting over mine, and I felt my knuckles strain as he shoved against it as well. “You’re…always…so. Reckless. Gojyo.”

            Roaring and screaming, the monster thrashed and stomped, but it couldn’t push us both.

            We threw it down, hard.

            I went flipping up over its back. The tongue let go just in time for me to belly flop into the river.

            Blinking through murky brown, I sucked in a lungful of water, and then surfaced again, wheezing and gagging. Blinking filthy water from my eyes, I scanned the bank. The monster had vanished. Hakkai stood there, shouting.

            In a giant splash, it landed beside me. Tail thrashing back and forth, it screamed, a sound all too close to that of a woman’s voice.

            Still choking, I paddled desperately for the shore. Small waves washed me along though, dragging me back and forth.

            Teeth nipping at my neck, it swept me up by the back of my jacket, slinging me around.

            I slammed hard against a tree and bounced. For several seconds, it was all I could do to writhe on the ground, grasping at my ribs. Above me, the dusky canopy criss-crossed over my vision, spinning wildly, like the whole world was going around.

            Hakkai’s face appeared, eyes wide, mouth gaping. My ears were ringing to bad to hear what he said.

            “…Kai, I—”

            “…up!” Fisting a hand in the front of my shirt, he dragged me. Something snagged my pant leg, and sharp pain shot up my thigh. I looked down to see a bright stream of blood gushing down my leg, soaking the denim of my jeans, and the monster’s hungry, bruised face was right fucking there. Its teeth gnashed and snapped, aching to rip my leg off.

            With a scream, I planted the sole of my boot between its eyes, and then I was on my feet.

            The second I stood, hot, unbearable pain sliced through my calf, and my knee went out. I faceplanted hard in the moss and dead leaves.

            “I said up!” Hakkai shouted, dragging me to my feet again. Damn. He sounded scared. He swung me out of the way just in time, and then leapt aside.

            It crashed against the tree behind us and stumbled back, screeching its outrage.

            Hakkai grabbed my wrist. “Gojyo! You have to get up!”

            “I’m up, I’m up.” I forced myself to ignore the pain in my leg, too scared to look down and see what had happened to it.

            My partner jammed his shoulder under my armpit. “You have to get out of here.”

            “Are you stupid?” I gawked at him. “I can’t leave you here!”

            “Your leg—”

            “It’s fucking fine. Okay, Hakkai? My leg feels great.”

            “Gojyo—”

            “Shut up.” I shoved him away, tottering and nearly losing my balance as the pain seared up into my side.

            It was coming back. Slower this time. Blood oozed from its eyes and nose. I doubted anything had given it a run for its money before.

            But it was still winning, and as we watched its wary advance, I realized I was scared. Dying would be okay, but if something happened to Hakkai…

            “Gojyo,” he tried again. “You can’t fight like this. Just—”

            “I told you to shut up.”

            He breathed an exasperated sigh.

            “What should we do?”

            “It’s stronger than I expected, and it doesn’t appear to have a real weakness.”

            “Let’s just take it apart then.”

            He said nothing. I knew he was thinking I was just a liability now that my leg was all shredded to hell.

            “C’mon.” I nudged him. “I got an idea.”

            “What kind of idea?” he wondered, looking and sounding more skeptical than ever.

            I grinned. “Ready?”

            “For?”

            With a chuckle, I limped away, screaming in a hoarse voice and waving my arms for good measure.

            Curiously, the monster watched me, cocking its head and crooning. Its nostrils quivered, and I knew it smelled my blood. It dove for me. I could almost hear Hakkai calling me an idiot under his breath.

            “C’mon, ugly!” I shouted. “Over here! Master Sanzo saaays—get the _fuck_ offa his mountain!”

            Pounding footsteps shook the ground right behind me, and another horrible shriek nearly busted my eardrums. I forced myself to keep running. It didn’t matter how much it hurt. It didn’t matter that I felt fresh blood coating my entire leg now.

            “Come get some!” I whipped around.

            It lunged, jaws open.

            One bite. I’d be gone.

            My leg gave out, and I fell to the ground again.

            The monster gnashed its jaws at me. I kicked it as hard as I could in the chin, snapping its jaws shut and splintering a few more of its teeth.

            Nails tore through my coat, ice cold, ripping across my arm and chest. Its weight slammed on top of me, pinning me.

            More defiant than afraid, I shouted.

            The jaws unhinged right over my face. Drool dripped onto my skin, and my heartbeat raced.

            “Do it! Asshole!”

            As if on cue, Hakkai landed on its head, slamming its mouth shut and severing its tongue. Blood and chunks of muscle showered me. The weight lifted off, and I shielded my head, trying to keep the reeking, green blood off my hair and face.

            My partner sprang off again, nearly landing on my skull next. Standing over me, he round-house kicked that bitch in the face. A sickening crack cut through the air, and the monster fell back into the nearest tree, snapping the trunk. The tree landed on its head, and the skull gooshed like a melon. Blood and brains sprayed everywhere.

            For such a turbulent battle, it felt like an anti-climactic end, but then, who was I to be picky about survival?

            Breathing a huge sigh of relief, I lay back. “Shit.”

            Hakkai was just a fuzzy silhouette against the dim backdrop of the canopy. “You know, when I suggested we use you as bait I was only teasing.”

            “It worked, didn’t it?”

            “That isn’t exactly the point, Gojyo.”

            “Winning ain’t the point?” I blinked up at him, beginning to see doubles.

            Hakkai gave a sigh of his own, the way he did sometimes when he just didn’t have the energy to argue with me.

            “I think it is.” I fumbled to light my cigarette, and then sprawled there with one wrist draped over my forehead. The sun bothered me, and intense pain shot through my leg. I still didn’t want to look at it. “Damn, that thing really wanted to kill me. I feel like it didn’t go after you at all.”

            “I am stronger and smarter than you,” he muttered. “Animals can sense such things.”

            I moved my hand to glare up at him. “First of all, who says? Second, that thing was not an animal—it was a fuckin monster.”

            Gripping my arm, he helped me sit up against the tree behind me. With a grim smile, he took the pack off his shoulders to root through it. “Regardless, I am the one who now has to put you back together.”

            I watched him snap on a pair of disposable gloves and then fish a sealed suture kit out of the medical supplies, and then I closed my eyes.

            “I suppose it was inattentive of me,” he said in a while, “but while we were fighting, I couldn’t help but consider our conversation from earlier.”

            “Good to know your head was in the game,” I grumbled. Lightheaded now, and tired, I leaned back against the tree trunk and looked up to where I could see patches of slate gray sky through the trees. Gentle breeze slid across my face, inviting me to pass out.

            Hakkai ripped the leg of my jeans open and dumped a bottle of alcohol over the bleeding wound torn along the outside of my calf and knee. The burning pain had me jolting upright again and cursing.

            But Hakkai said, “You know, Love is a bit more complicated than it seems.”

            Gritting my teeth and clenching my fists, I watched him wipe the blood from my leg with a wad of gauze pads, revealing the quivering laceration, still oozing dark red.

            “It’s difficult, from beginning to end. It’s difficult to know when you genuinely love someone, and it’s difficult to be selfless for them. It’s difficult to give them your all, and I can see how, to a man like you, it might even appear to be slavery.” With a small laugh, he scrubbed, a bit roughly, at the deepest part of the wound. I had to bite back a yelp. “Still, it’s something you _want_. Given freely.”

            Hakkai patted the wound dry again, mopping up the last of the blood, and shot a smile up at me.

            Panting, I huffed, distractedly, “Sounds rough.”

            “That’s not even the half, of course. There is always the nearly impossible task of accepting them precisely as they are—faults and all.” He unwrapped the needle and carefully threaded it. “No matter how careless or stupid, no matter what aggravating habits they maintain, all you can do is acknowledge that that’s simply the way they are. You learn, in time, how to love them without changing who they are.”

            I studied the slashes in my leg, sick to know the monster’s teeth had ripped my skin like tissue paper. The wounds were already pink and swollen. Swallowing hard, I shut my eyes again.

            Hakkai held my leg steady, and I felt the jabbing needle piercing my flesh again and again.

            Casually, he went on, “Even if you can accept them how they are, even more difficult, at times, is what it takes to forgive them some of the cruelest affronts. But I think if you can achieve these things—the acceptance, the forgiveness, and the overall sacrifice required in a relationship—there’s a good chance you love that person.”

            After that, he stitched in silence, and I gradually got used to the pinprick of the sutures. By the time he tied the last one off and started wrapping my leg, I was on the brink of passing out again.

            “Love, is subjective, of course, but I think a big part of it is being there for that person, whenever you can, as much as you can, through all sorts of crisis.”

            Through the haze of my exhaustion and discomfort, I wondered if he was just talking to keep me alert.

            “I believe, when someone you love needs you, you should be there. That’s why I still…cannot forgive myself. I-I know I loved her…” his voice dropped to a whisper, “but I let her down.”

            “Aw, c’mon, man,” I murmured, barely awake. “Shit happens. Right? Even in love.”

            Silently, he finished wrapping my leg, slapped a few adhesive bandages on my more minor injuries, and then suddenly shoved a canteen into my hands with an authoritative, “Drink,” and I had to stumble back to reality again.

            Clumsily, I lifted it to my mouth, spilling water down my chin and shirt. Half the canteen was gone by the time I handed it back to him, and he finished the rest.

            “I’m not sure that what happened to Kanan can be explained away by the ancient wisdom of “shit happens,” however, as I said, it’s all very difficult.” He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and smiled to himself. “I must admit, there have been times I thought I would have been better without.”

            “I get that,” I muttered, thinking again that maybe I was the lucky one to have a life without love—all that acceptance and sacrifice was great if it worked, but if it didn’t, you ended up right where he was now. That was a dark place.

            “Only…” He stood up and offered me his hand. “If you do make the choice to go without, it raises the question of who gets left behind. Who might have needed you while you were busy protecting your own scars?”

            Confused, I met his gaze. He smiled back at me warmly.

            Slowly, I took his hand and let him haul me to my feet, automatically draping my arm around his neck. Another jab of pain lanced through my leg, and I sagged against him so I could lift my heel off the ground.

            Hakkai slipped his arm around my waist and started toting me forward. “You’d be surprised though,” he murmured, almost like he was just talking to himself, “the compassion that can come out of true love. It makes the harder aspects of love easier. Once you understand which emotions drive them and commiserate with their nightmares, you can forgive a person nearly anything. Though…” He laid his free hand across his stomach, where the scar was. “I’m not sure even she could have forgiven all those sins I committed.”

            “But you felt that way about her, right?”

            “To me, she was perfect,” he agreed in a soft voice.

            As we began moving forward, the pain in my leg throbbed from all the agitation, and my head felt like it was filled with helium; my stomach was tied in knots, and I was scared to even look up at the cliffs and think about climbing them.

            More frightening though, I realized, was that none of the people I’d ever had in my life—not Mom, not Jien, not Banri or Lolli—had ever loved me, even though I had loved them.

            _No one will ever love me anyway…_

“You’re still quite young,” Hakkai reminded me suddenly, like he’d read my mind. “There’s no need to be concerned about it.”

            “You’re not old either, ‘Kai,” I snorted, thinking he could still find someone else some day.

            “Yes, but I was fortunate to feel what I felt early on like I did and to be shaped by it. If I never feel that way toward anyone again, I won’t be surprised. There’s still hope for you though, if you allow for the opportunity.”

            “Right. No offense, but I’d have to be an idiot to leave myself open to that. Sounds like a good way to get hurt.” With a heavy hand, I tucked another cigarette into the corner of my mouth and struggled to light it.

            Hakkai had to pause and help me.

            “I mean, just ‘cause you feel like that about somebody doesn’t mean they hafta feel that way back.” The words reminded me of how hopeless and vulnerable I’d felt earlier, not letting me forget that there would always be days like this—when I really did care whether or not anybody loved me. There would always be days when knowing that wasn’t in the cards for me would make me feel like giving up.

            After a short pause, Hakkai said, a little more energetically, “You would know if someone loved you though, wouldn’t you?”

            “I dunno. Would I?” I took a deep breath of smoke. “I’ve never noticed before.”

            “I think you’d at least notice signs of it. I assume even you would be able to see if someone was always willing to be there for you, and whether or not they’d be willing to look past your obnoxious attitude or your irritating behavior.”

            I laughed, thinking there was no way a girl would ever put up with all my shit. “She’d hafta be damn special, but I get what you’re saying.”

            “No,” he muttered, “I doubt you really do.”

            “It ain’t about women and sex all the time. Right?”

            “That…more or less entails what I said. Yes.”

            “Ya coulda just said so.”

            “Mm, but that grotesque translation doesn’t quite mean the same thing as what I just told you.”

            Inevitably, I started thinking of the times I’d almost lost him and all the shit I would have done to save him or get him back. Even though it wasn’t something guys were supposed to say to each other, it was there, in my head. It sank in there one day, when he was laughing his ass off at something stupid I did or said, or in the middle of a pointless fist fight he’d won, or maybe just a few minutes ago when he went to all the trouble of putting my leg back together. Maybe that was okay. Feeling that way.

            “Hey.” I knocked my head lightly against his, letting the dizziness take over my inhibitions and the delirium give me confidence like whiskey. I let the words linger on my tongue for a few seconds before rushing through them. “I love you, man.”

            Hakkai laughed. Suddenly and loudly. “I didn’t expect that,” he admitted.

            “Yeah, well remember how it sounds—I ain’t gonna say it all the time.”

            “Sure, sure,” he chuckled.

            I smiled to myself. It wasn’t as awkward as I expected, and it didn’t make me feel like a total fag either. I’d felt that way a while, I realized, and admitting it wasn’t such a big deal. I didn’t know when those feelings showed up exactly. Probably some time after Banri bailed on me. Maybe even before. Still, it took me a long time to figure out what they meant. Sometimes, I thought, the way I felt about Hakkai was a lot like the way I’d felt about Jien. Different, because I didn’t look up to him the same way, and I didn’t have a bunch of expectations piled on top of his head. So sometimes, when that feeling crept in, I had to remind myself that he wasn’t my brother. Because he wasn’t my brother. He wasn’t.

            I felt his arm around me and the pain in my leg from the sutures he’d painstakingly sewn into me, and I couldn’t help thinking, _He’s doin a fuck’ve a lot better job at it though…_

That wasn’t right, thinking that shit about Jien. Jien saved my life.

            _Once. And then he took off._

            Hakkai was always there though. I was starting t o believe, stupidly, maybe, that he always would be.

            For the first time since Jien left, it occurred to me that it might not matter if I never saw him again.

            I shook that away. _Of course it matters._

            Then, Hakkai was talking again so I listened.

            “I feel the same way, of course. Man. Though, I would have expected you to notice that some time ago.”

            Shocked, it took me a moment to answer, and my face burned. “Um…no. I guess not. Not really.”

            Frowning disapprovingly, he stopped and turned to me. We’d reached the bottom of the cliff, and the steep, rocky wall stretched up into the sky like the side of a building. “It’s a little obvious, isn’t it?”

            I laughed. “No. Yeah. I get ya. I…I’m just an idiot.”

            He shook his head. “No. You just have a lot to learn, Goj.”

            “Yeah,” I agreed slowly, staring up the cliff again. “I think so too.”

            One last time, the dream voice tried to sneak in again, but I shut her up. For the first time since she said that to me almost ten years ago, I finally thought she might be wrong, because if Hakkai gave a shit, it wasn’t impossible that, some day, there might be others.

            _Some day._

Mildly, he told me, “As long as you don’t smoke yourself into an early grave, you have a long time to figure it out.”

            Yeah, I thought, this could be okay.

            _It better be. It’s probably the best a lowlife like me can do._

And then we climbed the cliff together.

 


	10. Hakkai's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gojyo gets Hakkai the wrong gift.

**Killing a Bottle of Absinthe**

 

 

            Skeptically, I looked at him. “I think this may be a bad idea.”

            Looking more mischievous than usual, Gojyo grinned back at me. “Why? It’s your birthday.”

            “Yes, but consider what happened to you on my last birthday.”

            With a short pause, he rubbed the back of his neck and then admitted, sheepishly, “I don’t remember.”

            “That’s no surprise.” I, of course, remembered clearly, but I decided to exclude some of the messier details, and said, “You drank your weight in hard alcohol, threw up nearly twice that amount—somehow—and passed out in the back yard.”

            “Yeah, because it was your birthday.”

            It bothered me that what I’d just said didn’t bother _him_ in the slightest, so I shook my head, wonderingly, and said, “All I’m saying is that I would much prefer a quiet evening to myself, and perhaps some sake and cards, later, at a more appropriate hour. It’s only just five, you know.”

            Gojyo frowned. “That’s so boring though.”

            “To you, perhaps. To me, it sounds just right.”

            “C’mon, Hakkai, be nice—it’s your birthday.”

            I raised an eyebrow. “So you keep reminding me. Pray tell though, why do _I_ have to be nice to _you_ on _my_ birthday? I should think it would be the other way around.”

            Gojyo shrugged and took a quick drag off his cigarette. “I just mean I don’t wanna fight with you about what happened last year anymore.”

            “Yes,” I smiled. “Losing gets quite tedious, doesn’t it?” I hoped he really would let the issue lie now. Every year he saw fit to harass me on my birthday, ignoring the fact that I’d rather keep to myself. I supposed he failed to consider that, once, I’d had a twin, and she’d been everything to me, and that I’d lost her. How could I possibly enjoy anything even resembling a celebration? Particularly when his way of celebrating was so distasteful to me.

            Trying to sound apologetic, I added, just so he’d really understand, “I’m sorry, it’s just that I’d rather not spend my evening watching you get hammered and then babysitting you through the rest of the night.”

            His otherwise perpetual grin melted at once into a scowl. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

            “Well, it’s just that…if we start drinking _now,_ I’m sure I’ll be carrying you to bed around midnight.” That would be the least of it, I knew. I’d also be holding his hair back while he was sick, and I expected I’d be cleaning up vomit at some point, and frankly I didn’t want to indulge his drunken prattle either, nor tolerate his incessant complaining the following afternoon. I couldn’t even guess how many times I’d have to pick him up off the floor.

            However, I kept those thoughts to myself.

            Just as quickly as it came, the scowl was gone, and the grin was back. “Not if you’re hammed too.”

            “Gojyo,” I sighed, losing patience. “For two years now, you’ve done everything you could think of to get me drunk on my birthday, and for two years you’ve failed. Isn’t that enough?”

            His eyes gleamed with sudden and rather disquieting triumph. “This year’s different, Hakkai. ’Cause I got you a damn sweet birthday present.” And then, with a flourish, he produced a large, green bottle from inside his jacket, and thrust it toward me. “Tah-dah.”

            Reluctantly, I took it and looked it over. “Absinthe Verte.” I sighed and shut my eyes for a long moment. “Please tell me this is a joke.”

            “Nope. Happy birthday!”

            I opened my eyes again to give him an equally long, disapproving look. “Do you have any idea what this even is?”

            “Some western, import thing, right? Cost me an arm and a leg. Check it out though—I’ve heard it’s bad ass: seventy-five percent alcohol. I heard it makes you hallucinate, and all kinds of crazy shit—it’s gotta get even _you_ fucked up.”

            It was very difficult now to keep my frustration to myself, and I knew that meant I absolutely had to remain calm. Still, I rubbed my forehead wearily. Of all the idiotic…

            Forcing a smile to my face, I reminded him, “Oh, but I was so looking forward to the new rice cooker and gardening tools I requested. Weeks ago. When you came hounding me about what I wanted.”

            “What, you scared you might _actually_ get drunk?”

            I hesitated to look the bottle over again. It seemed common enough, with its French label and its thick glass. The graphic of a naked fairy woman winked back at me, simultaneously coquettish and risqué. Still, it had been rumored to drive men mad, back in the day, and I couldn’t deny its potency.

            “Not at all.” I handed it back to him, abruptly, and I could feel the smile threatening to fall jaggedly from my face and collapse into a frown. “I just think this is more along the lines of something _you_ would want for your birthday. So you may as well keep it, and save me some outrageous amount of money.”

            Gojyo looked a bit put-off at being so utterly denied. “Oh, come on, really? You’re not even going to have like _a_ shot of it.”

            “You don’t shotgun absinthe, Gojyo, and no, frankly, I’m not interested.” I said the words, but I couldn’t deny I was curious. If nothing else, it was something I’d never tried before.

            “That really hurts, man. I spent a lot of money on this.”

            I shot him a sharp look. “Don’t try to guilt trip me. It’s not my fault you didn’t listen, or that you spent too much money.”

            Looking half-way to devilish, he smiled again. “Admit it, you’re scared. You haven’t been drunk in years, and you don’t remember what it’s like, so you’re freaked out to try this really cool, foreign, green shit.”

            At that, I couldn’t help rolling my eyes. Here I’d always thought that someone who purchased a bottle of absinthe would be _cultured_ and sophisticated.

            “Well, you don’t want any. Fine. I get it. I’d be scared too if I was turning twenty-two and I hadn’t been drunk in years. But I’m not wasting my money.”

            My stomach tightened with outrage at the sound of his obnoxious tone. That was the voice he always used when he wanted to peer-pressure me, and I hated it, because I could never quite predict whether I was going to give in before he did or not.

            For one thing, in the face of my birthday, with memories of Kanan lingering in my head more tangible than usual, I couldn’t deny abandoning myself to the recklessness of intoxication sounded inviting.

            That was certainly a bad reason to get drunk, so I did my best to stay strong, and I tried not to sound too irritated. “I’m not _scared_ , Gojyo. Not for myself, at least. Though I am a bit nervous about what the notorious green fairy might do to _you_.”

            “Let’s find out.” Before I could think to stop him, he was popping the bottle open, tilting it back to take a swig.

            My eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. “Gojyo.”

            He made a face. “Tastes weird.”

            “You aren’t supposed to drink it like that.”

            “Who says?”

            “No one. Just culture.”

            “You can though, right?”  
            “You _can_ , yes. But it’s not exactly the right way.”

            He shrugged. “There’s no wrong way to get smashed. C’mon, man.” He offered me the bottle. “Just live a little.”

            I glared at the bottle, and the flirtatious fairy simpered back at me. Her eyes were green, like Kanan’s.

            Sighing, I took the bottle from his hand and sat down at the table. “I need water, sugar, and an absinthe spoon. Not to mention an appropriate glass.”

            From the grin on his face I could tell he was trying very hard not to gloat about his victory. “What’dya wanna wreck it for?”

            “That’s the right way to drink it.”

            “Yeah, if you’re Earnest Hemmingway, or whoever.”

            I raised an eyebrow at him in surprise.

            His shot up as well. “What?”

            “I’m surprised you know who that is.”

            Gojyo laughed, “I don’t!”

            Sighing, I turned the bottle around on the table in front of me, trying to make sense of the French words, but that wasn’t a language I was familiar with, and I could only make out a handful of them. Of course, the recipe for Hemmingway’s notorious death in the afternoon was on there, but we had no champagne either.

            “C’mon, Hakkai.” Gojyo slammed me on the shoulder. “Let’s get the knot out of your panties—just for tonight.”

            “On your birthday,” I muttered, “we’re going to do what _I_ want to do.”

            And then I tossed the bottle back.

 

            I stared up at the clock, and its blurry face stared back at me. I blinked, trying to make sense of the time. Next, I stared down at the absinthe bottle, where the green fairy seemed to dance, even though I had thought Gojyo tore the label off long ago. When I studied the fridge, I saw it tacked up there, swaying in a graceful rhythm. Our absinthe was more than halfway gone, but I couldn’t account for where it had disappeared to. I looked up at the clock again, watching the minute hand go around, seemingly backwards.

            “Dude,” Gojyo called. “What’s up?”

            Slowly, I turned to him. There were two of him now, and I didn’t know if I liked that. Two Gojyo’s meant twice as much mess and twice as much chaos.

            “Is it really almost eleven?”

            He twisted around in his chair to face the clock as well. “Tha’s what it says. Hey, you were tellin’ me somethin’.”

            “Where on earth did the last six hours go?” I gazed down at the bottle between us again, scowling at the green fairy, and she beamed, as if _she_ knew where the time and the drink had gotten to, but wouldn’t tell. I still couldn’t understand how she could be in two places at once.

            “We’ve been sittin’ right here.” Gojyo leaned back in his chair, blowing smoke rings. “What were you tellin’ me?”

            “Oh…” I did my best to wade back through my thoughts, but they seemed hazier than usual. “I was telling you about my eighteenth birthday, when Kanan and I went to the… Where did we go?”

            “Some museum.”

            “Ah, yes, the museum.” When I thought back, I could picture that day easily—late September, and the leaves were changing, blowing across the streets of the city. There’d been a distinct scent of fall in the air, and the wind had whipped Kanan’s loose hair. She’d worn her prettiest dress, and I could almost remember the warmth of her hand in mine. “It was the science museum, if I’m not mistaken. We had lunch in the food court there, and then we spent the whole day getting lost in the exhibits. I remember she really enjoyed the animal displays…especially the foreign ones, like the African ones. Do you know how dangerous the hippopotamus is? It’s possibly the most dangerous animal in the world. Fortunately, we don’t have them here. Of course we have plenty of creatures that are terribly dangerous as well. Animals are strange. You know, I think the ones who don’t kill for food—take the moose, for example—are particularly deadly, because when they take it into their head to attack you it isn’t because they’re hungry. A hungry predator might let you go simply because it’s recently made a separate kill, but things like moose and hippos must have some entirely different reason for attacking human beings. It seems they’re simply irascible. If you encounter one, you have such a likelihood of being killed for no particular reason. And on the other hand, there are so many animals that are willing to cooperate with man—such as the Indian elephant, or the camels of the Sahara, and God I’m talking a lot, aren’t I? Why am I telling you any of this?”

            Gojyo burst out laughing. He laughed so hard I worried he’d fall out of his chair. “Damn, dude, I don’ remember! I think I asked ya what your best birthday ever was.”

            “Oh, that’s right. Well, in any case, it was the day at the museum with Kanan. She treated me, of course—she was quite a lady when it came to things like that—she even paid for my lunch and for ice cream from the stand outside. She was a true lady.”

            Picturing Kanan standing out in front of the marvelous museum, indelicately licking a strawberry ice cream cone while the wind tossed her hair and skirt around, made my small heart ache unbearably. I downed another large gulp of absinthe and then blinked at Gojyo. “What about you?”

            “Me?” he echoed, sounding caught off guard.

            “Yes. What was the best birthday you ever had?”

            He chuckled, starting a new cigarette. “Hakkai, ya don’ even wanna know ‘bout that. There’s a _ton_ of sex in that story.”

            “And that’s what made it the best? Obscene amounts of sex?”

            “ _Unprotected_ sex,” he added, smirking at me.

            “That’s gross,” I decided, taking another swig of absinthe. It really did taste terrible. I looked around, not for the first time, trying to think of some way to improvise the sugar water I would need to make it right. “This is terrible, don’t you agree? This must be one of the top five most disgusting things I’ve ever put in my mouth.”

            Gojyo grinned, leaning closer, eyes gleaming with intoxication and cheekiness. “Tell me what the other four are.”

            “None of them are what you’re thinking of.”

            He fell back at once, laughing harder than ever. “Hakkai! Shit, man, I wasn’t thinkin’ ‘bout _dick_! Fuck, you’re nasty!”

            “I said that’s _not_ it.” I frowned at him. “You really can’t listen worth a damn.”

            Ignoring me, he took the bottle so he could have a swig of his own. “For not likin’ it, you’re sure drinkin’ a _lotta_ it.”

            “We’re sharing,” I reminded him. “That’s part of sharing. I drink half, and you drink half. Isn’t that the unspoken arrangement here? If I let you drink any more than that I’ll likely be planning your funeral tomorrow. Though, I suppose planning your funeral will become inevitable, eventually. You act as if you’re determined to drink—or smoke—yourself to an early grave. At the rate you’re going, it can’t be _too_ much longer now. That’s not especially fair, by the way, expecting me to plan your funeral after this lifetime of irresponsibility. If you were really my friend you’d at least attempt to restrain yourself, considering I’ve seen more than enough death already.”

            Gojyo shook his head. “You _are_ talkin’ a lot. Is it hittin’ you?”

            “No,” I lied. “I’m bored. We should go somewhere.”

            His eyes widened. “ _You_ wanna go somewhere? At ‘leven ‘clock at night?”

            “What difference does the time make?” I wondered, getting up and walking very steadily to the coat closet to retrieve my jacket. “It’s the weekend, and it’s my birthday.”

            “I thought ya wanted ta stay here.”

            “Staying here is useless now that you’ve gotten me… That is, now that I’ve wasted so much time drinking with you. We may as well go out and see what goes on around here on a Friday night.”

            “See?” A grin slipped slowly across his lips. “I knew you’re my age too. I fuckin’ knew it.”

 

            Side by side, we clipped through the busy town, surrounded by people—old and young—bustling down the streets, chattering and laughing. Lights flashed and music blared, but I spent most of the walk paying close attention to each and every step I took so I wouldn’t as much as stumble, while Gojyo half-swaggered half-staggered next to me, and by the time I started to notice our surroundings again we’d reached downtown, where the noise and excitement was at its peak.

            “No fighting,” I told Gojyo. “One thing I will absolutely not do on my birthday is break up a fist fight between you and some drunkard—not like last year. Last year, it seemed I was fishing you out of a fight every five minutes. I’m not doing that again. I will stand by and watch as you get your ass handed to you if I must, and I’ll even drag you to the emergency room if I have to, but I’m not stepping between you and someone else’s fist when you try to pick up someone else’s woman. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, do you? I wouldn’t expect you to do it on _your_ birthday. All I’m asking for is a little common courtesy.”

            Instead of answering, he wondered, “Wha’s with the swearing? You never swear.’

            It must be because of the absinthe, I realized, but I wasn’t about to tell him that, so I said, “It bothers me that you didn’t answer me.”

            “Duh. ‘Course, not gonna pick fights on your birthday. ‘Kay? Chill, Kai.”

            I studied him. He didn’t seem all that drunk yet. Yes, he _was_ slurring his words and walking unsteadily, and he had that unquestionably altered look in his eyes, but he wasn’t falling-down-stupid like I’d expected him to be, which made me question, again, where all the absinthe had gone. There was only a quarter of it left, and I couldn’t remember if I’d passed it to him even once on our way into town.

            I hoisted it over my head suddenly to inspect the bottom, thinking there could be a leak. “Where is all this devil’s piss going?”

            Gojyo paused to wrinkle his forehead at me in consternation. “Devil’s piss…”

            “The absinthe, Gojyo.”

            “I know. Jus’ not used ta hearin’ you talk like that. Uhh. What’dya mean? Where’s it goin’… We’ve been drinkin’ it.”

            “Yeah, but…” I paused and started over. “Yes, but I mean… You’re drinking it too, aren’t you?”

            “We’re sharing,” he told me, mimicking my voice and tone. “That’s part of sharing. See? I listen.”

            “You’re insufferable,” I grumbled.

            “I’m _tryin’_ ta drink it, but you’re bogarding it, man. I dunno where it went. I think ya drank a bunch of it.”

            “Here.” I handed it to him suddenly and tucked my hands in my pockets. It was a cold night, and I wished I’d brought my scarf. “I don’t want any more.”

            Dutifully, Gojyo took a sip and wiped his lips on his sleeve.

            Immediately, I snagged it back from him. “Never mind. I just remembered—if you drink too much of this you’ll ruin my birthday, if you don’t just die.”

 

            We popped into a club of Gojyo’s choosing. I was so intent on keeping myself under control—watching the way I walked and spoke and moved—I didn’t even notice the name of the place, and the next thing I knew I was standing against the bar, shoulder to shoulder with a sea of strangers, the low lights making every face mysterious, and the music was so loud I had to shout at the bartender to order a martini.

            “Dirty!” I screamed at him, as he cupped one hand around his ear. “Very dirty!” I jerked my thumb at Gojyo. “He’s just having water!”

            Gojyo rammed me with his shoulder, very nearly knocking me off-balance, and growled, “Don’t order for me, dick head!”

            I received my martini and turned to look around the club, desperate for a place to sit, but there didn’t appear to be any chairs at all—it was just a massive dance floor, wall to wall with people grinding against one another.

            “Why are we here?” I demanded.

            Gojyo looked coolly at me through the haze of his cigarette smoke. “Ya wanted ta go out!”

            “Yes, but why here? You know I’m not overly fond of places like this!”

            “I was just cold! What did’ja want? The library?”

            I glared at him. “Why are you fighting with me?”

            “I’m not fighting with you, Hakkai! Drink your fuckin’ martini an’ chill the fuck out!”

            Scowling, I sipped my beverage. I didn’t see how I could chill out at all with all the people jostling against me and screaming in my ear, and the god-awful music blaring, and the flashing lights threatening to send me into a seizure, and Gojyo being difficult.

            Gojyo hooked his arm roughly around my neck. “Dude! Quit frownin’ like that! You’re gonna scare all the chicks away!”

            “Is that why we’re here? To pick up women!”

            “No! I’m teasing you! Chill!”

            Before I could make my response, a woman crawled out of the crowd on the other side of me. She took a moment to hitch up her halter, seeing how she was just about to fall out of it—in fact it appeared to be a size too small—and then she smiled up at me with her ice-white lip piercing and glitter-coated eyelashes. “Hey, there!”

            Immediately, Gojyo took his arm off me and turned away, engaging in conversation with the patron next to him, abandoning me in yet another awkward social situation.

            “Hello,” I said back.

            The woman proceeded to dance next to me, bumping her broad hips against me and pressing in close. “What’s you’re name?” she shouted to be heard over the music.

            “Gonou— _Hakkai_! Cho Hakkai!”

            That was my name. I’d picked it. Where on earth did I even get it? Destruction, that was me.

            “Hakkai.” She giggled. “I like it! Do you wanna dance?”

            I shook my head. “No, thank you!”

            “Oh, c’mon!” She attached herself to my arm, fingers gliding up my bicep to my shoulder. “Don’t be shy! Dance with me!”

            “I don’t dance!”

            “Sure you do!” She slammed lightly against me, kinetic energy forcing me to sway in what was almost a rhythm.

            “No, really! I don’t! It’s flattering,” I forced myself to add. “Very flattering! But no!”

            She pretended to pout, but her eyes were bright with a hidden smile. “Buy me a drink then!”

            “I’m afraid I don’t—”

            A hulking man emerged from the crowd and stood behind her, bald head looking particularly shiny in the odd light. He had a huge septum piercing and his disgustingly long beard was damp from drinking. He glared down at me, booming, “What’re you up to, punk-ass? Tryin’ ta steal my girl?”

            “No, I—”

            She turned to him. “Oh! Don’t be such a Neanderthal! I was just talking to the guy!”

            “Looks like he’s tryin’ ta pick you up!” he growled, moving in closer to tower over me. “Right, you little shit? Pickin’ up on my girl!?”

            “As I said, no, I was just—”

            “Smart ass son’vabitch!” One meaty hand snagged the front of my shirt, dragging me forward, while the other bunched up and cocked back for a strike.

            I dropped my martini, ready to rip his arm off. My reflexes though. They weren’t as quick as—

            His fist smashed into my face, knocking me back, and the next thing I knew I was slumped against Gojyo, staring up into his screaming face.

            “Hakkai!”

            I felt him holding me up, but I couldn’t make myself move for a few seconds. I counted them.

            One, two, three…

            Gojyo’s eyes flashed and turned dark. He heaved me to the side.

            I made a grab at him. His slick jacket slipped through my fingers as he darted forward.

            Disbelievingly, I watched him knock the huge man’s block off. The brute fell over backward and vanished into the crowd, likely out cold on impact. His girlfriend screamed. The crowd gasped, and everyone around us fell silent. Several more men surged forward—they were dressed as bouncers.

            I got shuffled to the side all too easily and lost sight of my roommate in the chaos.

            Someone gripped my arm. A concerned but unfamiliar face stared at me, yelling, “You okay?”

            I pulled loose and stumbled away, looking around as if I was lost. I felt blood trickling down from my nose.

            _What the hell just happened?_

My heart started to race. The crowd was in a frenzy, shoving against each other and screaming, running away and moving in closer, rolling back and forth like tides at the ocean, pushing me out and threatening to drag me back in.

            When I finally had my senses again and was just beginning to charge forward to find him, Gojyo burst out from between the wall of people and grabbed me, shoving me ahead of him through the crowd. “Go, go, go!”

            I heard tremulous voices cracking over the general din. Faces appeared in front of me, staring wide-eyed with gaping mouths, and then disappeared again as I was pushed past them.

            Gojyo propelled me through the exit, out into the dark cold, and I nearly tripped down the stairs. Before I could right myself, he snatched the lapel of my jacket and dragged me around the corner, slamming me against the wall.

            Face full of shock and looking pale in the shadows, he stared at me, cigarette busted in half and hanging from his mouth. I felt him grip both my shoulders. “Hey, you okay?”

            Jerking away from him and cupping my bloody nose, I turned my back to him. Blood spattered the front of my sweater. I realized I was shaking and breathing hard, but I couldn’t understand what happened. I’d just watched that half-wit punch me in the face. _How_?

            A voice bellowed through the quiet, “Don’t come back, if you know what’s good for you! Fucking gutter trash!”

            “Shit.” Gojyo bumped me with his shoulder. “Let’s get outta here.”

            Taking hold of me again, he led me several blocks away, to a less crowded part of the street, and then paused in an alleyway. “Are you okay?” he asked again.

            I stared down at the puddle of blood in my palm. “That…miscreant hit me…”

            “I saw…” He popped a new cigarette in his mouth and chewed anxiously on it. “Are you all right?”

            Suddenly, I turned on him, shouting, “This is all your fault, Gojyo! I told you I didn’t want to be in there!”

            “Hey, I didn’t know somebody was gonna—”

            “No! But you knew I just wanted to stay home tonight! You knew I didn’t want to drink absinthe and go to a club and get hit on by STD-infested women! You _know_ that’s what _you_ want to do—not me! You’re so incredibly selfish!”

            “Hakkai, woah!” He raised his hands. “I—”

            “What’s _wrong_ with you?” I insisted. “You just _had_ to know what I wanted for my birthday! I told you again and again I didn’t want _anything_ from you, but you kept pushing and pushing, and then when the actual event arrives I find you didn’t get me _any_ of the things I asked for! You give me a bottle of alcohol I never wanted and a bloody nose from a bar fight in a club I didn’t care to go into! _Why_?”

            “Hakkai—”

            “No excuses, dammit! I understand why you don’t listen to me when I ask you to do something—you’re lazy and immature and stubborn—but why do you just _ignore_ me when I ask you _not_ to do something? Is this funny to you?” I wiped my bleeding nose, suddenly feeling like I just wanted to cry. “Did you just want a laugh at my expense?”

            He stared at me for such a long time I felt sure he wouldn’t have anything to say at all. I felt sure he’d simply turn around and walk away without a single word.

            Instead, he gave a heavy sigh, reached up to unwind the bandana from his forehead, and pinched it to my nose, too quickly for me to stop him, and so gently it didn’t even hurt. He tapped his head against mine. “Sorry,” he husked. “I don’t _have_ an ‘cuse, Sunshine. But I’m sorry.”

            Slowly, I took the bandana from him, applying pressure to the bridge of my nose. It smelled like sweat and cigarettes.

            Suddenly, my head felt light, and everything seemed to spin. I leaned back against the cold wall, murmuring, “Why…does everyone think I can get you to do whatever I want? You’re the one who convinces _me_ to do all sorts of things I _don’t_ want to do.”

            “I know,” he said quietly, lowering his eyes in guilt. “I’ma jerk.”

            My best friend, who’d just demolished a man nearly twice his size like a wrecking ball against a building, for my sake, and who’d given me an article of his own clothing to stop the bleeding of my injury, was not a jerk. He was a lot of things, but that wasn’t one of them.

            I threw my arms around him suddenly, pressing my bleeding face to his shoulder, and he held me up easily, while the world spun around and around. My stomach turned, and my knees buckled with weakness, and he’d never seemed so strong before. “I…miss Kanan…” I grated out, eyes stinging. “Even after all this time…”

            Gojyo squeezed me carefully. “I know, Hakkai.”

            “But I…I would never give you up…”

            “Okay. I’d never give ya up either.”

            Biting back tears, I held onto him all the tighter, and he let me.

            After a few moments, he said, “So…this’s what you’re like when you’re drunk…”

            “I’m not drunk,” I argued into his collar. “I’m just a little…”

            “You’re drunk, Hakkai. Ya drank most that bottle by yourself. I mean, you ain’t human an’more, but you ain’t a machine…”

            “I’ve drank much more than that in one sitting.”

            “Yeah. Like I said though, that shit isn’t like normal booze. Give yourself a break for once.”

            “Fine.” I snorted, standing up again, and the spinning worsened. “I’m drunk. You succeeded. I hope that makes you happy.”

            “Not really. I didn’t know it was gonna be sucha shit storm. Shoulda known…” He gave a sad, wry, little smirk. “You’re a damn mess.”

            Slowly, I looked away, watching the people passing on the street. Some of them gave us strange glances, but they continued to shuffle by, as they always had, not caring about the two of us. “I never thought I would be. I thought I’d be so much more than this.”

            “There’s nothin’ wrong with you, okay? It’s just that ev’rybody can only take so much. An’ you took a lot, Hakkai. That’s all it is.”

            I faced him. “How much more can _you_ take?”

            His already serious expression darkened a shade. “Not much, lemme tell ya.”

            “I’ve always assumed I’d be in a padded room if I were you.”

            Gojyo rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t that bad.”

            “It was though. You—”

            “I’m hungry,” he cut in. “Let’s go get breakfast.”

            I let him guide me out onto the road again, absently dabbing at my nose. “It’s not time yet for breakfast.”

            “Nah, but that’s what ya do when you’re drunk—eat breakfast.”

            “That hardly makes sense.”

            All the same, we walked a few blocks to a twenty-four-hour diner, and by the time we reached a booth in the back corner of the building, we were both stumbling rather badly, and I felt sick to my stomach. I rested my spinning head in my hands while the waitress served us coffee, and Gojyo perused the menu.

            “Why did you let me drink so much of that awful stuff by myself?” I demanded quietly.

            Gojyo lit a cigarette and even ashed a few times before answering. “I was tryin’ ta get ya drunk.”

            “That…is so… _uncool_ of you…”

            “Like I said, I di’nt know it was gonna be like this. I just wanted ya ta forget ‘bout it for a coupla hours… All that nasty shit that happened.”

            “How gallant,” I muttered dryly.

            “Sorry. Really. If I knew you were gonna get all ‘gressive—”

            “I’m not aggressive.”

            “’Kai, you’re ‘gressive when you’re sober. Ya just hide it. Ya hide all kindsa shit. If I knew ya were gonna be ‘gressive, an’ moody, an’ sad I wouldnta done it.”

            I glared up at him. There was three of him now. “As you pointed out, I’m like that anyway.”

            Gojyo nodded, still skimming the menu. “I jus din’t know, ‘kay, dude? I wasn’t tryin’ ta…hurt you.”

            Of course I believed that. Gojyo would never try to hurt me intentionally.

            “Well, please don’t do this again. I don’t like feeling this way.”

            His eyes flickered over the menu to meet my gaze. “I won’t,” he said flatly. “Drink your fuckin’ coffee.”

 

            We ate our meals in relative quiet, and after I had some food in my stomach I did feel a bit better, so we struck out for home. The walk seemed to take twice as long as usual, and I had to try extra hard not to stagger as we went, so we spoke very little on the trip as well.

            Back at the house, the lights were still on. Apparently I was intoxicated enough that I’d neglected to turn them off.

            Inexcusable.

            I dropped onto the couch, face first, trying to collect myself before going to bed. “When does the spinning stop?”

            “Dunno. Whenever.” He sat down on the floor, leaning back against the couch. “You gonna be okay?”

            “Presumably.”

            “I’m really sorry, man. You’ve never been drunk like this before, huh?”

            “Not exactly, no.”

            Gojyo sighed. “Guess I fucked up your birthday—again.”

            “Your intentions weren’t altogether horrible.”

            “Right… Well, no worries. I won’t tell an’body I saw ya drunk. We can just pretend this din’t happen.”

            “That would be nice, Gojyo.”

            We fell silent again. I tried to focus on sleeping. To hell with shambling my way to bed—I was going to sleep right where I was, with my clothes still on, just like he did all the time.

            When I’d nearly dozed off, Gojyo hissed, “Hey, ‘Kai. You ‘wake?”

            “Mmhm.”

            “Can I tell ya something?”

            “Mm. Sure. Why the hell not?”

            “I lied to ya earlier…’bout the best birthday I ever had.”

            “Oh?”

            “Not ‘cause it was the wrong birthday… It was still that one—with all the nasty sex.”

            “I see.”

            “I lied ‘bout the reason.”

            “Ah.”

            “The real reason…” He took another pause, and I detected familiar insecurity in his tone. “Is ‘cause…when I _fin’ly_ dragged my ass home after all that, super fucked up, feelin’ like a pieca shit, you were there. Ya came to find me. Remember?”

            “I remember I made plans to have dinner with you and you broke them. I went out looking for you so I could give you a piece of my mind.”

            Briefly, he chuckled. “Yeah. That. We jus’ met right? Ya din’t know what a fuck job I am yet.”

            “Goj,” I sighed. “You’re not—”

            “It was shitty. An’ t’night’s shitty. I always do shitty stuff. That ain’t the point. The point is, when ya saw how blasted I was ya din’t yell at me for ditchin’ you. Ya took care of me. Ya din’t even make me say sorry. Ya made me feel like I mattered. And…I dunno… Havin’ all that, for the first time ever, meant a lot to me.”

            I opened my eyes finally to look at him, and he half turned his head to look back from the corner of his eye.

            Quietly, he added, “I always wished I could do somethin’ that awesome for you…but I know I can’t.”

            “Gojyo,” I shut my eyes again, putting my arm around his neck. “Shut up. You do that for me all the time.”

 


End file.
